Thursday, July 14, 2005

The sitcom in my bedroom

My husband babbles like a loon in his sleep. This is one of the first things that endeared me to him, and is something I still find incredibly adorable. Sometimes, however, it makes me want to karate chop him in the abdomen. It's always cute when he's asleep on the couch and I'm watching TV on the other couch, or doing dishes in the kitchen. It's never cute when it jolts me out of a lovely, peaceful sleep. And then when I wake him up and ask him to shut his yap, and I just barely get settled into a second, peaceful sleep, and he starts yammering away again, it's even less cute.

Here are couple of examples of the cuteness:

One night when Jake was about a month old, it was midnight and Brian was asleep in the bedroom, while I was on the couch feeding the baby. I heard him calling out, across the house, "Hello! HEL-LO!!?” kind of indignantly. I knew he was just babbling in his sleep, because Brian is not the kind of guy to just lay there and beckon someone to him; he'd get up and come find me if he wanted something. So I ignored it for a bit, assuming he'd stop on his own, but it kept going, and finally I wondered if he really did want something. So I called out and asked him what he needed. Then, of course, he kind of woke up and realized he was talking in his sleep and mumbled, "Oh, uh...nothing. Sorry." This one makes me laugh because it's just funny to imagine him lying there in bed, shouting "Hel-LO!" like he's been waiting for a table in a restaurant for hours and just keeps getting ignored.

One Saturday afternoon he fell asleep on the couch. I was standing nearby folding some baby clothes, and he suddenly woke up panicked, asking, "Where'd my baby go?"” and pointing to the empty spot on the couch next to him, as if Jake had been laying next to him when he went to sleep (which he hadn't--in fact, Brian is afraid to let the baby nap with him, fearing he'll crush him in his sleep). I told him not to worry, that the baby was safe in his crib, but he kept looking all around, and asked a couple more times, "Where'd my baby go?” with that panicked look, until I was finally able to reassure him that the baby was indeed okay. Very cute.

The best was one night shortly after Jake was born. I was in the kitchen making a bottle for Jake, and I heard Brian in the bedroom, asleep in bed, calling for Karen, one of his coworkers. I made a joke as I tried to pass by on my way to the living room, making some crack about him calling other women's names in his sleep. He heard me and sat up and said, "No, Karla, come here, it's important.” I went in there and sat on the edge of the bed, because it did seem important to him; he appeared to be awake now and concerned about something very serious. I sat down, ready to deal with some weighty issue. He said, "Now, what are the three things we're supposed to do with the baby? We need to feed him, and...” and he trailed off, trying to recall the other two. So then I realized he was indeed still asleep, and I know better than to try to have a rational discussion with him when he's talking in his sleep. I've tried in the past to play along and see where the conversation leads, just for kicks, but he never falls for it; he usually just wakes up when I talk back to him. So I told him to go back to sleep, that I was taking care of the baby and he didn't need to worry. I started to get up--but he wouldn’t let me leave. He said, "No, I'm serious. Just let me think. It's...I'm asleep, I can't say it right. There are three things we're supposed to do with the baby. Feed him and....I can't remember the other two." He was clearly frustrated. I told him to just go back to sleep, and I tried to get up to go back to the living room to tend to the baby, but again he wouldn't let me. He grabbed my arm. "No wait! I can't explain it! It's in my head, but...” and this went on and on, with me impatient to get out to the living room with the bottle in my hand and feed Jake so I could go to bed. I was tired, and he wouldn't let me leave. Finally I started laughing and couldn't stop, it was just so silly. I was being held captive by this babbling sleep-talker, while I was trying to leave and take care of our kid. Eventually he started laughing along with me, but wouldn't give up on the idea that there were two more things we had to remember to do with the baby besides feed him. I tried to humor him and come up with two more things just to pacify him, so I said, "Yeah, I remember now--we have to bathe him and hug him, those are the other two things,” but he acted like that was ridiculous, and I was making a mockery of this very serious matter. Finally, still laughing, I just had to get up and leave, telling him I wanted to go to bed. As I was standing in the doorway, closing the door behind me, he was still struggling. "It's something to do with the phone...." I just closed the door and left him to sort it out.

