Sunday, November 06, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 6)

If you missed the first 5 tedious parts to this series, a short recap:

Half the folks in Blogtown have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I believe in angels," and "9 is my lucky number." But I know my readers; you people aren't interested in getting to know the real me, you're interested in getting to mock the real me. Feel free to mock me for the 100 Things Wrong With Me. I'm posting this list in installments, in an effort to keep the tidal wave of mockery from becoming a tsunami. Here's #51-60.

51. I get cranky when I'm hungry. At a certain point, it's in your best interest to get some food in me before I start busting caps.

52. I like to take scalding-hot showers. The only problem with this is that I'm then hot for about an hour afterward, a fact which is exacerbated by the time spent blow-drying my hair with super hot air. Although I spend most of my average day struggling to stay warm, this post-shower experience is my one time of the day to complain about being hot. It's hard for a girl to fix her hair and put on makeup while sweating like a construction worker, so I crank the air conditioner up to meat locker conditions. My poor husband, who, like most of the world, is chilly after a shower, shivers and turns blue while all this is going on. When he adjusts the temperature in an effort to ward off hypothermia, I notice the moment the cold air stops blasting out of the vent, and I sneak behind his back and make it cold again.

53. I don't know if I could make it 24 hours without making a small-penis joke about someone. I've tried, but I started to break out in hives after the first couple of hours.

54. I am one of those boring types who orders the same thing every time I go to a particular restaurant--as in, I have "my usual" I always order at Mi Cocina, and I have "my usual" I always order at Outback, etc. I rarely have the urge to deviate from my customary order. People whine about this, acting like I'm missing out on life or something if I don't eat something different every goddamn minute of the day, but I look at it this way: True, I may order the same thing every time I go to Outback, but I don't go to Outback that often, so it's still been a long time since I had that particular item, right? When I do deviate from custom, I am often sorry. I usually don't like what I end up getting, and my husband is forced to trade with me. Which, fortunately, is no big deal to him, because he'll eat fried camel hump if you put it in front of him.

55. I don't hesitate to call my husband at work to ask him the most retarded questions that could definitely wait until he gets home from work, or that I could figure out for myself with a little effort. The most frequent questions are along the lines of "The wireless internet is down. How do I fix it?" and "What's the fastest route to (insert area of town here)?" As irritating as this must surely be, he always takes my calls and is always patient and acts like it's totally acceptable for me to interrupt his busy work day for incredibly trivial things. I'm not sure if this is because he is a living testament to patience, or if it's because he's afraid if I'm not immediately tended to, I'll have some kind of psychotic meltdown and run naked and screaming through the city park, or possibly set our house on fire and skip town with the baby to join the circus.

56. I'm, shall we say, less than friendly on the phone at work. For instance, if I answer the phone and say "Can I help you," and the caller pauses for a split second before speaking, I hang up on them, swiftly and joyfully. I often see other people answer the phone and then repeat "Hello? Hello? Helloooooo?" as they patiently court the silence on the other end. With me, not only do you not get a second "hello," but you better speak fast, mister.

57. I cry at movies--and by that I mean practically ALL movies. I could probably find a spot in Anchorman to cry. I am embarrassed by this goofy behavior, and I go to great pains not to let whoever I'm with know that I'm crying. You know the tricks--I act like I'm scratching my eye as I'm wiping a tear away, then a second later when the next tear comes, I act like I'm messing with my hair. I'm not sure which is goofier--the fact that I cry or the fact that I work so hard at not being caught at it. Okay, I figured it out; it's the crying.

58. When it comes to problem-solving, I'm not one of those proud pioneer types who thinks, "I'm going to figure this out on my own and be a better person for it." My policy is "Why struggle figuring this out when I can call someone who already knows the answer?" This thought is almost always swiftly followed by a phone call to my husband at work.

