Every 15 seconds I'm getting one of those damn email questionnaires that I'm supposed to copy, fill out with my own answers, and send back to the person who sent it to me, as well as everyone else I'm friends with. This was borderline entertaining the first two times, but now that we're on about the 6,788th questionnaire, and the questions haven't gotten one bit more interesting, it's starting to wear me down. The questions are usually of the most mind-numbingly boring sort, such as "Vanilla or chocolate?" and "What time do you wake up in the mornings?" Trust me, no one cares about the answers to these questions. I usually don't fill them out anymore, although I'll generally skim the answers of the person who sent it to me. Well, except in the case of "Vanilla or chocolate?" because seriously, I could care less if you prefer vanilla or chocolate, unless I happen to be in the process of baking you a cake. Which I'm not, fortunately for your intestines.
Every once in awhile, though, a questionnaire comes along with some unusual, interesting questions, and is worth reading and then filling out. I'll immediately think, "Oh crap, not another of these dumb things," but then quickly notice that this one is funny, creative, and worth a few minutes of my time. The following questionnaire isn't one of those. In fact, it's not only as boring as watching your sister-in-law's wedding video while listening to Barry Manilow and doing needlepoint, but it's five times longer than the average questionnaire, elevating it from merely irritating to soul-killingly tedious. But this one was sent to me by Common Wombat, who has some kind of psychic hold on me. He's the opposite of this quiz--he's interesting and funny and totally entertaining, and I'm compelled to follow his wishes because comic genius is like a handful of roofies to me--it'll make me do things I previously swore I wouldn't, like filling out long, tedious internet quizzes, or waking up on tour busses wearing nothing but the peeled-off label to a Jack Daniels bottle stuck to my back.
I'm posting this quiz and my answers here not because I feel it will be of interest to you, but because the process of filling it out took about 912 hours of my life--time I might otherwise have spent writing a blog post or two, and I want to get a little mileage out of that time. Really, I want my 912 hours back, but since that's not possible, I at least want to get a blog post out of it. And yeah, I want you to be as bored reading it as I was writing it. Why should your day be so perfect? Suffer along with me.
Believe it or not, I changed a few of my answers slightly from the original version I sent back to Wombat. I had to clean it up a little for public consumption. I don't want you guys thinking I'm some kind of lunatic or anything. (I could care less what Wombat thinks. I'm like a nun compared to that degenerate.) So here's the church version.
[Relationship Status] Married, but only in the loosest sense of the word. I only did it to get my green card.
[Shoe size] What a great question! Give me a second, I want to write this one down and keep it in my purse for a quick conversation-starter.
[Parents still together] Technically no--they're doing time in separate prisons, but they keep in touch through long, heartfelt letters.
[Siblings] 3 sisters, although when the state removed us from our home of origin, we were each given to separate foster families, so do they still count as my sisters?
[Pets] 1 Rottweiler named Jade, 1 Caucasian infant named Jake, 1 husband I keep around in case I need small repairs around the house.
[Color] The practice of having favorite colors went out in 3rd grade.
[Animal] Live or dead? Because if it's live, the answer is dog or monkey. If it's dead, the answer is wombat.
[Book] The Bible. Well, I've actually never read it, but that might be my answer if I could find a Bible that didn't suddenly burst into flames when I try to open it.
[Flower] Who am I, Charo? Who cares?.
[Twirl your hair?] Um, no, because I'm an adult.
[Have tattoos?] Yes, on my inner thigh it says "I love to take long, tedious surveys that ask me retarded questions."
[Cheat on tests?] I'm cheating on this survey, as a matter of fact.
[Like roller coasters?] Yes and no. No, I don't like to ride them, but yes, I like them when other people get killed in roller coaster mishaps. I always think to myself, "Great! A few more people I don't have to wait in line behind at the grocery store."
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Yes, I wish I could live in a country where I'd be free to express myself sexually with animals and pinatas and not be deemed "deviant."
[Like cleaning?] Yes. I love taking a tiny pocket knife and cleaning the dried blood out from under my fingernails.
[Write in cursive or print?] I use hand gestures wherever possible.
[Know how to drive?] No, I ride my burro from town to town.
[Own a cell phone?] Wait, was this survey written in 1989? Because otherwise this answer is probably always yes.
[Ever get off the internet?] You mean "get off on the internet?" I think that was a typo, right? Yes, and for $19.95 a month you can watch my hot web cam action.
[Been in a fist fight?] Is it a fist fight when a woman gets beaten with a shoe by her pimp? Then yes.
[Considered a life of crime?] - This
[Considered being a hooker?] - survey
[Been in love?] sucks!
[Made out with JUST a friend?] Does a group of friends count? Because I used to hang out with the football team a lot, and some of the parties used to get pretty wild. I'd wake up with a bite guard lodged in my--wait, is that considered making out? Then no.
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] I would never, ever do that. Not because I am so fair-minded, but because nuts are just gross and vile and uglier than a hedgehog with a cranial Siamese twin, and I try to pretend they don't exist.
[Current clothing] Did I use the bloody clown suit joke already? Damn.
[Current hair] I'm wearing a weave made of horse's tail and sculpted into the shape of a Viking helmet.
[Current thing I ought to be doing] Divorcing Donald Trump and spending my huge settlement check.
[Current CD in stereo] "Surveys are Stupid" by Everyone.
