Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I am a philosophical observer of life

Being wise and observant, I am often able to spot things that are just plain wrong in the world.

What is wrong with this trash can?

I recently had the joy of using a restroom in a Fort Worth restaurant that had this informative sign taped to the trash can:

What's more bothersome about this sign: The fact that it has turned an unsettling yellow, clearly either having been peed on one too many times, or possibly left out in the rain since 1942--or the fact that it asks you to put "personal items" in it? Should I store my purse in there? My jacket? And why are all these diapers in here? I think the more common term "feminine products" would have been more appropriate. Another extremely bothersome fact is the absence of a foot pedal to open it. I would have to put my delicate hand on this disgusting lid in order to open it and stuff it with the hundreds of feminine products I regularly have in my possession--and no way am I touching that trash can. In fact, as I remember it, I don't think I was even able to pee in this particular restroom. I walked in and became so hypnotized by this disgusting little plastic trash can that I forgot I had a bladder.

What is wrong with this shit heap?

I took this photo yesterday as I sat at a traffic light. Notice the unfortunate fellow pushing his jalopy to the gas station after it shuddered to its demise halfway through the intersection.

Nothing new or remarkable about this scene--unless you look closely. I doubt my behind-the-wheel, across-the-median photography will have enough detail for you to read the windshield, but go ahead and try:

Can you read it? It says, "$600. Runs good." Perhaps the only thing more humiliating than having to push your beater car through a busy intersection is doing so while the window falsely advertises that the car "runs good."

What is wrong with this marketing scheme?

Taco Cabana, in case you've never been there, is absolutely the worst, most tasteless so-called Mexican restaurant on the planet. The food is bland and horrible. The drinks are watered-down and gross. The restaurant totally lacks personality. Up til recently, I felt the only redeeming thing about it was the fact that going there allowed me the opportunity to sing "At the Taco, Taco Cabana" to the tune of Copacabana over and over to annoy my husband. But recently, meeting my inlaws there for a forgettable meal, I discovered there is one other upside. You can buy roofies there for $1.99. They may be small ones, but you can't argue that the price is a fair one.

What is wrong with Marion Barry's mother?

Recently I purchased a big bag of yummy frozen berries from Costco. Since I was just going to use them in milkshakes at home, I didn't really care what kind of berries they were, so I didn't bother to read the bag til I got home. Upon idle inspection while my blender whirred away, I spotted this on the front of the bag:

Some of you know-it-alls are going to call me a big dum-dum for having never heard of anything called a marionberry, but I swear this is my first time seeing that word. I've always wondered why Marion Barry's mom would be so cruel as to name her son Marion, and I assumed it was either because she never wanted kids in the first place, or because she simply had a natural, healthy hatred for men. Now I realize she was simply a great lover of berries, and felt that naming a child Rasp Barry would be too unconventional. Little did she know what an unconventional mayor he was going to turn out to be. (Or would it be fairer to say he was an unconventional crack addict? Either way.)

What is wrong with this toilet?

I demand to know who thought of this design. The little flusher thing is a big, extremely hard-to-push button on the top of the tank.

This is the last thing a germaphobe wants to see in a public bathroom (well, okay--maybe the last thing after a partially decomposed corpse, a sizable pool of vomit, or George Michael looking amorous). As I've pointed out before, I go to acrobatic lengths to make it in and out of public restrooms without having to touch one single surface with my hands. This generally means flushing the toilet with my foot...which is impossible with the poorly designed fixture pictured above. In fact, because the button must be pushed way down into the uh, button-holder thing, rather than simply tapped, you can't even flush with an elbow--even a bony elbow like mine. Nor is it possible--because I've tried--to use an inkpen or something similar to push the button, because these buttons are a bitch to push down--the pen would break before the button would depress even the tiniest amount. There is no alternative but to stick your finger on the filthy thing. And sure, you can grab a paper towel and wrap it around said finger for a flimsy layer of protection, but still, I find this to be a bad, bad design. And because there's no Department of Toilet Design for me to call and lodge a formal complaint, I'll have to express my dissatisfaction in creative ways. Therefore, every time I see one of these ridiculous button-flusher toilets in a public restroom, I will silently protest by leaving a sizable pool of vomit, a partially decomposed corpse, and George Michael in the restroom when I leave.


