Saturday, December 03, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 8)

If you missed the first 7 parts to this long-winded series, congratulations: You clearly have a life. Here's a short recap:

Many bloggers have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I'm a people person," and "I believe in love at first sight." However, I don't want to get to know you any more than you want to get to know me. So how about I just make a few self-deprecating statements about myself? It'll entertain us both. I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. I'm posting the list in installments, because seeing an entire 100-item list of my faults might drive me to suicide. Here's #71-80.

71. Even though it takes all the joy out of eating, I can't help reading the nutrition labels of everything I eat. For the most part it's a good thing, because it stops me from eating fattening things most of the time. But reading the nutrition info of certain products can be dangerous, too. Once, I bought a Haagen Daaz ice cream bar at a convenience store, saying to myself, "Don't read the label, just enjoy it. You can afford the calories." I almost made it, too. But then, as I was taking the last bite, I caved, and turned the box over to peek at the numbers. I almost went into cardiac arrest. I consider it a feat of modern science that they managed to cram that many calories and that much fat into that little bitty space. That was over ten years ago, and I've never eaten Haagen Daaz since.

72. I don't drink beer. I want to be "that girl," the supercool girl who drinks beer right alongside the men, and doesn't require the skills of a bartender to make some kind of fancy, frilly girly drink for me, but sadly, I can't drink beer. I tend to feel full after a just a little food or a little drink, and if I drink beer I can only have one or two before I feel like I need to go buy new pants. However, give me a gin martini with three olives and I'll...drink it and order another one. Then another. No new pants required. Unless, you know, I get drunk enough to pee myself. Or unless I wasn't wearing pants in the first place.

73. I don't ride roller coasters. I don't understand you goofballs who do. Is life so boring to you that you need to vomit on yourself while loop-de-looping at the speed of light in order to say you've had a good time? Fine, call me a sissy and a baby and whatever else you thrill seekers want to call me to justify your own death wish. I doubt I'll be laying on my deathbed someday thinking, "I wish I'd spent more time standing in long lines in 90 degree heat waiting to wedge myself onto a bench seat next to a fat guy with sno-cone syrup on his shirt so I could lose control of my bladder while careening upside down on a tiny track at 120 miles per hour."

74. I'm a fast eater. Often I will eat standing up, or while driving. I rarely make a whole plate of food, but instead grab something that I can eat out of my hand like a chimp. All this rushing while eating would give you the impression that I'm so incredibly busy and in demand that I can't afford the 5 minutes it would take to sit down and eat at a normal pace, but that's not the case. The truth is I'm usually rushing for no reason. I'll swallow my food in 3 bites like a Rottweiler, only to then stand around trying to figure out what to do next. I am one of those people who keeps busy constantly, so after inhaling my food I'm off to the next project, but the next project is never anything so pressing that I couldn't have sat down and had a normal meal like a respectable human; the next project is usually some aspect of house cleaning or other busywork. Because all the food I eat in a day has to be something that can fit in my hand, my diet consists pretty much exclusively of bananas, apples, cheese, nuts, fat free hot dogs, grilled chicken that I've cut into strips and bagged in Ziplocs, energy bars, carrots, beef jerky, Lean Pockets and canned tuna, which I eat straight out of the can.

75. I get June and July mixed up, as well as March and May. So if you tell me your birthday is July 24th, I will spend the entire month of June trying to figure out if I need to buy you a present this month or next. No matter how many times you tell me it's July, I will never be able to commit that to memory. Of course, I keep all birthdays and appointments and other important dates written in the calendar in my purse, but still, I find it maddening that I have that June/July, March/May mental block. Along those same lines, I also get meeting times mixed up by 30 minutes. So if you tell me we're meeting for dinner at 7:30 tonight, I will spend all day wondering, "Did he say 7 or 7:30?" I'll call you and confirm that it is, indeed, 7:30, and then later that day I'll be wandering through my house eating some crappy food out of my hand like a hobo, wondering, "Was it 7 or 7:30?"

76. I have to be entertained 24/7. Mostly this involves having something funny to listen to. I have an .mp3 of the Howard Stern show loaded onto my .mp3 player at all times, and I keep it in my purse so that if I am in the grocery store or standing in line somewhere, I can take it out and be entertained. I record, on cassette (what is this, 1981?), Loveline with Dr. Drew (and formerly Adam Carolla) so that I can play it on my home stereo while I'm taking a shower, fixing my hair, doing dishes, etc. I keep magazines in my car, books and magazines in my gym bag, TV shows and movies recorded on my Windows Media Center (kinda like TiVo, for the uninformed). I'm like a 3 year old with a red balloon. I have to have something to play with or I get antsy.

