Thursday, January 10, 2008

Karla eats a little crow, and chases it with a swig of Pickle Juice Sport.

I imagine that, for the average person, it can be a bit uncomfortable to have to admit when you're wrong. But for someone like me, who is recognized worldwide for being right nearly every second of every day since birth, it's incredibly difficult and humbling to have to admit a mistake. An average citizen like you probably can't imagine.

And yet, here I am, sheepishly confessing my one mistake in my entire lifetime.

Recently I made some very harsh statements about a certain sports drink. I made these statements without actually trying said sports drink, so certain was I that it couldn't possibly taste good. The bottle sat in my refrigerator, untouched for months even before I wrote that blog post, and each time I opened my refrigerator to get something, I smirked at the ridiculousness of a pickle juice-flavored sports drink. It's true; I mocked that bottle several times a day.

I never really intended to ever try the drink, but instead to merely keep it around for the express purpose of snickering at it each time I saw it. Then, last week, after several weeks without a trip to the grocery store, I eventually opened my refrigerator to find there was nothing left in it except that lonely, proud little bottle. So, much in the same way Dyckerson made both of his sexual conquests by finally settling for the lone, passed out female left in the bar at closing time, I decided to try the one item left in my otherwise bare refrigerator.

So I took a sip. At first I thought, "Hmm. That's interesting. Not as bad as I thought." I re-capped it and put it back. A few minutes later, I was back for another sip. Several minutes later, I was back again. Then again. (Replace "sip" with "snort" and this could be the same story I told at my first NA meeting a few years ago.)

To make a long story short, I am now a fan of this fine product. I found that the drink's greatest strength lies not in its thirst-quenching quality or even in its pickle-y taste, but in its ability to mask an odor. To explain: For about a month now, I've been taking an herbal supplement called Sleep N' Restore, in the hopes that it will improve my ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. I suffer from a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of a past incident in which a creepy, unwelcome pervert forced himself into my home even as my family and I slept. Consequently, I sleep lightly and fearfully, and am trying this supplement out in the hopes that I can avoid having to resort to real, doctor-prescribed sleeping pills--which you and I both know I would undoubtedly abuse, eventually winding up like Courtney Love without the flesh-eating yeast infections.

Have you ever tried an herbal supplement? If so, you know that most of them smell and taste like an unchanged kitty litter box. Why is this? I think herbal supplement makers secretly laugh at us, first because we actually buy this crap that doesn't fulfill any of the claims on its packaging and advertisements, and second because we do it no matter how hard they work to make each pill smell and taste worse than the next. There have been several different supplements that I've taken in the past and had to eventually stop taking because, over time, I got to the point where I'd inadvertently start to wretch as soon as I opened my cabinet and caught sight of the bottle.

This particular product, Sleep N' Restore, has managed to pack an unprecedented amount of stink into a relatively small pill. When you first pop the foil on one of these pills, the yellowy haze of the stench envelopes you, and you become immediately disoriented, wondering how a decomposing camel could possibly have wound up strapped to your back. You want to swallow the pill as quickly as possible just to get it over with, but it takes enormous dedication to go through with something so undesirable. (Insert your own sex-with-Dyckerson joke here.) I have discovered that Pickle Juice Sport, with its own very strong smell and taste, quickly overpowers the smell and taste of this horrible, horrible little pill, replacing the objectionable rotting carcass odor with the lovely scent of pickles. Why didn't I think of this before? I've been drinking pickle juice for years, and choking down supplements that smell like diseased feet, and never thought to mix the two.

I should know better than to rush to judgement about a product. I have to remind myself that my criticisms are taken so seriously by the masses that a single negative comment from me can cripple a new product and bring a company to its knees. I can only hope it's not too late for me to now heartily endorse this fine beverage, and hopefully bring Pickle Juice Sport's parent company back from the brink of bankruptcy. So I offer my humble apology to Pickle Juice Sport, and likewise to Jason Whitten, the face of Pickle Juice Sport, who I hastily labeled a shithead. You, sir, are no shithead.