Anonymous said...

You should do like I do and just don't flush. I piss on the seat too.

For some reason, I thought that I liked Taco Cabana. I really miss Jason's Deli, though.

Anonymous said...

Great post!

That is pretty disgusting that there is no foot pedal on that trash can. Yuck!

What do you think are the chances that the guy who is pushing the car is either (a) taking it on a test drive or (b) just paid cash for it and was on the way to the car wash to get the paint off the window?

Any place that advertises roofies for $1.99 is okay by me.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget John Wayne's real name.

Anonymous said...

Actually, that toilet is designed for hands-free flush actuation. If you'd stay out of the men's room, you wouldn't have to worry about these things.

Anonymous said...

In sheer morbid curiosity I just Googled taco cabana roofie and got some rather frightening links. Maybe taco cabana is a good place to pick up bland tasteless women? Maybe you should recommend it to your friend the Dyke?

As for the car, sometimes when you've had something for a long time and then decide to sell it - it has the last laugh. Like when in the week after you decide to sell your house the roof collapses, and the underfloor hydronic heating system breaks (spectacularly).

tinyhands said...

What if the guy pushing the car had just BOUGHT it, thinking it runs good? Wouldn't you feel bad for laughing at him? Me neither.

Also, is a marionberry also a blackberry? (fine fine, an africanamericanberry)

gina said...

I am not sure i am going to be able to read your blog anymore. i love taco cabana. hater.


Anonymous said...

Fuck, you'd be in hell in Scandinavia. While they provide receptacles for used needles in the bathroom they have those awful push down flush thingies. I usually use the heel of my boot.

Anonymous said... poor germaphobe, you! I feel badly for people who are worried by these things. I just wash my hands and go about my way. But, even my daughter is worried a little too much about germs, so I still get to live with it. You know, they say that antibacterial soap is no more effective than regular soap, and also that handwashing with plain water is almost as effective as with soap.

Anonymous said...

I wish the Mexican places around here sold roofies.

Anonymous said...

Personal Items refers to tampons and flattened douche bottles. The yellowness is from pee vapor floating around in the air. The nerds on mythbuters proved that in a peetree dish. Maybe that car ran so good that it burned up all the gas? Marion Berry smoked a little bit of crack, big deal.

Anonymous said...

Oh, pssh. You're just trying to top this photo.

Maybe you just didn't get 'nuff of an edumacation. You can always tell a Texan, you just can't tell 'em much. =)

Anonymous said...

Let's review:

1) Don't bash the can. I found a pack of pre-moistened towelettes and a half-full pez dispenser in one of them. Score!

2) FORD spelled backwards is an acronym for: Driver Returns On Foot. Have you pushed a Ford lately?

3) Dinner with the In-Laws at Taco Cabana? WTF? Was White Castle too far to drive?

4) Dingle would have been infinitely more appropriate.

5) Then you'd REALLY hate the toilet that I designd for public facilities. Get this: in order to flush, you have to firmly clench your butt cheeks together in order to activate the corroded electrical switches located on each side of the rim, under the seat. Attempting to lift the seat and "cheat" activates a powerful blast of bowl contents toward the user.

Anonymous said...

For the car, I thought it funny, with all the available window space on the station wagon that he chose to write on the driver's side window, like he needed to remind himself that it ran good.

And, isn't that a $199.00 roofie? If so, and that's the small one, I'd hate to see what the large one costs. That better make me forget my marriage for that amount of money...

And the toilet with the germaphobe-unfriendly flush button, have you tried to use your elbow? Or, you could pull a Britney, walk in barefoot and use your very dexterous toe.

Anonymous said...

I love you.

Anonymous said...

Re: pic of toilet. WHEN were you in my bathroom and who said you were allowed to take pictures in said room? (Yup, that's what my toilet looks like--my turbo-flush. You DON'T flush while sitting on the thing or you WILL get sucked in.) Funny thing is, I have NEVER felt compelled to take pictures in bathrooms. Wonder what ol' Sigmund would say about that?

Anonymous said...