59. I have no idea what a meme is. And I could look it up, yeah, but I'm not going to.

60. I have a Caesar salad list. I don't think this should be considered a Thing Wrong With Me, but every single person who hears about it disagrees, so I'll put it on the list. My terrible memory and my love of a good Caesar salad are constantly at odds. For many years, I would repeatedly relive the same scenario, in which I would sit at the table in any given restaurant debating whether to order the Caesar or the house salad. Was the Caesar too fishy at this restaurant? I'd had it in the past, but couldn't remember. I'd go ahead and order it, only to realize that indeed, it tasted like someone had thrown a live trout in a blender and poured it over the lettuce. Oh, the crushing disappointment of getting a bad Caesar when you could have instead ordered a perfectly decent house salad. So now I keep a running list in my purse of which restaurants have a good Caesar salad. It looks something like this:
Birraporetti's: Yes
Sardines: No
Outback: HELL NO
...and so on. Is this a crime? Can anyone explain to me why, each time I whip out my incredibly efficient and handy list, my dining companions begin to point at me and hoot with laughter? Am I too picky about salads? Is the act of list-making too anal-retentive? Or are my friends just gigantic assholes? One thing I do know: You'll all be frantically trying to call your old buddy Karla next time you're sitting in a restaurant trying to decide which salad to order, because you know I alone have been diligent enough to take copious notes on the issue. Will you be calling my asshole friends? No, you'll be calling me. And I will have the answer.

50 comments:

a fish on a bycicle said...

superb, I have the same problem with movies, and even soaps on tv, which is possibly another good reason (or at least a relief that) I live alone..

ps, what constitutes a 'good' caeser salad?

DeeJay said...

So are the Caesar dressings too vinegarie for you?

karla said...

Some of them are too fishy--you know, too much anchovy paste, I guess. First of all, anchovy paste sounds disgusting, but somehow in a good Caesar salad it's fine. But you can't get all nuts with the anchovy paste and just start pouring it in there by the 50 gallon drum.

Carolyn said...

I'm a total crier at movies too. But I've come to accept my cry-baby nature. My husband will automatically know when the tears will come, and always looks over at just the right time.

And like you, I'm like doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I'm hungry. I'll lash out at the slightest thing, but just get a little food in me, and I'm back to my lovable self!

neptunebaby said...

I love caesar salads too. Outback hasn't a clue how to make an edible one. As far as chain restaurants go.. Red Lobster makes a pretty good one.

Ivy the Goober said...

I am adding you to my "peed my pants reading this" sidebar. That is, unless you tell me not to!

CommonWombat said...

This may very well signal the end of our newborn friendship, but I quite like the caesar salad at outback.

There. Now I've said it and let the chips fall where they may.

CommonWombat said...

That being said, there is a place here in Baltimore that makes the WORST caesar salad I've ever had. There's nothing in it but lettuce, dressing and croutons, and yet the salad is GREASY. Greasy like they fried a pound of bologna in it and then removed the meat. Greasy like they put a dozen Big Macs in a strainer and poured the juice all over the salad. Under no circumstances should a SALAD ever give you the squirts for three days running.*

Put this on your list:
Mt. Vernon Stable in Baltimore: Sweet Jesus in a Lexus, NO!

*Except a taco salad. Which is not really a salad. I may blog about this one day.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

I too do not know what meme stands for???

Crazy MomCat said...

I think your Caesar list is a great idea! I gave up Caesar because I can't stand the fishy ones either and because of the calories. I think I need to have a "don't eat this here" list because, unless something is downright awful, I forget and order it again the next time we go out to eat, and then relive the boring dining experience I'd had months before. It sucks.

OH, and I'm SO there with you on the hot shower/hair drying problem. I'm exactly the same way. And, at night sometimes, I do that with a hot bath. It has to be so hot I can barely stand it and then I'm steaming and complaining about how hot I'm all night.

Amy said...

The 'meme' thing has eluded me as well. You are at least not alone, although we all just might be lame. I don't have a list of such items, but I am seriously now giving it some thought. Honestly, the secretary in our office knows what I like better than I do. she makes notes on all the menus as to what I 'usually' order!

FTS said...

They say the first step in recovery is becoming self-aware...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You need some new stuff. Calling your husband all the time is "the right thing to do," not the wrong thing. Husbands need to know they are needed, and you are making him feel plenty needed, so that feeds his ego, which is good to do. So, on those items, and on the salad, which is also correct, your list is a lot shorter than you thought.

Erasmus said...

Hey - I was reading #56, and I thought "Doesn't Karla work at a Suicide-Prevention Hotline?"...

tigger said...

Yeah, but if they call you and pause, you'll hang up! LOL I am SO the same way with the phone..if I actually answer it, which I usually don't. Hmmm...maybe that's why I don't have any friends....

nita said...

#55. i don't think that's unreasonable. i've pulled bear out of meetings to ask him if he's seen my:
-keys
-glasses
-favorite khaki pants

#60. if you forget your list you could just order both and make your husband eat the fishy caesar. or you could just ask him to keep the list so when you're out you can 'oh, i have to take this' and press 'send' to his office number and say 'chez pepe' and wait for HIM to check the master list....

trying to help :)

undercover celebrity said...

