Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's the Wednesday Two-for-One Crab Special!

Hope you're in the mood for some crab! Have a seat and put your bib on.

Years ago I knew this guy, let's call him Rick. He was a cute, popular guy in the town where I lived, and while I always thought he was a little full of himself, lots of girls probably would have liked to be his girlfriend. The lucky lady, at least at the time of this incident, was a girl I'll call Jessica. I never cared for her, because, well, I like nice people.

At some point during a boys' night out in a neighboring town, Rick ended up sleeping with a girl who, even by his own admission, was pretty skanky. You could hardly blame the guy, though--he had a penis, and she was a girl...and you know how men who have penises can be when they have access to girls. He had to do it, right? I'm just kidding, I know not all men cheat. And really, if you knew his girlfriend Jessica, you'd hardly fault the guy. She was not the most dynamic individual. If you put her side by side with one of those swan ice sculptures you sometimes see at weddings, you'd be hard pressed to tell which was which, and you might end up liking the ice chunk better. At any rate, Rick committed the crime of infidelity, and karma zapped him right in the crotch--he got crabs.

It took him a day or two to realize what the hotbed of activity in his undies was. By the time he understood that insects had, indeed, colonized around his family jewels, he had already slept with his girlfriend Jessica. (Clearly, the guy didn't spend much time on his feet.) So now he had a dilemma: There was always a possibility that he had not managed to transmit the critters to Jessica during their liaison, and if he knew that for sure, he could simply treat his own infestation and she'd never have to know about his penis's wandering eye. However, there was no subtle way for him to inspect her nether regions without arousing suspicion (short of chloroforming her), so that idea was impractical. Naturally, when she discovered the growing swarm in her formerly pristine cotton panties, she would know Rick had accidentally tripped and fallen into someone else's vagina. What to do?

I bet a lot of you out there are thinking there is no solution to a problem so delicate as this. You're probably thinking to yourself that the only answer is to admit defeat--go to Jessica, head hanging in shame, and confess. Beg for her continuing love, and then head to the drugstore, hand in hand, to buy a family-sized bottle of Crabicide, or Crab-Out, or whatever it's called.

Suckers. There's always a way out, if you're incredibly slimy and devious, as was Rick. Of course, it also helps if your girlfriend is dumb as a bag of hammers. Here's what Rick came up with:

He packed a bottle of wine and a blanket, and whisked Jessica off to a local farm, where he took her into the barn and had sex with her in the hay. Then, disheveled and picking hay out of their hair, they went back into town and retired to their separate homes. Lo and behold, the next day Rick showed up on her doorstep, aghast. Apparently he had gotten crabs from the hay! Had she seen any of the little buggers on herself? Wide-eyed, she shuttled off to the bathroom for a peek and wouldn't you know it, she had gotten them too! Poor Jessica--if only she had known how easily crabs can be gotten from a roll in the hay. Well, it's a lesson learned.

And yes, she fell for it, and never suspected anything untoward of her doting boyfriend. And Rick, so proud of himself for pulling off the world's most incredible scam on possibly the world's dumbest girl, couldn't contain himself; he bragged about it to my boyfriend, and probably half the town as well--although, as far as I know, Jessica never heard the story.

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What's that? You're still hungry for more crab? Here comes dish number two.

My friend Josh (as he will herein be called), was never what you'd call the choosy sort when it came to women. If you wanted to sleep with him, there was no screening process you had to go through. Are you female? Then the answer is yes. It was that simple. Are you 200 lbs? Fine. 600 lbs? Also fine. Covered in feces? Okay. Handcuffed to a corpse? No problem. Eating the corpse? Perfectly acceptable. Not only was he he a dumpster diver when it came to women, but he was very proud of it. The more objectionable the person he slept with last night, the more people he would brag to about it today, cackling maniacally throughout the narration. I have many funny/disturbing stories about his escapades, but let's not deviate from the crab theme.

One night he slept with a girl named Dana, and as cruel fate would have it, he came away from the encounter with a batch of souvenir crabs. Thereafter he loudly referred to Dana as Fire Woman, since he likened the feeling of a herd of crabs munching on his manhood to what it must feel like to have a fire in his pants. Here's how silly and naive I am: When I heard him disgustedly refer to Dana as Fire Woman several hundred times, I assumed he regretted sleeping with her and therefore getting crabs--I actually thought branding her Fire Woman was his way of saying, "You wouldn't want to sleep with that girl, believe me."

Clearly, I underestimated Josh's willingness to overlook any and every flaw when it came to potential bed partners. Either that, or I overestimated his hygiene standards.

