Wednesday, November 23, 2005

You assholes think you've cornered the market on thankfulness? I beg to differ.

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: It's that time of year for everyone to guilt-trip you into coming up with a list of things you're thankful for. I know you guys think I'm an ungrateful asshole who does nothing but spout off a bunch of sarcasm and ridicule, but it's just not true. I'm as grateful as the next guy, and I'll prove it to you by listing a couple of things I'm especially thankful for this holiday season.

I'm thankful I'm being invited to someone else's house for Thanksgiving, as opposed to having to host it at my house. Actually, I've never hosted a holiday meal at my house. No one would give thanks for the inedible crap I'd cook up if it were up to me to serve dinner. They might give thanks for still being alive after eating it; they might give thanks for Tums; they might give thanks for the fast food joints they'd be passing on the way home afterward, but they would not give thanks for the slop they'd be served at my table. So I'm doubly thankful--not only am I thankful to my kind and generous in-laws who are having me over to their house this year, but I'm also thankful for my God-given ability to somehow weasel a Thanksgiving meal out of friends and family every year. I consider that to be one of my most impressive skills.

I'm thankful that the house I'll be dining at on Thanksgiving this year isn't inhabited by people who think it's acceptable to serve ham on Thanksgiving instead of turkey. Do you realize there are people out there who try to pull this crap on their loved ones? Imagine this horror show:

You're invited to someone's house for a Thanksgiving feast. You look forward to it with great anticipation, prepared to enjoy good food and great company at this magical time of year. You get all dolled up in your holiday best and head over to the appointed house for the big meal. You take your place at the table, all smiles and good cheer--and then it happens. The commie pinko host trots out a platter of HAM! HAM!! You sit there, bewildered and in denial, thinking, "Okay, that's an odd side dish, but to each his own. I'll probably be too full from turkey to try the ham." And you remain frozen, starting to sweat now, expectant smile plastered on your face, waiting for the golden bird...that never arrives! Holy hell, this is like a bad movie! Now you're trapped here, unable to leave without appearing rude, but these assholes are the rude ones for tricking you into wasting a whole Thanksgiving listening to their insipid chit-chat in return for a few slices of ham! How would you feel if you were unlucky enough to be put through this hellish scenario?

Well, cheated, robbed, obviously. Suicidal, probably. Jaded, bitter, at the very least. Thankful? Ha. No one gives thanks for pork.

Along those same lines, I'm also thankful my in-laws are not the kind of swindling shysters who would stoop so low as to try to pawn off a slice of pecan pie on me, or worse, mincemeat pie, on Thanksgiving. No, these are good and decent people, the kind who do the right thing and serve pumpkin pie. With whipped cream. As God intended it to be.

So there you have it: Proof that you're not the only ones who are giving thanks this time of year. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat my in-laws out of house and home, and then spend the next few hours complaining that I've eaten too much. When that overly-full feeling starts to subside a bit, I'll eat some more.

And while I've obviously already committed myself to dinner at my in-laws house this year, I'm already accepting invitations for next year's Thanksgiving dinner. As long as you adhere to the rules regarding turkey, pumpkin pie, and the absence of ham, I'll be happy to consider your invitation.

32 comments:

Shea said...

You know, come to think of it, I was at my then-boyfriend's parent's house last year for an early Thanksgiving dinner. What was served? Crappy-ass-who-wants-to-eat-this-shit ham. With a side of shitty conversation. Guess I should have hitch-hiked home the 160 miles right then and there, huh?
At least I got a real dinner with my family on the real day. I can be thankful for that.
Speaking of, why don't you get on up here next year for Turkey Day, visit with relatives but come and eat at MY mom's house.....we'll invite Brandy, too.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karla, you come to my house for Thanksgiving, my darling. You can eat pumpkin pie off my bare chest...

tmz_99 said...

Not celebrating thanksgiving here I can't really vouch for turkey, other then slicked turkey breast being one of the best white meats avaiable.. :)

Happy THX giving.. :P

TSB said...

Please, please, please just tell me that the moron who served Ham is not a blood relative. I'd be afraid of passing on the recessive gene that might have caused that brain fart....

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Karla :)

Ivy the Goober said...

Hey, I'd invite you to my house, except that it would be just as you described a meal at YOUR house. So not gonna work. However, if you have Thanksgiving with me next year, you have to get up and do the Turkey Trot with us. Family tradition. Then we go to Black Eyed Pea for lunch so no one has to fight over doing the dishes ;)

Hillary said...

We've gooten pork at my grandparent's place the last few yers. I'd go for ham any day! ok, ok, yes, I know ham IS pork. I'm talking pork roast or soemthing. Actually it was some kind of roll. Roll-o-pork. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but not Thanksgiving. Of course, you'd be all over me if I told you MY Thanksgiving is in October, and I like it that way (it breaks up the days off). So I'm not going to tell you. So there!

Anyway, jsut a note to say Happy TURKEY day to you! Enjoy!

Deranged Doctor said...

I'm with Hillary. You can come to my house in October, and I'll come to yours in November. Of course, having seen the things you put in your pots on the stove, I'm not sure I trust whatever you'd make.

FTS said...

I don't eat ham when it ISN'T Thanksgiving, so why would I do so that day? I come for the bird. No bird, no FTS.

Have a great Thanksgiving! :)

Jen said...

I think I might cry if I got ham when I was expecting turkey. It just wouldn't be fair.

cinefille said...

I have had the ham thing happen to me before. It was my mother's idea to get a Virginia Ham instead of the typical turkey. It didn't work out and we ended up buying a last minute turkey and eating at 8PM instead of at noon.

anne arkham said...

