Friday, August 26, 2005

Lessons I've learned Part 7

Sex toys go in the trunk, not the back seat.

Man, I'm going to get some frightening Google searches after this.

This story is about my gay friend Tommy. That's not his real name, although I'm not sure why I'm protecting his privacy. I think he'd be flattered to have his story showcased here, and will probably pout when he finds out I used a fake name. But since I'm too lazy to call him and ask how he'd feel about having the story told, he's getting a fake name.

Tommy got an unusual gift from one of his ambiguously gay friends--a big, black rubbery dildo. I say "ambiguously gay" because this friend of his was one of those gorgeous, studly athlete types who plays on a semi-pro sports team, and gives the appearance of being straight, but Tommy knows better. This particular item was (hopefully) the kind of thing purchased more commonly for comedic effect than for actual use--it was incredibly big, ridiculously long, and very rubbery. Novelty-like, really. Tommy named it Clifford--because the only thing funnier than being the owner of one of these doohickeys is being the owner of one that you've named, which you then can presumably refer to as if it's an actual person. As in, "Clifford hates rainy days," or "Don't talk like that in front of Clifford."

Tommy was on his way to Austin (a few hours' drive) one weekend to see some friends, and was speeding along in the little grey chick car he drives. I'm not a car person, but I think it's like a grey 1990 Cutlass or something--I always associate that kind of car with something a mom would drive, which is why I think of it as a chick car. Don't ask me what he was in such a godawful hurry for, but when the cop pulled him over, he was clocked at 100. I've known Tommy for years, and he's always driven this same old Cutlass, and the most shocking part of this story, to me, is that the car was able to achieve that kind of speed. I have to believe this story because I have no reason not to trust my friend, but really...100 mph? Anyway.

The cop marched up to Tommy's driver's side window and issued the standard, "Do you realize you're endangering the lives of everyone on this road" speech, with the standard daddy-yelling-at-his-little-boy attitude, while Tommy acted appropriately remorseful, hoping he could somehow get out of this ticket. No dice--because of the excessive speed, the cop said he'd have to arrest him. Arrangements were quickly made for a tow truck to come fetch the little grey chick car, and the cop continued to admonish Tommy. He handcuffed him and made him stand aside as he proceeded to inspect the car for potential evil. He began rifling through the overnight bag in the back seat, pulling out clothes, shaving kit, shoes...and Clifford.

In all the commotion of first being pulled over for speeding, then learning he'd be arrested and his car towed, Tommy had forgotten all about Clifford. The cop froze in place, uncomprehending at first, holding Clifford by the base as the upper 10 inches of Clifford lazily swayed back and forth in a rubbery fashion. Tommy, handcuffed, stood there horrified and mortally embarrassed, mouth agape, staring at the motionless police officer and Clifford, still swaying like a metronome. I imagine this moment happening in slow-motion, with the cop's first thought, "What is this? What IS this? What the...no. No. NO!" And his second thought, "God knows where this thing has been! I've got to wash my hands right now." The cop dropped Clifford like a lit match, clearly disgusted, and continued to sift through the bag, while Tommy thought to himself, "Well, the worst has happened, there's nothing more in there for him to find." Then the cop pulled out two gay porno tapes.

Tommy had no idea those were in there. He had only brought Clifford along as a joke to show to his friends in Austin. He had no idea how the tapes got in there--although he discovered later that his gay friend Chris (or Gay Chris, as he was cleverly referred to) threw them in there when Tommy wasn't looking, just to be funny. So by now the cop must have thought Tommy was some kind of deranged pervert on his way to a big gay orgy of some kind. If you knew my sweet, innocent little Tommy, you'd know this is far from the truth. Tommy hung on to his virginity a ridiculously long time, way longer than anyone else I know, and even now just seems too sweet and pure to be up to any shenanigans, much less on his way to a big gay orgy. I think of him as pure as the driven snow, if the driven snow were gay.

Then the cop got a call about an even more sinister law-breaker than the dildo-wielding Tommy--a female driving erratically, in excess of 100 mph, out-running several pursuing cop cars. She was believed to be armed and on amphetamines. All units were called to respond--including, apparently, Tommy's captor. To his shock, Tommy was hastily un-cuffed and told he was free to go! The cop tossed Tommy's filthy bag of orgy paraphernalia unceremoniously onto the roadside pavement and sped away. Tommy and Clifford were left to continue on with their weekend plans.

The lesson? It's along the same lines as "Always wear clean underwear, just in case you're ever in a car wreck." Always put your sex toys in the trunk of your car, not the back seat, just in case you're ever pulled over and searched by a homophobic cop.

29 comments:

CommonWombat said...

1) "I think of him as pure as the driven snow, if the driven snow were gay." This is without question, the best line of prose I've read all week. Consider yourself the proud (one would assume) recipient of the "I amused the shit outta Wombat" award.

