Sunday, February 12, 2006

Clearly, Mike pissed off the wrong person.


Poor Mike. He messed with the wrong girl.

I mean, it's a given that it had to be a female who did this to the back of his truck, right? Because when a guy pisses off another guy, he gets punched in the nuts. But when a guy pisses off a girl, he gets bleach poured over all his clothes, or an "anonymous" disparaging phone call to his wife/girlfriend/mom/boss, or, in extreme cases, a bunny rabbit simmering in a pot on his stove. Perhaps because men are (usually) more adept at delivering an effective ass-beating, women have had to get more clever and creative when seeking revenge. That's why God invented Judge Judy, who is, as far as I can tell, one of the few checks and balances in place to deter vengeful girls from doing real damage in their revenge-seeking exploits. The more cautious of the angry girls stick to that old, tired "shoe polish on the truck windows" trick, pictured above, which is something that's probably very rarely punished in the court system. Unfortunately, it's not very satisfying, as far as revenge tactics go.

Myself, I like to stick to a few of my own original revenge methods:

- Steal his porno magazines and tape color photocopies of David Hasselhoff's face over the faces of the girls inside. This one may take him months to figure out, because most men aren't aware that women have faces. But when he does eventually catch on, it'll scar him for life, possibly even making him subconsciously attracted to Hasselhoff.

- Get a job where he works, and then start up a sexual affair with his boss. Eventually use your pull with the boss to get the guy demoted to janitor.

- Put a severed human leg in his bed. The logistics of this one are tricky, but I can tell you from experience that it can definitely be done.

- Change his computer's internet home page to something awful.

- Break into his house while he's sleeping and chloroform him. Then, dress him in a blood-soaked clown suit and put him back in bed the way you found him.

- Marry him and have a baby with him. Then you have free reign to make his life miserable for decades. Brian has no idea he's a victim of this one.

But I guess shoe polish on the windows can be a good one, too, depending on how clever the libelous graffiti scrawl is. It is a little mystifying, though, that Mike was in such a godawful hurry to get where he was going that he didn't have a few minutes to clean up his truck window before jumping in and driving off. Hopefully he at least had the good sense to change out of the bloody clown suit.

32 comments:

The Bard of the Wood said...

What is this "face" you speak of that women supposedly have?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

KB, I hate to burst your bubble, but that was clearly the work of a guy. No female knows anything about pickup truck cabs or the chemical effects of dried soap residue on glass. So we're probably looking at the work of a pissed off gay lover here.

dennis said...

Changing someone's homepage to that is..... cruel and unusal punishment. Isn't there some nato or UN pow articles of war, you are breaking subecting someone to that.

TSB said...

You seriously have the most twisted mind I have ever encountered. I love it. I wish I could think more like you...LOL

kim said...

I was thinking of you and "home page" guy last night while watching "The Aristocrats".

Have you seen it? It's about who can tell the dirtiest most depraved version of this one particular joke (the mime was hysterical!).

Naturally you two came to mind.

CommonWombat said...

Sorry Karla, I'm going to correct you on one point. If a dude wanted revenge on another dude, he may do it with a punch or two, but under no circumstances would any of those punches be to the balls.

This is for two reasons:

1) It is an unspoken agreement amongst us men that you do not wish a sock in the balls on ANYONE. If a guy roofied and fucked your mom, you may set dogs upon him for an hour or so before dousing him in gasoline and setting him ablaze, but you would never sock him in the nards. That is considered a low blow and simply is not done.

2) A sock in the nards is dangerously close to feeling a dude's package, and even open minded gay-friendly straight guys like myself generaly want to avoid accidental contact with another guy's wang.

Just wanted to set you straight. Don't think I didn't notice that little shot at me in that last post there. I'm plotting my revenge as we speak. Thanks for all those tips.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The Church of the Chocolate Monkey Love does not sound so awful to me. Makes sense, really.

Neil said...

That's such an old one:

Marry him and have a baby with him.

nita said...

isn't it wrong to use white shoe polish so long after labor day?

tmz_99 said...

yes, while you're at it rename their hard disks to "dick" and "harry" and the computer name to "Tom".... Slightly nerdy revange be yours!!

Gerbera Daisy said...

I thought the picture was interesting as the pickup has a fish symbol on the tailgate. The fish symbol is usually associated with Christianity. It doesn't seem like that is very Christian-like behaviour

mrtl said...

The fish isn't lost on me either.

Christi said...

Thanks. I can really put these to use. Think you could let me know all about the severed leg?

miss kendra said...

that's not "mike" driving the truck.

that's his tour manager, out trying to score.

AnonymousCoworker said...

I also have to disagree. Whenever my friends make the mistake of giving me their cell phones, I always change the banner to read "[Name] likes little boys."

melissa.in.london said...

Ah, there's nothing like the smell of bleach, er, revenge...

I must say that the idea of a dude driving around with that on his back window could mean a few different things: he's illiterate, he's the one that wrote it, or he was in some serious kind of hurry. We're talking drank-a-cup-of-bleach-have-to-get-to-the-hospital-NOW kind of hurry.

Beeb said...

that's too much!!! lol...

Lulu said...

What I like to do is subscribe them to every email list I can find. This is includes porn, gay porn, animal porn, mortgage offers, Cialis, Viagra, Kotex, Rogaine, anything Baptist, winfreestuff.com...you get the idea. After they change their email address a time or two, they really start to learn their lesson.

