This post is not for everyone, it's only for those of you very unique, special ladies who pee on public toilet seats. If you're not one of those individuals, please come back another day for some non-pee-related fun.
Hello, Reckless Urinator. I have been wanting to talk to you for years. I must confess, I am fascinated by you. Don't take that to mean I like you--I don't. Actually, I hate you ferociously. I fantasize about the countless awful things I'd like to do to you, most of them involving humiliation with urine. But I am honestly fascinated by you. What makes you tick? What is it that makes you walk into a public restroom, pee all over the place like a cow, and then walk away? If you haven't seen a cow pee, I'll explain. They just stand there and spray wildly, with an impressive splatter-range, then simply wander off, unmindful of the terrain they've just soaked. That's you. But why?
One would think it's because you're mentally challenged in some way, and just don't know any better--but it happens so often that the number of peed-upon toilets statistically outweighs the number of mentally challenged folks in the world, so that can't be it. One might think that perhaps you do it because you were raised by wolves or homeless lunatics, and haven't been taught any better. But again, this theory is weakened by statistics--there are more yellow toilet seats than wolf-raised women in the world. Perhaps you simply can't control yourself? But I know you can, because I can't imagine you do this to the toilet in your own home. I have been in many bathrooms in many peoples' homes, and have yet to see a urine-soaked seat. Yet for some fascinating, unfathomable reason, you choose not to control yourself in the bathroom of Target or Olive Garden or Texaco. I have to know why.
Is it because you're like a kid at an amusement park, just running wild and shouting "Wheeee!" and getting a kick out of causing mayhem? In other words, are you a festive urinator?
Or is it because you're so bitter about being the only one who cleans the toilet at home, that you get off on violating a toilet that you know someone else will have to clean? In other words, are you a vengeful urinator?
Or are you marking territory, compelled by some primitive need to "claim" this toilet as your own? In other words, are you a possessive urinator?
There has to be some psychological mechanism at work here. My guess is that you secretly hate women. You know that the next person to come along will be a woman, who will have to either clean your disgusting pee in order to use the bathroom, or will accidentally sit in it--secretly, these two scenarios must thrill you. Either that, or you are just an incredibly ignorant, disgusting, filthy cow of a woman who deserves the worst life has to offer you...and I'd prefer not to think that's the case. But I have to know. The most troubling aspect of this, to me, is that I must know some of these women, must have talked with them or shopped with them or had dinner with them, never realizing that I was dealing with a pee-happy psycho. I'd like to think that's not the case, that the kind of people who pee on public fixtures are not the kind of people I'd socialize with in any way--but the appalling truth is that you Reckless Urinators are like serial killers--lurking among us, shopping at our grocery stores and strolling through our parks, and we think you're one of us.
So please, I encourage you, Reckless Urinator, please tell me why you do it. Maybe you can explain it so eloquently that I will come around to your point of view, and become a Reckless Urinator myself. But the explanation better be good, my bovine friend. The last thing I would want to do is identify myself with someone like you in any way. In fact, if I ever (and this is my dream) walk into a one-person bathroom and see pee all over the seat just moments after seeing a woman exiting that same bathroom, I vow to chase her down, tackle her to the ground, and pee on her. And then I will stand over her crumpled, yellowed form and scream down at her, "I don't even mind if you pee on the damn seat--just turn around and WIPE IT UP WHEN YOU'RE DONE!" Oh yes. Everyone has a dream, and this is mine. I will be lurking outside public restrooms at a restaurant or department store near you, just waiting.