Thursday, December 22, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 9)

It seems like every blogger out there has a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul," and "I once broke my arm in two places." These are the kinds of facts that are probably interesting only to the blogger's mother and therapist. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. I'm posting the list in installments, on the assumption that the majority of my readers either have Attention Deficit Disorder or are chronically drunk. Here's 81-90.

81. When I brush my teeth, I get toothpaste everywhere. In my hair, on my feet, on the floor, even on my back sometimes. The problem is I try to multitask, and put things away or clean things up while I'm brushing. So the end result is that, yeah, I do manage to put away my comb, some makeup and two barrettes, but now my bathroom is coated floor to ceiling in foamy white slobber.

82. I hate winter. I would be happy if I never saw another snowflake again--which is weird because I'm originally from Alaska. We moved out of the state when I was 8 years old, which I'm really glad about because people who live in Alaska statistically have a 1 in 5 chance of dying by freezing into a solid block of ice while reaching into their mailboxes to check their mail. And to add insult to injury, those same people are often then eaten by polar bears during the next thaw. In fact, a recent ad campaign supports my claim: 83. I was a cheerleader in high school. If you knew me, you'd recognize the irony of this, since I'm hardly peppy and enthusiastic, nor particularly athletic. I didn't even look good in the skirt, because I had sad little stick legs and arms back then. And I don't even really like sports. I'm also not all that coordinated, or good at dancing. I think in most school these things are on the list of requirements for potential cheerleaders, but at my tiny-ass school I think the only requirement is that you be a warm-blooded mammal. Luckily for me, I was able to barely qualify on that score.

84. I love going to parties where there's a white elephant gift exchange--you know, the kind where you bring a gift without knowing who will receive it. People take turns at either picking a wrapped gift, or "stealing" one from someone who has already unwrapped one. There's nothing more fun than buying a random gift for a random person. Usually when you buy a gift for someone, you try hard to get them something they'll like--not so much because you want them to be happy or any of that do-gooder BS, but mostly because you know they'll mock you behind your back if you give them something they consider strange or undesirable. My mom once received a two-foot tall, pink and white carousel horse figurine as a gift, although nothing in her house or personality would lead you to believe she was a collector of huge, frightening carousel animals. This is the kind of gift that nets the giver a warm, "Thank you!" to his face, but many snide comments behind his back.

But the white elephant gift exchange is a thing of beauty. You can buy any bizarre, insane, useless thing that strikes your fancy without fear of repercussion. Gifts I have brought to such parties in the past include: A Spam snowglobe, a bag of shark chum, and a travel urinal. I consider this a Thing Wrong With Me because of the perverse glee I get from watching someone unwrap a package that they're surely hoping will be something decent, only to discover it's something no one would ever want, like a bag of chum.

85. Brian and I have an ongoing squabble over whether to leave the blinds in the house open or closed. He wants them open all the time, while I at least want them closed at night. I am perpetually convinced that someone could be looking in at any moment. This bothers me for at least three reasons: 1) The potential peeper might be aghast at the condition of my toy-littered house, 2) He might be scouting potential rape and/or murder victims, and decide I look puny enough to overpower, or 3) He might see me slobbing around the house in my Olive Garden boxer shorts and ratty striped tank top. I'm not sure whether I'm more afraid of being violated or being spotted in clothes that look like they should be in a Goodwill box, but Brian does not understand my paranoia. He considers this a Thing Wrong With Me. Maybe the reason he can't identify with me on this is that not only does he statistically stand less chance of being raped by an intruder, but he also doesn't have to worry about being seen in slob clothes because he doesn't have any. When he gets home from work, he simply leaves his work clothes on, including shoes and socks, until bedtime. Sometimes I'll look over at him, laying on the couch watching a movie in his tucked-in, button-down shirt, slacks, shoes and socks, and I'll think, "Holy cow that's weird." I assume he occasionally steals a glance at me laying on the other couch in my Metallica sweatpants from 1987 and my Eric Clapton t-shirt from 1990 and thinks, "Holy cow, that's weird."

