Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'm like Match.com for felons.

I have a dilemma. I don't expect any of you yahoos to have a solution for me, but I'll tell you anyway, because if you can't tell your problem to faceless strangers on the internet, who can you tell them to?

I met and became friendly with a very nice girl over the weekend. In the course of our conversations, she asked me to keep her in mind for any of my single male friends, since she's unattached and is looking for someone. Being the helpful sort, I quickly agreed, and set to work mentally sorting through my male friends to see who might be available and a good match for her. My enthusiastic, "Let's help this girl out!" attitude quickly deflated like a balloon when it became clear that in assessing my single male comrades for love candidates, I was doing something akin to rooting through dumpsters looking for something to wear to the prom.

Don't get me wrong, I love these guys--that's why I call them my friends. But most of them have, shall we say, issues. And let's face it, part of my love and affection for them is probably rooted in my relief over the fact that I'm only friends with them, and not trying to slog through a romantic relationship with them. While I would recommend them highly if someone were asking for referrals for good friends to hang out and have fun with, I don't think I can, in good conscience, foist any of them upon this sweet, respectable female acquaintance of mine. I'd suffer from seller's guilt, as if I were trying to scam her into buying a car that I knew was a lemon.

Let's run through the list of eligible bachelors in my friend pool:

-I have one friend who spent several years and several thousand dollars on a coke habit, then several more years and several more thousand on a meth habit, then settled into the more economical life of a major pothead.

- I have one friend who woke up in emergency room one night to discover his stomach was being pumped, and his blood alcohol was .37.

- I have one friend who drove from Missouri to Florida to visit his dad, bringing along a girl for company a girl he had recently met and was interested in. But it wasn't long before they started to get on each others' nerves, eventually getting into an argument of some kind...so at a bathroom break in Georgia, he drove off and left her at a gas station. And no, he didn't go back for her.

- I have one friend who I once saw buy a rose for his girlfriend. We were in a bar, and a lady was going from table to table with a basket of roses, trying to guilt-trip men into buying them for their dates. When Todd said "Sure, I'll buy one," his girlfriend Jennifer was shocked, as were the rest of us, since none of us would have dreamed he'd try to do anything romantic or sweet. Her face lit up as he paid for it, and we all said, "Wow, how nice!" as she blushed and smiled. When Todd finished paying for the rose, he turned to Jennifer and proceeded to whack her on the head with the rose over and over until every petal had fallen off. Then he handed her the thorny stem, which she accepted with a look of crushing disappointment and total resignation.

- I have one friend who has two kids by two different girls (neither of whom he married), and he still lives with his mom despite being in his mid-30s. He's probably been gainfully employed a total of 11 months in his entire adult life.

- I have one friend who drives a car that's painted only with primer. I've tried at length to explain to him that he will never, ever get laid until he paints his car, but he's either very stubborn or completely asexual, because he steadfastly refuses to paint it, preferring, for some inconceivable reason, to drive around town in his primermobile.

- I have one friend who has spent time in two different mental institutions.

- I have one friend with the most mind-bogglingly extensive porn collection, both in video and in print, that you can imagine. Go ahead, imagine. No, it's bigger than that.

- I have one friend who used to have masturbation contests with his roommate. They'd each lay on one of the two couches in his living room and watch porn, then race to see who could finish masturbating first. Whoever finished first would get up and go to the couch where the other one was still at it, and try to distract him so he couldn't finish.

- I have one friend who claims to have slept with over 200 girls, a figure which doesn't surprise me at all. I've known him to sleep with 2 or 3 in the same night, usually without remembering even their first names.

- I have one friend who, after a night of drunken debauchery, woke up stark naked in the living room of a strange house, with a naked female stranger passed out on one side of him, and an empty bottle of cooking oil on the other side of him.

- I have one friend who cheated on wife #1 with the girl who eventually became wife #2, who he eventually cheated on with one of my gay male friends.

-I have one friend who gave one of my female friends crabs. (And no, this isn't the one I already told you about. Or the other one I told you about.) STDs are so prevalent among my male friends that the Atlanta Center for Disease Control probably has most of them on their Most Wanted list.

- I have another friend who gave one of my female friends chlamydia, which is bad in two ways: It's depressing and demoralizing enough just having a diseased hoo-ha, but it's just downright cruel when the very name of the hoo-ha disease mocks you by starting with "clam."

So you can see my quandary. If my male friends were assembled in a mail-order husband catalogue, it would look more like a collection of mugshots at the local police station. If I do set this lovely girl up with one of my, um, colorful male friends, I'll have to sit up nights wondering if she's somehow gotten stuck bailing him out of jail, or cleaning up his puke, or notifying his mother of his unexpected demise, or becoming a drug mule for him. But I do want to help her out, and I would like to see her meet a nice guy, so tell me, do any of you have any nice, single male friends you can let me borrow?

