Tuesday, January 02, 2007

My 2006 New Year's resolutions: The review.

I made some resolutions last year, as you may recall. Of course, some of you weren't readers of this blog back then, and those who were are mostly drunks and lunatics, so the chances that you remember who you were sleeping with this time last year, much less my little New Year's blog post, are slim to none. No problem. I'll refresh your memory.

Here are my 2006 resolutions, with an update letting you know how I fared in keeping them:

1. I will not scale Mt. Fuji. This one was a unmitigated success. I scaled many things--2 prison walls, the homes of four hypersensitive people who unfairly refer to me as a "stalker," 3 closed liquor stores, and approximately 4,332 goldfish--but not one mountain.

2. I will eat only edible food, and drink only potable water. Do goldfish count as food? I think they do, and if so, this one was a success as well.

3. I will wear a bra when out in public. Usually my own. This one is iffy. I did indeed wear a bra consistently, and they were technically mine, if possession is nine-tenths of the law. But since I stole most of them from the locker room at my health club, many of them were sweaty and ill-fitting. Still, that counts.

4. I will speak English primarily. I aced this one, although my words of wisdom were, as usual, largely lost on fools and asshats, not to mention a few angry, braless women screaming after me as I raced out of the locker room at my gym.

5. I will do all I can do prevent flies from breeding in my car. I was doing really great on this one til the body of a hitchhiker that I left in the back seat started to decompose. Lesson learned: Next time I won't dawdle so long before chopping them up and mailing the parts to my negative blog commenters. Speaking of which, some of you guys should be getting a package from me in about a week.

6. I will use the phrase "gutless swine" in a sentence at least once in 2006. A rousing success here. I made it my new pet name for my husband, and that covered me rather nicely on this one.

7. I will not kill anyone with a machete. I'm a little embarrassed to admit defeat on this one. But I defy any one of you to stand in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for 30 minutes without gutting someone like a pig. And as for that incident at the kid's play area at the mall, I stand by my actions. That 3-year old snotnose deliberately pushed my son.

8. I will drink more in 2006. While everyone else is promising to drink less, I will take the path less traveled, and I will drink more. One of my finest achievements to date. At first I thought this one might be a bit of a challenge due to my already impressive alcohol intake in 2005. However, I discovered that with determination, any goal can be reached. I found that drinking in the shower and while driving Jake to his Mother's Day Out class gave me the edge I needed to increase my intake 20% over my 2005 numbers.

9. I will not sleep with any dictators this year. I think I met this goal, but I can't be entirely sure since I was less than diligent about noting the names and/or occupations of some people. But none of them had goatees, smoked Cuban cigars or wore turbans, I think I can safely assume there were no dictators in the bunch, although a few were needlessly violent.

10. I will read great works of literature to sharpen my intellect and help develop my analytical thinking. This was a misguided goal. I did indeed keep up with the reading of that particular blog for a time, but I found that it actually decreased my intelligence at a rather alarming rate. Luckily, I was able to get back up to my previous IQ, and then double that, by going back through my own archives are reading over my previous posts.

11. I will wipe front to back. This was an easy one to keep. I faithfully followed the front-to-back method all through 2006, although it did get a bit boring by June or so. In 2007 I intend to spice things up by wiping in the shape of a different letter of the alphabet each day. Also this year, I'm going to use toilet paper, or at least something more than just my bare hand. 2006 was a messy year.

12. I will steadfastly refuse to participate in any plots to overthrow the government. And this year I mean it. Not only was I successful on this count, but I'm so proud of the restraint I showed here that I'm including this last item on all future resumes under the heading, "Past Accomplishments."

So there you have it. Twelve resolutions: 7 successes, 3 failures, and 2 undecided. All in all, I think my 2006 resolutions did what every New Year's Resolution is intended to: Serve to make me a better person. I toyed with the idea of making resolutions for 2007, but frankly, I don't see how I can improve over the current level of perfection. However, I'm willing to consider your ideas for resolutions I should make. Please keep them short, concise, and devoid of profanity or accompanying photos of sexual positions. Bear in mind I still have a few of those "packages" I can send out to deserving commenters.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

You crazy babbler, what the hell do you need with a bra? That would be like me wearing a jock strap.

BTW, thanks for packing the spleen in bubble wrap. I love popping those things!

Ben said...

I thought you only supposed to make one NYR, your going to town KB.

HNY to you guys.


acw said...

I think you should try not to be convicted by the same judge more than once in 2007.

Karl said...

Wow, I think putting that non-killing with a machete resolution in there was a bit of self-sabotage, don't you? How could anyone expect to fulfill that one?

Anonymous said...

awwww man. so boring.

No sleeping with dictators? guuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrl you're missin' out. They got some moves. hahahah

okay I'm totally skeeving myself out now. hahahahahahahaha


Anonymous said...

I just don't see the point(s) of Resolution #3. And of course #9 was easy to pull off, what with Saddam already in captivity in '06 (and with Kim Jong Il more preoccupied with "missiles").

On the other hand, #11 is extremely disappointing, as this means I likely will no longer be able to make money on eBay selling your unmentionables as Rorschach Tests for perverts or mini Shrouds of Turin for unsuspecting religious fanatics.

How about instead vowing to learn "Texas Hold "Em" in the correct, socially-acceptable way?

Anonymous said...

Maybe 2007 can be the year that you get an entire team of NBA starters to tattoo your name on their chests, instead of just the reserve players.

Nature Girl said...

You crack me up! Ilove your blog..great list.
Happy New Year KB!

karla said...

Edge: You've been reading my husband's wish list, haven't you?

Jules: I can help you quit laughing. Go read Dyckerson's blog.

puerileuwaite: What? You mean it's not "Texas Squeeze 'Em Til Til The Fucker Cries Like a Girl"?

Anonymous said...

That's not too bad Karla. Way to resist the urge to scale Mt Fuji.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you missed out on Saddam. Despite his back hair and over all grumpy demeaner, he was quite the score.

Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

what about the issues with child protective services??? surely you can make amends there.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jules - If you really want to stop laughing, check out all the fungicide remedies in Ms. Babble's medicine cabinet. You'll wish you were Saddam.

Anonymous said...

Wiping in the shape of a different alphabet letter each day? Why didn't I ever think of that???

Anonymous said...

Saddam... Spider hole... heh heh heh -- oh NO, now I've got whatever "praying mantis" has.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your successes (and lack thereof) with your resolutions.

Anonymous said...

Fry bacon naked.