I was completely fascinated with that exact bag of berries in Costco, because I really want to know what berries are NOT nature's berries... are those three the only berries made by nature, and every other berry is a man-made atrocity?
No one, not even the lady who serves the potstickers, or the creepy crowd who breathe down her neck while she prepares them, was able to answer my question.

Anonymous said...

I heard Costco is going to start selling Rabbit raisins, frozen of course. Bulk.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You need glasses, you blindass babbler. The roofies are $199, not $1.99.

I have one of them crappers with the button on top. I like to pretend it's a game show buzzer. Every time I take a wicked piss, I scream "NO WHAMMIES!" and smack that button as hard as I can. True story.

karla said...

Flounder: Everyone here seems to love Jason's Deli. I'm not big on it, but at least they don't sell roofies.

violet & tinyhands: I didn't even think about the possibility that the guy had just bought the car. That brings a whole new level of hilarity to it.

tfg: You can tell that's not a men's room because there are no cigarette butts in the urinal. Men are gross.

Gina: Believe me, I'm in the minority when it comes to my hatred of Taco Cabana. Everyone here loves it, but I'm assuming that's because they take the roofies about 20 minutes before trying to eat the food.

Lux: Why throw away a perfectly good needle when it can be used again and shared among friends? Those Scandinavians must be rich.

Jules: I don't use antibacterial soap because I've heard the rap about how it reduces your body's germ-fighting ability over time. If necessary, I just wash with warm water and my own urine.

puerileuwaite: Beware. I once thought I found a Pez dispenser in one of those trash cans, but was later informed it was a tampon applicator.

John: Finally, a man appreciates me in spite of the fact that I take pictures in public restrooms.

Dyckerson & vitraa: I thought about that too--the roofies could be $199.00 instead of $1.99. But then I remembered that Taco Cabana's food is so cheap and shitty that you can actually purchase food for a family of 11,000, plus all the kitchen appliances and the tables and chairs, for under $40. That's when I knew they must have just forgotten to put the period in there.

Ben said...

You would have a field day in Europe where it's common to cop a squat minus eccentricities the likes of a toilet.

Anonymous said...

Being a male relative for yours from the cow town city. (Number 5 with twins at the bottom)I can realy relate to this. But me's think the guys biffy is a lot worst.

As always, enjoy reading your blog.


Anonymous said...

So funny! The irony of the guy pushing the car into the gas station is PRICELESS!

I just love the power of the digital camera paired with the world wide web. :)

Anonymous said...

all good observations. i feel for the dude who had to push his car into the gas stations. on at least one occasion i had the misfortune of "rolling" into a gas station when my jalopy - one of my fave words, actually - kicked it. fortunately i didn't have to push. (kind of wrong to write "i didn't have to push" as a comment to a post that had so much toilet humor in it.)
love your writing.

Anonymous said...

This post of yours especially cracked me up! I too use my foot to flush a toilet!
And are there really only 3 berries in nature?
That trash can was quite disgusting! What type of horrible restaurant did you go to?

Anonymous said...

You never heard of Marion County, Oregon, where Marionberries are

Anonymous said...

I have a rock-solid immune system because, instead of FLEEING the germs like you do, I INVITE them in willingly, practically DARING them to make me sick. Of course, I do so by rubbing my naked penis on everything I see.

It's made me a stronger person. And gotten me arrested in 12 states. Which has also made me a stronger person.

karla said...

Wombat: That explains a lot. Frequently when you were at my house you had a weird habit of doing what I thought was rubbing a nickel on me. I guess that was your penis. The arresting officers should be commended for their exceptionally good eyesight.

Jack Steiner said...

Toilts make great blog fodder.

Jack Steiner said...

Oops, I meant toilet. I rully kan spel.

Anonymous said...

I was in Barnes & Nobles and had to use the restroom. I find an empty stall, remove my coat and put it on the hook. I am hovering over at least a foot from the seat which caused me to lean forward. My coat fell on my head and then I hit the door and fell through.
Thanks for sharing,

Greg said...

Ha ha-- There's so much awesomeness in this post that I don't even know where to start commenting.

So I won't.

Anonymous said...

Dude, that was awesome. I wish shit like that happened to me. All of it.

Especially the George Michael part.

Beakerz said...

You are the queen of photos!!!

Funny post =)