86. I have no problem getting up and changing seats in a movie theater to avoid the screeching a-holes in the seats next to us. My polite husband thinks getting up mid-movie to switch seats is akin to causing a scene, and would rather sit there and basically miss the entire movie rather than quietly moving a few aisles away. Come to think of it, this sounds more like a Thing Wrong With My Husband than with me. Strike this one from the record.

87. I have a ridiculous number of shoes. I realize most girls have this same problem, but my shoes aren't even a collection of varying types of interesting and different styles. Most of them are black, and even the black ones don't vary all that much from one pair to the next. And in spite of a shoe collection that probably outnumbers that of Imelda Marcos, there are two pairs among them that I wear 98% of the time, while the rest just sit in my closet looking fabulous.

88. Sometimes I steal money out of my friends' purses to buy heroin. Okay, that one isn't true. Believe it or not, I'm starting to run out of Things Wrong With Me. Maybe I should let my husband write the rest of the list for me. (In which case, I might need to expand the list to 1000.)

89. I eat this on a regular basis:

And yes, it looks just like that every time. It's a veggie burger, and I purposely burn it beyond all recognition. I don't put it on a bun or anything like that, either. I eat it just like you see it in the picture. I don't even use a plate or a fork, I just hold that piece of char in my hand and munch on it like a hobo. Except I'm pretty sure no self-respecting hobo would eat that. All I can say in my defense is that I like char.

90. I have a collection of cigarette lighters, some of which are old and hard to find. I bought most of them in little antique shops, but some one eBay. The strange thing about this is that I don't smoke, and never have. I mean don't get me wrong, I can definitely see the appeal of smoking. What kind of person wouldn't want to put a burning object in his mouth and suck on it? Especially if it made his breath stink, made his clothes smell like they were scavenged from a house fire, turned his teeth yellow, and killed him slowly over time? Plus, it's a fun way to spend money, which everyone has lots of. But perhaps even stranger than someone who spends good money to stink, turn yellow and die is someone who collects cigarette lighters and doesn't smoke. It's just plain odd. Although I will say that a real smoker could never collect lighters, because other smokers would just steal them. Have you ever noticed that 90% of a smoker's energy is spent trying to steal the lighters of other smokers? Go to any bar on a Saturday night and you'll see a big crowd of sneaky lighter thieves; all of them stinking and turning yellow as they nervously eye each other's lighters, waiting for just the right moment to make a grab.

39 comments:

AnonymousCoworker said...

I steal the lighters so that I can sell them to non-smoking suckers on ebay.

Ivy the Goober said...

Man, I believed the one about the heroin. Shucks, I'd have lost THAT bet. On your number 6... I give the folks a dirty look. And if that doesn't shut them up, I tell them to shut up or move. Some punk kids told me to move and I said, YOU! GO! NOW, I didn't pay to listen to YOU during this movie. Of course it makes a difference that I'm not a petite little skinny cheerleader type ;)

undercover celebrity said...

I share you passion for char. I love my hot dogs BBQd to a crisp. I always get a funny look when I tell the BBQ-er that I want it black. Hmmm...

Just Some Gal said...

I like roasting marshmallows to a charred crisp...
I do admit I have that same paranoia about the blinds being open and the windows at night. I will go around even during the day if its just me and shut the blinds. I just feel like its a total invasion into my privacy. I'm a weirdo I know.

Great list and hey, nothing wrong with the natty Eric Clapton shirts!!

CommonWombat said...

Some things just taste better with a little char. This list includes: Hot dogs, hot dog-like items such as sausages, and... um... nothing else.

Absoulutely NOT included are: Yellow pucks of veggie-matter trying to impersonate meat, my fingers, and old people.

And just for the record, (because I know you're keeping a record) when people say "holy cow," I say "Jesus fuck that's weird."

Crazy Like A Fox said...

I've been lurking for a long time now and just wanted to let you know that I'm lurking at you.

I'm with blondie, burnt marshmallows are delicious. That's the only way I'll eat them.

mrtl said...

I love your white elephant ideas. Who would think of chum? Brilliance!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karla, my sweet, you are perfect in every way. Don't let anyone, including that deadbeat husband of yours, ever tell you different.

Now have my baby.