77. When Brian and I are going somewhere in his car, he's usually driving and I'm in the passenger seat. I find great big fun in putting my bare feet on the passenger-side windshield of his car while he tries to swat them away. I try to keep it interesting, and arrange my grimy footprints in a different way each time. You know, toes pointed inward for a knock-kneed look one day, heel-to-toe as if walking a tightrope the next day.

78. I drink pickle juice from the pickle jar. Or I pour it into a juice glass and drink it that way. I'm sure this isn't entirely unheard of, and I'm not the only person who does this. But I also buy these little packets of pickle-flavored salt for ten cents each. I buy big handfuls of them and keep a few in my purse at all times. For, you know, those times when you really just want to dump some pickle-flavored salt into your mouth.



79. I would make the world's worst teacher because I'm terrible at explaining things. It goes badly awry in one of two ways: Either I talk way over the person's head so that they have no idea what I'm trying to tell them, or I dumb it down so much that I insult their intelligence. And it's impossible for me to know which is the case and make an adjustment, because either way I find my pupil staring at me with a look on his or her face that seems to register either total bewilderment or perhaps fear. When I ask, "Does this make sense," they nod mutely. If you think I'm making this up, I'm not. I can't tell you how many times this scenario has played out. To make matters worse, I talk fast, so the person probably spends most our time together trying to figure out what language I'm speaking. All of this explains why I like blogging. Because, even though you're almost certainly sitting there right now with a look of bewilderment or perhaps fear on your face, at least I can't see it.

80. I know this makes me a bad mother, but I really want to get this baby t-shirt for my 10-month old son. The text may be hard to read in this pic, but it says, "Hung like a five year old."

Don't worry, I'm sure my husband wouldn't go for it. One of us has some sense, at least.

35 comments:

Jen said...

You are definitely insane, but in a good way. Very interesting post and at least one of these afflictions affect me, I am sure. Right?

Crazy MomCat said...

Ok, well, my birthday actually IS July 24, so I'll be looking for that card in June sometime. (wink)

And, I never even knew they MADE pickle salt packets. Veeery intereeesting...(grin)

Shea said...

Ok, so buy Jakey that shirt, I'll find one equally humorous for Austin, then we'll take our little ones to a local bar (before bed time, of course). We'll sit at a table near the door, right where everyone can see us. Each of us needs to have some big, huge, tropical drink and we'll order the boys root beer in the bottle and see how many "Oh, my god, those women have their kids in a bar drinking beer" looks we get. Might even get really fun if they call child protective services on us.....

miss kendra said...

i bought that shirt for my boyfriend.

just kidding. it was for my dad.


wrong. bad. bad. wrong.

CommonWombat said...

This should be items 71-80, not 80-90. Sheesh. If you can't even COUNT properly then it's definitely time to quit using meth.

This has been your blog-tervention.

karla said...

Goddamn, you mean I still have 20 more parts to this tedious f'ing series? You can't blame me for trying to hurry things along.

Noted, and corrected.

Asshole.

tigger said...

Hmmm...maybe I share your lack of teaching skills. The looks of bewilderment sound familiar. I feel a *little* guilty because I get paid to teach and all...

TSB said...

You crack me up over and over again. The problem is that when I am reading about you, I am laughing at myself. I too am in constatnt need of entertainment and when there is no one or nothing to entertain me around, I entertain myself. Thats when I usually get weird stares from people in the checkout lanes or in the doctors office. Oh well at least I can go home and grab some comfort food that I can eat standing up until I start my next project..... :)

wordgirl said...

Mmmmmm....pickles!

Jessica said...

First of all, Karla - even though my baby sister also love pickle juice, I don't know if I can forgive the fact that you will actually imbibe THAT but not beer. I will however give you credit for the martini consumption - that, dear, makes you appear cool and trendy.

Also, I love roller coasters and once took my family to Sandusky, OH - roller coaster mecca of the United States. My husband and I were far more thrilled to be there than my (then 12 year old) son and his friend. Yet another factoid about you that I very well may not be able to overlook.

Hmmmmm....do I really have to give "Karlababble" up?!

Wait - what's that tee shirt you want to get for your precious son say again??

Oh. My. Wow. Well, consider yourself back in my good graces, girl!!!!

tfg said...

I could see that t-shirt being very popular at your local Catholic church.

Wow. With only 13 little words, I just punched my ticket to Hell. I'm a sucker for efficiency.

Miss Noodle said...

I LOVE drinking pickle juice in addition to sprinkling salt on my pickles. But pickle-flavored salt??? I never knew such a thing existed! Karla you've changed my life!

karla said...

Noodle: There's a bar around here that serves pickle-flavored popcorn, too. So yummy!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karla my princess, as far as I'm concerned, you're perfect. In fact, I would like to lick pickle juice off your body while reciting a list of 100 things I love about you!!!

jules said...

