Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Public toilets are useful for many things. Lunch isn't one of them.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a little creeped out by people who are way too comfortable with public nudity. One particular woman at my gym can often be seen lounging around in the locker room naked for ridiculously long periods of time. She's just not one of those people who gets out of the shower and changes into her clothes with any kind of sense of urgency. Rather, she ambles about completely nude, fixing her hair, applying her makeup, chatting up passersby, in no hurry to cover her parts.

Now, I have no problem with how Barebutt looks nude, although there are plenty of people I'd go to absolutely any length to avoid seeing in the buff. But she's a workout fiend--she's at that gym every single day, as far as I can tell--and she's in great shape, which is maybe why she's so happy being naked. Maybe she figures the locker room is her one place to showcase the fruits of her labor. I've often lamented that it seems like the people who are the most comfortable being naked in the locker room for the longest periods of time are the people you'd least want to see in the nude, so it's nice to know that, mixed in with all the visual punishment you're guaranteed to get in the locker room, there are a few sights that don't make you want to ram a ball point pen in your eye to blind yourself.

However, there are limits to what I can accept. Here's what went down recently in my locker room, in two separate incidents of Unforgivable Nudity.

On a day like any other, Barebutt was trotting around the locker room executing her usual list of 150 Things To Do While Naked In Public. The hair drying and the mascara application were expected, as were the 10 conversations she managed to strike up with everyone who got within earshot of her. Then came the lotion rub which covered every square inch of skin, twice. Then came lunchtime, apparently. She pulled an apple and a granola bar out of her bag and sat down on the bench, her well-socialized private parts presumably immune to whatever germs typically lurk on the surfaces of locker room benches, and proceeded to dine. Picture me, a foot and a half away, respectably clothed, staring slack-jawed at her like a mental patient, too stunned to unclench my fist from around my hairbrush.

Perhaps it's the fault of the gym itself. Maybe it's their duty to provide a lavish dining area so members can relax and have a proper post-workout meal, rather than having to scarf down granola bars while slouching naked on germy benches, surrounded by sweaty women in varying stages of hairy undress. I don't know. All I know is my brain can process "vagina" or "lunch," but not both at once. When those two concepts bump into each other in my brain, the whole system shuts down like VCR after a 2-year old shoves a peanut butter sandwich into the slot.

But last week Barebutt managed to use her excessive comfort level to kick my discomfort level's ass. She came racing into the locker room, clearly late for a workout class or some other engagement. She had her gym bag over her shoulder and a huge box of energy bars under her arm. Not one of those 5-bar packs, but more like a 15 or 20-bar pack. She charged into a bathroom stall, chirping away to no one in particular about how badly she needed to pee. I thought to myself as she passed, "Why haul all that stuff into the stall with you? There's no place to set it down." I usually put my towel and water bottle on the shelf by the sinks when I go into the stalls, because the idea of flushing the toilet anywhere within 50 feet of a bottle I'm apt to drink out of makes me want to cut out my tongue. After all, while my gym is very clean and nice, this is the same gym bathroom in which I once saw a cockroach the approximate size of my head cheerfully waving his antenae at me from the back of the toilet seat I had just risen from. So scarred was I by this incident that I ceased peeing on toilet seats for a month, instead catheterizing myself with a Ziploc freezer bag and some rubber tubing. (Okay, I made that last part up, but the rest of it, including the cockroach, is true.)

I was actually in the process of setting my water bottle and towel down by the sinks at the exact moment she buzzed past, since I was on my way to a bathroom stall as well. I thought she must just be so frazzled from running late that she'd forgotten she was carrying all that stuff with her, and therefore forgot to set it down by the sinks. But as I entered the stall next to her, the unthinkable happened: She sat down on the toilet, throwing the box of energy bars on the bathroom floor. Just as I busy reeling from the ick factor involved in putting anything on a public bathroom floor that you intend to pick back up--much less food--she tore into the box, ripping it open as she peed. She then proceeded to hastily unwrap a bar and begin eating it while peeing! Once her bladder was empty and the toilet was flushed, she exited the stall, still munching on what was left of the energy bar.

