Thursday, February 09, 2006

I'm here to help keep your romance alive

Valentine's Day is coming up, and I bet many of you star-crossed lovers have big plans to celebrate by going out to eat at your favorite restaurant.

Don't do it.

That's right, you heard me. Dining in a restaurant on this particular holiday is frequently proposed as some kind of treat, when in fact, it should be considered a punishment. I'd rather eat Alpo straight out of the can while perched atop my husband's corpse than go out to dinner on Valentine's Day. Not that I don't love to dine out; I do. I love it more than I love pushing old ladies into busy intersections or teasing dogs with sticks. But I know better than to try it on this particular holiday.

Here's what'll happen if you ignore my sage advice and insist on going out to eat on Valentine's Day:

- In spite of the reservations you dutifully made weeks ahead of time, you'll wait in the packed lobby for an hour or more for your table, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with a mob of well-dressed, hungry, angry lovers. Carry mace, just in case some famished individual begins gnawing on your leg in desperation. Also, carry a bag of Cheetos. Not out in the open, but discreetly. If the starving mob discovers you're carrying, they'll close in on you like a pack of rats.

- While the restaurant you've chosen offers a full menu every other day of the year, on this day they'll have trimmed it down to a "special," limited menu, in which you can choose from two different full menu options, which dictate the appetizer, main course and dessert. You may have, for instance, either choice A, which is the Spring Salad, the Poached Salmon, and the New York Cheesecake, OR you may have choice B, which is the Spinach Dip, the Baked Chicken, and the Tiramisu. No, you may not mix items from Choice A and Choice B, so don't ask, lest your waiter throttle you right there in front of your beloved. If you picked the Poached Salmon, there's no way in hell you're getting your mitts on that Tiramisu, unless you kill the guy at the next table and take his. Yes, I know you come to this restaurant several times a year and are always able to choose from 20 main courses, 11 desserts and 9 appetizers, and are able to get whatever the hell you want. But because this is Valentine's Day, a romantic, special holiday, you are now forced to pick from a measly two prepackaged meal deals, and you better take what you get and be happy about it.

-These two menu choices also come with a "special" romantic price tag that's much higher than what you would pay any other night of the year. If you normally come to this restaurant and pay about $60, on Valentine's Day it will cost you $120. If you normally pay $100, on Valentine's Day it will cost you $150. Bring your accountant and the deed to your house with you, just in case your date wants a second glass of wine.

-The service will totally blow. Your server will be exhausted and distracted, because he's probably been running his ass off since the doors opened at 11 AM, and he probably hasn't had a chance to eat or pee all day long. I used to wait tables, and Valentine's Day always meant working a double shift with no break. The up side was I'd bring home a boatload of hard-won cash, but the down side was that my bladder would prolapse by 9:30 PM. I'd crawl home, pee-soaked and emotionally broken, clutching my wads of cash and cursing God.

-Your food will take forever to cook. The kitchen will be backed up because it's so busy, and the cooks will be running themselves ragged trying to keep up with the workload. In spite of their efforts, it will take no less than 45 minutes for your food to get to your table. Not 45 minutes from the time you sit down, mind you, but 45 minutes from the time you order. Remember, your waiter will be racing like a hamster on a wheel, so you won't even get a chance to place your order til you've been seated at your table for at least 15 minutes. By then, you'll be wild-eyed and jittery from all the sugar packets you've scarfed down to ward off the hunger that might otherwise cause your internal organs to eat each other.

-You think after shelling out bigbig money for that disappointingly mediocre meal you're going to get laid? Ha! Your reservations may be for 7:30, but since you won't get seated til 8:45, your meal won't arrive til 9:30 and your server will be MIA for most of your meal, you won't end up getting home til sometime mid-March. One of both of you will be too tired and aggravated from the dining fiasco to put out.

Now, don't get excited, Cheapskate. I'm not suggesting you opt out of the whole Valentine's Day thing altogether. I'm just suggesting you don't dine out at the exact same moment every other couple on the face of the planet will be dining out. You'll still be obligated to scrape up some sort of gift, to show that you're a romantic individual still deeply in love. So what's it going to be--flowers? You unimaginative turd. Candy? You'll be the first one complaining when your sweetie puts on 10 pounds. A teddy bear? That's perfect, if your loved one is in kindergarten. Look, do I have to do everything for you? Don't answer. I've compiled a short list of gift suggestions, since I know most of you either lack the imagination or are simply too stoned to think of anything romantic and unique yourselves. You can thank me later.

-An inflatable sheep
-A case box of anal lube
-A prosthetic foot
-400 lemons
-A live chicken
-A pallet of lumber
-A fake Hitler mustache

So there you go. Get on the phone now and cancel those reservations, and get ready to have the best V.D. ever. (Valentine's Day, I mean, not venereal disease. Although sometimes the two go hand in hand. Or something in something.)

34 comments:

Maja said...

I'm at work for Valentine's Day. It's good not to be near any shops at this time, I think. Our Valentine's present will be moving into our new house.

Do you write for a magazine, or what?

doggerelblogger said...

