My friend Kristina (pictured on the left) is a great catch. If you're a single guy (or hell, maybe even a girl), you would definitely try to hit on her. If you're not single, you would probably try to hook her up with one of your best friends. She's adorable, she's tiny (size 3, for Christ's sake, something which I previously thought existed only in movies and fictional novels), she's fun, and she's incredibly loyal. Why do I tell you this? Because I need your help.
There are many guys who are interested in this totally hot friend of mine, but Kristina has apparently been drugged or hypnotized by her ex-boyfriend, because she cannot seem to let go of him in spite of his noticeable lack of appealing character traits. Although they're broken up, he manages to show up on the scene only every once in a great while, and only when he gets a whiff of the fact that she may be showing some interest in a new guy. He sticks around just long enough to get her to forget about the new guy, and then poof, he's gone again like Houdini.

Clearly, she needs an intervention, but this is a tricky business because she doesn't see anything particularly distressing about this ongoing scenario. So it's up to me to get him out of the picture, but how? Below are some possible solutions I've come up with so far, for your review.

1. The most obvious answer is to kill him. I watch enough true-crime TV to know that it can be done; all I'd need is a crawlspace in my house. This would be the surest way to free Kristina up for the opportunity to find happiness with a decent guy. A great plan! One small downside: A lengthy jail sentence. I am too prissy to flourish in the far-from-plush accommodations I've heard can be found in most prisons. These places probably don't even offer TiVo, much less a decent pedicure. I love Kristina, but maybe not quite enough to sleep on a bacteria-laden cot and miss the entire season of 24 for the next several decades.

2. What if I could cause Kristina to develop amnesia? On the surface this sounds like a total win. She would forget all about what's-his-name, and her life could go on as if he never existed. Apparently it's not hard to get amnesia--I've seen cartoons in which a person merely falls down and gets a bump his head, and bam! He forgets his own name. I could just give her a good shove, and that would probably solve everything. On the other hand, though, she might also forget me, and upon meeting me again, might not like me very much. I don't want to take that chance. For reasons that mystify me, and probably you as well, she loves me now, and I don't want to risk losing that. It's probably not all that easy to make new friends when you have an incredibly disagreeable personality.

3. I could cause him to develop amnesia. He'd forget about Kristina! He'd stop showing up in town; no more late-night drunken phone calls! A big upside is that I'd thoroughly enjoy giving him an excessively hard shove. Then, just to be safe, I'd put the confused chap on a bus to Wisconsin, where hopefully he'd stay, since he wouldn't be able to remember where his hometown was. True, people in Wisconsin would be very angry with me, but screw them. I have no pity for people who go to football games--or anywhere--wearing hats shaped like wedges of cheese.

4. I could introduce Kristina to such a fabulous, irresistible guy that she would totally lose interest in her ex. This is where you come in. I think I made it pretty clear in the past that I don't have the kind of male friends I'd trust my girlfriends with. But you! You're not like me! You've probably led a sane life, filled with normal, mentally healthy friends and acquaintances who have good jobs, no criminal records, and no periodic, state-mandated drug tests. So I'm calling on you for help. Gather up those fine, upstanding young men for my review and approval, and once I deem them suitable for my dear friend Kristina, I will set them upon her like a pack of dogs, and may the best man win her love and affection. I'm sure her ex has his good points, but we're talking about one of my very best friends here--Kristina is someone I love very much, and she deserves someone who loves her at least as much as I do, someone who would treat her with the care and respect she deserves.

In the event that you don't know any single, lovable, disease-free young men, I will also be accepting better suggestions than the ones I came up with above. Know how to eliminate an undesirable guy without landing on death row or being doomed to a life on the run? That's the kind of information I can use. See, Kristina's birthday was Thursday, and although we went out and celebrated with food, booze and gifts, it would be a really great birthday gift if I could solve this little problem for her. So please help. You've spent enough time merely reading my pearls of wisdom and words of poetic beauty on this site; now it's your turn to give something back.

Come on, get busy.

Labels: Holiday hell