51 comments:

CommonWombat said...

I'm really trying to think of something helpful to say, but my brain is stuck about 8 paragraphs back on the "masturbation races" thing. Wow. I think that "masturbation races" has achieved that elusive perfect balance of hysterical and creepy at the same time.

As for the "single guy" problem...

All in all I think you'd be better off going with complete strangers. The biggest problem with hooking this girl up with any friend of yours is that they are friends with you, and therefore a) not terribly discerning, and b) probably retarded.

I consider myself your friend, and I know I'm both of those things.

karla said...

Wombat, you win the prize for being the first commenter on this post! Congratulations on this exciting award! Unfortunately, first prize is a kick in the balls. So pull the little guys out of whichever family member's mouth they're currently in, and come get your prize.

browser58 said...

Well, my first thought was that you should just send her this entry, but then she might think that she could reform one or more of them or she might run away from you as she as far and fast as possible.

So where is it you go to find these friends? Dog pound springs to mind, but they usually spay them before they let them out.

Joe said...

I never hook any of my friends up with girls I like.

Guys suck.

Little Light said...

I think it's time for her to accept the inevitable and just be single.

Magnetic Mary said...

You could ask her to consider other sexual options... that way we can get another nice list with your girlfriends!

But I'm being selfish here...

Talk her into celibacy.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Why don't you sic your husband on her and see if she's worth bothering with? I mean, what the hell, she may have clams already...

rach said...

you've got the makings for a damn good reality show there.

i'm thinking of a spin-off on the bachelorette with your new friend and all of your guy friends.

The Bard of the Wood said...

As soon as I see you on the street, I'm unzipping my pants. When the cops arrive and you're on your knees biting me on the ankle, I will just explain to them how this is your strange ritual before giving head, and that it's usually totally worth it.

After that, don't be surprised if you get to see the back room of the station house while performing sexual favors for a dozen cops to avoid going to jail. Just like last week.

Arctic Skipper said...

As you can probably relate with, there's a very good reason that all of my nice, single male friends are single.

However, since it's not my friend I'm hooking them up with, I'll drag them away from the Playboy channel, their snowmachines and various nudy bars and send them over!

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Jesus, I can't stop laughing over this post!

I just don't know what else to say... words fail me, for once.

Anonymous said...

good grief...just introduce her to the one that's been in a mental institution a couple of times. He sounds like the best of the lot.

CommonWombat said...

Karla, why don't you just kick my family member in the back of the head? It'll achieve the same effect, and that way I get to keep my balls where they're nice and warm.

(I didn't specify the family member, because they all polish my balls on a rotating basis. I never know who it is at any given moment until I look down. Hi, Uncle Morrie!!!")

Anonymous said...

Did you just out Brooks?


Lurky Lurkmeister

mrhaney said...

that is quite a list you have there. i think it best that you do not try to get this woman a date. she might do better just going on the internet. probably couldn't do any worse.

Lena said...

Ummmm yeah.

I'm going to have to say that #1 you must be questioned by the police alot ("Ma'am, do you know where your friend was on the evening of...?)

And #2 I am alarmed....that we have never met before because I am SURE I have dated a few of these guys.

Ben said...

Me and my friends are all musicians, so much for us. We tend to ask questions the likes of:

"When was the last time you had lesbian sex?"

Good luck on your quest KB.

Cheers.

KDA said...

I'm single and I've gotten comments like these from friends when I tentatively ask them about introducing me to any decent guy friends they may have. However, none of their stories are as colorful as this.
Yeah, guess I need to get used to living single.

patti_cake said...

I refuse to set up any of my female friends, I did it once or twice and regretted it soundly.

P.S. Word verification is calling me a bitch, how demoralizing is THAT?

Momdana said...

You are a scary woman, Karla. What does it say about you that you have attracted these friends?

You know that creepy guy on the e-harmony commercials? He looks much better in light of this post. Maybe you should refer her over there?

miss kendra said...

you stole my friends.

don't think i don't know.oegus

Rain said...

Wow! I thought my single male friends were bad!

melissa.in.london said...

The rose guy freaks me out.

And...

The "winner" DISTRACTS the other?! What the hell?

Jessica said...

Karla, dear - what you failed to answer is which one of those swell sounding fella's you married!

H.Wood said...