Am I a prude? Am I old fashioned? Am I too germphobic? Am I uptight? I would eat my own kneecap before I would consider bringing food into a public bathroom stall, much less noisily chowing down on it while urinating. And what ever happened to being afraid of the scorn of your peers? What kind of person wouldn't at least be embarrassed to be caught eating on a public toilet? What kind of world am I living in?? I mean, I know there are plenty of people out there who are exceedingly comfortable with their bodily functions, and occasionally I run across some whacko who's downright proud of them. But Barebutt is in a category by herself. I hope.

I go to the gym to stay thin, and I recommend it highly because it works. It works in two separate and distinct ways, one of which might surprise people: I burn a few calories during my workout, sure, but more importantly, I completely lose whatever appetite I've worked up in the locker room afterward. Try it yourself: Next time you're about to take a bite of a candy bar or a french fry, picture Barebutt eating food off the bathroom floor while urinating.

And no, she didn't wash her hands after she left the bathroom stall, either. And at that point, I have to admit, it did seem rather arbitrary.

57 comments:

jon deal said...

Maybe it's just because I'm a guy, but nothing you said about Barebutt really did anything to gross me out. Ont the contrary... :-) But we men are pretty much OK with most women lounging around in the nude. Making dinner in the nude. Nude gardening. Nekkid banjo playing. You name it, we are probably OK with it.

Though I also draw the line at consuming food or drink while on the toilet. That just doesn't fly.

AnonymousCoworker said...

I don't think you're a germaphobe. But I must say that you haven't lived until you've had a four couse meal while occupying a throne of porcelain.

miss kendra said...

nothing about handwashing is arbitrary! nothing!

and dammit, i was going to post about bathrooms today.

oh well, i probably will anyway.

Mari said...

Hey now, this is coming from a blogger who admits to drinking pickle juice from the bar?! Unspeakable behavior!

Mari said...

At the risk of seeming strange and spammer-ish, I need to clarify that I meant jar, not bar. Although, I hear Pickle Juice is as intoxicating as a Mojito and just as delicious.

Heather B. said...

I just threw up a little bit. Seriously. Just think of the germs and the hair and the god knows what else floating on that floor.

and ewww SHE DIDN'T WASH HER HANDS. Her hands that have been you know where. EWWWWW.

Just Some Gal said...

Ok...
So I just finished the best lunch ever and literally retched.

Holy F&^K... I am repulsed to no end and...

I think I'll stick to the track.

Katrina said...

We must go to the same gym... sadly I think I know this weird-o.

CommonWombat said...

I dunno, Karla... I love you like a monkey loves throwing feces, but I think I'm going to have to disagree with you here.

Firstly, While public-bathroom floors ARE undoubtedly disgusting, it's not like she slapped a birthday cake, icing side down, on the tile and then pulled out a fork and started chowing down. The bars were in a box, and within that box, the bars were wrapped, probably in some type of plasticky foil. Unless she stuck her hand in her ass before unwrapping the energy bar, I'm giving her the go-ahead to eat.

Secondly, maybe this is the "guy" response, but I'm of the opinion that after 30+ years of touching lavatory doorknobs and sitting on strange toilets, etc, if those germs haven't killed me yet, they probably ain't gonna. In fact, I have a pretty strong immune system, and maybe eatin' some germs along the way has helped.

Thirdly, my word verification word is "sblarvf," which is probably the noise that all of this talk causes you to make.

FTS said...

She wouldn't bother me if she was lounging or dining in the nude, but food and bathroom stalls don't mix.

Saw a guy I knew in the men's room one day, me entering and him coming from the urinals. He stuck his hand out to shake and I paused to consider he hadn't washed his hands. I passed, and also noted he exited without washing.

Some people have no couth.

Leesa said...

You're not alone, that was just plain icky to me. I imagine I would stay thin to if I watched this woman for too long.