Crazy MomCat said...

At an old job, we did a white elephant every year. It was hilarious because the same can of "potted meat product" showed up for probably 4-5 years running.

Even more funny was when a really weird intern chose to wrap up a ziploc bag of his ugly red hair, which he'd just whacked off. This repulsed a lot of people, but I thought it as great. The company had very high turnover. So, a year or two later, someone decided to bring the red hair ziploc again for our white elephant. There were only 3-4 of us who got it at that time, and we laughed our f-ing asses off!

Ok, I just realized this is why it might be too frightening to do a list of things wrong with me...

jules said...

The veggie burger...ugh...I think that may be the ONE THING on this planet I wouldn't put in my mouth!
And being Ivy's sister, I can attest to her telling others to shut up. That's why I go to the movies with HER.

Dorothy said...

LOL, and you eat that? Looks like something I would cook...I'm known for burning down a kitchen or two. ;o)

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

I took an inflatable sheep to the last white elephant party I went to, earlier this month. You should've seen the look on the face of the girl who opened the gift. Heh.

CommonWombat said...

Does anyone ever take a white elephant to these parties?

Because, a) That would be so cool, and b) if you can wrap an actual elephant so that the person opening it is surprised, then you, my friend, are like a god to me.

Michelle said...

okay, #85 totally cracked me up because I can totally relate to the slobby clothes thing. I'm the one wearing sweatpants and an Alanis Morrisette t-shirt with paint splatter and holes in it and he is the one wearing khakis, a suit jacket and Madden's. my youngest daughter constantly comments that my clothes bring him down.

and my hubby's name is Brian and I was born in Alaska! but we moved when I was about a year old. if I wasn't so much older than you, I might suggest that we were separated at birth :)

leesepea said...

I look forward to these segments because it makes the innumerable things wrong with me seem less trivial.

P.S. I don't change seats.

I'm that rude bitch who will turn to the person whose kid is kicking the back of my seat and glare at them before I ask the kid - not the parent of the kid - to STOP kicking my fucking seat.

I will also ask someone to keep their comments to their self. This includes my mother, who likes to predict what will happen next and let everyone within earshot know about it. I've even caused people to move AWAY from me. Excuse the shit outta me, but if I'm laying down cash to see a movie, I expect to hear the dialogue coming from the SCREEN, not the person sitting three feet to my left.

melissa.in.london said...

I'm with Leesepea. Talking, kicking my seat, or holding a crying infant during a movie should all be offenses punishable by DEATH.

And, it never fails that if I get dressed before I brush my teeth, I will have to change my shirt, my pants, or my socks. I swear my clean clothes are a magnet for toothpaste.

niQ said...

oh, you know Imelda Marcos? i envy her shoe collection! thousands and thousands of pairs... all of it now in a museum.

Michele in Michigan said...

So let me get this straight: You like CHAR, but you don't like CHUM? What's WRONG with you?

Chum + scrambled eggs + refried beans alllll rolled up in a nice warm tortilla...... dem's some good eatin'!

Hehehehe

Merry Christmas, Karla.

Frankie B said...

Depending on my mood, its either got to be red rare or charred. I think I have 2 personalities LOL

BTW Karla, I know you have spilled the beans on most everything you do but I had to...

I am busting: Rain, TG, Revree, Karlababble and Lamb http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=18287170

kim said...

The blinds -- what about nose picking? It's nobody's business where you put em!

As for smoking, as an ex-smoker your description was like smoker porn to me -- I'm totally having a nic fit.

Carolyn said...

I'm so glad you're not a part of my husband's family's white elephant celebration that they have every Christmas eve. It's started to evolve into pretty much a standard gift exchange, but one family always brings the true while elephant gift. And I'm ultimately the one who gets it. I'd be horrified to get a bag of chum!

Carolyn said...

P.S. You made me laugh out loud with your use of the word hobo. Who knew that people used that I everyday language anymore? I'm going to have to work that into my vocabulary.

beeb said...

ok. i must have the rules for this elephant game because i've been making suggestions about doing something like this for the holiday but no one seems to know what i'm talking about.

i've had veggie burgers but they never looked like that. maybe i'm doing something wrong?? maybe i should get the recipe for that too. ;)

CommonWombat said...

