Friday, November 04, 2005

I was attacked by an internet predator--and lived to tell about it

Well, okay--I wasn't exactly attacked. And he's not exactly an internet predator. But wouldn't that have made for an interesting post? I almost wish I could have teetered on the brink of death just for a moment or two, to make the story more compelling.

As mentioned in a previous post, Common Wombat was in the Dallas area for a few days hunting down children and killing them doing some design work at a local mall. Obviously he's alienated himself from all the potential jobs in his own hometown, and has to travel far and wide for work now.

We were scheduled to meet at a restaurant at 7 PM--but God tried to intervene on my behalf and prevent me from attending this meeting by putting me in the midst of some crazy backed-up traffic, which made me, my husband and my friend Brooks (who were in the car with me) about 20 minutes late. My friend Vanessa got to the restaurant on time, and met up with Wombat first. He had mentioned in a recent post of his that he is sometimes the target of gay guys looking for love, so I told Vanessa to be on the lookout for a panicked fellow surrounded by a pack of gay dudes, but apparently our Dallas homosexual crowd is pickier than the Baltimore gays, because he was strolling along unmolested when Vanessa spotted him. By the time we arrived, Vanessa lay dead at Wombat's feet in a pool of blood the two were cheerfully engaged in conversation. Wombat was disheveled and fidgety, and had a swastika carved into his forehead turned out to be a nice, normal-looking fellow. I patted him down for axes, nunchucks, machetes, bayonetes, carving knives, pistols, dentist's drills, and bone saws, but found nothing. Assuming he must have keistered his weapon, I vowed to be wary anyway.

Over the course of the next three hours, Wombat tried to bite and strangle each of us repeatedly we had a lot of fun talking and eating. Seriously, the guy is demented in all the right ways, and fit in perfectly with our similarly demented group, as indicated by this photo. So in summary, I did survive! I was not killed, maimed, skinned, hobbled, burned, bitten, punched, poked, scratched or even given a flea dip. I can safely vouch for the relative harmlessness of the Wombat. He was funny, charming, pleasant and completely odorless. We loved him! It's just lucky for us that Baltimore and Dallas are so close together, so now we can hang out with him and his wife Sally on a regular basis. (Hmm...wait a minute. I might need consult a map before I swear to that.)

27 comments:

AnonymousCoworker said...

Did he show you his twin growing out of his back? I bet he didn't. He always mistreats Oscar like that.

DeeJay said...

I'm so glad it all worked out for you. :) Your blog is so fun to read.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

He's just buttering you up and making you THINK he's OK. He won't attack until about visit 4- that's how those predator guys work I hear.

cinefille said...

Glad to hear you made it through alive. I was getting worried.

CommonWombat said...

I would like to state for the record that that is a very bad picture of me. Usually I am far more bloated and retarded looking. And crying. Usually crying in pictures.

I would also like to state for the record (and I'll get bloggy about this myself in a little bit) that I had an absolute blast with Karla and her entourage (Karla and the Karlettes? The Karla Krowd?) and think they are all wonderful people... And by "wonderful" I mean "should maybe be in prison."

miss kendra said...

oscar writes me love letters when wombat is sleeping.

and when he's not watching you with the fiber optics he implanted during this visit.

Michele in Michigan said...

ROFLMAO--glad you guys had a blast! Y'all looked so cute in that pitcher :)

NA said...

Haha... Meeting internet people is SOOoooo much fun. I personally try to do it on a yearly basis.... ;)

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Thank god your safe!

nita said...

great. now what am I supposed to do with all the flyers I printed out?!

yay. bloggerly love :)

Just Some Gal said...

What a blast.

Glad you "should be in prison" folks and that crazy east coast wombat got to hang out! Even if divine intervention couldn'tstop this meshing of sick minds. ;-)

Seems as if you made it out alive and yeah, consult the map because the commute could really be a b!tch.

TSB said...

You just crack me up and I finally have taken a moment to read some of Wombats stuff, truly incredible gross drivel, exactly the kind of thing I need to read more of....LOL

Glad you had fun, you guys rock!!!

mrhaney said...

well i am glad you two finally met and you decided you like him. that sets our minds at ease. well at least a little bit.

Dave Morris said...

Glad to hear you had fun and are still ticking.

I'm headed to Dallas next week on business. Can you give me one GREAT restaurant I MUST visit while there? I haven't been to Dallas in 10 years.

CommonWombat said...

I'm just really sorry I didn't get the chance to eat Jake.

MEET!!! MEET Jake!!!

Um... Heh heh heh...

leesepea said...

You're right; he fits in perfectly!

tfg said...

You were not "killed, maimed, skinned, hobbled, burned, bitten, punched, poked, scratched or even given a flea dip?!?"

I have the same problem. I usually have to pay good money for that kind of thing.

kim said...

Group boog check!

Cute picture.

BTW- it's homeless thoughts here, accidentally deleted my blog -- started a new one -- DERP!

gina said...

TG you are OK!! i have been waiting on eggshells over here in SC.
Karla and the Karlettes!! BA HA HAHA

Curator said...

So much for your CD collection... nevertheless I think it's cool 2C bloggers get together.

I've done so a few times and it's a hoot.

Cheers.

Jessica said...

Well thank the baby Jesus...I can finally stop the vigil and just shred the last of these flyers I printed (approxiately 46,7833 - no big deal).

niQ said...

that is so great. and you two seemed to really hit it off!

tigger said...

Hmmm...no dentist drills, eh? I bet he even has a real home. Bummer.

Rude Cactus said...

Glad you're alive, well and had a good time. As for the travel, you seriously need to work on some sort of teleportation device. And if you figure it out, let me know!

Canadian Cousin Krista said...

Damn you made it back alive...... I mean, wow that's great, you made it back alive (ya ya, that's what I meant to say)

So, are there any other people from online that you intend on meeting, or can I officially destroy the thousands of copies of missing posters I had printed????

Aitch said...

Which one is he?

karla said...

The one on the left. The one that looks like he's about to kill us all with a rusty axe.