Saturday, July 02, 2005

Dear Reckless Urinator:

This post is not for everyone, it's only for those of you very unique, special ladies who pee on public toilet seats. If you're not one of those individuals, please come back another day for some non-pee-related fun.

Hello, Reckless Urinator. I have been wanting to talk to you for years. I must confess, I am fascinated by you. Don't take that to mean I like you--I don't. Actually, I hate you ferociously. I fantasize about the countless awful things I'd like to do to you, most of them involving humiliation with urine. But I am honestly fascinated by you. What makes you tick? What is it that makes you walk into a public restroom, pee all over the place like a cow, and then walk away? If you haven't seen a cow pee, I'll explain. They just stand there and spray wildly, with an impressive splatter-range, then simply wander off, unmindful of the terrain they've just soaked. That's you. But why?

One would think it's because you're mentally challenged in some way, and just don't know any better--but it happens so often that the number of peed-upon toilets statistically outweighs the number of mentally challenged folks in the world, so that can't be it. One might think that perhaps you do it because you were raised by wolves or homeless lunatics, and haven't been taught any better. But again, this theory is weakened by statistics--there are more yellow toilet seats than wolf-raised women in the world. Perhaps you simply can't control yourself? But I know you can, because I can't imagine you do this to the toilet in your own home. I have been in many bathrooms in many peoples' homes, and have yet to see a urine-soaked seat. Yet for some fascinating, unfathomable reason, you choose not to control yourself in the bathroom of Target or Olive Garden or Texaco. I have to know why.

Is it because you're like a kid at an amusement park, just running wild and shouting "Wheeee!" and getting a kick out of causing mayhem? In other words, are you a festive urinator?

Or is it because you're so bitter about being the only one who cleans the toilet at home, that you get off on violating a toilet that you know someone else will have to clean? In other words, are you a vengeful urinator?

Or are you marking territory, compelled by some primitive need to "claim" this toilet as your own? In other words, are you a possessive urinator?

There has to be some psychological mechanism at work here. My guess is that you secretly hate women. You know that the next person to come along will be a woman, who will have to either clean your disgusting pee in order to use the bathroom, or will accidentally sit in it--secretly, these two scenarios must thrill you. Either that, or you are just an incredibly ignorant, disgusting, filthy cow of a woman who deserves the worst life has to offer you...and I'd prefer not to think that's the case. But I have to know. The most troubling aspect of this, to me, is that I must know some of these women, must have talked with them or shopped with them or had dinner with them, never realizing that I was dealing with a pee-happy psycho. I'd like to think that's not the case, that the kind of people who pee on public fixtures are not the kind of people I'd socialize with in any way--but the appalling truth is that you Reckless Urinators are like serial killers--lurking among us, shopping at our grocery stores and strolling through our parks, and we think you're one of us.

So please, I encourage you, Reckless Urinator, please tell me why you do it. Maybe you can explain it so eloquently that I will come around to your point of view, and become a Reckless Urinator myself. But the explanation better be good, my bovine friend. The last thing I would want to do is identify myself with someone like you in any way. In fact, if I ever (and this is my dream) walk into a one-person bathroom and see pee all over the seat just moments after seeing a woman exiting that same bathroom, I vow to chase her down, tackle her to the ground, and pee on her. And then I will stand over her crumpled, yellowed form and scream down at her, "I don't even mind if you pee on the damn seat--just turn around and WIPE IT UP WHEN YOU'RE DONE!" Oh yes. Everyone has a dream, and this is mine. I will be lurking outside public restrooms at a restaurant or department store near you, just waiting.

18 comments:

Jenny G said...

Amen! I have never peed on a seat in my life. I don't see how it's even possible!

karla said...

Damn. Good point--I should have addressed the logistics.

Anonymous said...

It's because they are doing the starfish act..tooooooo good to touch the seat because they know some other chick has just pissed on it.
La Boooom

Anonymous said...

Looks like we have even more in common (re: your comment on my blog). I, too, hate the reckless urinator and don't understand what is wrong with people. I think the hate goes along with my general "I hate people" attitude.

I actually saw an Oprah show about this many, many years ago when I was still in college and still watched Oprah (whom I now hate, or at least care nothing about). Many of the women on the show were vengeful urinators, like you mention. They hated women, they hated the world, they hated everyone and they thought they could take out their revenge by peeing on toilet seats and not flushing their crap. I'd call that serious mental instablity.

I just clicked over here and must say, I am very much enjoying your blog!

Carrie (queenoframbles)

jane said...