In a final irony, I tried to restock my supply of this fabulous product yesterday by stopping at the same 7-11 where I had purchased the original bottle, only to find they apparently no longer carry it. Clearly, the CEO of 7-11 is a fan of and took my negative review to heart. So I am pleading with you now, Mr. CEO, please fill your coolers once again with Pickle Juice Sport, so will I can once again, without retching, be able to swallow any yucky-smelling supplement/food/narcotic/insert-your-oral-sex-joke-here.

Thank you.


Unknown said...

So has the hubby laid down any ground rules of brushing your teeth first before kissing him after swigging such kumquat elixer? Or does he enjoy the oral aroma it takes on?

Wonderful post and was snorting my coffee reading the flashback to the "A Wombat walks amongst us" post. I'm enjoying his Xmas gift to you more and more with each passing post.

Was up past 3 am with my own bout of insomnia, better than the flu I've had the previous couple days. And besides, being sleep-deprived allows you to find such online gems such as this:

I wonder if Malibu is a junkie now with the receding hairline/ponytail combo and skin the texture of an alligator purse?

dizzy von damn! said...

that smell is courtesy of valerian root, i guarantee.

i used to take valerian supplements AND drink the tea and joke that the reason it helped you sleep is because you would do ANYTHING to escape the smell.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You made a bad nest, and now you get to sleep in it. Poor Karla. Tell me, you were anxious to discover that the juice came from dildo-shaped pickles, right, only it tasted like merkin? Poor Karla.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER!! You're craving pickles now? Wait a minute, don't tell're pregnant AGAIN???!?!

Effortlessly Average said...

"The bottle sat in my refrigerator, untouched for months..."

Well that's why it tastes so good; it had to sit for a while to age and ferment. Sort of like your cooter, or so I'm told.

"...the yellowy haze of the stench envelopes you, and you become immediately disoriented, wondering how a decomposing camel could possibly have wound up strapped to your back...."

Oh c'mon, was sex with me really that freaking bad? Really?

"Have you ever tried an herbal supplement?"

No, but I'm told you can get 5-10 for possessing said "herbal supplement" in Texas.

"...please fill your coolers once again with Pickle Juice Sport..."

Give the guy a break; I'm sure he can only wizz so many times in a day.

Lyvvie said...

You tempt me so with your picklishous confesions with something that will never, ever be sold in the UK.

So send me some.

I'll send you some top Scottish sweets and soft drinks in return.

Tiggerlane said...

Pickle Juice Sport, I've heard, will wash down any crow you are forced to eat as well.

Who knew? Two noxious substances together could provide such pleasure? At least you're woman enough to admit to a mistake!

Nocturnal said...

OK, so you were right about the B/W scanning issue but don't let it go to your head KB.


Sassy Blondie said...

I say make a call straight to Jason Whitten. You know he's got stockpiles of PJS in his basement...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Between the Pickle Juice and this Sleep N' Restore product, I can only imagine what your urine smells like.

(Was this a completely inappropriate comment for a first-time commenter? Yeah, I thought so.)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You know, I'm kind of like that jar of pickle juice. A girl thinks I'm real gross and stupid, I'm always around, but then she finds herself desperate one night and gives me a taste. Then she comes back for another, and another. Pretty soon she can't get enough pickle juice, and she wants the juice all over her.

Cherry, don't worry. Your comment wasn't inappropriate. Mine was. Glad I could bail you out, partner.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

They're out of it here in Wilsonville, too. Tough shit.

That Dyckerson IS funny, though.

kristie said...

you are hilarious. i love your blog, so i'm linking to you. i wish i could be that witty and sarcastically true. well i could, but it makes my brain hurt, so i opt for boring mindless blogging. it works for me, you know? anyway, just one question for you. how do you know what unchanged kitty litter boxes TASTE like? just wonderin...

Lyvvie said...

Must be one fucking huge crow? Not still gnawing the bones are you??

Johnny Virgil said...

where are you??

Lyvvie said...

I hope you've not, like, died or anything. I rather miss you. A bit. You know. Lots maybe.

trinity67 said...

Hello? You there?

Anonymous said...

Cute! Cute! Cute blog!

Dyckerson could take a pointer or two from you. Dyckerson's blogs...SNORE!!!

karla said...

Truer words have never been said, Ida.

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