Gerbera Daisy said...

EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!! GROSS! I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU ON EVERYTHING HERE!!! Barebutt is just a nasty woman!!! For starters, placing her bare ass on a bench in a public locker room just skeeves me. That would be as bad as sitting on a public toilet seat. Then to place anything on the floor of a public bathroom that would even come close to my mouth would NOT happen!!! I DO NOT think you are a prude, uptight or old fashioned. And I DO NOT think you are a germaphobic. I think you reflect the majority of people's feelings.

melissa.in.london said...

ughghghghghghghghgh (disgusted shiver).


that's it. that's all I can say.

Jenny G said...

No, you're absolutely right. All of that is nasty. I'm grossed out when the bottom of my pants legs accidentally touch the bathroom floor, and I don't put those in my mouth. Not usually anyway.

Crazy MomCat said...

That is f-ing sick! I was just grossed out by the thought of her sitting on the bench with her bare butt and female bits touching it. But, to EAT in a bathroom? This woman is crying out for attention for some reason and she's also crying out to get some horrible virus or something. I don't know how you didn't tell her right to her face that she was disgusting as hell! HA!

jane said...

Every time I start to think I'm a bit OCD for using a paper towel to open a bathroom door on my way out, I read something like this and think, "Hey, a little OCD never hurt anyone."

The handwashing thing just KILLS me. Ewwww...ewwww...EWWWWWW!

DeeJay said...

BAH!

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Oh, that's just gross. G-R-O-S-S.

The nudity itself doesn't bother me, but the fact that she is putting down germs from her ass and vagina, and picking up God-knows-what (other women's vagina and ass germs, perchance?)from the bench. And the whole toilet thing. And not washing her hands! Aaaaaack!

The one time I caught my darling seven-year-old daughter taking yogurt into *our own* bathroom so she could eat and pee, well, let's just say I put a stop to that shit right away.

BL said...

I am now really ill. I am watching a disturbing episode of Nip/Tuck and I can see the entire story you wrote in front of me. That is why I workout at my community club house instead of a gym... damn that is gross...

I will be in Texas this Sunday for a week... tell me which gym to skip please.

Eric said...

I work in an Emergency Department. We have a 6 inche rule. If you drop it and it's less than six inches from the floor.. it goes in the garbage. Since I work in the place I work... That didn't seem all that bad. Considering I have been pissed on, shit on, had blood splatter across my scrubs all in the name of a goddamn paycheck.

E

pat said...

I have to agree in saying that maybe guys just aren't as grossed out by this stuff... In fact, I frequently brush my teeth while peeing, and that isn't all that different from eating. Due to my lack of coordination though, I've got to be careful. Ever tried patting your head while rubbing your stomach? Well, lets just say that if that happened in this toothbrushing context, it might be catastrophic...

tfg said...

You have singlehandedly destroyed any naked woman + food fantasy that I have ever had. The next time I coax some lass into getting freaky with the chocolate syrup, I'm going to think of Barebutt. Now, what the hell am I going to do with the 55 gallons of jimmy sprinkles? Damn you, Karla.

Masked Mom said...

Thanks, sticking my holiday fast just become a whole lot easier...

Sara said...

Too funny, ewww though I'm a germaphobe too. How can she eat and pee at the same time? Talk about multi tasking! :)

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

ACK! I hate folks like that! She'd make a PERFECT bathroom attendant.

ducklet said...

there's only one way for me to try out this diet, and that's to dress up as a woman and hang out in your gym. if i don't lose A LOT of weight, i will be mighty sore with you, karlababble, no matter how spectacular you look in the fetal position.

Writer Mom said...

You had my support at naked vagina lunch on public bench.
My mind supplied the sound effect.
Thanks for that.
:)

Curator said...

It depends on the sorts actually. The plumber look with ass hanging out seems common these days.

It's more a matter of the individual in those cases.

Cheers.

Lisa said...