Someone had to say it - and plus? I'm just in favour of crushing romance at every opportunity. It's just the kind of girl I am.

gina said...

ewwwww or should i say eweeeeee? inflatable sheep as a sex toy? what kind of sick mofos are out there?

the hitler mustache really has a nice variety of colors to choose from. and a fair price at that!!

i used to wait tables too. your blow by blow (mind is off the sheep, right??) was right on. hamsters on wheels indeed.

patti_cake said...

Ha great VD suggestions! We NEVER go out to eat on Valentines Day in fact we are doing our Valentines Day this week-end in Charleston,SC but we'll prolly cook somehing special at home on the actual day. Thanks for the laugh this morning Karla and early Happy Valentines Day to all!

nita said...

as usual, pure genuis.

i was a tron for years, too. valentines day is even sadder than mother's day. at least on mother's day people rush the meal and aren't afraid to yell....

Caryn said...

Hilarious! My husband somehow always ends up working on Valentine's Day, since he has a pretty weird schedule, so we're probably going out the next night. Where we'll most likely see my parents and two of our friends dining out, too. Nothing says romance like sitting two tables from your parents the evening after Valentine's Day. But at least we don't have to put up with the "special" menu, about which you were so right-on.

Mrs. Ca said...

Valentines day and New Year's Eve were my two least favorite days to wait tables. Everyone was crabby, waiters and patrons alike. My husband and I stay in every year because I don't want to piss off some over-worked waiter or cook who then does something gross to my food.

Also the list of gifts? Very thoughtful, especially the hitler mustache. Good suggestions :)

Margo of Mystery and Mayhem said...

Nothing says love like a prosthetic foot! Thanks for the link.

Used Hack said...

Oh, I just love pushing old ladies into busy intersections. You bring back such wonderful memories.

Personally, I like pizza and porn with my wife for Valentine's Day, but we'll see.

AnonymousCoworker said...

You mean perching on your husband's corpse while eating Alpo isn't what you're doing for Valentines day?

Tim said...

you know, the last girl I got a hitler mustache for didn't appreciate it.

the Caitlinator said...

I'm impressed that you went to the trouble to find all those links for us. I clicked on every one, even the anal lube. They will come to fire me soon.

sarah cool said...

This was AMAZING. I forwarded it to my date for V-Day - he's been warned.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I never have any problems with restauants on Valentine's Day. I'm usually in and out of the drive-thru in five minutes.

miss kendra said...

this is all true.

i hated waiting tables on v-day.

although mother's day and eater were BY FAR the worst.

people are angry!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

A $12 Hitler mustache? Hell, I can get tiramisu delivered for that.

Amy said...

I laughed so hard, coke flew out of my nose onto my keyboard. I'll leave it up to your imagination as to whether it was the cola or coca variety...

Miladysa said...

lol

Good job we celebrated last week!

After those links I can imagine the type of searches that are going to bring people here...

Btw, had my first 'search pervert' visitor yesterday - saw the search words and thought of you! :)

Miss Noodle said...

Hey Karla!

Do you know if Ryan Franklin is still doing blogger designs? He's changed his site and I can't find a way to reach him.

Also, I think the hitler mustache and anal lube would be a smashing combination Valentine's Gift.

melissa.in.london said...

Methinks my husband might get worried if I gave him the anal lube...

Though the pallet of lumber might be funny. Then he could prance around exclaiming, "I've got wood!"

Paige said...

We are hoping for a good work out that night {at the gym} maybe it'll be empty.

Noodle said...

Hey KB...

I think Ryan has changed the layout of his site and I can't find any info on hiring him for a re-design. Sorry, I thought maybe you had an email address for him?

And, sorry to use your comments for questions....email me back at noodleburgoo@gmail.com

browser58 said...

Ha, no one understood. Of course the hitler mustache gets waxed in.
That's what makes it soooo very special.

CommonWombat said...

I'm taking Sal to Wendy's and getting her whatever she wants off the 99 cent value menu.

mrhaney said...

thanks for the good advice. i was planning on staying home though.

Jess Riley said...

As always, sheer pixelated brilliance. Now I'm off to get my pallet of lumber!

Karla said...

YES YES YES

Thank you Karla.

Valentines Day sucks. Period. Why anyone would go out to eat that day, is just asking for a lot of trouble.

Ben said...

Roger that, but fast food certainly worx.

TGIF KB.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Hmmm, that HItler mustache is a steal! Thanks Karla!

Kiki said...

I sortof hate V.D. even when I have a boyfriend. It seems like there's all this pressure to like what they do and I don't feel like the girl should get the guy anything. It's the man buying holiday in my opinion.

But I might have to consider the inflatable sheep as a gift for Cody.

justacoolcat said...

You're such a romantic.

I guess I'll return the tin foil, the enema kit, and cancel our reservations at the taxidermist.

Anonymous said...

http://factum.blogspot.com/2006/02/gotcha.html

was this your inspiration??

The Jamoker said...

after clicking on the inflatable ewe and the anal lube, I clicked over and got myself a cock ring and a school girl uniform. all of the items are for me by the way. wife will be out of town.

gonna be the best VD day ever!

thanks...

~TVS said...

You crack me up. Maybe I'll be able to use your advice next year. Happy VD!