During a sexual dry spell, Josh went to the drugstore, picked up a bottle of DeCrabifyer, or Don't Be Crabby! or whatever it's called, and headed to Dana's house at 4 AM on a weeknight. When she stumbled out of bed and answered the door, Josh was standing there with the crab shampoo in one hand and a six pack in the other, and a big grin on his face, saying, "Let's go!"

And they did. She slept with him. (But no parasites were exchanged this time. Don't you just love a happy ending?)

Stay tuned next time for Gonorrhea Monday!

29 comments:

Curator said...

She spread herself wide open to let the insects in
She leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been

Reptile, Nine Inch Nails

Applicable to both Men & Women KB, well told storytelling.

Cheers.

psquared said...

When you said “colonized” I had this image of chuck wagons circled around the camp and fighting off Crab-Men on horse back.

undercover celebrity said...

I just keep thinking that I would have been "stupid Jessica" -- wait! That's her fake name... her real name isn't Emily, right?

Oh wait... I've never had crabs. Nor did I have a romp in the hay with the town man-whore. Ok, I can sleep tonight.

Whew!

Jessica said...

I'd like to go on record as a nice, dynamic Jessica who has never dated a man named Rick OR had crabs.

Christi said...

and since I'm sure her name isn't really Jessica, I too, have never had crabs. Slept with the town whore, yes, but never had crabs.

CommonWombat said...

Stop, you had me at "eating the corpse..."

-still chuckling-

poo said...

a visual:

http://162.129.70.33/images/phthirus_pubis_1_031123.jpg

poo said...

aw hell, here's another one:

http://geocities.yahoo.com.br/insecta_tv/Blatariae-Periplaneta-cerco001.jpg

look at that cute little guy!

Lyvvie said...

I have now decided that all of my friends are completely boring!!!

Will you be my friend?

And...why aren't you writing for magazines or something. you're fantastic!

Miladysa said...

Unique Karla, crabbing unique!

the Caitlinator said...

Aww... you're just fishing for weird Google searches now. ;)

Great, as usual.

Kiki said...

Mwaaaaaa ha ha! Love the names for the "Crab-be-gone" meds.

Seriously--have you ever thought about taking up stand up comedy?

Kristina said...

You had better stay humble from all of this fame! Oh, to lyvvie: being her friend is as great as you would imagine.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You mean you aren't going to Google so we can find out the real name of the Lice-Out? What if we need to know? (Fat chance.)

Gonorrhea (sp?) is next? Have you already done syphilis?

tigger said...

Hmmm...I am curious about this fascination with insects.

Tell me about your mother...

Denny Shane said...

lol Karla... I needed a good laugh~ thanks... can't wait for next monday! lol

J.Morgan said...

Now that's a great set of stories. Men are pretty slimy, aren't we (them.) Although you definitely have to hand it to him - had a problem, solved it!

Christa said...

Those stories are absolutely hilarious!! I love to hear how people got out of explaining where the crabs came from. I once heard a guy tell his girlfriend, my friend, that he got them from sitting on his roommates bed in his underwear. He then said the doctor told him you can get them anywhere, even in the waiting room of the clinic. I still can't believe she bought that shit and am laughing out loud just thinking about it!

TinaPoPo said...

Wait...you can't get crabs from a roll in the hay? Hey! I bet you can't get gonorrhea from a tractor seat, either!

Van! said...

bizaarrrrrr.... moi? :-(

Gerbera Daisy said...

Oh My God!!! I am laughing my ass off here!!! If you ever become a stand up comedian, please let me know. Your stories are hilarious!!
;-)

NA said...

OMG!! Too fuckin funny... I'll have to come back and check in on what other wacky stories you can tell!!

La Boom said...

Another great read my dear. Thank GOD I never went out with a guy named Rick...oh wait..damn

Arctic Skipper said...

I friend of mine sent me the link to your blog for a quick laugh/pick-me-up during a boring work day. Had I known you were this funny, I would have waited to read your blog until I was finished with my drink! Now I'm getting concerned looks from my co-workers, frightened looks from my clients and goofy looks from passers by. My computer is covered in sticky soda and I can't stop laughing! Your stories are great and exactly what I needed (minus the funky looks from others) to brighten my day!

BTW, you owe me a Diet Vanilla Coke! ;)

fl13grl said...

This is exactly what I needed today! Thank you for the giggles! Hope you have a lovely evening! ...t

Carolyn said...

Where did you say you grew up? I don't think I ever want to visit there. I'd be afraid to stop for gas for fear of getting crabs!

Anonymous said...

Good solid TX stories. The ROTC helped too. Thanks for the Funny stuff! Cheers, 'VJ'

Katya said...

i love reading you, you are so witty, you should really be doing a column in some swanky paper somewhere...

:0)

pat said...

lol Is this the same Josh from the ass-rash motorcycle trip? And who posts pictures of crabs?!? I mean -- seriously...