[Last movie you saw] They don't let us watch movies in here. They're afraid it will interfere with the therapeutic process.
[Last thing you ate] I need to speak to the person who wrote these survey questions. I've decided to break tradition and kick them in the balls.
[Believe there is life on other planets?] Yes. And I believe it is so far advanced that we can't comprehend it. I think their internet surveys would blow ours away.
[Hate yourself?] I love myself. It's everyone else that I hate.
[Collect anything?] Yes, communicable diseases.
[Like your handwriting?] No, because it's illegible, but I do the best I can with the limited motor skills I have left after my most recent crack-induced stroke.
[First crush] : Myself.
[You believe in love at first sight?] That sappy fairy tale shit is for junior high girls. But hate at first sight, that's for real.
[You believe in "the one?"] You mean Keanu Reeves? I guess, but why bring up The Matrix?
[Are you a tease?] For $35 and a six-pack, I'll be anything you want me to be, baby.
[Too shy to make the first move?] No, just too drunk.
ARE YOU A...
[Daydreamer] Yes. I'm daydreaming right now about killing my entire family with a meat tenderizer. (The mallet-like instrument, not the stuff in the jar that you sprinkle on. That would take forever.)
[Sarcastic] No. Absolutely not.
[Shy] Painfully so. I'm so shy I can barely participate in an orgy without blushing.
[Talkative] - Mmmphff.
WOULD YOU RATHER...
[Pierce your nose or lip?] I'd like to take a gold hoop and run it through my bottom lip and up through my left nostril..
[Be serious or funny?] Serious. I abhor people who try to crack a joke at every opportunity. It's like they have no soul, no depth. I think life is very important, and we should take every moment
seriously. Very, very seriously. I'm serious. Totally serious. Seriously.
[Simple or complicated?] I'm a complex maze of simplicity. Put simply, I'm complicated. No wait, I'm simple. Crap. This is a complex question. Yar!
[What time is it] Time for me to stop taking this godforsaken, 300 question survey. But it's like I'm trapped on a ferris wheel and can't get off.
[Name] Fitty Cent.
[Nickname(s)] Inmate #55689765.
WHAT DO YOU WANT...
[Where do you want to live] Jesus H. Christ, I just noticed there are still 6 zillion fucking questions here. I need a drink.
[How many kids do you want] As many as I can snatch from playgrounds and sell at top dollar.
[What kind of job do you want] Executive Playground Kid Snatcher
[Do you want to get married] Yes, and next time there'll be a prenup. This joker's probably going to take me for everything I've got. I'll have to start all over building my Spam snowglobe collection.
[Nervous Habits] - I kill blindly.
[Are you double jointed] Yes. I can flip my bladder around 180 degrees. Also, I can push my nose into the shape of a J.
[Can you roll your tongue] FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID SURVEY WRITER!!
[Can you raise one eyebrow] DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Can you cross your eyes] - *weeping softly*
[Do you make your bed daily] - I hate my life....
[Which shoe goes on first] FUCK.
[Ever thrown one at someone] - SHIT
[How Much money do you carry in your wallet] - PISSBALL
IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...
[Bought something] No, I don't believe in commerce. I make everything I own from the raw materials I find in God's wilderness. I built this computer from maple leaves and squirrel feet.
[Gotten sick] I wretched a little as I cut off the squirrel feet.
[Sang] No. I ripped out my vocal cords when I realized it's possible to communicate only through internet surveys.
[Felt stupid] I feel very smart when I think of how much better my questions would be if I wrote a survey.
[Missed someone] Once, but I re-aimed and got him the second time.
[Gotten drunk] You mean today?
[Gotten your hair cut] I've had to have my hair trimmed twice in the 6 months it's taken me to fill out this goddamn survey.
[Watched cartoons] No, we only watch religious programming in our house.
[Lied] I lied about the religious programming. But the rest of what I've said here is 100% true.
LAST PERSON THAT...
[Slept in your bed] A merchant marine on leave; I think his name was Frank, or maybe Juan. Still owes me fifty bucks, too.
[Saw you cry] The liquor store owner as he was locking up the door and telling me they were closed for the night.
[Made you cry] Um. The liquor store owner. Pay attention!!
[Saw a movie with you] Coincidentally, the liquor store owner.
[Said 'I love you' to you] Same answer applies.
HAVE YOU EVER...
[Been to California] GO FUCK YOURSELF!
[Been to Canada] YES, SEVERAL TIMES! NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF, AY?
[Wished you were the opposite sex] I've wished I were the opposite species.
[Snuck out of your house] Like I'd admit to that. Someone would probably tell Brian, and then he'd figure out I've been working the streets for money again, and that'd be the end of marriage number 7 for me.
[Regretted filling out a survey?] No. This has been a rewarding and therapeutic. I'd like another 7,045 questions, please. And try to make them more boring and meaningless, if possible. Don't forget to
ask what brand of toothpaste I use.
And that's it; this is the last time I will fill out one of these dopey things. Don't send me any more of them, unless you happen to come across one that's just brilliantly witty and different. But use your best judgement when determining the relative brilliance and wittiness and differentitude of whatever survey you're considering sending me, because if you misjudge and send me one that is not brilliant or witty or different, I will go ahead and fill it out, but rather than emailing it back to you, I will print it out and staple it to your eyelid. Except Common Wombat; he can send me whatever he wants. I'm afraid of him.