Saturday, February 18, 2006

The survey parade stops here

Every 15 seconds I'm getting one of those damn email questionnaires that I'm supposed to copy, fill out with my own answers, and send back to the person who sent it to me, as well as everyone else I'm friends with. This was borderline entertaining the first two times, but now that we're on about the 6,788th questionnaire, and the questions haven't gotten one bit more interesting, it's starting to wear me down. The questions are usually of the most mind-numbingly boring sort, such as "Vanilla or chocolate?" and "What time do you wake up in the mornings?" Trust me, no one cares about the answers to these questions. I usually don't fill them out anymore, although I'll generally skim the answers of the person who sent it to me. Well, except in the case of "Vanilla or chocolate?" because seriously, I could care less if you prefer vanilla or chocolate, unless I happen to be in the process of baking you a cake. Which I'm not, fortunately for your intestines.

Every once in awhile, though, a questionnaire comes along with some unusual, interesting questions, and is worth reading and then filling out. I'll immediately think, "Oh crap, not another of these dumb things," but then quickly notice that this one is funny, creative, and worth a few minutes of my time. The following questionnaire isn't one of those. In fact, it's not only as boring as watching your sister-in-law's wedding video while listening to Barry Manilow and doing needlepoint, but it's five times longer than the average questionnaire, elevating it from merely irritating to soul-killingly tedious. But this one was sent to me by Common Wombat, who has some kind of psychic hold on me. He's the opposite of this quiz--he's interesting and funny and totally entertaining, and I'm compelled to follow his wishes because comic genius is like a handful of roofies to me--it'll make me do things I previously swore I wouldn't, like filling out long, tedious internet quizzes, or waking up on tour busses wearing nothing but the peeled-off label to a Jack Daniels bottle stuck to my back.

I'm posting this quiz and my answers here not because I feel it will be of interest to you, but because the process of filling it out took about 912 hours of my life--time I might otherwise have spent writing a blog post or two, and I want to get a little mileage out of that time. Really, I want my 912 hours back, but since that's not possible, I at least want to get a blog post out of it. And yeah, I want you to be as bored reading it as I was writing it. Why should your day be so perfect? Suffer along with me.

Believe it or not, I changed a few of my answers slightly from the original version I sent back to Wombat. I had to clean it up a little for public consumption. I don't want you guys thinking I'm some kind of lunatic or anything. (I could care less what Wombat thinks. I'm like a nun compared to that degenerate.) So here's the church version.

YOU
[Relationship Status] Married, but only in the loosest sense of the word. I only did it to get my green card.
[Shoe size] What a great question! Give me a second, I want to write this one down and keep it in my purse for a quick conversation-starter.
[Parents still together] Technically no--they're doing time in separate prisons, but they keep in touch through long, heartfelt letters.
[Siblings] 3 sisters, although when the state removed us from our home of origin, we were each given to separate foster families, so do they still count as my sisters?
[Pets] 1 Rottweiler named Jade, 1 Caucasian infant named Jake, 1 husband I keep around in case I need small repairs around the house.

FAVORITES
[Color] The practice of having favorite colors went out in 3rd grade.
[Number] 34C
[Animal] Live or dead? Because if it's live, the answer is dog or monkey. If it's dead, the answer is wombat.
[Book] The Bible. Well, I've actually never read it, but that might be my answer if I could find a Bible that didn't suddenly burst into flames when I try to open it.
[Flower] Who am I, Charo? Who cares?.

DO YOU
[Twirl your hair?] Um, no, because I'm an adult.
[Have tattoos?] Yes, on my inner thigh it says "I love to take long, tedious surveys that ask me retarded questions."
[Cheat on tests?] I'm cheating on this survey, as a matter of fact.
[Like roller coasters?] Yes and no. No, I don't like to ride them, but yes, I like them when other people get killed in roller coaster mishaps. I always think to myself, "Great! A few more people I don't have to wait in line behind at the grocery store."

