Thursday, August 11, 2005

Calling All Loons (or “An Open Letter To My Dear Readers”)

I've been getting some visitors to my site lately via some really, um...interesting search queries. This is maybe the most fun part of having a blog, in my opinion, so I save all this bizarre info in a .txt file deep in the bowels of my computer til one day when I feel like blogging about it. Today I was rooting around in those very bowels, and thought I'd share with you the fruits of my bowel-rooting. (Yeah. I can already see the Google searches that line is going to bring.)

First, we have the poor sod who did a search for Zantac chiggers. Was this person trying to treat his chigger infestation by pouring liquid Zantac on the affected areas? Was he so uninformed as to wonder if Zantac somehow caused his chigger bites? Or did this person perhaps have a chigger as a pet, and was seeking to cure the poor little thing's upset tummy? (Which makes me wonder how he knew his chigger had an upset tummy. Or why he'd have a chigger as a pet.) I guess the most likely explanation is that he had several chigger bites on his body--which as I've explained to you before aren't really chigger bites, but actual chiggers burrowed into your skin--and he, being a parasite lover, was worried that the Zantac he had been prescribed for his acid reflux might somehow negatively impact his precious chigger colony. In other words, this guy is a loon.

Then there's the fellow who found me by searching for chigger jokes. Are chigger jokes really in demand? Who is out there trying to stock his arsenal of jokes with some chigger humor? I'm not even sure most people know what chiggers are, so such a joke would probably go over like a lead balloon, unless you were in just the right, chigger-knowledgeable crowd. I must assume, then, that this search was done by the guest speaker at this year's annual Exterminator's Convention, as part of his plan to warm up the crowd with some insect humor. But this guy is no genius, clearly, because exterminators don't make their bread and butter from chigger control as much as from controlling other types of insects. So as you can see, this guy is a loon.

Sigh. And then there's the chap who found me by searching for Mexican butts booty. Never mind that I am no expert on Mexican butts, or really, booty of any kind, so there's actually no useful information on that topic on my site. But I worry about this guy. He clearly has a fixation, and one that could surely be better satisfied by loitering around the parking lot of an El Chico restaurant than by sitting at home reading my largely booty-less blog. I can imagine the disappointment on his face when he reached my site and found not the abundance of Tejano backside he had hoped for, but just a lot of barely-funny chigger references. I feel sorry for this dude--even though he's surely a loon.

And today's feature search? Well, you wouldn't believe me if I just wrote it here--you'd tell me I was making it up. I had to take a screen shot of this one.
Now, it's bad enough someone is searching for roughing it with the prissy little princess. I can only hope that "roughing it" in this goofball's mind refers to camping or living in a log cabin with no running water, and not some crazy porn-style aggressive interlude. Either way, that guy is an obvious loon. But as I'm sure you'll agree, the really fascinating element of this particular screenshot is the search for I adore creepy homeless dental sex. I'm trying to think of a joke to make here, but nothing I can think of is funnier than the search itself. I will say that, while I didn't realize until now that homeless dental sex was even a category of sex, I have to wonder if the word "creepy" is really warranted here—I think it’s implied. It would seem that this King of all Loons would find more info on the subject if he refined his search and left the "I adore creepy" part out, instead just searching for (shudder) "homeless dental sex." By the way, I’d like to issue a warning to all homeless folk right here and now: Keep your mouth closed. There’s a weirdo on the loose. It’s in your best interest to refrain from falling asleep under an overpass with your mouth open, at least until this bizarre Google searcher gets put behind bars for one of the many offenses he no doubt commits on a regular basis. God wiling, a nosy neighbor will soon notice the human bones half-buried in the back yard of his hovel, or the stench of decay emanating from one of his tinfoil-covered windows, and call the cops. Until then, hide those rotting teeth, my unbathed, transient friends.

So what have we learned from these various search queries? My readers are, by and large, goddamn loons.

31 comments:

ducklet said...

Loons! Heh! They sure are!

/pauses, thinks

Hey!

Chris said...

There isn’t one word in that whole search phrase that doesn't creep me out. Do you mind if I borrow the idea and post some of my gems? Did I follow your "quiz rules" O.K.?

CommonWombat said...