Wow, The Everywhere Man said this was a funny post, but I didn’t know it was going to be racing-to-the-moneyshot funny. What kind of prize did your pud-whacking friends win, some sort of “non-Breeder’s Cup”? – It’s just nice to know that there’s also a doubles format in what is normally a singles competition.

nita said...

i have no single guys friend worth shit, but 10 years ago i would have slept with all of yours, except POSSIBLY the gay one ;)

Maja said...

I have the same problem! Of all the single men and women I know, I wouldn't want to be responsible for any of them getting together, so no match-making here.

elcapitanhink said...

Look no further. I'm a diamond in the rough, and besides an unfortunate brush with the authorities on the island province of Guam (trepanning is illegal, who knew) I am a gentleman of the highest honor and esteem, I have a nice steady government job, and I plan to drive a very large red cadillac convertible very fast to every Cowboys game ever from here to the end of everness, all the time shooting at speed limit signs and stopping only to put my empty Shiner bottles on the feet of unlucky armadillos.

Call me a pansy will ya.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Right now, I am just thrilled that my male college roommates never thought of the masturbation race. They would have never left the house. In reality, they left the house A LOT, as one had slept with over 400 girls and the other over 500 (he got his nose pieced as a market at 500). One even ended up on Judge Judy for running up a girl's credit cards.

Do you want their numbers for your friend? :)

mandy said...

is there a guy who lost the races all the time? if so, i'll take his number.

Ivy the Goober said...

Hey, I'm single now. You can fix me up with one of your felon friends. I'll have all kinds of stuff to blog about ;)

the belligerent intellectual said...

I know homeless people who run with a more wholesome crowd.

karen! said...

I set someone up once, and they are still married, but I still wonder if that was the best thing. She is my niece who is only 5 years younger than me, so more like a sister, and he is a guy that I worked with at the time. I think she could have maybe done better, but he isn't so bad. She also could have done much worse. At least he is funny, good sense of humor is a must!

Chief Slacker said...

Dang, you found yourself a new cause! I was so hoping you'd join up with my CARS Virus research now that you maybe or may not have fouhd the cure to pediatric AIDS ;O) Stop by and check it out.

Rolligun said...

What would happen if you assembled all your friends for one huge bash. Providing each person with access to their vice (i.e pot, booze, porn, cooking oil, ect.)?

TinaPoPo said...

I am always in this situation. My single female friends would all be great catches, but my single male friends, while a lot of fun to hang out with, are not the kind of guy I'd want to set them up with.

TinaPoPo said...

Oh, also, I have an ex-boyfriend who used to tell me about the "circle jerks" they do in his fraternity. All the guys would sit in a circle and jerk off and it was a race to see who could cum first. We broke up shortly after he shared this tidbit.

TSB said...

Ok the masturbation races were a tad over the top.....but only you could make them hysterical....LOL

Is it any wonder that I am still single, with guys like this out there, (and yes I believe I must have met alllll of your male friends/fiends)I think I'll just crawl back in bed now, apparently it's safer in there alone.

Antonio said...

Wow, I don't know how you stumbled upon this Springer-quality bunch of fellas, but I'd be scared to hang out with any of them.

NA said...

LMAO... So sad... Now did you run down this list with her to see which she might like??

anne arkham said...

The primermobile sounds kinda hot.

HolyMama! said...

the safest one has to be the primermobile guy. well, he's the least objectionable, at least.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tfg said...

No worries, Karla. I'm here to help: Catherine - IN-F-61

Stacie said...

I really just don't even know where to start! Good luck...Stacie

brooks said...

anon,

Yeah, I guess I'll go ahead and admit it: I'm the one that sleeps with 3 girls a night.

Frankie B said...

hiweyKarla,
When did all of my friends start hanging out with you. Tell them I miss them LOL

~TVS said...

Wow, do you have friends in low places.... My father has an unmarried son, but he's got issues too.

Mr. Fabulous said...

The shocker is that these guys actually make good friends?

Hard to believe they would make good anything.

Now this begs the question...if you hang around with so many people with um...issues, you must have some issues too..

What aren't you telling us? :)

writersbloc gal said...

one of my readers directed me to your post - which is priceless by the way - in helping me along to remember that being picky isn't necessarily a bad thing. as someone who is going through a breakup, i've been told that my casting off male suitors is a bit over the top, with which i disagree, but still. doesn't make a single girl's life any easier and dating in new york is, well, let's just say Sex & the City isn't far from reality. Minus the nice shoes. I'd be broke and in debt if I amassed that kind of a collection. But to comment further, why would two straight guys have a masturbation contest? and as for setting up friends... it's a tricky business - you never want to set up your close friends with one another because shit can really hit the fan.

James said...

WTF!? What about your one friend who's single w/ no kids and for the most part--other than a tiny penis--really has no issues at all..