Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The new Karla in 2006

Okay kids, Christmas is over. That means it's time to stop goofing off and get busy making New Year's resolutions. This is a time-honored tradition which every living human is required to participate in. Everyone understands and follows the unspoken rules of New Year's Resolutions:

1) Set lofty goals for yourself that you have no reasonable expectation of ever accomplishing. Generally these are the exact same goals you've been setting for yourself every January 1st since you were 18 years old.

2) Spend the first two weeks of the new year pretending you're really working at these goals.

3) Give up entirely in week three, and sink into a depression in which you berate yourself for the next month or more for failing to achieve your New Year's resolutions yet again. By mid February, the cheer and general good will of the Christmas holiday has completely evaporated and you are now nearly suicidal and full of self-loathing. If your goal was to lose weight, you are now stuffing your entire face into fast food containers and potato chip bags to ease the depression of failure. If your goal was to stop smoking, you're now smoking three cigarettes at a time to distract you from the self-deprecating voice in your head. If your goal was to start going to the gym every day, you are now napping five times a day because in sleep you are able to forget for awhile that you are too unmotivated to go to the gym.

Well, I'm not falling for it this year. I mean, I'll definitely make New Year's resolutions, because it's a tradition. Without traditions our society would spiral into chaos, and eventually cannibalism would run rampant. But the difference is that this year I'm not going to set myself up for failure. I'm going to set goals I can actually achieve, so that I end up feeling good about myself all year long instead of wishing I were dead by April. To ensure victory, I'm also going to set up a reward system so that I can celebrate my successes along the way. This will be an added incentive beyond mere personal growth, which is the only reward people usually expect to get from accomplishing their resolutions. And personal growth is a lousy prize no matter how you slice it, so it's no wonder people give up before February.

And because you guys are a nosy bunch, I know you want to hear what my resolutions are.

Karla's New Year's Resolutions for 2006

1. I will not scale Mt. Fuji.

2. I will eat only edible food, and drink only potable water.

3. I will wear a bra when out in public. Usually my own.

4. I will speak English primarily.

5. I will do all I can do prevent flies from breeding in my car.

6. I will use the phrase "gutless swine" in a sentence at least once in 2006.

7. I will not kill anyone with a machete.

8. I will drink more in 2006. While everyone else is promising to drink less, I will take the path less traveled, and I will drink more.

9. I will not sleep with any dictators this year.

10. I will read great works of literature to sharpen my intellect and help develop my analytical thinking.

11. I will wipe front to back.

12. I will steadfastly refuse to participate in any plots to overthrow the government. And this year I mean it.

So there you have it: My New Year's resolutions, hereafter referred to as The List. At the end of each month in 2006, I will review my performance for that month. If I can honestly say that I have stayed on my chartered path and am still well on my way to the New Karla in 2006, I will reward myself with a handful of ecstasy tablets and a bottle of cheap 100 proof whiskey, which I will drink alone under the bleachers at the local high school on a weeknight. By the time 2007 rolls around, I'll be dead of liver disease, possibly following several arrests for public intoxication, but I'll have accomplished all my New Year's resolutions for 2006, which is more than most of you will be able to say.

And I call that a successful year.

43 comments:

miss kendra said...

i like those resolutions.

front to back is a really good one.

Ivy the Goober said...

Good luck. Sounds like some resolutions you can stick with way past Feb. perhaps until April?

mrtl said...

You are brilliant, mah woman!

at the Lake said...

Your blog is hilarious!I'll be back often to check your resolutions. Great list (except for the bra)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyckerson's New Year's Resolution:

1. To make sweet love to Karla!!!

CommonWombat said...

At last, after days and days of climbing, limbs quivering with exhaustion, she stood against the bracing wind and looked down from the summit of Fiji. The world stretched out before her like a cold blue quilt and she knew that this, this was the moment she had been waiting for her entire life. The final step in a decades-long quest to better herself. At last she was complete. Frozen tears clung to her cheeks as she raised her fists to the sky in a gesture of - OH FUCK! THE LIST!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE LIST!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

CommonWombat said...

Shit. You said "Fuji" and I wrote about "Fiji." God damnit...

Clinton P. Desveaux said...

I prefer Single Malt Scotch myself, great home you have here by the way.

TSB said...

Hey, I am making the same resolution, to start drinking more....drinking less hasn't helped, so I'm thinking that going for more might make a real difference in my life LOL.

Make sure to buy those wet wipes for the front to back thing :)

jules said...

The people who look at you daily will surely appreciate resolution #3....

Sass said...

You get the whiskey and i'll bring the Boone's Farm.

