Sunday, November 13, 2005

His bowels move in mysterious ways

It was one of those cute mother-son moments that you can only experience with a child still small enough to carry on your hip. I was parading Jake through the house pointing out different things to him. He was fresh from his bath and had that new-baby smell. I bounced him a little on my hip as I "beeped" the tune of La Bamba--come on, try it, it's fun. Instead of singing the lyrics--which no living human knows anyway--just sing "be be be beep be beep beep be be be beep beep" to the revoltingly cheerful tune of La Bamba. It may make you physically ill, but your baby will love it.

Jake was laughing and trying to grab at each thing we passed. We be-beeped into the kitchen, where I took a glass from the cabinet and was in the process of filling it with water from the refrigerator door water dispenser when I shifted Jake a bit on my hip to get a better grip on him. "Hmmm," I thought. "That's strange." My arm, the one supporting Jake's back, felt wet. How could that be? Any time a baby is found to be wet, it's a good bet that he's peed himself--but pee has a tendency to present itself on the baby's front, not on his back. That's when I was hit in the nose by a rolling wave of mystery-solving stench.

I hastily set down my water glass and took a gander at my son's back. What I found there cannot be described...but lucky for you, I'm handy with a digital camera. I galloped to the changing table and plopped my filthy progeny on the floor so that I could prep the area for the hell I was about to unleash upon removal of the diaper. Here's what the shameless little Pig Pen looked like.




How did he manage this? This is not the first time he has defied gravity and crapped upward, but each time it happens, I question the laws of the universe. To answer the most obvious question, no, I certainly did not hang him upside down from a shower curtain rod, nor did I tip his crib at an incline and put him to sleep head-down. In my house, we have a strict "upright baby" policy which dictates that we strive to keep him head-up and feet down, unless he's laying down. In that case, we tend to keep him level, with his head at approximately the same height as his feet. That's just the way we roll. At the time of The Incident, hereinafter referred to as The Crap Carnival, Jake was, in fact, standing upright in his Exersaucer, watching cartoons and blithely gnawing on a plastic fish. He looked quite normal, even innocent, and gave no hint that he was even then performing a modern-day miracle and crapping skyward.

If you're foolish enough to be asking yourself why I set the putrid little fellow on the floor instead of just putting him directly on the changing table, then you don't have an accurate idea of what I was contending with. While my changing table was no doubt specifically designed to handle a certain amount of poo, it was simply no match for the scene I knew was awaiting me in and around the general vicinity of that diaper. What I needed was one of those power hoses they use at the zoo to bathe the elephants, but I was forced to make do with the inadequate tools I had at my disposal. I deposited Filthy McBaby on the floor while I grabbed a towel to cover the changing table with, as well as several hundred baby wipes and a clean diaper. In hindsight, I should have taken a few quick swigs from a bottle of Wild Turkey as well, but that's a lesson learned. I'll spare you the details of the scene that unfolded next, but suffice it to say that I'm currently undergoing treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At the end of a grueling, protracted struggle, I came out the victor, having finally restored my son's derriere--and his back--to their formerly pristine condition. Here's proof that beneath the thick coating of feces, an actual human child existed:

In a completely unrelated matter, I have a onsie (size large), a pair of navy blue infant sweat pants (size 9-12 months), and a large green bath towel that I will generously give for free to anyone who wants them.

50 comments:

tfg said...

You need to get a handle on this poop management problem. If I were you, I'd install a valve with a pressure gauge on it. When the gauge reads 40 psi, convey the little poop machine to the neighbor's yard and crack the valve.

CommonWombat said...

Hmmm...

Photo of feces-drenched clothing: Disgusting.

Photo of feces-drenched clothing with a SMILING ADORABLE BABY FACE: Somehow sweet and precious.

God as my witness, I'll never figure this one out.

heidi said...

He is going to kill you when he grows up....or be VERY well behaved when his friends are over.

Thanks for stooping by my blogcrib! It's so nice to find more funny people. I'll be back!

Masked Mom said...

I couldn't help noticing the subtle smirky flipping off he's pulling in the first photo--he sure is a chip right off the ol' mama block, isn't he?

leesepea said...

The very FIRST time I held my best friend's baby, he blasted crap THROUGH his diaper, THROUGH his fleecy footed pajames, and THROUGH my very cute charcoal grey Old Navi capris and ONTO my freshly shaven thigh.

*Shudder*

I'm not sure what the hell was wrong with that kid. I mean, he was, like, a week old? It's not like she'd been feeding him burritos.

The day she had him baptized?

