Friday, November 10, 2006

Lessons I've Learned, Part 11

Boobs have many uses.

I've cried on your shoulder(s) before about my dental hygienist. I love my dentist, and have been going to the same one for about 11 years. And for 11 years, I've had the same deep and abiding distaste for his dental hygienist. She's a very nice lady, but one I find so irritating I've often considered biting her and then fleeing the scene. What can I say? Sometimes incredibly nice people inspire me to bite. This is why it's much safer for me to hang out with total assholes. But seriously, is it necessary to talk to me in the same high-pitched squeal you'd use for a toddler? It it necessary to press your face right up against mine when you patronize me with goofy questions about my Christmas plans? And must you ask the same boring chit-chat questions every time I come in, and always when my mouth is open and I can't reply? All I've ever wanted from a dental hygienist is for her to be very, very quiet while she does her work, but this one doesn't shut up for one minute.

By some stroke of luck, though (hmmm...that's a weird phrase, isn't it? I know some stroke victims who would object to such careless use of the word "luck") that particular dental hygienist is now gone from my dentist's office! Did she retire? Was she fired? Did she die? Is she on the run from the law? Was she exiled to Romania? Was she kidnapped by a holdover Black Panther group? Who cares. All I know is when I went to my dentist for a cleaning yesterday, she had been replaced by a very nice, and very unirritating, lady. Yay me!

All was well and good til the sexual assault.

As she was hacking away at my gums with a tiny pick axe, I felt something soft and comfy pressing up against my shoulder. Her boob! My natural instinct would have been to shift slightly over to make room for these massive, bullying beasts, but when you're being stabbed in the gums with an ice pick, you tend to think differently. I felt I had no option but to remain snuggled against her mammaries, at least until the hacking stopped. That was probably her plan all along--to trap me at pick-point and then force her sizable boobs on me while I was frozen in fear. Luckily for me, the situation resolved itself when she moved away to fetch that little suction hose to vacuum the blood out of my gore-soaked mouth. During the Wetvac process, the menacing boobs kept their distance.

But then! Just when I thought my virtue was safe, the woman began flossing my teeth. Flossing is a process which demands close proximity, and, as you can imagine, those ample boobs wedged their way right into the middle of the procedure. This time one of them planted itself firmly against my head.

What would you do if this happened to you?

Right! You'd begin formulating a blog post. So, sprawled out in my dentist's chair, that's what I did. But when I got to the part where I imagined describing myself laying in the dentist's chair with a middle-aged boob mashed up against my skull, I snorted with laughter. You try laughing while your mouth is split open like the Grand Canyon, and a pair of hands are crammed in there, sawing a string back and forth between your teeth. No, really. Go ahead, open your mouth as wide as you can and stuff both your hands in there. Now laugh. It doesn't exactly look like laughter, does it? It looks like the onset of a heart attack, or maybe an asthma attack. And it happened three times, because each time I composed myself, I went back to formulating my blog post, and the seizure came on again. I'm not sure what the well-endowed hygienist thought was happening to me, but she ignored it and went about her business, finally removing her hands from my mouth and her boob from my head, and sending me on my way, feeling violated.

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-boob. I'm totally pro-boob! There are definitely some boobs I wouldn't mind having on my head:

However, the boob I was brow-beaten with in my dentist's office yesterday isn't exactly what I had in mind during my extensive boob-on-my-head fantasies.

All in all, despite the rape, I still vastly prefer this dental hygienist over the last one. And for all I know, maybe she is just as irritating as the last one, but the boob-beating distracted me from that. Maybe she asked all the same dumb questions and prattled on in a condescending voice as if I were a little kid, but I was too preoccupied with the inappropriate touching to take note of it.

And I guess that's the moral of the story: If you want to distract someone, press a sexual organ against their head.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy crap that was so funny I cried! Way to go Karla, enteraining as usual!

Angela Allen said...

I'm not anonymous, I'm an other!

Margaret said...

better her boob on your head than her straddling it

CommonWombat said...

As you can probably tell, since you and I are like, long lost siblings or something, I too have also had laughing fits while in the dentist's chair. Mine tend to happen when my mouth is full not of hands and metal implements, but water and flouride rinse. This pretty much turns me into a giant flopping geyser. I can't tell you how many times I have totally sprayed down the nice girl who butchers my gums every couple of months. Christ that sounded dirty.

However, the part of this post that really disturbed me is the part where totally nice people inspire you to bite. I was in your house for 3 days and never once got bitten. Does this mean I'm not nice?

Perhaps I should have laid a man-boob on your head.

karla said...