Your 06 resolutions sound like my 05 year minus the sleeping with a dictator. However, your plots to overthrow the goverment - ooh conspiracy theories aboud. I can't wait.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Wonderful resolutions! I'm with ya on the drinking more part!

TinaPoPo said...

I'm with Miss Kendra. More people should resolve to wipe front to back. UTI's are no one's friend, people.

jane said...

Setting the bar a bit high for the rest of us, aren't you?

Anonymous said...

I will see you New Year's eve. Can't wait!

Julie G.

FTS said...

I dunno. You may have some difficulty with one or two of those. Do you have a fallback plan? ;)

MetroDad said...

Ok...those have to be the fucking greatest resolutions I've ever heard. Especially wiping front to back. This was actually the topic of dinner conversation about a week ago. Can you believe 3 out of 10 people at the table wipe back to front? And one of them was a guy! Fucked up, yo!

Looking forward to reading the monthly updates. Good luck! And let me know if I can help!

Carolyn said...

Damn, you took my resolutions. Now I have to think of some new ones! :)

lil'bitty said...

I resolve to be weaned, speak with actual english words (if not complete sentences), crawl and then walk, and be well on my way to being potty trained by the close of business 2006. Oh, neither will I plot to overthrow the government, sleep with a dictator or kill anyone with a machete. (thanks for those) I will leave the scaling of Mount Fuji open for the whole learning to walk thing, hey, you gotta take those first steps someplace.

Arctic Skipper said...

That whole front to back thing is over-rated. (kidding, I'm kidding, I swear!)

Karla, I can't in good conscience let you drink alone; therefore, I'm joining you in resolving to drink more. I may pickle my liver and risk drinking Fred Meyer's liquor store out of wine, but I'll be there to support you. The shit I do for you people . . .

tigger said...

I resolve not to make any resolutions.

Rude Cactus said...

Your resolutions are fantastic. But I refuse, for the second year running, to make any. Just not gonna.

Jessica said...

No changing on us, Karla!

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Sounds like it is going to be a BANNER YEAR!

fl13grl said...

Best wishes for the resolutions!

Cheers to you!!(insert clinking martini glasses here)

Ian Kenney said...

My New Year's resolution? Read Karla more often. Funny stuff!!

Unless...you're serious. 8-o

Beeb said...

If you fall off the wagon with your resolutions I'll back you up when taking over the government.


(Can we start with the post office?)

Miladysa said...

Please, please, please no more reminders about the flies!!!!

Paul said...

I am TOTALLY NOT going to scale Mt. Fuji either, although I am going to eat at least three Fuji apples a week and use only Fujifilm for my 35mm camera.

So, you know, not all Fuji resolutions are bad or unattainable, FYI.

Sandra said...

Are you giving up ALL dictators or just the ruthless ones?

Some Random Girl said...

I love those resolutions! I especially like that you are going to wear your own bra and 11. 11 made me chuckle. Good list. I never do resolutions. why set myself up for imminent failure?

(I found you by way of Ellen....we are both queens! ;)

tmz_99 said...

Im sure that with coming advances in sharp stick technology over the next 12 months, at least some of your new years resolutions may become possible. I just hope they make them sharp and sticky.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

It will be plenty for me if you can just get cannibalism to run rampant. That would really be something to see....

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

What can I say... It would take me the hole year to write down my New Years resolutions, so....

Nah...

I just go with my old ones everybody already knows since abut 100 years back or so.

I'm lazy. No, it should say crazy - so everyone has to have indulgence with me. Problem solved.

Maja said...

I always forget to make new year resolutions, or, if I make them, I forget what they were. It's a win-win situation!

Christi said...

I'm totally with you on the wiping front to back thing...lofty goals, I tell ya!

Crazy MomCat said...

Your list is so inspiring, Karla. I really hope you can achieve your goals. I know it is hard to resist those dictators trying to seduce you at every corner and all. And, I don't know if I could handle the no machete rule...I have several candidates for full-body choppings in my life right now. (wink)

Best of luck with it, and just remember, if you don't succeed, you'll just be a miserable failure like the rest of us!

Ben said...

Atta gurl KB, finally resolutions worth carrying forward for... albeit I don't know about that bra wearing one.

Happy New Year KB and to your crew.

Cheers.

john boy said...

Happy New Year! I think.

Some Random Girl said...

Woh! I saw the name: Crazy Momcat and then I thought, Hey is crazy tomcat commenting on Karla's site....phew...I am relieved you don't know them! ;)

FTS said...

Have a safe and happy New Year's! :)

Carbon said...

Yes, front to back... VERY very important.

Happy New Year!

Croaker said...

Well if you do meet all your resolutions you'll at least be in your own bra, that has got to count for something.