Tuesday, January 09, 2007

How Beastiality Saved My Marriage

Have you ever thought of a really great title for a paper, an essay, a short story or a blog post, but then slowly realized the cumbersome burden of then having to find a way to create a story deserving of such a great title? Such is the case with this particular blog post.

There's no question the title is a solid 10 on a 10-scale. "How Beastiality Saved My Marriage." That's the kind of title that moves copy, my friend! But finding a way to justify the title with a worthy post is the difficult part.

Mr. Fabulous recently complained that my blog was lacking in beastiality references. Such stinging criticism is hard to take, but after several painful hours of honest introspection, I had to admit the little prick had a point. Make no mistake--there are beastiality references. I can think of at least two, here and here. But that's certainly, by anyone's standards, not nearly enough. Not by a long shot.

A peek at my Statcounter account proves it. I see queries for poop jacuzzi, picture crabs vagina and too fat to fit through, but shockingly few for subjects dealing with beastiality. People seek me out for tampon removal pictures, but it's becoming painfully obvious to me that when readers have questions about the tender intimacy that can sometimes occur between man and squirrel, they do not come to Karlababble.

At times like this, I have to hang my head and wonder if it's all been for nothing. I've slaved here at this computer, week after week since June of 2005, baring my soul in my struggle to come up with words of wisdom and beauty to inspire the masses--and the sudden, difficult realization that I've missed the mark by such a wide berth is...well, disheartening, to say the least.

The small consolation that now, after this post, I should get quite a few internet search hits for beastiality (having repeated the word just enough times to catch Google's attention), still seems like a case of 'too little too late.' Maybe I should just stop the madness and give up blogging altogether. I mean, what's the point? I don't know. Have you ever have one of those days when you just feel like nothing you do is good enough? Maybe I should see a therapist. It appears I've reached a crossroads in my life, and it may do me some good to talk to someone, or perhaps get a boatload of medication prescribed to me, or at the very least, have a sordid, degrading affair with the therapist. And if all that fails, maybe dabbling in beastiality will prove to be just the elixer I need to soothe my shattered soul.

Do any of you out there have a particularly attractive pet you could send me a photo of? A pit bull with some muscular shoulders, or a parakeet with a nice, tidy set of tail feathers? I've had my eye on Anonymous Coworker's cats for some time now. He parades provocative photos of them across the internet, showing those felines off like the eye candy they are, making me think he knows exactly what kind of amorous feelings he's inciting in some of his love-starved readers. I may have to give those furry little sluts just what they've been asking for.

30 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Please. Even pit bulls and parakeets have their standards. You'd have better luck with a bat. (They're blind, you know.)

Anonymous said...

I don't have a problem with it. But if anyone else calls you a beast, I'll rip their lungs out.

karla said...

Dyckerson: What happened to the good old days when you used to hit on me?

puerileuwaite: See, now this is the kind of comment I'm looking for.

Anonymous said...

Two words: Sea Monkeys.

Anonymous said...

My dog is kinda cute.

Anonymous said...

This IS how the "Mighty One" hits on you. It's like grade school where the little boy who trips you, spits on you and calls you poopy pants really is asking you to go steady.
While I do actually have a bulldog with muscular shoulders, he's still young and needs to be sheltered. Sorry. Maybe in a couple years. On the other hand his nickname is "slut".
Catnip (still too lazy to create identity)

Mr. Fabulous said...

First, this is a step in the right direction, and I applaud that.

Second, you have my old blog url. The new one is http://pointless-drivel.com. This slight has crushed my self-esteem. Who could love me now?

Third, Who told you about my little prick? Was it Dykerson? Dkyerson, you bastard!

karla said...

Flounder: While that dog IS ridiculously cute, I can spot a fag pretty easily. I hate to break it to you, but your dog is gay.

Mr. Fabulous: The link has been updated; sorry. And no, Dyckerson couldn't possibly be able to identify a little prick. They all look huge to him, by comparison.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Well, Sherlock used to try to dry hump Wookie, but I think the flame is gone now. Good luck with him if you try.

Wookie, on the other hand, has put on some weight. Either making her voluptuous or you a chubby chaser. Take your pick.

Arctic Skipper said...

I think TFG might have something here. Sea monkeys kind of add a little bit of exotic to what might normally be your standard, run-of-the-mill animal affair.

Think about it - anyone can get it on with a fuzzy little cat or a big, buff pit bull, but how many of you can say that you've been with a sea monkey?

TinaPoPo said...

My rottweiler-shepherd mix is a real looker, but unfortunately we castrated him at a young age.

It's like that old saying: "All the good ones are either gay, taken, or have had their balls cut off at a young age."

karla said...

Arctic Skipper: Actually, I think being with tfg might be a lot like being with a sea monkey.

tinapopo: That dog is a 10. Well, the missing balls busts him down to a 9. But still, that's a high score for someone with no balls.

Anonymous said...

Karla, I have so missed you.

J said...

Haa, that reminds me of a song our German teacher taught us about gay dogs. I think it went something like, "Mein schweine Hund, mein schweine Hund..."

J said...

Okay, here it is:

"Mein Hund ist schwul, die dumme Sau
er macht nicht kläff, er macht nur wau
an schlechten Tagen dacht' ich schon
am öffentliche Kastration
but I can't get no satisfaction"

God I love those crazy Germans.

Anonymous said...

So bestiality didn't really save your marriage...?

Spaceman Spiff said...

Are you refering a liason with Wombat (or a lesion from)? Last I checked, a wombat was a huge rodent. . . . oh, wait. . . . now I get it.

Sorry Wombat. I didn't understand until now.

trinity67 said...

I think my cats are gorgeous. But then I am a bit biased. Last night while doing laundry and other domestic goddess duties in total, I spent almost two hours taking pictures of them with my camera. I need to get out more. At least now I have a clean kat box, clean sheets and clean underwear.

Okay okay I need to get out more.

Anonymous said...

MY DOG IS NOT GAY!

And his bitch will back me up on that!

Anonymous said...

Don't know if you're a fan of dooce, but this photo of her dog seems to be suggestive, at the very least!

Anonymous said...

After years of reading my dad's Penthouse Forum magazines, I have the ability to correctly spell any form of sexual perversion. In this case, it's "bestiality" not "beastiality." The only reasons I mention it are (a) I want an excuse to tell you that I came in THIRD PLACE in the Scripps Spelling Bee in 1984, and (b) I want you to get some good, pervy google searching hits from this post.

karla said...

Well, I'd love to put the "best" back in bestiality.

Anonymous said...

I think the former altar boys of the world would agree with me that we need a little less bestiality and a little more PRIESTiality.

mindy said...

just curious... what would bring the people who googled "to fat to fit through" to karlababble? to fit through what??

Bostick said...

It took forever to teach my monkey how to suck it.

Anonymous said...

I linked you.

What is up with the damn word verification thing? Turn that shit off.

RitMeyer said...

Man Karla, I have missed you. Your helpful posts just make me know that I am not the only one. Beatiality has saved my marriage time and time again. Well, that and armed robbery.

Anonymous said...

i can't stop saying poop jacuzzi. why have we not used this phrase more in life? everything seems a total loss until now.

Anonymous said...

You should do another post and just say the word BOOBS over and over again.

Trouble said...

Don't mind me... I'm just here for the beastiality...