Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dear Jackass, Volume 5

Dear asshole who lets your dog crap in my yard:

Are you high? You must be, to think it's acceptable behavior to trot your ratty-ass mutt around the neighborhood on a leash, pausing patiently and admiring the scenery while your dumb dog giddily craps in your neighbors' yards. It's not like you're on vacation in some country you know you'll never visit again; you live here! What cajones you have, to casually deposit fecal matter on my property as if you were dropping off a handful of daisies, and then continue to saunter past my yard-turned-toilet day after day, without a hint of shame, as if you didn't just recently leave a steaming pile of crap in my yard a few days before! In my fantasies, I am the kind of person who repays you by saving up my own dog's crap for a month in a big plastic bag, and then dumps it on the hood of your car. (Sadly, in reality I am merely the kind of person who gripes about you on my blog--which you will never, ever read.)

Dear fitting room attendant at Academy Sports:

I'm sorry, did I interrupt something? Because when I approached the dressing room with some clothes I wanted to try on, you acted like I had showed up uninvited at your home and asked to try them on in your bedroom. I promise, if you're mistaking me for the person who peed on your pillowcase last week, it wasn't me. If you think you saw my number on your boyfriend's cell phone caller ID the other day, that wasn't me, either. So whatever grudge you're holding against me, real or imagined, what do you say we bury the hatchet, at least until after I finish trying on a few pairs of shorts and a couple tank tops?

Dear goofball in the bathroom stall next to me who talks on your cell phone while peeing:

Okay, I get it: You're not uptight. Your feel your natural bodily functions are nothing to be ashamed of; fine. But really--you don't see anything trashy about entering a public restroom while talking on your cell phone, then going into a stall, peeing, flushing, and leaving the bathroom, all while continuing to yap loudly and excitedly to your girlfriend on the other end of the phone? Only two possibilities exist here: Either you were raised in a bus terminal, or you're the head of no less than 7 of the largest corporations in the world, and simply don't have time to do drop everything to go to the bathroom. Judging from the sheer stupidity of the conversation I was forced to bear witness to, I'm guessing the it's not the latter of the two.

23 comments:

Spanky said...

Karla,
My first visit to your blog--OMG you are FUNNY! And so spot on with your observations I'll be reading :)

Stacie said...

Oh yeah that cell phone thing...I was in the stall on the other side of her! UGH! I hate cell phones! Stacie

Christi said...

I love those people who talk on the phone in the bathroom! It makes me less self-conscious about the fact that they can hear me peeing!

Jon Deal said...

I swear every time one of the neighbors dogs "visits" our flower beds that I'm go out and buy a pellet gun and when the pooch begins to do her duty (or should that be doody?), I'll let fly with a hail of pellets.

I, too, just wish I were the kind of person who would walk up to the owner, plastic bag in hand and say, "Here, you can use this. I think you forgot to bring one this trip."

psquared said...

Spoiled milk down the intake for the a/c will make him really regret being your neighbor. It gets worse as time goes on and is really hard to remove. I suggest letting the milk sit in the back of your fridge for about two months if you can.

Hey – Happy Thanksgiving by the way. I hope you have a great time with the family. Be good to yourself.

p2

Ivy the Goober said...

Bet cell phone potty girl didn't even wash her hands! Hmmmpph!

melissa.in.london said...

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So THAT'S why you wanted to rent the head-pooping cow!

heidi said...

Hey now, us high people do have common sense. Your neighbor is not high....or at least it's not an excuse. Thta person is just an Ass. And I think you might have been in the restroom with my aunt.

Kiki said...

You should write practical Dear Jackass letters on index cards and just pass them to these jackasses and walk away...quickly. That'd be great.

lil'bitty said...

Send a Christmas present to your idiot neighbor (you can do it ananymously if you want) with a bunch of those little pooper scooper bags in it. Maybe he will take the hint. If not you can put a rabid raccoon staked out in the yard so his dog will either stay away or pay for his stupidity. Just an idea, it is after all almost the season for giving and "brotherly love".

CommonWombat said...

A few weeks ago some dickhead let his dog take a grump along the side of my house, and then because he had no baggies (way to plan ahead, numbnuts) he picked up the dookie with a small SCRAP OF PAPER and tossed the whole thing into my empty trash can. Of course the dookie immediately rolled out of the tiny scrap of paper and proceeded to spread the brown love all over the bottom of my can...

Bad news for the dickhead: I saw the whole thing transpire and I am NOT the kind of person to let a drive-by turding like that go unanswered. So I gave him the what-for and made him clean out my trashcan.

I say get a supersoaker, get Brian to fill it with about a gallon of urin, and lie in wait for that dipshit to come by with his dog. Don't squirt the dog though... He doesn't know better. Just hose the owner.

CommonWombat said...

Yeah, I know how to spell URINE. I just don't know how to check my posts before I hit the "Submit" button. Grumble grumble...

speckledpup said...

it must be a thing today.
I had my list of stuff that I just couldn't handle anymore....

My boss' wife talks on the phone while using the restroom...all the time. everyday.
what is with that anyway?

thanks for the smiles.
You should check out Genuine's archives on what to do about dog dooty.

Shea said...

Ok, I vote for dumping the load of shit on his car. Or you could construct some sort of catapult thingy in your yard, load it up with the treasures previously left behind and as soon as the asshole shows himself.....start flinging.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I know a guy who talks in the bathroom stall constantly. Only he doesn't own a cell phone.

BTW Karla, I'm still madly in love with you...

It's Me, Maven... said...

Karla, if "I" were you, I'd have fun at the dog-crapper's expense. I think it would be worth the effort to make up some "discreet" little, laminated signs and post them near where you know the dog walker lets his dog craps and let the signs say something like:

"Smile, you and your crapping dog are being photographed. Tomorrow, I'll crap on YOUR lawn and see how you like it."

Sara said...

You are funny, I have the same jackass with the dogs!!

ocg said...

Seriously... what did we do to those at the fitting room “check in”… I am trying to purchase my clothes to keep you in a job… why? not quite sure.

Carmi said...

Hi Karla. You speak for the rest of us in so many ways and on so many levels. Thanks for doing it with a smile. Good on ya.

Gerbera Daisy said...

So many people use no etiquette while using their cell phones. Particularly while using a public restroom. I am like Ivy the Goober. I bet she didn't even wash her hands. EW GROSS!!!

tigger said...

You need a yard sign: NO SHITTING IN THIS YARD UNLESS YOU LIVE HERE!

As for the cell phone thing, it was probably me in the next stall. While I don't call people while in the can, if I am already in a conversation or someone calls, I will talk. Most of my friends understand. Friends that pee together stay together!

Melissa said...

I, personally, also am the type to bitch and moan online and remain content in my passive-aggressive tendencies in the real world. I say brava.

Leesa said...

Perfect! Love it!