This kid was in shit vertigo. The entire BACK of his special, white satin suit, from, tip to tail, was soaked in poo. SOAKED. The car seat, the fancy socks, even the strands of hair at the nape of his neck were covered.

I think it was the first time in the history of this church that a child was baptized in blue corduroy overalls. I'm sure if my friend has any more gravity-devying kids, it won't be the last!

P.S. Damn, that kid is cute! Especially when he's squeaky clean!

Ivy the Goober said...

I can't help but notice that he seems very proud of his poopy backside :)
Certainly he'll give you many more photo ops

Crazy MomCat said...

My son did the upward poops as well. And, oh, the poop blow-outs we saw in those days! Not to be graphic, but I think it has to do with their little "nutsacks" keeping the poop in back. My daughter never has poops up her back!

On those rare occasions, I did the initial attempt with wipes and the changing table. In the end, I just put him in the bathtub and showered him down! Of course, then I had to lysol the hell out of the tub, but what else could I do?

karla said...

Fine. Then I'll simply remove the offending nutsack and everything will be as it should be.

Thanks for the tip.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

A guy named Guinness wants to talk to you. Something about records, or something...

The Management said...

It's "para bailar la bamba se necessito una poca de gracia," in case you were wondering.

Oh yeah, upward poop. I don't miss that. Now I'm going to get to experience it all over again! Would that those epidurals were longer-lasting, no?

Thanks for stopping by! --MT

Just Some Gal said...

Ahhh

Just a quick warning...

It doesn't stop after a certain age. It just gets more vile and disturbing!

lol

mrtl said...

I am not impressed. Bug had one when she was a tiny thing that made it all the way up to her neck.

Jake, keep working on it!

Krisco said...

Momcat and Karla,
No such luck. I have two girls and they have BOTH managed to poop up their back. Be warned Karla - if he's had two such events, he'll have more. : )

I blame the newfangled diapers these days. There's no give, and once the front fills, it's up the back with the rest. I'm sure cloth was way more disgusting, but I bet they didn't have this problem.

ben said...

thanks, karla. i should've stopped reading at the word 'bowels', but instead i choose to keep going while eating my supper. thanks a lot. i owe you. really.

Bunnzy said...

This is the BEST blog i have come across.

Don't you love his angel face when his smooth little buttocks are smeared with rancicity?

Hilarious.

Thank you for your comments on my blog, i think all men have been shamed by my fiances romantic antics!

Curator said...

I swear that kid loox *just like* you. I agree with a previous commentator, if he should ever read your posts l8r in life; your going 2B in the penalty box. :)

Cheers.

Gerbera Daisy said...

When this happened with my girls, I called an explosion. I would strip them down and plop them into the tub.

cesca said...

Oh dear, I'd forgotten all about "power poos" (what we call those things here). My son used to do them DAILY. My daughter only managed every other week or so.

I don't miss them at all!

Melissa said...

Hey, your Jack and my Iris (21 mos) should get together -- she's a master crap-up-her-backer. It's the damndest thing ... imagine their honeymoon!

Melissa said...

I meant "Jake" ... I'm so tired -- two kids and a day trip to visit my hubby's 90 year-old grandmother ... add to that the nasty lady who made grimacing faces at Iris. Had a problem with international adoption I take it. Based on the snippets of her commentary I heard, it's amazing I didn't start chucking food at her! Okay, must sleep ... kiss Sir Poopy Pants!

Amy said...

been there, done that. Still mystified myself.

kim said...

Random incidences happen. However, I noticed a trend with my children: more than one poop up the back in a week meant they were ready for the next size up diaper.

Here is how I think it works -- the diapers, they still fit on the baby fine, but they are snug enough to force the poop to go shooting up the butt crack.

The random incident, when you know the diaper size is fine -- perhaps the tabs were pulled a little more snug than usual? Plutonium laced baby food?

Whatever the case, I recommend adjusting a fresh diaper by pinching the diaper between the legs and pulling down (careful of the jewels inside of course) -- thus creating a poop pocket, ready to recieve.

A trick I was taught by a wise diaper changing expert and I now pass on to you. Best of luck, those were...trying to get the onsie off without giving the baby a poop shampoo...

Miladysa said...

I have said it before and I shall say it again, Unique! :)

WDKY said...

Ah yes... I so miss those days.

Errr, not.

Brian Gardner said...

Karla, your kid is not the only one that has the ability to defy gravity. Same thing happend to mine a few months ago!

DeeJay said...

LOL!! That's great!! I'm so glad that you won.

lil'bitty said...