Jessica said...

heh heh....

My ex-husband, in a desperate attempt to save our marriage through random acts he thought were romantic, "stole" my car one day from the parking lot of my work and used white shoe polish to draw a giant square around the driver's side (as if to "frame" me) with an arrow pointing to it that read, "Look at my beautiful wife!"

Little did he know that this just drove the nail into the coffin...

A good friend of mine stopped by that afternoon and said, "Jessica, I can't drive a stick but I will PUSH that damn thing to a car wash if you want!"

Karina said...

I so needed this laugh today! Thanks! ;-)

Chief Slacker said...

I have to agree this was the work of a guy... women usually get much more cutting and intelligent than using gay pedophile jokes! :O)

Your revenge options do defintiely have merit though!

The Jamoker said...

I see I wasn't the first to notice the jesus fish. whatever Mike did, it looks like he's prolly in a big hurry (is seen tailgating) to get to the revival and get some salvation...

melissa.in.london said...

And here's the shameless joke about Catholics:

Maybe Mike's a priest...




What?

I'm MARRIED to a Catholic, for goodness sake.

Rude Cactus said...

Maybe...maybe he's just showing his support for a really unfortunately named basketball team. Or? Its his company name?

patti_cake said...

Ha hahhhh my hub would do something dumb like that to one of his friends if they pissed him off. I just know he would.

Gerbera Daisy said...

Happy Valentine's Day Karla~

Carolyn said...

Now, see, you've got it all wrong. I think it's a public service announcement for Michael Jackson!

Dorothy said...

I swear. I didn't do it. I'd be the one punching him in the balls. ;o)

wayne said...

This actually happened. My buddies roomate was the Greek God football player type of dude with thick, curly black hair on head and chest with blue eyes and about 6'4" tall, maybe 220lbs.

You know...the type guy that makes all of the rest of us ugly, slow, short, fat, non-alpha male types wanna puke.

There are guys like this that are cool because they are kind and sort of humble to us lesser mortals so their overwhelming superiority is forgiven. This dude (call him "Grizzly" as his nickname was something close to this) was not one of those guys.

With all of the advantages in this world this SOB was still the kind of guy that would come in drunk (or sometimes sober) and bully his roomate or anyone else who happened to be in the area, even the attached women from time to time. You might guess I didn't hang with my freind very much unless he came over to my side of the dorm.

To make it all the worse, the school I went to was one of those few where the men to women ration was about 3 ladies for every 5 men (and was often known as a place where the men are men, the livestock were nervous, and a lot of the women could be mistaken for being one or the other.

The final insult was that virtually every remotely decent woman on campus threw herself at Grizzly and he was making a serious effort to accomodate them all (and at the same time, too). That was what got him into trouble.

He had one regular lady, his "fiancee" who managed for a rather amazing length of time to beleive his BS about loving and being faithful to her. She was a couple of years older and in business so she didn't go to school with us although her best freind did.

The blindness bit went on for a long time even after her freind had told her of his antics, until he decide that said freind was one of the few decent women he hadn't had in his bed and started to pursue her.

She finally convinced his fiancee to come and see what was happening and as a part of the whole "enraged discovery" part the two of them hatched a plan to deal with the Grizzly.

The freind let ol' Griz know that she would be a particular bar waiting for him after which they'd return to his room for a little hide the sausage. At the bar, the fiancee' showed up and instead of blowing her stack, she informed him that maybe it would be a good idea if all three of them spent some "quality time" together.

Now Griz wasn't the brightest bulb in the box otherwise he might have decided to decline the offer as sanity would have suggested. I don't know exactly what she put in his drink during their wild threesome (there was a very large crowd of folks who had no choice but to listen so I have no doubts that it did go as far as the three of them having at least an hour of
QT) before he passed out.

About 2 hours later, my buddy called me to tell me that I had to come to his room to share the view of TRUE JUSTICE. The line to see ol' Griz was at least a couple of minutes long (my buddy should have charged to view he could've made party money for us for the rest of the semester!!).

Griz was laying naked, snoring in the middle of the floor. The ladies had shaved his chest, his head, and everything else (including eyebrows). They had poored some sort of blue die on his ummm...sensative areas and made up his face with it. At least one of them had relieved herself on his chest, and his hands and feet were tied and strung in such a way that he was going to have to have help getting undone and off the floor. And that was where he remained for most of the rest of the day after as no one would release him.

Campus security eventually came but photos were taken that surfaced from tiem to time for the rest of the semester. Needless to say that was his last term in that dorm.

Hell, hath no fury...

doggerelblogger said...

Holy crap, Wayne. That was a long comment.

Gerbera Daisy said...

Oh My God!!! Wayne's comment has me ROTFL!!!! "Hell hath no fury...." Ole Grizzly got what he deserved!!!

tigger said...

I don't think this is Mike's truck. Didn't you notice the little Christian fish on the tailgate? This is the truck of some fundamentalist Christian person who wrote that on their own back window referring to Michael Jackson. But we all know that when someone says something derogatory about someone else, it really means that the first person is really that way, too. So, say the truck owner's name is Oral. Oral must secretly like little boys, too. But that is socially unacceptable, so instead of writing "I like little boys" he writes "Mike likes little boys."

Got it? Good.