I don't know, I'm personally not too horrified with the thought of eating while sitting on the can, but only if you do it before wiping yourself. I find it far, far more disgusting that she didn't wash her hands afterwards. It could be that I'm weird. Actually, that's probably it.

Hey, you should watch that one Mythbusters episode where they test toothbrushes kept in all corners of the bathroom and house to see if it's true that toothbrushes close to toilets contain e-coli. The outcome would probably make you want to resort back to having an outhouse.

Amy said...

That was just repulsive! I can't even bring a cup of coffee into my own bathroom at home while fixing my hair in the morning...And to not wash her hands, not to mention the nakedness? Has she ever heard of manners?
That was hysterical though, I am enjoying your blog!

Eric said...

It's like that Seinfeld episode where George takes the book into the crapper at the bookstore, and after he's finished, the clerk makes him buy it because he was reading it while he took a dump.

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sarah said...

that's just downright nasty - echkk! you are not a germaphobe. what she did was up there with the top 10 grossest things ever!!

my biggest fear is that I'll be out somewhere - like a restaurant or something - and I'll have to feed my daughter (breast feed) and I'll be asked by mangagement to excuse myself and feed her in the restroom. and not some nice, carpeted, couch and powder-room restroom; a nasty, germy, moldy, cockroach ridden restroom! I have nightmares everytime I think about just exposing a bit of my breast and my child having to eat in such a place, let alone the insanity of being entirely nude and having a meal in such an unsanitary location!!

barebutt makes me barf.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

While I'm disturbed by the apparent lack of hygeine, my brain seems to be stuck on what level of stickiness comes form lotioning your ass and then sitting it down bare on a smooth surface. That would leave a print, wouldn't it?

And now I have another excuse to avoid the gym.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Touche! Check-mate! Uncle! You win! I thought it was disgusting for a co-worker to park her cheeks on the seat and chat on her cell phone. Dining while excreting? That's a whole new realm of wtf!

This also reminded me of a bit on a Seinfeld episode, "... you can catch gonorrhea on a tractor seat."

I wouldn't dare put my towel on a bench at a public gym, let alone scoot my cooter on one. Where is the naked vagina police when you need one?

It's Me, Maven... said...

Afterthought:

Perhaps the best way to deal with her is to buy a "travel pack" of Chlorox wipes, and when you see her get up off a bench that she snatchified, give it a good wipe in plain view of her.

Truly, sitting bareassed on a public bench has all of the appeal of "air hanky-ing" onto the handles of the sink. Mucous is mucous, and it is bad enough I have to deal with my own!

Just because you *CAN* sit around buck-assed-naked, does not mean that you *SHOULD*.

mergrl said...

ewww, ewww and more ewww

:0)

crazyvirgo said...

she must have been one of the girls in public high school that ate their lunch in the bathroom.

i'm with you. i can handle most naked activities. i used to enjoy the japanses bathhouse in san francisco when i lived there. but EATING. puhleeeease. you MUST say something. it's for the good of all ladies in the locker room.

i had a similiar incident at my gym where a woman thought that my peeling my sweat soaked cycling shorts off was utter profanity and i called her on it. seems it worked because now she's the one who's flopping around naked in sandles all over the locker room. honesty: THE BEST POILCY.

Sass said...

The best diet booster ever.

Mrs. Ca said...

I think I would have been totally squicked too. Ew. And, no, you're not a locker room prude. I would be weirded out by someone parading around naked too. I'm such a locker room prude that I change in one of the changing stalls my gym provides. I don't like being naked in public. Period.

Croaker said...

That is just nasty, eating while in the toilet. This woman has some definite attention issues.

nita said...

jee.zuz.christonapublictoilet!

that is sooo disturbing. i'll bet that one of the other gyms in the area hired her to be bizarre icky naked woman and inspire an exodus to another gym; any other gym.

look for one advertising: "WE HAVE 41 PRIVATE STALLS, WITH SELF CLEANING TOILETS, CLEAN-ROOM LIKE SURROUNDINGS, AND NO ONE EATS OFF THE FLOOR IN OUR LOCKERROOM"

you'll have your viral marketing genius....

honestly though? ick. next time she tries to talk to you tell her 'I only talk to naked MEN' and kick her in the, uh, the, uh, granola bar.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Made my way over from Armaedes, too funny about this lady-although eating on the toilet is just a bit much!