Preach it, sister! I was going to blog about this myself. Now, I'm just going to link to you, as you said it far better than I ever could. Bravo!

geena said...

I once stood outside the single ladies toilet at work. Out came one of my colleagues. You guessed it: the seat was a urine explosion. She didn't wash her hands either. I never could look her in the eye again after that. Ew.

(Found your blog through Carrie over on LiveJournal)

Carolyn said...

I found your blog through your comment on mine. You are hilarious! I've always thought that if everyone just sat down on a toilet like a normal person, you wouldn't have to stand because someone peed on the toilet. But since they do, then we do, and it's all a vicious cycle!

H0kie Erin said...

If you sprinkle,
When you tinkle,
Be a sweetie,
Wipe the seatie.

Saw it on a bathroom wall and instantly memorized it. Talk about lazy. :)

Lola Viajera said...

Hi!!! My name it's Kathleen, I'm from Puerto Rico and I fucking love this. LOL. I have a blog of my own but it's in spanish I don't know if you'll understand it... keep it going !
BYE

http://lolaviajera.blogspot.com

leesepea said...

I have happened upon many a sprinkled seat. I have come up with the following theories to help explain the phenomenon:

1. Some women are so afraid of using public toilets that they wait until the *very last* second to rush in, not noticing whether or not there are seat covers, then figures she's already dropped trou and may as well just stay put so she does this weird squatting thing, aiming at the bowl and showering anything in its general direction so as not to come in contact with the woman-who-previously-showered-the-seat's pee. Then she figures she can't tell the difference between her pee and the previous pee and just shrugs it off.

2. Some women simply have no manners. Not in public, not in private, and not when doing private things in public.

You choose which one you like better. The first one seems a little more flattering to women in general, the second one just seems a little more realistic.

P.S. Stumbled onto your blog via a comment on Erin's site. Consider yourself bookmarked!

Kristina said...

The Birmingham International Airport, in Alabama of all places, has discovered a solution to this reckless urination problem. When my plane arrived today, I raced into the public restroom just outside my gate. (I dont use airplane restrooms as a rule. I would rather have bladder pains than crawl over two enormous, sweaty strangers to reach the aisle only to be trapped by the flight attendant's drink cart on the way to the most ridiculous closet of a bathroom in existence.)
I got inside the public stall, looking down, ready to wipe the ever so eloquently described cow pee from the seat, when I found plastic draped over the seat like a shower cap. A large red button near the seat directed me to "push" and a fresh, never peed on by strangers plastic cover would appear. Karla, I wanted to call you right then so that you could enjoy the pee free seat with me!

Janet said...

This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. And so true. So true.

Pete said...

Just stumbled onto your site... great stuff you're writing here.

sarcastic journalist said...

I like to pretend that these women straddle the seats and then swivel their hips like Elvis.

Would you please also discuss people who poop and don't flush?

BMF said...

haha, id say this is one of the most funniest posts. and while i dont have to deal with the same thing as you, i can understand your frustration.

Idiot on a Stick said...

I was once in a bar where an older woman was in the stall before me. I waited and used the same stall when she was done.

The bathroom wasn't brightly lit and I didn't notice til I sat down, that my legs felt wet.

I left the bathroom, went over to her table (where she sat with some friends) and told her that "if she was going to piss all over the toilet seat, she could at least have the decency to clean it off".

She pretended she didn't know what I was talking about - while looking around at her friends.

I told her friends that she had been in the stall before me and had pissed all over the seat.

She was all bluff after that, and the staff started to come over because she was getting mad at me.

'She' was getting mad at 'me' when I was the one who'd just sat in her urine.

I've also been known to put up signs at work.

rachel said...

I'd blame my mother, but she always cleans up after herself. Woman will not sit on a public toilet seat, for love nor money. I think it's a generational thing. She trained us to pee squatting (and to wipe up the inevitable). I got over it when I went to college and was using the dorm bathroom all the time and it was too much trouble not to just SIT.

Squatters don't seem to realize that the dirty toilet seats they're trying to avoid are only dirty because of them.

Anonymous said...

While what these women do is unforgivable, I will caution against verbal assault and confrontation against those who appear guilty of this horrible crime, as many of the public toilets flush so violently they actually splash the toilet seat as they flush. It is just as gross to sit in, and it would be nice if people would clean this up as well, but since it often happens as you're walking out the door, it is an unfortunate result of poor toilet design. Perhaps there is a conspiracy going on, and the designers themselves are hoping to fuel such rage and bolster their toilet seat cover sales... :-)