Opinions
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Yes, I wish I could live in a country where I'd be free to express myself sexually with animals and pinatas and not be deemed "deviant."
[Like cleaning?] Yes. I love taking a tiny pocket knife and cleaning the dried blood out from under my fingernails.
[Write in cursive or print?] I use hand gestures wherever possible.
[Know how to drive?] No, I ride my burro from town to town.
[Own a cell phone?] Wait, was this survey written in 1989? Because otherwise this answer is probably always yes.
[Ever get off the internet?] You mean "get off on the internet?" I think that was a typo, right? Yes, and for $19.95 a month you can watch my hot web cam action.
[Been in a fist fight?] Is it a fist fight when a woman gets beaten with a shoe by her pimp? Then yes.
[Considered a life of crime?] - This
[Considered being a hooker?] - survey
[Been in love?] sucks!
[Made out with JUST a friend?] Does a group of friends count? Because I used to hang out with the football team a lot, and some of the parties used to get pretty wild. I'd wake up with a bite guard lodged in my--wait, is that considered making out? Then no.
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] I would never, ever do that. Not because I am so fair-minded, but because nuts are just gross and vile and uglier than a hedgehog with a cranial Siamese twin, and I try to pretend they don't exist.
[Current clothing] Did I use the bloody clown suit joke already? Damn.
[Current hair] I'm wearing a weave made of horse's tail and sculpted into the shape of a Viking helmet.
[Current thing I ought to be doing] Divorcing Donald Trump and spending my huge settlement check.
[Current CD in stereo] "Surveys are Stupid" by Everyone.
[Last movie you saw] They don't let us watch movies in here. They're afraid it will interfere with the therapeutic process.
[Last thing you ate] I need to speak to the person who wrote these survey questions. I've decided to break tradition and kick them in the balls.
[Believe there is life on other planets?] Yes. And I believe it is so far advanced that we can't comprehend it. I think their internet surveys would blow ours away.
[Hate yourself?] I love myself. It's everyone else that I hate.
[Collect anything?] Yes, communicable diseases.
[Like your handwriting?] No, because it's illegible, but I do the best I can with the limited motor skills I have left after my most recent crack-induced stroke.

LOVE..
[First crush] : Myself.
[You believe in love at first sight?] That sappy fairy tale shit is for junior high girls. But hate at first sight, that's for real.
[You believe in "the one?"] You mean Keanu Reeves? I guess, but why bring up The Matrix?
[Are you a tease?] For $35 and a six-pack, I'll be anything you want me to be, baby.
[Too shy to make the first move?] No, just too drunk.

ARE YOU A...
[Daydreamer] Yes. I'm daydreaming right now about killing my entire family with a meat tenderizer. (The mallet-like instrument, not the stuff in the jar that you sprinkle on. That would take forever.)
[Sarcastic] No. Absolutely not.
[Shy] Painfully so. I'm so shy I can barely participate in an orgy without blushing.
[Talkative] - Mmmphff.

WOULD YOU RATHER...
[Pierce your nose or lip?] I'd like to take a gold hoop and run it through my bottom lip and up through my left nostril..
[Be serious or funny?] Serious. I abhor people who try to crack a joke at every opportunity. It's like they have no soul, no depth. I think life is very important, and we should take every moment
seriously. Very, very seriously. I'm serious. Totally serious. Seriously.

ARE YOU
[Simple or complicated?] I'm a complex maze of simplicity. Put simply, I'm complicated. No wait, I'm simple. Crap. This is a complex question. Yar!

ABOUT YOU...
[What time is it] Time for me to stop taking this godforsaken, 300 question survey. But it's like I'm trapped on a ferris wheel and can't get off.
[Name] Fitty Cent.
[Nickname(s)] Inmate #55689765.

WHAT DO YOU WANT...
[Where do you want to live] Jesus H. Christ, I just noticed there are still 6 zillion fucking questions here. I need a drink.
[How many kids do you want] As many as I can snatch from playgrounds and sell at top dollar.
[What kind of job do you want] Executive Playground Kid Snatcher
[Do you want to get married] Yes, and next time there'll be a prenup. This joker's probably going to take me for everything I've got. I'll have to start all over building my Spam snowglobe collection.

UNIQUE...
[Nervous Habits] - I kill blindly.
[Are you double jointed] Yes. I can flip my bladder around 180 degrees. Also, I can push my nose into the shape of a J.
[Can you roll your tongue] FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID SURVEY WRITER!!
[Can you raise one eyebrow] DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Can you cross your eyes] - *weeping softly*
[Do you make your bed daily] - I hate my life....