I nearly forgot to mention that the Alaska posters are hilarious. Please tell me you made those.

Ten tell me you don't really eat that burnt airplane seat you pictured.

Some people go up on my esteem ladder, and some people go down, but you're the only person who jumps up and down the ladder 6 times in the same post.

CommonWombat said...

Please replace "Ten" in the post above with "Then."

Also please replace my picture with one of Lorenzo Lamas.

miss kendra said...

next year i'm giving a portable potty full of chum nestled in a box full of shorn hair.

and i hope to get lorenzo lamas.

FTS said...

I have never understood the black shoe thing. It's common to most estrogen-based life forms, though. I already have one pair of black shoes, so why would I need another until these are worn out?

I am SO with you on the smoking thing. Ugh!

Anonymous Shannon said...

I do number 81 too. It's annoying isn't it? :) Merry Christmas!

TSB said...

Imelda Marcos used to be my hero, but she has now been replaced by you. I loveeeeeee black shoes. I have too many to count and too many to wear but I try to get to all of them at least twice a year :) This is soooooo not a negative thing about you LOL

Shea said...

I'm kicking myself right now for not reading this earlier before the stores closed tonight on Christmas Eve. We're doing a white elephant exchange tomorrow, and those were some damn good ideas!!

And yes, where on earth did you get those Alaska posters? The last one killed me. Take note, Karla, if you ever come up here in the winter (don't think you will, but you never know) don't EVER go snow machining with my brother in Cantwell. Long story short, he's had to be rescued by Search & Rescue TWICE because he lost his way......jackass.

Leesa said...

This is great! I also have way too many pairs of black shoes.
I walk around the house while brushing my teeth, and I have a Sonicare, so even messier!
I love winter actually.
I also want to leave the blinds closed for the same reason you do..and I live in the mountains! All I can imagine is someone sitting out there watching me, knowing I live alone half the time! Slobbiness plays in there too since I never see anyone.

mrhaney said...

merry xmas karla to you and your family.

mrhaney

Carbon said...

What I don't get is why people hang out at home in their shoes???? Now THAT is weird. Take them off.... more comfy, less sweaty and keeps your house clean.

Just Some Gal said...

A Merry Christmas to you & yours Karla. I know it was great since it's the first with your little guy.

Deranged Doctor said...

Are those the Penny Arcade posters? (Or someone like them... I can't seem to find them anymore.) I know I've seen them before, but still - brilliant.

Brooks said...

Wombat,

Unfortunately K can't take credit for the Alaska ads. They were actually done by these guys:

www.penny-arcade.com

That's one of the webcomics that I occasionally bother Karla with even though she has never ever laughed at any of the web comics that I have ever sent her.

*lights a cigarette*

tigger said...

I share your glee in white elephant gifts! I usually regift horrid things that I have gotten from Christmases or birthdays past. I do the shoe thing, too. 87 pairs of shoes (mostly black and brown), 2 pairs worn daily. Blinds should definitely be closed at night. We have neighbors that leave theirs open and we can't help but look in as we take an evening stroll. I do not want to see you with your hair in curlers with your AC/DC shirt and Metallica boxers on, ok? The movie theater: you are NICE. I don't move - I turn around and say "Shut the fuck UP!" Unless I have my kid, in which I'll turn around and say "Please lower your voice. My child and I are having trouble hearing the feature presentation. Thank you and have a nice day."

Arctic Skipper said...

Really, it's not the cold and polar bears you have to worry about - it's having your igloo melt and being carried away by the mosquitos in the summer! Bastards are as big as freaking vultures . . . ;)

Some Random Girl said...

I always keep an eye on my lighter...."Don't gank my lighter" is one of my usual sayings when we are outside smoking the ganja!

I, also look weird when I lounge in my 1988 world tour Whitesnake t shirt. My husband hates it....My ex hated it and I'm pretty sure my first ex husband hated it....it lasted two relationships and it's working on it's third. I think it speaks to me and tells me to keep it around just to see how tolerant they are.....