Sunday, December 25, 2005

The true meaning of Christmas

Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts you get. It's supposed to be about the spirit of something-or-other, and family blah blah blah, and now that I think about it, I think some famous guy was born that day or something. So yeah, it's this magical time when people come together in love to share their joy and...some other stuff that sounds like it came straight out of a Hallmark card. And that's what it's about; that's all it's about.

But I got some really cool stuff this year! I got a Roomba, which hopefully will allow me to get drunk and eat ice cream with my bare hands while it does the vacuuming for me (because that is always what I'd rather be doing when I'm vacuuming). And I got Sirius satellite for my car and home, which hopefully will help me teach Jake all kinds of dirty words as we listen to Howard Stern together. And I got an iRiver .mp3 player to replace the one I lost a few months back, which will allow me to tune out the rest of the human population when I'm forced to be out among the heathens while shopping or working out at my gym. Plus I got gift certificates to several cool places, which will keep me from having to shoplift things I want, at least for awhile.

These things, of course, are just things. Not important at all, and not what Christmas is about. But they do help to make up for a few of the downsides of the holiday season:

Like candy canes. As candy goes, candy canes are at the very bottom of the barrel. They are not tasty, and barely qualify as candy at all. They're more like a breath mint than a treat. And yet all December long, every time I turn around I'm getting a candy cane shoved in my face along with a shout of "Merry Christmas!" There is nothing merry about these little striped mouthwash sticks.

And fruit cake. I know there are going to be a few of you freaks who disagree with me on the candy cane score, but not one among you has the nerve to pretend that fruit cake is edible, or that you don't promptly toss them in the trash when they are given to you. Know what fruit cake is good for? To take as a gag gift to a white elephant gift exchange, in the event that you can't get your hands on any chum.

And canned cranberry sauce. Adam Carolla claims the homemade stuff is good, although I've never once laid eyes on a homemade batch, since everyone in the world buys the canned stuff. And as I once told this crack junkie I sometimes fraternize with, cranberry sauce is disgusting and vile. What other food do you eat that's purple? And it's got that creepy jelly-like consistency, making it look like muppet phlegm. Somehow we as a society have been brainwashed into putting this crap on each and every holiday dinner table, all of us blithely ignoring the fact that it does, in fact, taste like can-shaped shit.

And poinsettas. These are the world's ugliest plants, and yet people hand them out cheerfully this time of year, smiling like they're giving you something worthwhile. I'd rather receive a can of cranberry muppet phlegm than one of those tacky neon red monstrosities.

And that, my friends, is why the gifts are important after all. I spend all month saying thank you for the candy canes I get shoved up my ass every hour on the hour by every person I come into contact with, pretending to admire the beauty of a lot of ugly red plants that look like they've been fertilized with nuclear waste, taking pains to discretely throw away the fruitcakes I'm given before they attract the cockroaches that are the only living things who enjoy eating them, and biting my tongue to refrain from speaking out against the cran-slime that is wiggled under my nose at the dinner table. The gifts make it all worthwhile.

And oh yeah, that family/love/religion stuff, too.

30 comments:

Gerbera Daisy said...

I am right there with ya sister on the fruit cake and the candy canes!!! HOPE YOU ALL HAD A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND WILL HAVE A HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Never been a candy cane fan myself either. Peppermint is my least favorite of all the mints in the mint family. Not to mention that they're awkward as hell to eat, especially the curvy part.

But having said that, I wouldn't mind hanging a candy cane from my schlong and letting you nibble on it, dear Karla!

Eileen the Jellomonster said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Okay, I'm going to try this again and not sound like some kind of dipshit.

The Muppet phlegm is disgusting. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner this year, and made fresh cranberry sauce/relish/non-phlegm stuff. It was pretty easy, just followed the directions on the Ocean Spray bag- cranberries, oranges, and sugar. People *raved* about this shit.

There is one fruitcake I'll eat- from the Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana. Just get on I-45 and head south. They have free samples, and ten-cent coffee or something like that.

Merry Christmas!
Eileen :)

miss kendra said...

i got a car accident for christmas.

TSB said...

I have always hated cranberry sauce until this year. I made my own from scratch and everyone loved it, I added raspberries and red grapes ...it rocked!!!

I hope you had a great Christmas Karla and best wishes for the New Year

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Miss Kendra,

That sucks! So sorry to hear about that. I had one for Valentine's Day 2004. Hope you're okay.

