Monday, February 06, 2006

Maybe there's an up side to intestinal bleeding

I've been having a little wrist pain lately in my left hand, which is my dominant (meaning my sword-wielding) hand. It's hard to pinpoint the cause, but I suspect it's one or all of the following:

- It could be that I grip the pen too hard when I write, causing undue strain.

-I may need to cut back (no pun intended) on the number of homeless drifters I pick up, take home and stab to death with a kitchen knife. The stabbing, and perhaps the subsequent skinning, may contribute to the problem. Perhaps I should buy an electric carving knife, to alleviate the pressure on my wrist.

-Maybe I should quit blogging. All this typing could be irritating to my apparently delicate hand, not to mention how irritating it must be to my readers.

-I should consider getting rid of Jake. Like any 11-month old, he needs to be picked up a lot throughout the course of a given day (you know, to be comforted, changed, bathed, fed or beaten with a wire brush), and he weighs nearly 25 lbs. I need to give him away to a sumo wrestler or body builder; someone who has a lot more upper body strength than I do. Or maybe I could keep him, if I buy one of those electronic lifts they use for hoisting wheelchair-bound people in and out of vans.

At any rate, I assumed it was carpal tunnel--which my husband used to mispronounce as "carnal tunnel," until I berated him out of it. ("Carnal tunnel" sounds like a Harlequin Romance euphemism for vagina, as in, "He plunged his throbbing manhood into my carnal tunnel.") However, my doctor told me that it's something lesser than that--something with a big smartypants name I can't recall that employs many letters of the alphabet, and which is hopefully fixable with some anti-inflammatory pills and one of those sexy beige splint things that looks like a robot glove, secured with wide velcro straps.

So I was wearing my fetching beige splint yesterday as I perused the drug information sheet that accompanied my prescription of Lodine, the aforementioned anti-inflammatory drug. Usually I only give these drug information sheets a cursory glance, as the text is usually pretty predictable. It lists the drug name, then has a paragraph explaining "How To Use," then a paragraph for "Side Effects," one for "Precautions," and finally, one for "Drug Interactions." And somewhere therein, a warning not to operate heavy machinery while using this drug, as if we're all swallowing these pills in mid-leap, as we hop back on the forklift. These sheets use a lot of words, when really all we need to know is, "Swallow these with liquid." But pharmacists have a chip on their shoulder about not being smart enough to have become doctors, so they use a lot of tedious wording to dupe us into thinking they're very, very smart.

This drug information sheet was different, however. The first paragraph, rather than being the usual bland "How To Use" part, was instead "Warning." It was a very ominous paragraph which was peppered with such eye-catching phrases as, "bleeding from the stomach or intestines," "black stools," "vomit that looks like coffee grounds," and a suggestion to "talk to your doctor about other possible medication choices," which seems to translate as "do everything you can to avoid taking this incredibly dangerous poison." I know all medications have ridiculously gruesome possible side effects, but as I mentioned above, these are usually buried far further down the drug information sheet, in the paragraphs headed "Side Effects" and "Precautions." I've never seen this new "Warning" paragraph inserted at the very top of the sheet.

The rest of the sheet is rife with intestinal bleeding references. The normally uneventful "How to Use" paragraph even mentions it, warning me not to increase my dosage without consulting my doctor, as this "might increase risk of stomach bleeding." No shit, Sherlock. So you're saying that if two pills a day might cause my insides to liquefy and bleed out of me, ten pills a day might accelerate the process? Duly noted.

The "Side Effects" paragraph, as you would expect, mentions it again, but also cheerfully notes that this drug may cause, "serious (possibly fatal) liver disease." Which actually might come as a relief, since death would at least end the copious intestinal bleeding that I'm starting to think is imminent.

Even if the gut bleeding doesn't kill me, I suspect it'll at least be a real bummer. It's probably downright depressing to bleed from the stomach, not to mention the havoc it will wreak on my clothes and furniture. But my mom taught me to always look on the bright side of things, so I wonder if there might be an up side to the intestinal bleeding. Might I not lose some weight in the process? That'd be nice. I've recently gotten to the point where I can fit into all my pre-pregnancy clothes, but a girl is never opposed to dropping a couple more pounds. I tried on a pair of jeans at Hollister the other day that didn't quite look right on me, but I bet If I lost 4 pints of blood, they'd be a perfect fit.

Plus, I'd probably get out of the "mandatory" employee meetings I am loathe to attend on a monthly basis. I would think it would be a distraction to the other employees to see me collapsing in a pool of blood 10 minutes into the meeting. Demoralizing to the staff, even. Or, considering my boss is a stickler about these meetings, she might make me attend, but might at least let me leave early if the bleeding gets bad. I bet you'd like to pull the old "bleeding from the stomach" ruse to get out of a few meetings yourself.

And I am sure people would offer to carry things for me. I bet I'd never have to carry a heavy box again, for the duration of my short, bloody life.

And let's face it, I look good in red.

So bring on the intestinal bleeding; I'm ready for it. Sure, I could quit blogging, thereby sparing my hand some stress, and probably never have to take these organ-killing pills. But that would mean abandoning my faithful readers, who are a dangerously unstable group, likely to fly off the handle and kill again if their routine is interrupted in the smallest way. So for them--for you, my dear readers, I will swallow these pills, sacrificing my liver, my stomach, my very life, just to keep you entertained.

I love you--and fear you--that much.

32 comments:

Mrs. Ca said...

My husband is on some anti-inflamatories right now and my favorite instruction on the drug facts sheet is that he can't lie down for thirty minutes after he takes the pill because it could increase the chance of stomach and/or esophageal (sp?) bleeding. So pleasant. He takes ibuprofen instead.

miss kendra said...

just take your pills and be quiet.

i've been on them for a month and you don't hear me complaining.

sure, that could be because i chewed my own tongue off....

don't nitpick.

patti_cake said...