LOVE the tee shirt. You definately need to get that one. Maybe if the hubby doesn't get it, you can offer to buy one for him in his size.

H0kie Erin said...

I drink pickle juice too. Yum! I didn't know about the pickle salt packets. Must get those for emergency pickle attacks. Have you tried pickle flavored potato chips? Not those Lay's ones, they're nasty.

Also, mild banana pepper juice is quite yummy. It's not hot, but sour. Mmmmmmm. Of course, The Hubby makes me brush me teeth afterwards...he just doesn't appreciate the fine tastes I have. :)

lysie6211 said...

OMG you are a nut!! And I mean that in the best way possible!

nita said...

Well, brilliant woman, I can make you feel better about #73...my cousin is married to a complete boring yet arrogant douchebag who designs rollercoasters for a living. I used to avoid them, now you couldn't get me on one at gunpoint!

j.dunaway said...

No beer huh? (Although I am more interested in the comment about not wearing pants.)

BTW, Karla, 3 days down, and we're still not sleeping together. What do I get if the 3 months go by and it still hasn't happened? :)

FTS said...

I'm amazed your dietary requirements include fat free and beef jerky in the same breath. And they actually make pickle-flavored salt...?

Kiki said...

I can't believe you don't drink beer! I have the same problem with the pants adjusting, but I just keep on truckin and it seems to go away or at least I don't notice anymore.

I love those funny baby shirts. When I have a kid, I'm so putting them in stuff like that. I don't care.

And the pickle thing is so gross. Ugh I hate pickles.

Leesa said...

Great list! I am the beer drinker and roller coaster rider though:)
Cute t-shirt.

Frankie B said...

76.
I too listen to Loveline with Dr. Drew (and formerly Adam Carolla) but it's on when I am working.When I'm on a call, I usually leave the patrol car running and never turn the stereo off or even down. One time I had it on Loveline and the seargent put a sexual assault victim in my car so she could get out of the cold weather. Damn if that wasn't the best of ideas.Lot's of 'splaining htat night...

78. I drink pickle juice from the pickle jar. Or I pour it into a juice glass and drink it that way. I'm sure this isn't entirely unheard of, and I'm not the only person who does this. But I also buy these little packets of pickle-flavored salt for ten cents each. I buy big handfuls of them and keep a few in my purse at all times. For, you know, those times when you really just want to dump some pickle-flavored salt into your mouth
I was with you right up to the salt, and I swear it's hereditary because I have to fight off my oldest daughter for the juice, I have been known to eat the last 6 pickles just so I can lay claim to the juice.

anne arkham said...

I can't drink beer, either. I'm not sure if that made my college experience better or worse than other people's, but drinking beer is something I've never been able to do.

Amanda said...

oh my gosh, so funny. i am so not a beer drinker either, and whenever i hear or see a girl drinking a beer with the boys, i am jealous. and the pickle juice...what?! i never heard of such a thing. but there was a nasty family rumor speading that my uncle ate the jelly from the gefilte fish jar. not sure if you are familiar with gefilte fish but this alleged practice is exceedingly gross.

love the shirt...you should check out my friend's site, she designs baby-wear. it's call uncommonly cute. there's one shirt that i love that says "word to big bird." heehee.

pylorns said...

Ha.. funny t-shirt.

Ok, be sure to vote for the 2005 weblog awards... and wetwired is up for best design!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am JUST LIKE YOU about the eating on the fly. But I have figured it out, for me anyway: I hate to waste the time. Eating is really not a lot of fun anymore, so I'd just as soon be doing something else. Something fun. Like reading your latest piece.

LovesDrew said...

And just how hot is that Dr, Drew anyway? I've had it for him way back when he was with Adam Carolla...he's a doll. I almost want to get hooked on something so he can come to me personally and cure me...with love.

I *heart* Drew

Anonymous said...

Isn't that pickle salt thing just for Hispanics?

Anonymous said...

Isn't that pickle salt thing just for Hispanics?

Mrs. Ca said...

I've been looking for something like that roller coaster come-back for years. I hate them and everyone always gives me a hard time aobut it. I just don't get them. If I really want to scare myself silly, I'll find another way than fast and upside down.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Where do you get pickle salt?

karla said...

Soapbox Superstar: In Texas they sell them at every convenience store. Usually sitting up at the register in a little box. They have the lemon flavored ones, too.

Sandra said...

OH god, I bet that pickle salt is awesome on french fries. My new mission in life is to get me some of that salt.

Jessica said...

I can't drink beer either for the same reason, but I discovered a solution. Drink British ale - it has no carbonation in it, so you won't get as bloated as with regular beer. Boddingtons and Kilkenny are great. I'm not sure how easy British ale is to get in Texas though. I'm in Canada, so they have it everywhere.