Sunday, August 21, 2005

Happy Birthday Vanessa!

Today is my friend Vanessa's birthday. All together now, let's sing:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday Karla's friend Vanessa
Happy birthday to you!

Holy crap. I would never have requested that if I'd known what awful singers some of you are. Please refrain from singing on my blog ever again. (Especially you, Common Wombat. You sounded like a cow caught in a threshing machine.)

In the following pictures, Vanessa's the one on your left. It's no accident that she's on my my right side (your left) in both pictures. I insist that she remain on my right side at all times, just in case I suddenly go blind or without warning we find ourselves victims of an air bombing attack; I'll know where to find her.

My friend Jeremy had his birthday yesterday. So happy late birthday to Jeremy, who has supplied me with the technology to be able to listen to Howard Stern at any moment of the day, and to watch a billion hours of TV in the span of a few months. (Don't sing the birthday song to him, though; you guys stink at that. Especially Wombat, who sounds like three goats in a stump grinder.) And then there's my friend Chris, the guy with us in the top picture, whose birthday is also today. So happy birthday to Chris--who we only hang out with because his birthday is the same day as Vanessa's.

Now that I think of it, the middle picture was taken a couple weeks ago on my birthday (August 1) . It must look to you like all my friends were born in August, but that's not true--well, yet, anyway. But now that I think about it, I think I'll go ahead and weed out all the non-August people in my life, starting today. So, attention friends of mine: Unless your birthday is in August, don't call me anymore. (But keep my address, so that you can still mail me birthday gifts. Start planning now for the gift you'll get me in 2006.)

Anyway, back to Vanessa.

Here are just a few of the benefits of having her as a friend:

She laughs at my unfunny jokes.
She sometimes gets me drunk.
So far, she hasn't stolen any of my valuables.
She almost never hits on any of my family members.
She keeps my darkest secret, about the time I got busted for prostitution. (Oops. Pretend I didn't mention that.)

By some incredible luck I found her as a friend, and in the years since then, she has been a crucial element in my life. My life would be very sad and dull without her, and I suspect there would be lots of pills and dramatic weeping involved. In fact, when my husband daydreams about us moving out of Texas someday, my first reaction is always, "But I can't be without Vanessa!" It simply is not possible to convey what a great person and what a great friend she is, and I have to tell you, all you readers who don't know her are really missing out.

However! If you'd like to get to know her, here's her home address. She's a really nice person, so I'm sure she'd love it if you just drop by and visit any time. She lives at:

1515 South Lemon Street
Springbell, Texas 77322

Oh come on, I'm just kidding--that's not really her address. What kind of idiot do you take me for? To clarify: I am an idiot, but just not that kind of idiot. I don't want the guy who Googled "homeless dental sex" showing up at Vanessa's house, or Common Wombat trying to shatter her eardrums with a serenade outside her window. (Did I mention he sounds like 6 weasels in a paper shredder?)

Anyway, happy birthday Vanessa. I hope to be celebrating your 100th birthday with you someday.


Anonymous said...

Okay so here I am leaving my first comment on your site - wait was this whole post just a ploy to get me to write something?? Hm... You threatened to write about me in your blog, but I was not expecting this. I am truly the lucky one to have you as my friend. I am thankful everyday that I have you in my life. I am speechless... I love you, and can not wait to have more birthdays with you! I will gush more to you in person, as I know most everyone comes here for humor and not sappy girl stuff :) Love, V

Anonymous said...

Oh wait - just to clarify on the benefits:
1. You know I am easily amused, and will laugh at anything.
2. I love Drunk Karla!!
3. I am glad my ruse has fooled you.... Are you sure you 'lost' your MP3 player?
4. I can't help that your sister Sherry is hot...
5. We all know that your deepest darkest secret has nothing to do with prostitution...If I was not a coconspirator, I would blab it for all to read.
Sorry Brian that you are still stuck in this town, but you can not take her away. Ever. -V

Nicole Kelley said...

Happy birthday, Vanessa!

And happy belated birthday, Karla!

I, too, celebrate an August birthday -- next week, actually! So it appears that we can still be friends. I'm sure that's a huge relief.


mal said...

it is good you are worried about the consequences of thermo nuclear warfare but would it not make more sense to wear an eye patch instead? Kind of add to that "bad girl" look? *L*

cute blog, "cow in a threshing machine"? Oh My

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dear Former Friend:

My birthday is not till October. It's been nice knowing you. I am sorry you have given up on me because I haven't had a chance to hit on you yet. But let me know if your husband leaves town.

Happy birthday to everybody who needs it.

CommonWombat said...


Masked Mom said...

Awww, poor Wombat. Maybe someone's having a birthday at Gallaudet University and he could sing there.

mrhaney said...

happy birthday Vanessa. hello karla. i just sent you an e-mail a few minutes ago. i hope you get it.
it is a good thing to have such a good friend. it is hard to keep a good friend as the years go by.

Unknown said...

Girl you crack me up.

30in2005 said...

Thanks for the advice on how to stop anonymous spam from leaving me a zillion comments at a time. Will come abck and tell you if it worked!!!

Anonymous said...

I miss your little birthday club by a day, but frankly, I'm kind of glad. Trading banter gets exhausting.

Lisa said...

Happy Birthday Vanessa!

Karla - followed you back here from a comment on my site.

Damn girl! You're hilarious! I'll be back... we live in the KC area too... so I can so relate to the whole chigger thing... I think I posted about them on my blog awhile back.. little bastards!

Christi said...

Happy Birthday, Vanessa!

Hey, my birthday is on the 16th of August. Does that mean I get to be your friend?

S A J Shirazi said...

Happy Birthday to your friend. BTW, has the trophy arrived. you deserve it. Yes.

pylorns said...

pretty cute to boot. Send her my way :)

leesepea said...

I object.

I sing pretty!

karla said...

Okay, Leesepea, I'm sorry. It's just hard to pick out the one good voice in the mass of what sounds like walruses being harpooned.

Anonymous said...


You are very funny. I hope to come meet Jake this week when I am off. Vanessa is truly a wonderful person and a great friend to all that have the blessing of knowing her. Good post.

dizzy von damn! said...

so does this mean because i'm a september baby the laser hair removal gift exchange is off? because i was thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Vanessa! I love the "benefits" list by both of you. Great to have such fun friends.

Oh, and happy belated birthday, Karla! (it's acceptable to say that since we are still in August, right?)

CommonWombat said...

I suppose I should point out that my birthday is September 11 (yeah, I know...) and you have the opportunity to make up for casting aspersions on my singing ability by buying me something really extravagant.

Don't even think of getting me singing lessons either. I know how your brain works.

The Complimenting Commenter said...

That is so terrific. Celebrating birthdays are so fun. I hope that you all had a good time and that you share many more. Thanks for the compliment and a very cool post.

Emily said...

Ok, why is it so much fun to make fun of common wombat? I can't stop doing it either. But that was seriously hilarious!

karla said...

Undercover Celebrity: I think it's because you get the impression that he's someone who can dish it out as well as take it. I love people like that; they're so much fun.

Of course, if I'm wrong about him being able to "take it," then he may track me down and kill me in payment for all the jokes I've made about him. I don't like people like that.

Take it easy, Wombat. Nice Wombat.

CommonWombat said...

Sigh... It's okay... I make fun of me too...

karla said...

Oh, Wombat, we love you!