2) In the above paragraph I accidentaly typed "amsuded" instead of "amused," and just spent a full minute in hysterics trying to figure out what the fuck "amsuded" meant. It's that kind of night.

3) Did you also change the dildo's name to protect its identity?

4) Okay, I feel like I'm turning your comments section into my blog. I'm going to bed.

ducklet said...

well, you're smarter than me is, cause the lesson i got was totally the opposite. clearly clifford the big black dong cued the cop into his own feelings of curiosity, and not able to handle it, made up a story about a 'woman' driving 100 mph. i bet the 'woman' was bosomy and what the cop is 'really into.' the first thing i'm doing is buying some male porn and strewing it about my car. i wouldn't want to go to prison.

Gerbera Daisy said...

This story is hilarious!!!!!!! I LOVE it!! I am still laughing my ass off. And Brando's comment "Clifford, the big black dong" put me over the edge!! Thanks for the giggles and for starting my day off on a good note!!

bornfool said...

I think Brando is probably right. having that stuff in his back seat may have kept him from getting arrested. Great Story! Like the Wombat said in #1. That was a great line.

Leah said...

That may be one of the funniest things I've read all week. I want a Clifford. But just for show.

Carolyn said...

Your stories just keep getting funnier and funnier! I bet Clifford has some great stories of his own!

undercover celebrity said...

Am I the only one who is terrified of Clifford? Seriously, your imagry of it waving like a metronome was too much.

And... did anyone else notice that Wombat found a way to include excrement in his comments? :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"...swaying like a metronome." Superb visual, Ms. Babble. And there is something inherently wrong with thinking "and the cop put the arm on Clifford."

miss kendra said...

i like dildo stories.

more please.

TinaPoPo said...

I'm going to start keeping a large, black, rubbery dildo in my own backseat (of my car -- pervs), just in case this ever happens. Can't hurt to get out of a ticket.

R.A. said...

Great...just great...now I can NEVER let my kids watch Clifford the Big Red Dog. Do you know anyone who wants a bunch of Clifford books, stuffed animals....etc?!?!?!...Great story!!!

Jessica said...

While you might have protected your friend with a fake name, I hoping the dildo's name really is Clifford....because that's just hysterical - I can't think of another name for a dildo funnier than that!

jane said...

I can't decide which phrase I like better, "if the driven snow were gay" or "the dildo-wielding Tommy."

I hope some day you are going to publish all of these into one of those pithy little "Life's Little Instructions" books. I would totally buy it!

Miladysa said...

Hilarious! :)

Janet said...

That is the funniest shit.

I agree--you should write a book. You are a excellent storyteller.

Masked Mom said...

Best dildo story I've heard all week...and the runner-up was:

Friend of mine gets a package from her brother on her birthday. Opens it to find a dildo and a pair of bedroom slippers with the note: "If you don't like your new slippers you can go fuck yourself."

Christa said...

I was giggling out loud at the metronome description as well. The story was very well told and absolutely hilarious!

Lisa said...

lmao... I can totally picture that. TOTALLY. You should tell him to carry it everywhere just in case...apparently it's a good tool for getting out of tickets =)

Maja said...

But if Clifford weren't in the bag in the back seat, you would never have told us this great story :)

Masked mom I am pissing myself.. that's brilliant!

mrhaney said...

ah karla. your a piece of work. that was a funny post. it is hard to get me laughing this early on a saturday morning but you managed to do it. drop by and see me when you get a chance.

...just-rambling... said...

Hi! Mr. Haney sent me. That was just too funny! BTW, were you the girl driving in excess of 100mph, in an attempt to get the officer off of Tommy's ass? ;)

Walker said...

Great post LOL
But I would like to say that if it wasn't for Clifford and delaying the cop your friend would have been arrested. If he had been in the cruiser and on the way to jail then the cop would have had to stay out of the other chase.
Keep Clifford in the front seat but keep his seat belt on
Have a nice weekend

Angie said...

I know someone who gave a clifford to a woman who kept asking him to sleep with her. I thought it was hilarious. Shouldn't she have had the decency to be embarressed? LOL I would have. Your stories are just too funny.

Marc said...

lol this is an awesome story.

Ariel1980 said...

The slow-motion replay would have been classic, if only it had been caught on film. Wait! Don't those cop cars have cameras now? I can just see this ending up on a naughty version of America's funniest home videos....

Your poor friend!

Denny Shane said...

hey fellow Texan! Great writing on your blog and interesting also. I'll be back often... Stop by and give a yell! ;)

Kiki said...

You are such a good story teller. And you have the strangest stories. I love it.

Nicole said...

Once again, you have me laughing out loud at work. Great story, and even greater storytelling! I agree with Jane -- you should write a book with all these helpful anecdotes. And I'd like to reserve an advance copy, please!

Thomas said...

Do you ever get the idea that Google was invented to look for posts just like this?