Hungry = cranky for me too. It wasn't two months into our relationship when Mark proclaimed that he was either going to have to start carrying snacks wherever we go, or we were going to have to break up. Lucky for me he was willing to keep a granola bar around.

Oh! I just have to say that your ceasar salad list is GENIUS! Pure genius!

john boy said...

Okay, I completely lost it when I read "before I start busting caps" while looking at your photo. And with the addition of each "wrong thing" I laughed even harder. I'm trying to imagine the scene at a restaurant, "You better bring me a good Caesar salad before I start busting caps." LOL

Thanks ;)

gina said...

You would be very entertaining to dine out with , i am sure.

Chili's has good Caesers, IMO. but i sleep with the manager so i am biased......lol.

Jessica said...

I, too, get REALLY cranky when I am hungry (Just put the donut down and back slowly away)! I also have my regular food selections at restaurants...Karla, this could be love.

melissa.in.london said...

Outback's Caeser is truly awful. I have to keep a mental list (haven't gotten around to writing it down) for me and my husband because we both are much the same way. All Caesers were NOT created equally...

Also, I am 100% guilty of ordering the same thing at the same place... I ALWAYS get the Yankee pot roast at Cheddars, and steak at Outback, and so on and so forth. Again, though, my husband too is guilty of this. He eats a lot of ham...

AnonymousCoworker said...

RE: the meme thing. You know how your 100 things starts with "Half the folks in blogtown have a 100 things list"?

Well, that's a meme.

Something that everybody does, that gets passed around from blogger to blogger.

Yoda said...

#55: It's probably a lot of both, Karla.

~Kurt

miss kendra said...

i have a "chicken marsala" list.

most places are a no.

Amanda said...

the movie thing, i am there with you sister...what is that about?! i have yet to find an effective disguise for the tears.

RitMeyer said...

No no no! I have a list too, but I have a good memory so it isn't an actual list. If I had a bad memory I would. A bad caesar salad has been known to ruin my day!

Sass said...

I love the ceaser salad list. Then again, i love lists. I could list the reason's I love lists so much but I will spare you just this once.

NA said...

lol.. I like 52.. only I am almost NEVER cold. I take hour long scalding hot showers.. but my place is probably almost never above 70 year round. And believe me.. a Michigan winter is DAMN cold at times. I only break out the winter jacket for "special" occasions.

Miss Noodle said...

Have a new game for you, Karla!

Pick a musician/artist and answer the followoing questions using ONLY song titles from the musician.


Artist/band:

Are you male or female:

Describe Yourself:

How do some people feel about you:

How do you feel about yourself:

Describe where you want to be:

Describe what you want to be:

Describe How you Live:

Describe how you love:

Share a few words of wisdom:

Check out leasepea or my recent post for examples.

Allarial said...

hehe...I love Caesar salad also, and although I haven't yet made a list, I think that would be very helpful!! Because, you're right, some places have fishy salad, or wierd cheese. I loves me some caesar salad when its done right!

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

I have a hot and sour soup list. Criteria for a good cuppa: 1. It must actually be spicy and 2. If it gives me the hiccups and makes my nose run, it's good stuff

RainStorm1212 said...

As usual Karla, you had me laughing my butt off!!! Did you ever think about publishing your, "100 Things Wrong With Me"? It would be on the best sellers list. ;-)

Arctic Skipper said...

There is only one temperature for a shower: wax-melting, egg-boiling, scalding hot. I want the mirror hot and steamy for at least an hour after I get out of the shower.

God invented boys so we could call and interrupt their busy work days to ask them excrutiatingly important questions like, 'who makes the Firebird?' (he sells cars) 'who's the quarterback for the Chargers?' and 'what did I do with my cell phone this morning?' Don't feel bad about doing this, it's only normal. Yes, I could look all these things up, but it's so much quicker and easier for me to call my boyfriend. Shorty does it to me, too, so he can't bitch.

You totally crack me up! I move that you extend the list to 200 Things Wrong With Me! ;)

Ariel1980 said...

I get a thrill out of hanging up on people....sometimes, after I've said "may I help you" and they start to tell me how, if it fails to hold my interest my baser instincts take hold, and "click" goes my finger on the disengage button. I never promised anyone anything. So sue me.

jane said...

I used to keep a "strawberry margarita" list. Then I changed to regular margaritas (occasionally adding a shot of Midori for fun). Now, I've realized that, though there may be some truly excellent margaritas out there, and some may just be so-so, there aren't really any terrible ones. Tequila? Good!

