Sunday, January 28, 2007

Dear Jackass, Volume 12

So many jackasses, so little time to blog about them all.

Dear Meaningless Phrase-Repeater:

When you constantly pepper your tedious monologues with the repeated phrase, "Know what I'm saying?" I tend to stop focusing on the point you're clumsily trying to make, and instead focus on how it seems like you're using that nonsense phase purely for filler, in the same way a third grader will add extra, bullshit words into a writing assignment to make it longer or seem like more work went into it. I suspect that your 20 minute soliloquy could be whittled down to a (still boring) minute and 45 seconds if we could pull out all the "Know what I'm saying"s. Fortunately it's not much of an issue, since I started tuning you out almost the moment you opened your mouth. I find that the greater the number of times a person is likely to ask, "Know what I'm saying?" the lower the likelihood that anyone will actually know what the hell he's saying. Or care. Know what I'm saying, Jackass?

Dear Cheapskate Homeowner:

You just had to have a big house, didn't you? "Look how big it is! And the price is great!" Good for you. Now that you're all moved in, it's suddenly occurred to you that the bigger the house is, the bigger the heating and cooling bills are. Good job, Genius. Now you spend all winter pretending it's normal to wear seven layers of clothing around the house like a hobo, while your guests sit around visibly shivering because you're too cheap to turn up the heat. Likewise, all summer long you sit stewing in your own sweat, loudly insisting it's not hot in the house in spite of the fact that every time you get up to grab another handful of ice cubes to shove down your pants, you leave a big sweat stain on the couch to mark your spot. Fabulous. Now that you've got a house big enough for entertaining, no one wants to come over lest they die of hypothermia or heatstroke. Have a nice life, Cheapskate, sitting all alone in your big house battling the elements like primitive man. Jackass.

Dear Overly-Excitable Passenger In My Car:

A small request: Do you think you could refrain from shouting, "Oh my God!" while I'm switching lanes at 70 miles per hour? Because although you're really shouting because you just remembered something funny your mom said last week, I will almost certainly always interpret the sudden, hysterical scream of an auto passenger to be a reaction to a runaway Mack truck about to sideswipe me, or a white-tail buck darting in front of me on the highway. By the time you get a chance to explain that, no, you were simply thinking of something cute you wanted to tell me, I will have already panicked and yanked the wheel to the left to avoid the imagined Mack truck or 10-point buck, which will cause us to crash into the guardrail, careen over the embankment and roll 8 times to our fiery death; then you can explain the misunderstanding to me in Hell, where we'll both have a good laugh. Jackass.

32 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

Sounds like quite a trip you had there ...

Antonio said...

I hate people who never turn on the A/C, even when they have guests. Thanks a lot jerk, now I've sweated out six pounds of sweat and smell like rotten ass.

Sarah said...

ROFL

Oh you are so funny. Thank you for the laughs.

I like the car swerving one. Mom is a terrible passenger. If I get even an inch too close to another car, she throws her hands out in front of her, extends her legs like she's trying to stop and gasps.

CHILL OUT WOMAN. I haven't killed anyone yet with my driving, what makes you think I'm gonna start today?

Spaceman Spiff said...

Karla, Karla, Karla. I don't remember if any of the other Dear Jackass installments included the thrice repeated name, but it should. Really, I mean, how many freakin times you gotta say my name. It's MY name, you only need to say it once. I'm pretty sure I'll recognize it. You know what I'm saying.

Actually, I was just going to say that I love this series. I know it sucks to be surrounded by jackasses, but I so love that you are. Way to take one for the team Karla. Only one better way to start off a Monday morning than with a good laugh. After some of the comments I've seen here, sex may be too risky a proposition so I'll stick with the laughs.

GhostHost said...

OMG I know all of those people. Come to think of it, I think they might all be the same person.

I think the car thing is worse. I think all of those old 60's defensive driving videos should be ammended: (cue the scratchy voice) "When riding as a passenger in a car, always remember to buckle your seatbelt and shut the fuck up. Distracted drivers beating the crap out of their passengers accounts for .297 percent all all traffic fatalities."

andy said...

Dude, I fucking HATE people that do that shit while I'm driving. What the HELL is wrong with you? What the SHIT am i doing that is SO frieking crazy!!!!!!

Thanks, C; I feel liberated today.

AnonymousCoworker said...

As usual, all of these problems can be solved with crotch-punching. Your refusal to resort to crotch-punchery is alarming.

CommonWombat said...

Much like the time we discussed the best way to murder prostitutes, this is one of those rare instances where you and I agree completely. Sal makes this noise whenever she thinks I am about to careen wildly off the road, and it is the exact same noise as when she's drawing in breath to laugh really loudly. As you may imagine, this has nearly gotten us killed dozens of times.

Well, nearly gotten her killed. My side of the car is equipped with 17 airbags and a titanium roll cage. Gotta look out for el numero ono, know what I mean? Eh? Know what I mean?

As an aside, ACW gets mad props for coining the term "crotch-punchery," which I will begin using in public immediately.

Flounder, BS Consultant said...

To defend cheapskate homeowners for a minute, energy prices have really gotten out hand the past few years. My budget for home heating fuel and electricty have doubled since I bought my home almost five years ago. In the same period of time, we have gone from two incomes, no kids, to one income and one kid.

