I have a dilemma. I don't expect any of you yahoos to have a solution for me, but I'll tell you anyway, because if you can't tell your problem to faceless strangers on the internet, who can you tell them to?
I met and became friendly with a very nice girl over the weekend. In the course of our conversations, she asked me to keep her in mind for any of my single male friends, since she's unattached and is looking for someone. Being the helpful sort, I quickly agreed, and set to work mentally sorting through my male friends to see who might be available and a good match for her. My enthusiastic, "Let's help this girl out!" attitude quickly deflated like a balloon when it became clear that in assessing my single male comrades for love candidates, I was doing something akin to rooting through dumpsters looking for something to wear to the prom.
Don't get me wrong, I love these guys--that's why I call them my friends. But most of them have, shall we say, issues. And let's face it, part of my love and affection for them is probably rooted in my relief over the fact that I'm only friends with them, and not trying to slog through a romantic relationship with them. While I would recommend them highly if someone were asking for referrals for good friends to hang out and have fun with, I don't think I can, in good conscience, foist any of them upon this sweet, respectable female acquaintance of mine. I'd suffer from seller's guilt, as if I were trying to scam her into buying a car that I knew was a lemon.
Let's run through the list of eligible bachelors in my friend pool:
-I have one friend who spent several years and several thousand dollars on a coke habit, then several more years and several more thousand on a meth habit, then settled into the more economical life of a major pothead.
- I have one friend who woke up in emergency room one night to discover his stomach was being pumped, and his blood alcohol was .37.
- I have one friend who drove from Missouri to Florida to visit his dad, bringing along a girl for company a girl he had recently met and was interested in. But it wasn't long before they started to get on each others' nerves, eventually getting into an argument of some kind...so at a bathroom break in Georgia, he drove off and left her at a gas station. And no, he didn't go back for her.
- I have one friend who I once saw buy a rose for his girlfriend. We were in a bar, and a lady was going from table to table with a basket of roses, trying to guilt-trip men into buying them for their dates. When Todd said "Sure, I'll buy one," his girlfriend Jennifer was shocked, as were the rest of us, since none of us would have dreamed he'd try to do anything romantic or sweet. Her face lit up as he paid for it, and we all said, "Wow, how nice!" as she blushed and smiled. When Todd finished paying for the rose, he turned to Jennifer and proceeded to whack her on the head with the rose over and over until every petal had fallen off. Then he handed her the thorny stem, which she accepted with a look of crushing disappointment and total resignation.
- I have one friend who has two kids by two different girls (neither of whom he married), and he still lives with his mom despite being in his mid-30s. He's probably been gainfully employed a total of 11 months in his entire adult life.
- I have one friend who drives a car that's painted only with primer. I've tried at length to explain to him that he will never, ever get laid until he paints his car, but he's either very stubborn or completely asexual, because he steadfastly refuses to paint it, preferring, for some inconceivable reason, to drive around town in his primermobile.
- I have one friend who has spent time in two different mental institutions.
- I have one friend with the most mind-bogglingly extensive porn collection, both in video and in print, that you can imagine. Go ahead, imagine. No, it's bigger than that.
- I have one friend who used to have masturbation contests with his roommate. They'd each lay on one of the two couches in his living room and watch porn, then race to see who could finish masturbating first. Whoever finished first would get up and go to the couch where the other one was still at it, and try to distract him so he couldn't finish.
- I have one friend who claims to have slept with over 200 girls, a figure which doesn't surprise me at all. I've known him to sleep with 2 or 3 in the same night, usually without remembering even their first names.
- I have one friend who, after a night of drunken debauchery, woke up stark naked in the living room of a strange house, with a naked female stranger passed out on one side of him, and an empty bottle of cooking oil on the other side of him.
- I have one friend who cheated on wife #1 with the girl who eventually became wife #2, who he eventually cheated on with one of my gay male friends.
-I have one friend who gave one of my female friends crabs. (And no, this isn't the one I already told you about. Or the other one I told you about.) STDs are so prevalent among my male friends that the Atlanta Center for Disease Control probably has most of them on their Most Wanted list.
- I have another friend who gave one of my female friends chlamydia, which is bad in two ways: It's depressing and demoralizing enough just having a diseased hoo-ha, but it's just downright cruel when the very name of the hoo-ha disease mocks you by starting with "clam."
So you can see my quandary. If my male friends were assembled in a mail-order husband catalogue, it would look more like a collection of mugshots at the local police station. If I do set this lovely girl up with one of my, um, colorful male friends, I'll have to sit up nights wondering if she's somehow gotten stuck bailing him out of jail, or cleaning up his puke, or notifying his mother of his unexpected demise, or becoming a drug mule for him. But I do want to help her out, and I would like to see her meet a nice guy, so tell me, do any of you have any nice, single male friends you can let me borrow?