CLOTHES, ETC...
[Which shoe goes on first] FUCK.
[Ever thrown one at someone] - SHIT
[How Much money do you carry in your wallet] - PISSBALL

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...
[Bought something] No, I don't believe in commerce. I make everything I own from the raw materials I find in God's wilderness. I built this computer from maple leaves and squirrel feet.
[Gotten sick] I wretched a little as I cut off the squirrel feet.
[Sang] No. I ripped out my vocal cords when I realized it's possible to communicate only through internet surveys.
[Felt stupid] I feel very smart when I think of how much better my questions would be if I wrote a survey.
[Missed someone] Once, but I re-aimed and got him the second time.
[Gotten drunk] You mean today?
[Gotten your hair cut] I've had to have my hair trimmed twice in the 6 months it's taken me to fill out this goddamn survey.
[Watched cartoons] No, we only watch religious programming in our house.
[Lied] I lied about the religious programming. But the rest of what I've said here is 100% true.

LAST PERSON THAT...
[Slept in your bed] A merchant marine on leave; I think his name was Frank, or maybe Juan. Still owes me fifty bucks, too.
[Saw you cry] The liquor store owner as he was locking up the door and telling me they were closed for the night.
[Made you cry] Um. The liquor store owner. Pay attention!!
[Saw a movie with you] Coincidentally, the liquor store owner.
[Said 'I love you' to you] Same answer applies.

HAVE YOU EVER...
[Been to California] GO FUCK YOURSELF!
[Been to Canada] YES, SEVERAL TIMES! NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF, AY?
[Wished you were the opposite sex] I've wished I were the opposite species.
[Snuck out of your house] Like I'd admit to that. Someone would probably tell Brian, and then he'd figure out I've been working the streets for money again, and that'd be the end of marriage number 7 for me.
[Regretted filling out a survey?] No. This has been a rewarding and therapeutic. I'd like another 7,045 questions, please. And try to make them more boring and meaningless, if possible. Don't forget to
ask what brand of toothpaste I use.

--------

And that's it; this is the last time I will fill out one of these dopey things. Don't send me any more of them, unless you happen to come across one that's just brilliantly witty and different. But use your best judgement when determining the relative brilliance and wittiness and differentitude of whatever survey you're considering sending me, because if you misjudge and send me one that is not brilliant or witty or different, I will go ahead and fill it out, but rather than emailing it back to you, I will print it out and staple it to your eyelid. Except Common Wombat; he can send me whatever he wants. I'm afraid of him.


37 comments:

Crazy MomCat said...

Holy SHIT that was long. That darn Wombat!

It was worth it to snatch this little gem of comparison for later use:

"uglier than a hedgehog with a cranial Siamese twin"

TOO FUNNY!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The best part was "34C." Sent me right into dreamland.

Caryn said...

I get those things, too. Last time one arrived, the question was "Person least likely to reply?" The forwarder typed my name. Gee, you think?

Natalie said...

delurking to say i love your blog and i'm pretty sure i pissed my pants a little bit reading that...maybe...

Magnetic Mary said...

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...
[Missed someone] Once, but I re-aimed and got him the second time.


Awesome

Jonathan said...

IN THE LAST DAY, HAVE YOU...

[Worked at, or been to] Kinko's?

[Attempted to get me a job at said place of business so that] I too may while away the few worthless hours I have left perusing the internet while being paid a princely sum?

[Been utterly baffled by] this posting?


If so, please disregard, and take a look at some more pointless surveys with my apology.

CommonWombat said...

Oh, whatever... Don't act like you had anything beter to do with that 973 hours of your life. Besides, these surveys are like a giant trampoline upon which a huge attention whore like yourself can jump and leap and wave her arms to her heart's content. I know how your brain works.

Quit making me out to be the source of your obvious psychosis, lady. I'm too busy driving my own life in flaming ruins off the cliff to be responsible for destroying yours.

Ben said...

3 sisters? Lordy we're all in trouble now KB. Good stuff KB.

Cheers.

Shea said...

Holy crap, Karla.....thank you for that laugh!!! My kid just came in and wanted to know what was so funny, he wanted to know, too. Had to lock the little shit back up in his cage, I'm really not too sure how he got out.
But really, I'm sitting here crying right now I'm laughing so hard.
Maybe you should come up with your own twisted survey and distribute it to us, your loyal readers......just to see if we are as crazy as you. I was going to throw Wombat into that mix, but I'd say that not only is he in a whole different ballpark, but he's his own sport.

gina said...

thank GOD you filled that out. i needed a moment of seriousness in my evening. leave it to you.

browser58 said...