I think it's funny that you posted a warning to all homeless people on the internet... I'm sure a lot of them have computers stashed in their shopping carts. You can tell by the long ethernet cables they're always trailing. :)

pat said...

LOL have you ever thought that maybe some of your faithful readers have caught on to how you blog bizarre searches, so they're making up the most goddamn crazy searches that will find your site? I mean, this certainly couldn't be me, though. I'm much too new! I can barely figure out what all you regulars are going on about most of the time... :)

Kiki said...

I can't believe someone got to your blog from I adore creepy homeless dental sex.

What were you writing about in the past??!?
:)

Steve said...

I can't seem to find your site by searching "i adore creepy homeless dental sex" OR "roughing it with the prissy little princess," despite you now having posted using both those exact phrases. Someone must have scoured 300 plus search results before finding your site.

I think its also worth noting that both the queries com from google.ca, the canadian google. I knew they couldn't be trusted!

ianmack said...

i suppose that's better than how some people found my site -- with the phrase "internet dating losers"

R.A. said...

Be afraid...be very afraid. I can't believe some of these searches...thanks for the laughs!!

leesepea said...

LOL!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well of course we is. What kind of people do you think you deserve, for pity's sake?

a fish on a bycicle said...

poor you, it's a terrible downward spiral isn't it, you've written "crazy porn-style aggressive interlude" and you just know that there's some berserker out there googling that same phrase right now...

poo said...

I am SO googling "homeless dental sex" when I get home from work.

pylorns said...

I've come to that conclusion a long time ago, I'll periodically post my linkages and they are wierd

Carolyn said...

Once again, I'm laughing out loud at work, and most likely will get fired because of you! :)

The only slightly exciting search I've gotten on mine was for "really smelly girl." Your site is much more exciting ...

I'm glad you're looking out for those homeless people.

psquared said...

Caw! Caw!

I’m a loon. Get it?

p2

Sarah said...

i haven't laughed that loud - with tears in my eyes and all - in so long!!! ahhh, that felt gooooood. thank you.

Curator said...

LOL, I swear I trip on my stats as well from T2T.

The NINternet is something else.

TGIF.

Ms. Armsweat said...

Holy crap, that was hilarious. Homeless dental sex is awesome. I should know. I just had it.

I'm thinking I will string together some bizarre phrases, hit search just to see where I wind up. Maybe I can wind up back here if I am lucky.

I'm still laughing over here! Sheesh.

Angie said...

LMAO @ homeless dental sex!

DeeJay said...

Homeless dental sex? What's up with that?! lol Your blog is too fun to read. Adding you to my list of blogs people should read. Thanks for the comment on my Shakey and Sweaty.

Katya said...

i'm soooo glad I haven't got this option...lol

and i have no idea what chiggers are...???

:0)

tigger said...

What's wrong with homeless dental sex? You're SO closed minded!!!

=)

Sincerely,
A Loon

Anonymous said...

All I can say is...wow. I think some of those people have a little too much time on their hands.

Christi said...

Ummm, what scares me is that when they typed in these searches, you came up!

Christi said...

You don't have to go here, but the other day I posted a pic in your honor, and I just wanted you to know...http://jokeyteacher.blogspot.com/2005/08/party-people.html

Paul said...

HILARIOUS.

Especially the dental sex one. I mean, those search queries are always so amazing, in my opinion. Gives you a snapshot at JUST HOW STRANGE a lot of the people are out there staring at their glowing monitor.

My favorite I ever got was, "Cooter raisins do good."

I don't even know what that means.

Gerbera Daisy said...

This is SOOOO funny!!! Thanks for the smiles this morning!!

undercover celebrity said...

very funny!

But I think you missed a VERY IMPORTANT point that may just put you in the very "loon" category you write about. That is -- though these people type in crazy-ass searches... the truth of the matter is that YOUR site shows up in the results of that search.

Let's explore for a moment why your site is a relevant result of "creepy homeless dental sex" and "mexican butt booty" -- hmmm... Karla we may need to stage an intervention :)

Thomas said...

This may be the most relevant post of the 21st century. It says so much about where we are these days.

Good job, Karla.

Rico said...

I can assure you that I did not find you under a search for "steamy amphibian love desire.” Were would I eve get that?

Anyway – Your blog simply rules. IT RULES!

Amanda said...

whoa...