I've been getting some visitors to my site lately via some really, um...interesting search queries. This is maybe the most fun part of having a blog, in my opinion, so I save all this bizarre info in a .txt file deep in the bowels of my computer til one day when I feel like blogging about it. Today I was rooting around in those very bowels, and thought I'd share with you the fruits of my bowel-rooting. (Yeah. I can already see the Google searches that line is going to bring.)
First, we have the poor sod who did a search for Zantac chiggers. Was this person trying to treat his chigger infestation by pouring liquid Zantac on the affected areas? Was he so uninformed as to wonder if Zantac somehow caused his chigger bites? Or did this person perhaps have a chigger as a pet, and was seeking to cure the poor little thing's upset tummy? (Which makes me wonder how he knew his chigger had an upset tummy. Or why he'd have a chigger as a pet.) I guess the most likely explanation is that he had several chigger bites on his body--which as I've explained to you before aren't really chigger bites, but actual chiggers burrowed into your skin--and he, being a parasite lover, was worried that the Zantac he had been prescribed for his acid reflux might somehow negatively impact his precious chigger colony. In other words, this guy is a loon.
Then there's the fellow who found me by searching for chigger jokes. Are chigger jokes really in demand? Who is out there trying to stock his arsenal of jokes with some chigger humor? I'm not even sure most people know what chiggers are, so such a joke would probably go over like a lead balloon, unless you were in just the right, chigger-knowledgeable crowd. I must assume, then, that this search was done by the guest speaker at this year's annual Exterminator's Convention, as part of his plan to warm up the crowd with some insect humor. But this guy is no genius, clearly, because exterminators don't make their bread and butter from chigger control as much as from controlling other types of insects. So as you can see, this guy is a loon.
Sigh. And then there's the chap who found me by searching for Mexican butts booty. Never mind that I am no expert on Mexican butts, or really, booty of any kind, so there's actually no useful information on that topic on my site. But I worry about this guy. He clearly has a fixation, and one that could surely be better satisfied by loitering around the parking lot of an El Chico restaurant than by sitting at home reading my largely booty-less blog. I can imagine the disappointment on his face when he reached my site and found not the abundance of Tejano backside he had hoped for, but just a lot of barely-funny chigger references. I feel sorry for this dude--even though he's surely a loon.
And today's feature search? Well, you wouldn't believe me if I just wrote it here--you'd tell me I was making it up. I had to take a screen shot of this one.
Now, it's bad enough someone is searching for roughing it with the prissy little princess. I can only hope that "roughing it" in this goofball's mind refers to camping or living in a log cabin with no running water, and not some crazy porn-style aggressive interlude. Either way, that guy is an obvious loon. But as I'm sure you'll agree, the really fascinating element of this particular screenshot is the search for I adore creepy homeless dental sex. I'm trying to think of a joke to make here, but nothing I can think of is funnier than the search itself. I will say that, while I didn't realize until now that homeless dental sex was even a category of sex, I have to wonder if the word "creepy" is really warranted here—I think it’s implied. It would seem that this King of all Loons would find more info on the subject if he refined his search and left the "I adore creepy" part out, instead just searching for (shudder) "homeless dental sex." By the way, I’d like to issue a warning to all homeless folk right here and now: Keep your mouth closed. There’s a weirdo on the loose. It’s in your best interest to refrain from falling asleep under an overpass with your mouth open, at least until this bizarre Google searcher gets put behind bars for one of the many offenses he no doubt commits on a regular basis. God wiling, a nosy neighbor will soon notice the human bones half-buried in the back yard of his hovel, or the stench of decay emanating from one of his tinfoil-covered windows, and call the cops. Until then, hide those rotting teeth, my unbathed, transient friends.
So what have we learned from these various search queries? My readers are, by and large, goddamn loons.