Kiki said...

LOL! Karla, where have you been all my life??? :)

I agree with you on all counts. I've never actually tried a fruit cake though. I imagine it to be horrid.

Carrie said...

Muppet phlegm! You are the most hilarious person I know. I agree with you on most counts. Why why why do they even make fruit cake?hh

Lee said...

I'm not saying this to be different, or special, or anything of the sort.

If anything it may be a cry for help.

I love fruit cake.

Merriest of Christmases and nice score on the loot to boot!

Beeb said...

I agree with you! (I also got an MP3 player and I got my husbend the Sirius radio for the Stern)... but I have a suggestion.

All that holiday "goodness" would look wonderful to the post office employee-- maybe these items should be given to them??

Beeb said...

riiight... husbend should be husband.


right?

Chief Slacker said...

My grandma made a great cranberry relish, hresh cranberries, some orange peel, and a few other things, Only stuff I've liked, and WAY WAY better then the muppet phlegm. yup ;O) Glad you had a good xmas :O)

jules said...

My children LOVE the Muppet Phlem, thank you very much. But you are dead on about the other Christmas trappings! Glad you got some good stuff this year. ;)

Leesa said...

I'm thinking a roomba would never last with my cats.
We got satellite radio in our car, it's very cool.
Love my ipod too...not sure what Iriver is..will have too look into it.
Merry (late) Christmas!

Stacie said...

I missed candy canes this year. Not a single one to be had! Hope your Christmas was a great one! Stacie

CommonWombat said...

"I spend all month saying thank you for the candy canes I get shoved up my ass.."

That may be the problem, Karla. You ARE aware those candy canes are meant to go in your MOUTH, right? If you've been putting them in your ass this whole time, I can hardly blame you for not liking them. They're like sugar fish-hooks. Yeeesh.

And for the record, I'm not a crack junkie. I can quit the crack ANYTIME.

tfg said...

You ungrateful sot: Think about the starving children of Mozangadu. They don't get any candy canes shoved up their asses at Christmas. And it's not just because they don't celebrate Christmas or have any food. It's also because they are too impoverished to afford asses. Bear that in mind, the next time you turn your nose up at a peppermint enema, missy.

karla said...

Good God, TFG, you bring up a great point. Instead of sending third-world countries food and money, we should be sending them our asses!

Masked Mom said...

Every spoonful of canned cranberry sauce everyone in the history of the world has ever choked down was worth it just to see the words "muppet phlegm" in print!

Lyvvie said...

I can and do eat canned, jellied cranberry sauce out of the tin with a spoon. i love that stuff!

Hope you all had a super Christmas! Jake's first!! Where'd the pictures already???

much love!

Lyvvie

tigger said...

Candy canes may taste like shit, but they have religious connotations that no one knows about. Totally agree with you about cranberry sauce from a can - it looks like Alpo for hospital patients. I DO know 2 whole people who actually EAT fruitcake! One of them is my dad, so that explains a lot. I think poinsettias are pretty, though, in small quantities. Freak. Oh, and Merry Christmas and Schizy Mentalkkahmas!

Anonymous Shannon said...

I'm wierd I guess. I like candy canes. My little girl does too. However, I do hate fruit cake! I don't care if it comes from Corsicana or anywhere else. That stuff is nasty!

melissa.in.london said...

I'm with you on the poinsettias.

But have you tried the Jelly Belly Jelly Bean flavored candy canes? The Very Cherry and Juicy Pear are FAR better than plain old peppermint!

Clinton P. Desveaux said...

Well, I would invite you over for Steak and Chicken on the grill for New Years, but you will be busy and I live in some rural corner of Nova Scotia...

lysie6211 said...

Fruitcake is nasty. I got one for Xmas and I'm saving it up and re-gifting it next year. hehe.

anne arkham said...

Oooh! I want a Roomba so bad but my dog will not allow it.

Miladysa said...

Candy canes and fruit cake - they can shove 'em :)

fl13grl said...

Glad you had a wonderful Holiday weekend! Hope you have a lovely week...Cheers to you and the New Year! ...t

Amanda said...

haha, i LOVE cranberry sauce, but will never look at it with the same eyes again. and will probably never be able to ingest it ever again, either. thanks. see number three on the list of five things that are weird about me...currently on view...

:)