Tuesday, November 01, 2005

This may be the last time you ever hear from me.

Yes, it's true: This may be the last post I ever write. In fact, I may not live through the week. No, I haven't been diagnosed with some kind of fast-acting cancer, and no, I'm not about to engage in any risky thrill-seeking behavior like skydiving or having unprotected sex with Tommy Lee. I am going to have a face-to-face meeting with someone I have thus far only met online.

You see, one of my favorite bloggers, Common Wombat, is going to be in the Dallas area later this week, and we've made plans to get together for dinner. Now, I know we've all heard stories about internet predators who pretend to be someone they're not, convincing some innocent rube to meet them for a "harmless" get-together...at which point the naive victim then gets raped, killed, and buried in a shallow grave in a wooded area. I could very well be the next statistic. True, I'm bringing along my husband and a few of my friends to this meeting--but are they any match for a bloodthirsty axe murderer? Only time will tell. And true--we're meeting up at a restaurant, not my house or a dark alley or abandoned field--but a crafty serial killer can find a way to satisfy his hunger for human flesh even in a crowded place. Will I be diced into bite-sized pieces, the parts divided up into gift baskets and mailed anonymously to local politicians? It's entirely possible. Will I be skinned alive, de-boned, and my nose be carried around in Wombat's pocket for good luck, as a reminder of his conquest? Perhaps. But it's a chance I have to take because...have you read his blog? That's some funny shit.

But I'm nothing if not a planner, so I've gone to the trouble to make some provisions in the event of my death and subsequent dismemberment. I've made a flyer that you guys can print out and distribute when and if I go missing.

Please print out as many of these as you can, and distribute them throughout your town. Call your local police department and tell them what you know. But don't send them to Wombat's site to try to gain information that would help in their investigation--they'll probably just end up giggling a lot and emailing the link to their friends instead of getting any real work done on solving my murder.

52 comments:

the Caitlinator said...

It's been nice knowing you, Karla. I'll always remember the good times.

Krista said...

Well Karla, you've really done it it this time! Thank goodness you're married - after all, I married the guy I met online! hmmmm, I thought my horror story would distract you from doing something like that! :P

miss kendra said...

i'm glad you took care of this for us. we're a lazy bunch.

but you only have two days to plan your "remembrance ceremony." i would say funeral, but with so few pieces, what would we bury?

Sunflowerfairy said...

Ah, to be a fly on the wall of that dinner. Just remember to sit upwind from him. ;)

Just Some Gal said...

*sigh*

Its been a good time reading your blog. Printed out the flyer...will hang them in Houston just in case he migrates with some body parts down here. Hopefully he won't take Jake to raise a minion?? The horrors!

Like sunflowerfairy said... sit upwind. You would probably much rather die of axe brutality than asphixiation!

Kiki said...

I have heard of this internet predator with a flatulence problem. Hopefully it isn't Mr. Commonwombat! We'll be waiting with the flyers.

RitMeyer said...

But if you are chopped up into peices how is this flyer going to help identify you? I am now making a flyer with you all chopped up missing your nose. See, I am not a heartless bitch like the lady at the store told me I was the other day.

Heather B. said...

I went to blogger happy hour with that same fear a few weeks ago, and I lived to tell the tale. I'm actually meeting another blogger today, because she wants me to babysit. She wants me-a blogger-to babysit her child. Thankfully she's normal and I'm normal, so no worries.
But if you don't come back, then it was nice knowing you and I've enjoyed the good times and the funny jake pictures.

FTS said...

I've met four bloggers and lived to tell about it. However, I'm making a not to avoid the Mi Cocina here in Dallas, just in case. Never know what they may be serving...

You think the one in Plano is safe...?

mrtl said...

Please be careful! I'd be apprehensive, too. I'm from Maryland, and I'm pretty darn sure there are no wombats there. He's obviously masking his true identity.

Crazy MomCat said...

You're very wise to have that done ahead of time.

I used to live in Plano and frequented Mi Cocina. YUUUM!

Hope you have a funny but safe internet friend meeting! I am sure you'll have lots of funny stuff to report afterward, so I'll have to check back for that!

H0kie Erin said...

I'm all for meeting online buddies (I met my husband in a chatroom). So obviously it worked out well for me. However, should you go missing, I may have to change my opinion.

anne arkham said...

I have met two of my internet friends in real life. They are both wonderful, and I'm glad I did.

Miladysa said...

Yep, been nice knowing you Karla.

(Take a gas mask :) )

Bonanza Jellybean said...

How could you be fearful after that lovely exchange I just read? THAT MAN IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to steal you away from your husband right there. :)

karla said...

Well, that just shows how naive I am. I never could tell the difference between love and intent to murder.

Maja said...

Good move, picking the photo for your missing poster in advance. Now you know it won't be one of those really bad or out of date ones.

La Boom said...

Oh how scary..do you think that Commonwombat will be safe meeting you? Mayhaps HE should make a poster.

CommonWombat said...