Stacie said...

OMG! I think I'm going to Ralf! EEEEWWW EEEWWWW EEEWWWW! She probably works as a freekin' chef in a five star restraunt too! UGH! I think I just threw up a little. But then, I AM a germaphobe! UGH! Stacie

Lee said...

Um... eww.

One of the few rules I stick to is that the toilet is where the food comes OUT.

You should put a sign up on the stall door:

"I don't pee in your cafeteria..."

gina said...

good lord woman! 45 comments? i am so proud of you!!
she must be proud of herself- yikes!! that would freak me out. thankfully no naked girls flaunting it at MY gym.
karla, what about brushing teeth and peeing? is that okay?

a fish on a bycicle said...

are you sure she just peed, she wasn't working on the "one in, one out" strategem?

Anonymous said...

I agree with you Karla, that is absolutely disgusting! It seems to me that many of the men don't think it's gross, but I have also noticed that men don't wash their hands nearly as much as women do, and their have even been surveys/polls proving this!

Jason said...

Well, up until the paragraph about her eating a bar while peeing, I was thinking maybe she is hard up looking to date another woman. Then after that paragraph I would have to conclude this lady has no tact (or class) whatsoever.

Anonymous City Girl said...

who the hell socialized that woman?!

karla said...

Gina: I couldn't brush my teeth while peeing, but for a different reason entirely. I'm too messy. I'd be covered in toothpaste by the time I made it back to the sink. Now, I suppose if I peed IN the sink, I could brush my teeth while peeing.

Hmm. That sounds like a real time-saver. Thanks for the idea.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'd rather picture YOU naked in the locker room, Karla dear...

Jessica said...

Karla, I was a certified personal trainer for five years and I can back you up on the fact that you see some odd things (and people) in gyms...esp. the people who are so dedictated to working out (like Barebutt sounds) - they tend to be eccentric, which I can take, there's no excuse, though, for being plain gross.

karla said...

Funny you should say that, Jessica--this woman IS a certified personal trainer at my gym. Which is what makes it worse, because she teaches some of the strength training and step classes I take, so I have to see her all the time.

Ashley said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. you are by FAR my favorite person to read. i think you just have better standards than this woman who clearly is not comfortable in any other place, save a locker room. if you became her friend, and let her come over and play board games with us and terri and jason and her new baby, i would pretty much create a web site for you. i dont know how, but thats why itd be such a big deal, because i would learn how just for you.

KinkyCatholicLawyer said...

Ugggg, that is gross.

And embarrassing for her.

I'm all for multi-tasking but..there are LIMITS!

Anonymous said...

What you described is exactly like a well-known TV news-anchor woman that is a member of the gym that I go to.

When she first enters the women's locker room she gets completely undressed and takes a long time to hang her things in her locker.

She then walks nude thru the locker room to the scale and weighs herself.

Then she goes back to her locker and puts on her swimsuit and goes for a swim.

As soon as she re-enters the locker room she takes off her swimsuit and hangs it on a hook near the shower room.

She then walks nude to her locker and she gets out her body wash and shampoo and walks nude to the (communal) shower room.

After she dries off after her shower she then walks naked with her hair drier over to the mirrors and dries her hair while standing there completely nude.

Then she walks back to her locker and gets out her makeup kit, then walks back to the mirrors and applys her makeup while still naked.

She too gets in many, many conversations with other women while she is totally nude. And if a woman or women approach her by her locker to talk or get an autograph or something, she will stand there totally nude the entire time.

I have seen her standing there totally nude talking for 20 minutes while she is holding her towell in her hand the whole time.

It doesn't bother me, I don't have a problem with seeing other women nude. But I have never been that comfortable being casually nude in the locker room for that long of a time period.