Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Karla, Poop Detective

My kid just went #2, and it was so incredibly foul-smelling that I told him I don't love him anymore. Seriously, this shouldn't even be called a #2, this was more like a #50. Whatever we fed him yesterday is now officially banned from our home until the end of time. In fact, I'm considering not feeding him anymore, period. See, I've made careful notes on this subject, and I've come to the conclusion that there seems to be a direct correlation between food going in and poop coming out. I'm no dummy.

I have never been one of those people who finds toilet humor all that humorous. I am mostly just embarrassed by the whole subject, and have probably never made reference to fecal matter more than a handful of times in my whole life, and probably always with a really prissy look on my face. Recently, that's changed. Once you have a baby, suddenly your whole life begins to revolve around the subject of poop. I am certain that my husband and I have never once had any discussion prior to Jake that made mention of doo-doo in any way, yet now we sit around discussing it daily, as if discussing the weather. In addition, I have become a Poop Detective, constantly on the sniff for signs of trouble. Sometimes the situation is so dire that it is instantly apparent that my services are needed; the smell hits you like a fecal fog. Other times, I have to pick the happily playing baby up and hoist him in the air as I wave my nose near his diaper, collecting olfactory evidence. At such moments, I have my suspicions, but I'm hoping against hope that my instincts are wrong. I'm sure it's something akin to how a homicide detective feels when he's looking for a body--he's looking for something that needs to be found, and if he finds it he'll feel some satisfaction that his job experience and his intelligence led him to his target--yet he can't help hoping he doesn't find anything, because what he's looking for is something no human would ever wish to contend with.

So naturally, I did my duty and fought the enemy that was lurking inside that war-torn diaper. As it stands, his derriere is clean enough to eat off of--if you're, uh, really, really hungry, and if you can come up with a reasonable explanation as to how food ended up there in the first place. All in all, his backside smells as fresh as a summer day. But I know it's only a matter of time before God will test my love for Jake again, and will smite us with a diaper so full and so foul that I will stand at the changing table and shake my fist at the sky, shouting like King Lear...or, uh, Denis Leary, for those of you who don't read Shakespeare.

Now I ask you: Who would ever guess that behind this sweet face lies an ass that's capable of such mayhem, such pure evil?

37 comments:

AnonymousCoworker said...

Aw lookit the little poopsmith, about to explode in his pants.

It's his semi-daily gift to you.

RitMeyer said...

Man, that sounds wonderful. I can't wait to be a parent. (right now I am calling to refill my birth control for the YEAR!)

lil'bitty said...

I would like to speak up on behalf of Jake. It is not his fault that he has smelly poop. It is one of the things that go along with being little. To misquote Big Bird, "It's not easy being little" (he said big). I too have smelly and sometimes leaky diapers every so often. I am also subjected to being held aloft and soundly sniffed for any hint of offending odor. . . not so fun and slightly embarrassing. It's amazing how much stink can come out of someone so small. Good job Jake!!!

Mrs. Alaska said...

OH my gosh Karla, he is getting so big. Please update your website with pictures. Since I have no kids it still seems like an interesting converstation to have... one day it might change for me..... and then again maybe not.
Love ya
BC

Masked Mom said...

The talking about it way too much thing--before the one we babysit was potty trained, his mom would call every evening (she worked second shift) for what we started calling (not to her face) the "poop report." She always wanted to know not only if he went, but how much, what color, the consistency, etc. My (then 10-year-old) daughter was so annoyed by the whole thing, she once drew a full-color, actual size picture of one of the poops and tried to get me to give it to the mom. Thank goodness we didn't have scented crayons...

miss kendra said...

who knows what darkness lurks in the asses of men?

JenL said...

Ahh, yes, the joy of baby poop. And it's true, I have discussed it with everyone. I'm glad that I had been warned that solids do strange things to Bug's output. I refer to it as toxic waste. And I have no doubt that after day three of carrots, things will be orange.

The pediatrician warned me about the strange effect bananas will have, but since Bug doesn't much like bananas it hasn't been an issue. Yet.

Hillary said...

All I can say is thank goodness they're too young to remember all that nastiness. It can't be nice sitting in a big cotton lined plastic baggie of poop. Blah!

La Boom said...

He really does take after his mommy. Love you long time.

Arctic Skipper said...

It doesn't get any better as they get older, either! I've lost count of the number of times I've been innocently strolling down the hallway and have been hit with a hideously appalling scent wafting from the bathroom. Naturally, I assume that something has crawled into our bathroom and died, so I rush into the offending room only to find my boyfriend's 6-year-old daughter sitting on the pot, grinning. And the magnitude of the poo is unbelievable! I can't understand how something that LONG comes out of someone so small!

Discussions on poo aren't something to be feared - embrace the poo!

Yes, I've had too much coffee . . . .

mrtl said...

Has he ever gotten poop in his hair? That's the worst, especially when wearing a onesie that can only be removed by further soiling the head.

ugh

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tfg said...