Jake is good but I have him beat. Changing table to crib mid diaper change. The crib is 6 feet away from the changing table and poop was almost a foot higher in elevation than the changing table (sorry, no pictures available for verification purposes). Kind of a poop geyser every now and again.

miss kendra said...

that "curator" person either has seen you with an upward poop on your back, or has an active imagination.

either way, creepy.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Oooh mail them to me. I am in no way a pederast, scat-loving freak. But I know Common Wombat is. AND he needs a Christmas present.

JenL said...

My goodness, he's incredibly cute and how lucky that he will smile for the camera.

Ahh poop up the back. So not fun. Were you able to keep it out of his hair when you changed the onesie? Each time Bug gives the old poop up the back, I consider removing the onesie with scissors, but then I try to tempt fate.

Is it bad that once I saw the color, I tried to guess what he had been eating lately?

FTS said...

It's probably a good thing I didn't have kids. I don't think I could handle this much crap from anyone, even though the stuff that flows from people's mouths is almost as vile sometimes. LOL

Hope said...

He does seem very proud of his gravity-defying defecation, and I think he will also be very proud that you've posted this picture all over the internets when he gets big.

Jessica said...

He is such a happy baby, Karla...and so cute, I think I could eat him - poop and all!

Ariel1980 said...

The velocity of his peristalsis must be off the charts! I envy you his cuteness, but the poopiness, no ma'am!

Margo of Mystery and Mayhem said...

Does anyone else suspect that Commonwombat did kill Karla and is now posting for her in his own fecal-centric style?

Carbon said...

Maybe they should just make diapers go up a little higher in the back! I'm having the same issue with my newborn. It's annoying changing him so often :(

Shea said...

Note to self.....do not, repeat, DO NOT read Karla's blog while eating lunch....

Heather B. said...

How do they do that???? they're so little, but such big oddly placed poops. I don't get it.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Perhaps the funniest thing I've read today: [...] "That's when I was hit in the nose by a rolling wave of mystery-solving stench.

I hastily set down my water glass and took a gander at my son's back. What I found there cannot be described...but lucky for you, I'm handy with a digital camera." [...]

What I suspect happened was sudden onset, explosive liqui-shit. And things tend to take the path of least resistance, ergo it shoots UP like it's being extruded.

I like the toxic-olive green hues his shit assumed. Methinks one too many lentils??

PS: I hope you fabreezed your carpet!!!

Chox said...

Your kid is on the cutting edge of fashion. Crapping northward is the new black, especially if it's Linda Blair green. I do it on the bus all the time.

Okay, maybe not. But still. ;-)

RitMeyer said...

Wow, lots of poop in you life lately. I do believe I may not be able to handle young children. Hey do know if you can birth em' and give they away until they are potty trained?

Kiki said...

It's always good to enforce the upright baby policy. You know what they say--like father like son. Maybe...?

It's Me, Maven... said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
It's Me, Maven... said...

You'll have to copy and paste this into your browser (I can't figure out how to hyperlink it here for you):

I saw this and immediately thought of this post!

http://www.funny-ecards.com/cards/dance-mooning/
poo-poo.html

undercover celebrity said...

Consider my maternal desires squelched. ...for that matter, consider my lunch desires squelched.

Rude Cactus said...

Ahhh, yes. The gravity-defying diaper blowout. My daughter is relatively new but I'm already an old hand at these.

NA said...

LMFAO... Some images just aren't meant to be shown... or placed in my head!! I could have done without that one..
I think you just have the diaper wrapped on too tight... or the little bugger can crap his own body weight...

Michele in Michigan said...

I agree with derphangus--that was our experience here as well. Methinks if you go up a size, you won't have this problem until he outgrows THAT size :)

Yours in Poo,

rebcram said...

Hilarious! Just yesterday I posted a baby poop-related blog entry myself. Must be something in the air lately.

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

I'll never forget that day, seven and a half years ago, when my daughter was in the NICU, living in a little incubator. She had an incredibly wet diaper. I gently placed my arms through the holes of the Isolette and removed the soaking wet diaper. I lifted her little legs up to wipe her, when all at once...

It was the Fountain of Shit!

It was kind of like those fountains you see, with cherubs spitting water out their mouths, only it was my daughter spitting liquid shit out her ass. Splattered the walls of the Isolette. I actually shrieked and jumped away from the offending shitbox.

The nurses tried to clean it out, but they couldn't get rid of the smell, so the child got a new residence.

My ex-husband farted so badly once that he stunk us out of our bedroom, so it only seems fitting that his offspring shit herself out of her temporary home. :)