But I have strict rules agaist visitors, so its all good.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tfg said...

Whenever I'm visiting friends who are to cheap to heat their place properly, I'll just set a small pet on fire to give them a subtle hint.

Aza said...

I am that jackass.

We prefer to be called “gaspers”. Whether we simply suck in a generous portion of air quickly and loudly, decompressing the cabin of your vehicle (while simultaneously flailing our hands, grabbing the “oh shit grip” or simply extending our arms straight out (as if to embrace the sweet baby Christ child). Oh, and let us not forget stomping our foot on the imaginary break peddle repeatedly) or shouting any of the following statements “Oh My God!”, “Holy Shit!” or “LOOK OUT/OVER THERE!”, “shouters” and “gaspers” are one in the same.

Why do we do it? Well, because maybe a starving kitten did manage to cram its entire body into that discarded can of chick peas in the middle of the road. Or maybe the guy driving next to us really was getting ready to reload his crack pipe for another hit or fish around in the back seat for another beer which would send his car head on into ours. Or maybe we just thought of something funny to say. Or (if you’re that special kind of asshole jackass like myself) maybe we just like to keep those driving us on their toes.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

God fucking dammit, I wrote a witty, inciteful comment for this stupid post yesterday. Now it's not here, and I don't remember what the fuck I wrote so I can't rewrite it. Fuck this shit!

Dooce Fan! said...

Your site is crude and funny, Know what I'm saying?

Dave Morris said...

Nobody understands about the in-car gasp and how it affects the driver... I've been trying to tell people about this for years. "Calm down," they tell me. "Take more of your medication."

"Get out of my car," I reply.

Stacie said...

oh that last bit happens to me too many times to count and then they have the nerve to comment on my driving skills. Like DUDE! If you didn't scare the shit out of me 95% of the time I'd drive just fine...know what I'm sayin'?
Great post..
Stacie

trinity67 said...

Oh my god you're hilarious.

And aza is priceless - gaspers! Oh shit bar! Kitten squished into a can of chick peas!

~ snort chortle guffaw ~

My word verification for today is kgrkenq. Isn't that a small town in Khazakstan? Perhaps Borat knows.

Nocturnal said...

I should have moved into that big ass house, I love morgue-like weather.

La Boom said...

Ok.. if ANY of you had ever rode with Karla, you would UNDERSTAND any and all sounds coming from the passenger.

karla said...

Dyckerson: I doubt your comment was witty or insightful. That's why God intervened on the internet's behalf and smote your comment.

Flounder: If you can't afford BOTH the heat AND the kids, get rid of one or both of those kids. Prioritize.

Boom: As I recall YOU'RE the one who almost got my ass killed by nearly plowing your car into a deer. Oh, and YOU'RE the one who totalled the Driver's Ed car in high school. So if my passengers ever make any unusual sounds in my car, it's usually just the sound of them shouting "Thank God I'm riding with Karla and not Boom!"

fatwonkkid said...

it must suck to be an elementary school teacher, grading essays. i remember as a kid, a teacher told me a paragraph was about 6 sentences. there was a class assignment to write one paragraph why you love God.

man that was a hard 6 sentences to come up with when i was 8. it was probably a really lame paragraph too!

Anonymous said...

My feelings are hurt - to be called a jackass just because I choose to wear a nice cozy sweater around the house, or cuddle up under a blanket, rather than adding another $5 a day to the already approx $18 a day to heat this "big" house more than about 72 degrees! What with the outrageous electric rates these days! that extra savings I get by keeping it just a little on the cool side more than pays for the red wine which heats me up just fine.
Looks like "flounder" agrees with me. no bs.
love your blog.... still I remain anonymous

Needtsza said...

hey there. Haven't read yet, as I'm SOOO far behind. Sorry to have not been around for all your goings-on.

I see it's been so long, I'm off your blog roll even.

Anyway, Happy new year!!! Done with my classes, so back to reading my regulars. woo!!!

so you might see some comments on old posts.

Sarah said...

Long time reader, first time commenter. I love your blog!!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ted said...

You sound like a good time. How's $300 sound?

I have a lot more money than that, but we're only talking about an entry level position.

Ian said...

Ted takes it up the ass!!!

ahahahhahahaha

Ian said...

Karla licks Teds balls!!!

Cindi said...

You named my all time biggest pet peeve...when people pepper their speech with "know what I'm saying"? I hate that!!!! As soon as I hear that a couple times I start focusing on how many times they needlessly say that too. One of my co-workers says it all the time and even when I interject "Yes, I know what you're saying" she doesn't GET IT and just keeps on and uses it about thirty more times. I saw Puff Daddy (or whatever he goes by now)on tv the other night and found out he does it too. How did that get started anyway, I wonder?

uninvitedliketheclouds said...

Your hair is so cute!

Ted said...

$600 is a nice little chunk of change. I'll increase my offer if you're freaky enough.

Are you into water sports?

Jenni said...

HAHAHAHAHAA!

I SO know what you're saying.

Try counting the number of times someone says "Ahhhh" during a sales 30 presentation. The highest I evern counted was 105.