What are your hourly rates? Will you work on a contingency basis? This could be a lucrative sideline for you. In your spare time, you could hire out as a Loss Prevention Officer at the local sewage treatment facility.

Ivy the Goober said...

is this your first baby? you don't even smell it with the second. or even fight about whose turn it is to change the poopy diapers. ;)

leesepea said...

Does that make you a Pooper Snooper?

CommonWombat said...

From the time he was a baby, my nephew has retained the unsettling ability to not shit for like, a week and then release something from his rear end roughly the size and shape of a VW Bug. I kid you not.

I'm a pretty poop-friendly guy, but I take all of this as more evidence that children should be avoided at all costs. They may not be evil, but their heineys are definately up to no good.

I suppose you can take solace in the fact that one day (quite possibly very soon!) HE'LL be changing YOUR diapers. Ah, karma...

Wait... Karma... Karla... Huh.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

I think that my "Beast" could maybe give you a run for your money. Although, in my investigations, I have found that the really nasty, runny diapers have very little smell and end up being the biggest surprise, and the hard little rabbit turd type diapers pack a wallop of a punch in the stench department!

Jessica said...

Good Lord, he's CUTE!!

So cute, in fact, that I think you are telling lies on this poor, defenseless babe who has not yet developed the typing skills to retaliate.

Anonymous said...

Oh, we've been having a lot of those big stinky bombs lately. And it's always MY turn to change the diaper! He's adorable - the smelly ones always are.

Ally
allyo.typepad.com

HW said...

yeah, just wait until the onslaught of the "poop art" days. when he discovers that it's not only good for changing the color and texture of his diaper, it can also be used to decorate the nursery walls and his crib. and it's handy for a snack after all that work is done, too. hrmm-mm, finger-lickin' good.

Brian Gardner said...

Wait and smell it if your dear child ever gets the rotavirus. Obscenely foul smell. More like #99.

Heather B. said...

The other day the baby I was sitting for pooped and it ended up on his leg outside of his diaper. How does this happen? I don't get it. At least it wasn't one of those exploding poops that ended up all over his back.

Kiki said...

Maybe that's what you should have been for Halloween! Karla PD.

What did you end up being anyway? I think I already asked you this.

FTS said...

Wow, did I start something around the blogosphere with my Peeing in a Gay Bar post? Ivy had a pee post today, too, and so did Abby Normal.

The power of suggestion, indeed. ;)

Bonanza Jellybean said...

He's male. That's all there is to it. He;s trying to drag you down into the world of poo humor and fart jokes, and he's just using his cuteness as a weapon. :)

Alison said...

Yes, I agree - the rotovirus poop smell HAS to be the absolute WORST EVER!

Stacie said...

That is one cute little stinker! Stacie

Masked Mom said...

This pertains not to Jake (or any other variety) poop but to a previous subject--SPAM. I saw this in a local paper and thought of you:

"However, on the planned night of their honeymoon, Michael was in a Mexican bordello, standing guard with Jeff Anderton, Joe Wonderling and Vinnie Marinara, each holding a homemade weapon, from sharpened broomsticks to a pillow case filled with Spam ." (Emphasis mine.)

This is from an actual story in our actual local paper--I mean you can't make this stuff up--well, actually, YOU could, but I so couldn't. ;)

A local couple had planned their wedding in Cancun and were there when hurricane Wilma hit. C'mon-- defending a bordello with a pillow case full of Spam is WAY BETTER than having a normal wedding & honeymoon, right?

Shea said...

Just wait until he's old enough to start using the toilet and you find pee in places that you never, ever thought he'd be able to hit. They should really start teaching "Aiming 101: How To Hit The Water" for little boys in pre-school.

Oh, and Karla, thanks for that fabulous idea of telling my dad I took him up on his advice - I will SO be pulling that one on him when he comes up here for Christmas - I'll let you know what happens!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Listen, repeat after me: The dog did it, AND PUT IT IN THERE!! That child couldn't possibly cause you any difficulty. Just look at him. Nope, you got he wrong guy.

Lee said...

I sincerely hope you won't mind, but I'm going to name my band The Fecal Fog and I hope you won't come after us for royalties or any such thing.

It's an excellent descriptive phrase... both alliterative and dang nasty.

Maja said...

I have been obsessed with poo since I can remember! It's gross, but funny and a source of endless amusement for me.

I used to wipe people's bums and change nappies for a living.. it was great :)

mrhaney said...

i think if teens were forced to change some diapers in high school they would think long and hard about having a baby.

a fish on a bycicle said...

he has the look of an evil genius..."Dr Morifarty"

Amanda said...

well, i for one, think poop is funny. and so does jake apparently. in that picture, he looks like he is thinking...haha...i am making right now and there's nothing you can do about it, mommmy!
naturally, i loved this post.

lil'bitty said...

Poop is funny, I mean, it's called POOP people. That is funny. Unless it is on you, then not so much. If it is on someone else. . . funny.

Photo Phil said...

i wouldnt know, but arent babies the happiest right after giving you a nice warm present?

maybe it just seems that way...