There is nothing worse than ham on Thanksgiving.

Happy Turkey Day!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I will break it to you gently: When you mention a "commie pinko" you have to use his full title -- "left-wing radical pinko com-symp hippie freak."

Please don't make this mistake again. How do you think they brought Joe McCarthy down? He failed to over-do it.

CommonWombat said...

As you and I discussed, I do not share your irrational loathing of the pig. I am a friend to the swine... I feast gladly on our porky buddy with a smile on my face and little greasy bits of pig on my lips. Bacon, ribs, loin, chops... All make me go "Mmmmmmmm..."

Now, that being said, I am totally with you on the ham thing, because despite my love of the entire rest of the pig, I inexplicably hate hate HATE ham. Anyone who tries to serve me ham (on turkey-day or any other day for that matter) had better be prepared to have that ham inserted latterally in their rectum, with vigor.

Such is my hatred of ham.

Man, I came off sounding creepy there, didn't I? Damnit.

Stacie said...

LOL Karla! I'm with you on this one. It's just wrong to serve ham on turkey day. I mean it's called turkey day not ham day! Oh wait...it's Thanksgiving Day....Uh..I guess I'm thankful there's turkey instead of ham. Everybody knows ham is for Christmas anyway. I mean..geez. What do they serve on Christmas? Goose?? UGH! Happy Turkey I mean Thanksgiving! Stacie

Curator said...

Happy Thanxgiving 2U and your crew and eat a whole turkey leg yourself skinny bones.

Cheers.

tfg said...

Actually, a turkey sculpted out of Spam would be worse.

Lisa said...

So here's the thing: I've read about five of your entries now, and they've all made me laugh out loud. According to the formula I use to determine linkworthyness this means I am forced to put you up on my link page. And I have.

All good and well, you'll say, so what do you want? (Or in your case you might say "Well what the fuck do you want, asshole?", but the idea is the same). I am here to beg for an exchange, of course. So yeah. I'll be waiting by the phone.

Also, happy belated Thanksgiving. And ham?! Motherfucking ham?! No.

Kiki said...

LOL~ I'd have you over for any holiday because I'd be sure to be snorting milk out of my nose. (because you're so funny--get it?)
Happy Thanksgiving!

zazzafooky said...

I'm laughing too godamm hard at "commie pinko host!" HAHAHAHAH HEHEHEHE... to come up with a decent comment. I'll just say I completely agree, ham-bastards ought to be shot. Side dish maybe, but you can't forgo the bird dammit!"

Well done! :-)

Magnolia said...

Hah! you're kidding, I love people like you, the non baking, non crafty types who are brillant and funny and effortless.

It is only a shameful lack of "teh funny" that keeps me perpetuating the martha stewart mindset.

I'll tell you what, you give me lessons on how to be funny and witty, and I'll teach you how to cook.

Chief Slacker said...

Ham if for Christmas people. Get it straight! Some people are jsut in way to big of a hurry to start the Xmas season I think. One holiday at a time!!

mrtl said...

I'd be thrilled and very thankful to have ham. I love ham. I wish I could have a ham sandwich right now, on wheat bread with Miracle Whip and ketchup. And nacho cheese Doritos smooshed under the top slice. With a huge glass of milk on the side. That would make me really happy.

Pregnancy sucks sometimes.

Gerbera Daisy said...

Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

mrhaney said...

your post this time was extra funny for me karla because this year we did not have turkey. your right though about it not being the same. every one needs to have a turkey on thanksgiving. for some reason it seems like it is the only time of the year that we have turkey. i do not know why that is because i happen to like turkey better than chicken. i can cook chicken easier though.

tigger said...

What in the hell is mincemeat anyway?

karla said...

The mincemeat question has plagued me for a long time. The reason I refuse to eat it...even TRY it...is it has THE WORD "MEAT" IN THE TITLE! Is there meat in it? No one seems to know, even the people who cook them. My mother in law says she saw "suet" on the label once when she was pouring in a can of mincemeat to make a pie. Isn't that the stuff they feed pigs?

Jay said...

Your gratitude astounds me. Ham would be a let down I suppose, but I wouldn't know - my grandmother routinely serves up no less than 5 kinds of meat, each with its own accompaniements. There is always mounds of food...and my family is like, 12 people at most.

wordgirl said...

Uh-oh....

My mother served a spiral ham on Thursday. I feel so....dirty.

john boy said...

Oh lordy! Karla, it's great to see your grateful and sincere side come out this holiday season. LOL

lil'bitty said...

Thanksgiving must have the turkey. Preferably fried in peanut oil and cajun spiced. MMMMMMMmmmm! Sweet tater casserole with pecans and marshmellows. MMMMMmmmmm!
To save you from the plague and render any hope of you ever eating a mincemest pie to sheds. Mince Meat Pie has a filling that includes pork, beef, suet (hardened beef fat -- and no they should not feed this to pigs), apples, raisins, sorghum (a sweet syrup), cranberries, sour cherries, and spices. Scottish mince pie is a savory dish made with ground beef, onion, and beef bouillon. All served in a flaky pie crust. . . . Not so tasty.

Sass said...

You can come over my house in Houston but there will be no and I mean no putting your son in pots and pans. Hate to burst your bubble but after a few drinks I might try to cook him.

chesneygirl said...

LMAO...your ham story exactly described what happened to me at MY in-laws on Thanksgiving day.
I could NOT believe it! I still have not recovered from it.

I never realized this really actually happened to people...until it happened to me.