And here's an example of the not-so-cute:

Once a couple years back, I was dead asleep in the middle of the night when, out of the blue, Brian jumped up and started pawing at my face and yelling. Naturally, I just about leapt out of my skin. I had been dead asleep and this jackass just assaulted me. Turns out that in his dream, there was a spider on the bed, and it had crawled on my face. I wanted to kill him. He had scared the living crap out of me, and my heart was pounding so hard I was wide awake. Naturally, Rip Van Winkle was back asleep again in 2.2 seconds, while I lay there, fuming.

17 comments:

Christi said...

I don't know why I'm laughing so hard...I'm just like him! I'm pretty sure that my hubby REALLY loves me to put up with the sleep talking I do! He regales me with stories of my sillyness all the time! What I think is so great is that my two year old now talks in his sleep, too!

leesepea said...

The only time my guy talks to me in his sleep is when I roll over and "claw his eyes out" - usually it means he's trying to share my pillow and I'm trying to get it back from him.

Sometimes, the most entertaining stuff that happens in bed has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

undercover celebrity said...

That is so funny! Mark doesn't do anything nearly that entertaining in his sleep. Sounds like you are a big winner with Bryan.

Kristina said...

I totally laughed out loud reading this post. I can vividly picture the scene of you rationalizing with Brian in the bedroom. The sleep-talking is classic...it is quite cute...but I dont have to live with it.

Mar said...

I always think there are people, real people, like company, in our house during the night. I am just awake enough to know where I am: In my pj's (skimpy at best) and in my house and that I MUST TAKE CARE OF THE COMPANY! I rattle around the room and even wander about the house until DH wakes me enough to convince me go to sleep. This happens like once a month. I bet DH doesn't find it amusing really.

Shrinking Wop said...

This is some very funny stuff.

Carolyn said...

That is so weird. I think I would be freaked out if my husband started talking in his sleep like that ... although the Hell-Oooo part was pretty funny.

Ryan Franklin said...

Dude, you're funny. Can I make you a theme? Not that I don't like yours, but I want to be the one that made your theme when you become famous.

Curator said...

Talking in your sleep can be sooooo embarrasing. Funny story.

TGIF.

TheMartins said...

That is funny... I love your blog! Thanks for stopping by my site! I'll definitely be back. Have a great weekend. :o)

Ryan Franklin said...

no no no no, the template's for free. I need the practice. Email me at rf.usa@cox.net to let me know what colors and images you would like!

BMF said...

haha, thats the hardest part, remembering what they say in their sleep, so you can tell them later! .. nice

sarcastic journalist said...

Um, you just described me in my sleep, right down to the "Where's my baby" AND the spider.

Creepy.

Walker said...

HI, lots of that was very funny, makes me want to set a recorder in the bedroom to see if I talk in my sleep.
Have a nice weekend

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the first time I woke up my wife with my chainsaw snoring, it wasn't endearing. She'd need some sort of UN translater to get any kind of message from my zzzzzzzzzz's. Of course, as a young lad camping with my dad I remember him talking from another orafice entirely ... something that probably didn't endear him to my mother.

– Texas T-bone
tbone.redeaglespirit.com

Airelee said...

My best friend, also a sleep talker, had a boyfriend with a very bad flatulence problem. His refusal to see a doctor ignited her frustration and the action she took to rectify the problem illustrated this perfectly: One morning she woke up to a very angry bed partner who declared, "Do you know what you did to me last night?!?" Confused, she asked him what he was talking about. "Great---you must have been sleepwalking again. Last night I was jolted awake at 3 am because you were spraying floral bouquet on my asshole!"

Anonymous said...

Reading back through your archives, very much enjoying the baby log and wishing I had done the same with my son and holding back from commenting on all his funnies.
On this one though; my brother-in-law's wife (which I guess makes her my sister-in-law) talks and walks in her sleep. One night she was asleep and he was reading when she leaps out of bed, rips the covers off the bed and yells "AHA" like she just caught him with somebody, then crawls back in bed and resumes normal sleeping. Needless to say poor Marc was unable to sleep for hours.