Well, now there's a paper trail. Thanks, Karla, for taking all the fun out of mass murder.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

IF you do get sliced and diced, cana I have part of your upper arms. I have seen pictures of them, and they are the prettiest I ever saw, so, of course, I would want to pickle them for future reference. Thank you, in advance,

Hoss.

Julie Galley said...

I got on a plane and traveled 1200 miles to meet an internet person. I think you will be fine...at least you won't have to worry about falling in love with him and then he lives that far. Good luck.

Dave Morris said...

Long. Live. Karla. In the internet in our hearts.

I hope you had a will. Or at least a pre-arranged funeral package.

PS - you and the wombat are in dire need of a co-written blog. I'm not sure I would read anything else.

leesepea said...

That picture is inaccurate!

When they ask us to identify your remains via your dental records, how will we recognize the records without your horribly bad teeth?

Face it, Karla. You're a goner.

tfg said...

"Waaaaah, I don't wan't to be killed with dull hand tools." "Boooohoooo, he's going to dissect me into Karlabits and have them for supper."

Cowgirl up, dammit. Sometimes you have to take one for the team.

bornfool said...

I'll go to the grocery store and post that on all the milk cartons.

Jessica said...

HAH!!!!

Never fear, Karla - if you do not return safely, we will bring this man to justice!

Rude Cactus said...

Good luck and godspeed.

Curator said...

When you get mutil8ed, can I have your CD collection? I'm still lacking a few Cure releases.

NINjoy!

Cheers.

Lyvvie said...

Well, I did meet my hubs on the internet, so they aren't all weirdo-knobbers but this fellow goes by the name of a rodent and that's never good.

If you are mamed and killed (like being mamed isn't bad enough) I just want to say how much I've enjoyed your babble and you'll be missed lots and lots.

kisskiss hughug

karla said...

Sorry Curator, but I hate The Cure. You're welcome to my CDs, but I hope you like Rob Zombie and Pantera.

Shannon (Sentimental) said...

Okay Girl that was hilarious! I hope you had a great meeting and everything was safe.

Frankie B said...

OMG Karla,
I'm new to this whole blogging thing and your blog has either scarred me for life against BloggerFolk or completely turned me into one of y'all. I'm not quite sure yet LOL.

On the brighter side I am a cop, I've made a copy of the flyer and if your posts dry up I'll know you've gone missing so I will not rest until justice is done (or my dunkin donuts regular starts getting cold)
then I'm afraid your on your own.

Carie said...

lol to funny...

Masked Mom said...

Dibs on the Metallica license plate!

karla in canada said...

Nov 2 no word from you, must print many posters!

eBill said...

I don't know Common Wombat well but from what I hear you have nothing to worry about ... he digs deep graves.

Leesa said...

This is hilarious. I've got my flyer printed out. :)

Curator said...

Metalhead.

Metallica's Binge & Purge box CD set would *definitely* work if it's in your repository.

Your alright.

Cheers.

pylorns said...

I used to think it was strange to meet fellow bloggers but I've since met a few. Even had "relations" with one of them.

Jessica said...

Karla???? You haven't posted so I handed out 500 of your flyers today.....are you still alive???

The suspence is killing me!

karla said...

Pay attention kiddies--the date on the flyer is Nov. 3. I'm still alive so far! We're meeting for dinner tonight at 7. So according to my calculations, I should be dead by 8:15.

Amanda said...

oh, man, now you've done it. who's going to get the kid after all this?

La Boom said...

His Auntie Boom

Tish said...

Okay, I can drive over with a two hour notice, so gimme the head's up and I'll be there to 'chaparone'. Don't mind me, I'm the one at the bar sucking down margaritas sans children. Oh, did he kidnap you? I was so involved in not being a MOM for three hours I didnt' notice you. What were we talking about???

Jessica said...

Okay...so I was a little over eager in my post...it's just that I fear for your safety. If you should get kilt, who would make me smile every morning?

Christi said...

I've got them hung everywhere. If you're somewhere in Columbia, SC, you'll be found soon enough.

You are gone, right? I've looked at his blog, and he looks like quite the shifty fellow.

karla in canada said...

Ok so I was quick to jump when I saw no further post from our beloved Karla. However, being her cousin, I fear for her safety. She is the closest thing I have to a sister...no wait a minute... I have 5 sisters already, ok she is my favorite cousin at any rate :-) How can you not love her?? I mean she makes the greatest looking kids! My only wish is that she survives her dinner and brings her lovely little family back to Canada for a visit (I really just want to see the baby)

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

I want the Rob Zombie CDs!

mrhaney said...

some times you crack me up karla. you should be o.k. if not we have your blog to show to the police.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Karla is gone, and the Wombat's trunk stinks.

Though that just may be because he has dirty diaper fetish and he likes to keep them close at hand when he needs a "rub a dirty diaper all over my body" fix.

gina said...

alright.....i am getting nervous. you better post soon!!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I guess she's gone, folks. Probably find her about the same time they find Jimmy Hoffa or Judge Crater.