Thank you for that insightful roller coaster ride through you psyche. Not sure if it was too much information or not enough.

Wenchy said...

Once fear has been established, best to just go with it! lol

Jess Riley said...

"Who am I, Charo?"

I love this whole list. Another top-shelf post, KB.

tmz_99 said...

It seems only fair that you now write your own survey and inflict it on the rest of the net community.. if you write it right it may evolve into an airborne pathogen which they will name after you.

The Bard of the Wood said...

I really think you owe the world a book. After all the world has done for you...c'mon, I know you're truly a giver.

You could call it, "Just Because You're Insane Doesn't Mean You'll Drown Your Kids in the Bathtub: The Life of a Deranged Mom."

And I mean that with all the respect in the world. Please don't come near me with your stapler.

Lena said...

Stop it! "I kill blindly"?? Who says that? You're too hilarious. But I guarantee you know that.

A BIG shout out to Caryn for introducing me to your blog.

I'm romancing your blog starting now. I'm going way back into the archives now - Wheeeeeeeeeee!

karla in canada said...

I would just like to take this opprotunity to thank CommonWombat for sending this to you Karla. It was well worth your torment of filling it out so that I could pee my pants just one more time before my bladder gets removed for good!

Khali said...

Seriously... I want to see what your version of a survey is! No, I'm serious!

Joe said...

Too True

TSB said...

I can hear the sirens...they're coming to take you away, just make sure Brian is home so Jake doesn't have to spend all his time cleaning the house by himself...:)

miss kendra said...

thank you for this.

i'l be using it against wombat when he next tries to claim he's my friend.


he never sends me this sort of thing.

oh...

so maybe he is.

justacoolcat said...

I thought court orders forbade you from alluding to your Richard Dawson love toy past.

Jessica said...

Karla, I'm taking the $19.95 I was going to spend on access to your webcam and I'm going to send it to Wombat to receive the "uncensored" version of this list.

melissa.in.london said...

Good God that was long.

My respect is to you for actually taking the time to read it, let alone fill it out.

And I have to say I choked on the Dr. Pepper I was drinking about 14 times giggling. That's when I finally figured out to stop drinking the damn Dr. Pepper.

I guess I'm a quick one, huh.

bekah said...

This was just hysterical! You did a damn good job filling it out (even if it did take 912 hours).

elcapitanhink said...

So.

Busses. I had a conversation about this word with a friend of mine
(imaginary? you be the judge).

We determined that Buses was the correct plural, while busses was indeed the latin word for "plumber's crack".

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Did you also paste this into and email and send it to 10 people so that you would have good luck?

Bonanza Jellybean said...

You know, i tried killing someone once with the powderized meat tenderizer, and you're right- it takes FOREVER. Also, when they shower, it washes off and you have to start all over again. I decided to use arsenic now- much quicker, and the shower thing doesn't matter.

Kristen said...

The point at which I lost my mind in hysterics laughing at this post:

"I wretched a little as I cut off the squirrel feet."

trisha said...

I think it's "couldn't care less."

tigger said...

Okay, that one was the longest one I have seen. Have you been taking Viagra? But I must admit, I haven't seen some of the questions before and your answers were witty as always, so that actually was NOT a boring read.

karen! said...

This is great! I want to cut and paste this and keep it somewhere!

Neil said...

Finally, I understand the "real you" through those probing questions.

momdana said...

Oh KB, what a hoot! I was reading at work and had to make up some lame excuse for all the laughing. Thanks for the great writing!

Virenda said...

That is some funny Sh*T...

I have to applaud you for your creative and funny answers...

"Opinions
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Yes, I wish I could live in a country where I'd be free to express myself sexually with animals and pinatas and not be deemed "deviant."

Wow, me too!

Nicole said...

That was the longest questionnaire I've seen yet! I hate these things, too, especially when they attach a threat of bad luck for not completing it and sending it to 144 of your closest friends in the next 15 minutes. But your answers were hysterical. Or terrifying. Not sure which.

kc said...

It sounds as if this survey was filled out by someone with Tourett's Syndrome.

I found your blog through Johnny Virgil. Reading your archives is keeping me sane.