Argh SCARY! I never read those sheets do ya think I should start?

Hope said...

Haven't you already sacrificed your liver with all the booze you drink at baby showers?

mrtl said...

Thanks for taking one for the team, Karla!

justacoolcat said...

You can read? I was under the impression each blog entry was dictated to whatever transient you had recently "liberated" from the streets, pre-Stabbing ofcourse.

Good thing most of the drugs you take don't have fancy instructions.

Could you imagine the awkwardness of sounding out labels while you robbed a liquor store?

Jessica said...

Thank God...as I was reading - and fearful that you might quit blogging - I started seeing red...so much red I couldn't hardly keep reading. Then, that nervous tic I have started getting more pronounced (meaning, more violent) but I got to the last paragraph just before I was about to throw my cat through the window. Now, I just have to pull the ice pick out of the dog....

Crazy MomCat said...

Now that's real love.

Now hold us and tell us you're sorry for scaring us and making us think you were abandoning us! We are starting to hear the voices again. The voices are bad...help us...Karlaone, you are our only hope.

Rusty said...

Um...thanks?

How do you adequately thank someone for entertaining you, when they're possibly taking on the risk of their internal organs liquefying and bleeding out of them? Totally foul, but hey...thanks.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Whew, intestinal bleeding??! You must be getting a lot of butt sex!

Amerloc said...

Thank you for thinking of my sanity.

La Boom said...

I will love you... blood and all my friend.

Tish said...

This is where you start doing sexy voice blogs, or hire a young hairless Venezualan to do your typing, Karla! Do I have to think of everything????

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I ain't carryin' nothin' for you, Ms. Babble. Not even your coffin. Which, if I don't miss my guess, somebody'll be carryin' any day now.

Because I am allergic to blood.

CommonWombat said...

You win the award for "Most amount of bitching over a simple case of hand-job wrist."

Caryn said...

That's why I try to avoid reading those drug information sheets. According to my husband, an R.N., Lodine is one of the heavy-hitters of the anti-inflammatory world, so it should at least help your wrist. Even if the rest of you fails.

doggerelblogger said...

My friend once took anti-inflammatory pills, only he didn't stop drinking like he was supposed to? And his forearms swelled (swole?) up - he looked like Popeye.

Paige said...

All I can think of is... thank God its not carpel tunnel. Lordy to have to have "minor" surgery to fix it. WHweeee that was close

kim said...

I needed a nice gesture today, thanks Karla.

I blogged about carpal tunnel and crazy warnings today too!

Do you think this means we are all going to die?

AnonymousCoworker said...

"Carnal tunnel" is good, but I prefer, "He plunged his petrified pound of man-meat into her ecstacy chamber." That's good stuff.

Dave Morris said...

I thought carpal meant "of or like a carp."

Carp is a good eatin' fish. And prior to eating, they can be a good friend to a lonely man.

So I've heard.

melissa.in.london said...

I just love how these supposedly helpful medications can cure one thing, but cause a million others.

No, you won't have a migraine anymore...

But you will have ingrown toenails-stomach ulcer-brain tumor-spotty vision-double vision-pain in your left ring finger-creaking joints-club foot-easy bruising-sore asshole-ringing in your ears-painful joints-painful urination-stomach bleeding-overproduction of estrogen-intestinal leakage.

But your head won't hurt!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Almost as fitting as the warning on Xenical (which is soon to be available OTC): "May cause anal leakage."

Nothing leaky about it! Does a volcano leak?

Stacie said...

Well, if somethings gotta go, it's gonna have to be Jake. Lets face it, the kid is dragging you down. He cries at night, he does that magic poop thing with his diaper, and he's getting to big to fit in the pots and pans. I'm guessing that he doesn't do a whole lot of housework..it's time to cut him loose. Send him to Wombat till he's of college age. At least that way we still get to read your blog. Stacie

Anonymous said...

Never had intestinal bleeding. Had an ulcer once. Best diet I ever went on. Didn't have an appetite and lost about 15 lbs. Once the yellow pallor from my skin disappeared, I looked great! Give the meds a chance. Your mom's right. There is an upside to everything. Plus, you look good in red!

Anonymous said...

That Anonymous was me by the way. I'm a retard at leaving comments.

All the best,
MetroDad

mrhaney said...

i like my readers also but i am not sure i want to bleed for them. that's a bit much don't you think?

Bridgermama said...

Intestinal bleeding is the new little black dress, thanks for starting the trend! I have been toting my little butterball around a lot lately causing me to have nagging pains between my thumbs and forefingers...helllooo bloody insides.

elcapitanhink said...

Gee, my vomit always looks like coffee grounds -- but that's just because I eat a jar of Sanka ever day.

"Intestinal Bleeding" -- though amusing in its own macabre way -- still can't hold a candle to Olestra's™ "May cause Anal Leakage".

Dorothy said...

All I can say is...DO NOT STOP BLOGGING...lol...hope you're feeling better. ;o)

Masked Mom said...

I was once given a medication inteneded to treat nausea that came with migraines--the first possible side effect listed was "upset stomach." So, great, give me a nausea medication that nauseates me.

Of course, intestinal bleeding (potential or actual) seriously beats out nausea. Your generosity knows no bounds.

Anonymous said...

My son is on ibuprofen and the fact sheet says not to lie down for thirty minutes as well. So I have to wake him up at 2 in the morning and force him to stay awake for an aditional half and hour. I'm not really sure why? I thought ibuprofen was "safer" with regard to internal bleeding and such.