Today is my friend Vanessa's birthday. All together now, let's sing:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday Karla's friend Vanessa
Happy birthday to you!

Holy crap. I would never have requested that if I'd known what awful singers some of you are. Please refrain from singing on my blog ever again. (Especially you, Common Wombat. You sounded like a cow caught in a threshing machine.)

In the following pictures, Vanessa's the one on your left. It's no accident that she's on my my right side (your left) in both pictures. I insist that she remain on my right side at all times, just in case I suddenly go blind or without warning we find ourselves victims of an air bombing attack; I'll know where to find her.

My friend Jeremy had his birthday yesterday. So happy late birthday to Jeremy, who has supplied me with the technology to be able to listen to Howard Stern at any moment of the day, and to watch a billion hours of TV in the span of a few months. (Don't sing the birthday song to him, though; you guys stink at that. Especially Wombat, who sounds like three goats in a stump grinder.) And then there's my friend Chris, the guy with us in the top picture, whose birthday is also today. So happy birthday to Chris--who we only hang out with because his birthday is the same day as Vanessa's.

Now that I think of it, the middle picture was taken a couple weeks ago on my birthday (August 1) . It must look to you like all my friends were born in August, but that's not true--well, yet, anyway. But now that I think about it, I think I'll go ahead and weed out all the non-August people in my life, starting today. So, attention friends of mine: Unless your birthday is in August, don't call me anymore. (But keep my address, so that you can still mail me birthday gifts. Start planning now for the gift you'll get me in 2006.)

Anyway, back to Vanessa.

Here are just a few of the benefits of having her as a friend:

She laughs at my unfunny jokes.
She sometimes gets me drunk.
So far, she hasn't stolen any of my valuables.
She almost never hits on any of my family members.
She keeps my darkest secret, about the time I got busted for prostitution. (Oops. Pretend I didn't mention that.)

By some incredible luck I found her as a friend, and in the years since then, she has been a crucial element in my life. My life would be very sad and dull without her, and I suspect there would be lots of pills and dramatic weeping involved. In fact, when my husband daydreams about us moving out of Texas someday, my first reaction is always, "But I can't be without Vanessa!" It simply is not possible to convey what a great person and what a great friend she is, and I have to tell you, all you readers who don't know her are really missing out.

However! If you'd like to get to know her, here's her home address. She's a really nice person, so I'm sure she'd love it if you just drop by and visit any time. She lives at:

1515 South Lemon Street
Springbell, Texas 77322

Oh come on, I'm just kidding--that's not really her address. What kind of idiot do you take me for? To clarify: I am an idiot, but just not that kind of idiot. I don't want the guy who Googled "homeless dental sex" showing up at Vanessa's house, or Common Wombat trying to shatter her eardrums with a serenade outside her window. (Did I mention he sounds like 6 weasels in a paper shredder?)

Anyway, happy birthday Vanessa. I hope to be celebrating your 100th birthday with you someday.

Labels: Holiday hell