Wombat: You ARE a man-boob.

ducklet said...

oh, i agree wholeheartedly, but it's not just dental hygienists. last time i was getting my colon checked, sure enough the guy was pressing his balls against my cheek. it's not very professional, but there's nothing more important than your health, i suppose. and like you, i'm totally pro-ball, and there are definitely some sacks i wouldn't mind rubbing against my head, but not this guy.

Chief Slacker said...

You must refer me ot this dentist, I haven't gotten any in a while.

Any CLEANINGS... sheesh.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That's nothing, you crazy babbler! My dental hygienist is a gay guy, and the last time I was there, he teabagged me. And I won't even tell you what he used for a suction hose...

tfg said...

At least you got to keep your pants on, unlike my dentist.

Brookelina said...

I'm fairly certain that there are a lot of men out there who are totally turned on after reading that. And some women too. Not that I am. Cause I'm not. Seriously.

Shut up.

delmer said...

At least, as a woman, you were able to come up with a defense strategy. As a man I would have been totally helpless.

Nocturnal said...

Hmmm... I can't help but think she is aware of her cones at all times. She just might have a thing for baby blues there KB.

As for your dentist, forward her office number. I'll have to chow down on chocolate for a few months before hand to NINsure a mouth full of cavities first of course.

Carla said...

The dentist office where I go was once called the "hooters of dentistry". The dentist and her assistant and office help are all beautiful women. There are boobs a plenty. Where I find the intrusive boobs is when my hair is being washed at the hair salon. Hello!

Lux Lisbon said...

I use to get massages from a gilr who had E cups. Nuf said.

stupormom said...

*if* you floss you can feel comfortable insisting 'you don't need to floss me'. my DH never gets her barbed wire in MY mouth ..

and

before we left CT my dentist got the best DH - an asian girl who spoke almost no english. ??!! but i was certain she had given me a pedicure the week before and i'm not kidding...

CommonWombat said...

As an aside, as far as semi-lesbian breast-on-head experiences go, you can do a LOT better than Carmen Electra. I'm dissapointed in you.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I had to stop going to my old dentist because when he used to put his penis in my mouth and tell me he was falling a cavity...

S'Mat said...

ha. oddly my hygienist had the most putrid breath (that's not the word 'breast' slurred around a dentist's penis) of all time. it was like that burnt-toast smell you get right before a seizure. she'd lay that o'dor kitten-shit on me recklessly. meanwhile my dentist would only ever insult my footwear.

i have never had a ball-bag pressed against my cheek (what kind of exam comes at your colon with that trajectory ducklet?) but i do get boob-on-heads surprisingly often. not the good kind either (at first, due to boobal positioning, they feel like they are belly-on-heads). but i guess that's only what you should expect from bored cafeteria staff.

puerileuwaite said...

This post has me SO excited, I'm going to my local Adult Video store to see if "The Marathon Mammaries" is in.

"Is it safe?"

Anonymous said...

I'm SOOOO jealous. Not of you, but of her. My baby took my boobs and hid them SOMEWHERE in the house, so although I dearly wish to put my boobs on a LOT of people's heads, I have nothing with which to do this. All I could do is floss someone with one of my jutting ribs, and that's not sexy, I don't think.

yournamehere said...

That was hilarious.

I took your advice. When I put my penis on that woman's head she had no idea I was going through her purse. Hello, ten dollars!

Anonymous said...

LOL! You're too funny.

I'll pass on Carmen Electra too. Now Catherine Zeta-Jones would be a different story.

For you, it could have been worse. Your dentist could be Rosanne!

Gecko Bloggle said...

My wife used to go to a student dentist here in the Vancouver area who used to do the very same thing. Maybe there's a class during dental school about how NOT to do that, and it's been skipped by a few hygenists out there...

...either that, or there's a class on the same day right next door for full-release massage...

in2deep said...

that post was awesomely hilarious! i have hardly ever laughed outloud reading a post.
keep up the great work!:)

TexasGal said...

Damn! Good thing I wear waterproof mascara...I'm laughing so hard I've got tears coming out of my eyes! Thanks!!

Trouble said...

What's the point of being in a profession that allows for gratuitous frotteurism if you're not going to make good use of it? Hell! That's practically the ONLY reason I became a golf instructor...

It's Me, Maven... said...

WTF is up with dental hygenists who insist on carrying on a conversation with you when your mouth is agape, teeth are being picked at, and you have one of those suction hose thingies on the side of your mouth, distorting the sounds to that corresponding ear?

OY, I gotta go to the dentist tonight for my cleaning...

karla said...

Cheebles Mama: In the absence of boobs, jutting ribs are the next best thing.

Trouble: "Fotteurism??" Awesome! I love it when a commenter forces me to pull out the dictionary.

Trouble said...

I only know 'cause it was on the pamphlet of my self help group...

gina said...

your commenters are too clever for me. i am just lmao....

Anonymous said...

i once fingered a dentist.