P.S. If you're even in Woodland Hills, California, go to Bob Burns' and order their Caesar. It's the place I learned to love them when I was a kid, and I still long for their perfect Caesar!

poo said...

K,

You have just doomed yourself to what I'm sure will be a not-entirely-sober exposition on memes the next time I see you.

I'll know why if you start avoiding me,
B

leesepea said...

ioI'm with you on 51 and 52.

Deranged Doctor said...

Haha, I have a friend just like you. I arrived breathlessly home at ten o'clock one evening and was greeted with an urgent message to go and see him at his workplace. When I arrived, it turned out he needed to know the French word for "contraction."

niQ said...

hey karla! i always enjoy your installments of this 100 thingies... the more i read, the more my face gets stuffed with air.

just an update too ~ changed my previous url, part of my blog overhaul... find me here now: www.monikikay.blogspot.com
thanks! looking forward to more of this list~

and i'm glad you liked the facelift, too. :)

Khali said...

I love the salad list. It sounds like something that would reside in my purse-book. ;)

Michelle said...

he's afraid if I'm not immediately tended to, I'll have some kind of psychotic meltdown and run naked and screaming through the city park, or possibly set our house on fire and skip town with the baby to join the circus.

this not only made me laugh out loud it also made one of those light bulbs go off over my head when I realized that this is probably exactly why my husband appears so patient and tolerant with me. nice...

ps - 40 comments? holy crap! I don't think I have a total of 40 comments on my whole blog :)

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Isn't that why we got married in the first place? Answering questions is their JOB. Along with opening jars.

Bunnzy said...

Your poor freezing husband... I hope you dont make your small penis jokes about him!

I am the same ordering the usual at restaurants. I'm a picky eater and almost never finish a full meal, so my fiance gets the pickings, which he doesnt mind one iota.

I think joining the circus would be fun

Shea said...

These are great, Karla....the extreme assertiveness and cranky when hungry must run in the family-Brandy is one of my best friends! =0)
Love your blog, I think I check at least once a day to see if you've updated it - you've inspired me to start my own!
Keep up the great blogs!!! =0)

a fish on a bycicle said...

anchovy paste!!

You really are a whizz Dunston, I mean I KNOW you're funny but that's hilarious.

It reminds me of great uncle Fred who came back from the war (he was stationed in Italy) with a jar of greasy black volcanic pebbles that the locals call "olives". My mum put them in a dish on the mantlepiece and everyone admired them (even though they were a bit smelly), and then one day uncle Fred popped one in his mouth and "ate" it.

We all fell about, he was a great practical joker - just like you.

Curator said...

"59. I have no idea what a meme is. And I could look it up, yeah, but I'm not going to."

Roger fucking that, those posts drive me nuts.

caprice said...

i even cry at commercials. my husband will walk in and think someone has died. really it is just the poor orphan on the campbells soup commercial. i used to blame it on my birth control. but then i realized that even when i was off for 6 months i still cried.

good job with the caesar salad!! i am going to try that. i am always disappointed when they have a lot of mayonaisse.

CommonWombat said...

HORRIBLE TERRIBLE CONFESSION TIME:

I was at an eatery that I have never been to last night, eyeing the menu, and I found myself seriously contemplating the caesar Salad with Chicken. And I started thinking about how a really good Caesar with chicken can totally hit the spot and how a bad one just puts a damper on your whole evening, and I was reluctant to order an untested and unknown caesar. I thought to myself: "Boy I wish I had one of those lists like KarlaDAMNINTDAMNITDAMNIT MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

So you were right. You're still a 'tard.

ianmack said...

yeah what's the deal with those really hot shower thing. my girlfriend is the same. she cranks it up and then stays warm like a hot water bottle for a while before losing it and then cranks up the heat in the apartment. i'm debating getting her electric long johns or something. it's probably cheaper then using the wall heaters.

pat said...

BAH! It feels so useless to comment cause there are already so many goddamn people, but I will anyway -- if anything just to inflate the already ginormous numerical statistic that is your comment count.

So anyway, as for the salad list, my roommate is just as anal about his lists. Do you by chance make lists about everything? If so, do you frequently make lists of one item? This is what baffles me about this kid, cause he even goes so far as to title them "Coleman's "whatever" list"... Truly pointless in my opinion...

Anywho -- still lovin' the top 100 list, Karla! ... and... I'm done. You may now continue to rock out with your bad self.