Thursday, December 08, 2005

Dear Jackass, Volume 6


Dear Every Employee at Every Post Office I've Ever Been To:

Okay, I get it. It sucks to work at the post office. That's clearly the message you're trying to telegraph to every customer who patronizes your workplace. I'm unclear what's so bad about the job--from what I see, it's a lot like being a cashier in a grocery store. Not an incredibly fun job, but not backbreaking work, either--just a lot of "That'll be $54.68. Next customer in line, please." Maybe what makes you bitter is the stuff I can't see: Bad benefits? Long hours? Mandatory employee beatings before and after each shift? I don't know. But maybe it would be more constructive for you to voice your complaints to The Man instead of taking your frustration out on the line of average citizens just trying to send a birthday present to Aunt Pearl in Minnesota.

For one thing, it's not physically possible for you to move one bit slower as you go about doing your job. No one expects you to be huffing and puffing, sweating and exhausted from processing packages at light speed, but may I suggest you step it up just a tad, asshole? I can literally hear the scraping of your shoes as you drag your feet crossing the small area between the package window and your cash register. You move like mommy's calling you to come to the living room for a spanking. Now you appear to be straightening pens and idly shuffling through the stamps in the stamp drawer, emitting a long sigh for dramatic effect while I shift my heavy package on one hip and my infant on the other. The eyes of 15 people stare intently at you from the long line as you yawn and stretch and ask the employee next to you about her weekend. Finally, with another heavy sigh, you roll your sad Bassett Hound eyes toward an empty spot on the wall and mumble, to no one in particular, "Next," in the same tone of voice you might use if you were dictating your suicide note. Then, when I finally do have your attention, you act as if I showed up at your mother's funeral to ask a favor of you, instead of coming to your place of business to ask you to do something you're being paid to do.

Why are you so miserable? I'm the one who should be unhappy--I've never made it through a post office line in less than 25 minutes, no matter how many or few people are in the line. And I do take into account the busy times, and try to plan it so I get there when it's slow. But you're one step ahead of me, Angry, Passive-Aggressive Postal Worker, because while you stock the cash registers with a whopping two or three cashiers during the busy times, you reduce the number of cashiers down to one for the slow times. So despite my moment of joy as I park in a nearly empty post office parking lot, congratulating my genius and my sense of timing in managing to get there at the slowest possible time so I can get in an out of the line before my next birthday, I am quickly reduced to tears when I see that there's only one clinically depressed cashier at work inside, who seems to be deliberately taking 20 minutes to process each of the 4 people in line ahead of me, each of whom she treats like a retarded kid brother that Mommy forced her to take along with her to the movies with her friends.

What are the requirements for getting a job at the post office? Do you have to flunk out of Toll Booth school? Do you have to have failed the psychological profile at a minimum of four other jobs? Do you have to check Yes in the box on the application where it asks, "Do you hate all humans equally, living or deceased?"

If anyone reading this is a post office employee, incensed by my depiction of your brethren, and prepared to leave an indignant comment letting me know that you are a postal worker who loves his job and has great customer service skills, then my apologies to you. I will retract my statements if you will tell me which post office you work in, so that I may go there to mail my packages from now on, where I can presumably be waited on by someone who doesn't appear to be off her antidepressants. And yes, I'm in Texas and you may be in Ohio or New Mexico, but no matter; it's worth the drive. With each subsequent visit to the post office, I lose a bit of my will to live. At this rate, I'll have the personality of a postal worker by this time next year.

70 comments:

AnonymousCoworker said...

Hey! I flunked out of Tollbooth School, and I'd kill for a job at the post office.

Right now I'm a Monback man. I stand behind trucks and wave my arms saying, "'mon back. C'mon back."

miss kendra said...

the postman who delivers mail to my work says that all of this is true.

he's nice and so i believe him.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I absolutely thought the lines about flunking out of Toll Booth School and ...

[...] you roll your sad Bassett Hound eyes toward an empty spot on the wall and mumble, to no one in particular, "Next," in the same tone of voice you might use if you were dictating your suicide note.

they were perhaps the most inventive and clever things I've heard today:)

PS: I worked, albeit briefly for nine months, at a "REC" or Remote Encoding Site for the USPS, and if the individual post offices are managed as the coding sites are, it's no wonder the term "Going Postal" exists, since the flurry of folks snapping and picking off their co-workers with high powered rifles.

My deal is, if they (the workers) find it so miserable, FIND A DIFFERENT JOB!

Plain and simple. Trust me! It works!

To be an effective USPS worker, you have to be a drone, never question authority and Lordy Lordy! Do not let anyone know you have a functioning brain cell in your head.

Chief Slacker said...

Last time I was at the post office it freaked me out. Instead of the typical grumpy bastards, they were all cheery, and I mean creepy cheery. Stepford Wives cheery. I think they must have slipped drugs in their coffeee or something.

Shea said...

Karla, I think you're forgetting that the people who work at the Post Office are also the same people who found the Lost Luggage Counter too cheery of a place to work day after dreary day.

FTS said...

We must use the same Post office... 7502X? lol

gina said...

ours are so freaking friendly, but still slow as you said.... how are you mrs johnson? how did your hemmorhoid surgery go? when is your stepson getting married? and are you all okay with that? i heard her family is ya know ... a little..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH shut up and work, lady!!

Heather B. said...

or how about the lovely people who work for TSA? While I won't go around bashing those who protect us from terrorists on airlines, I will say that if they move any fucking slower while checking my person for whatever forbidden items I may have stashed away in my bra, I might have to kick someone.

And once again, a magnificent and hilarious post.

Chairborne Stranger said...

This post was too funny, and honestly, Toll Booth school? Who knew? Although, you didn't come across as having a Texas twang, or any other kind of accent ;-)

Spanky said...

The Post Office really sounds like the place for me! How could I have missed that and gone into sales? Maybe my second career...

lysie6211 said...

With the benefits they get you'd think they'd be a little happier!

jules said...

I use one of those little postal outlet things that has FedX and UPS and everything all together. I pay more, but the service is much better, and the lines are practically non-existant. Plus the fact that all day I FEEL like killing my co-workers, so by the time I made it to the postal worker, I might actually act on the impulse. Although I'm sure FEDERAL prisons are much nicer?

Leesa said...

Amen sistah..you couldn't have said this any better!

CommonWombat said...

Hey, drive up here to Baltimore to do your mailing. Our postal workers are just as slow and depressed as everyone else's, but I'll entertain you while you wait in line. That's gotta count for something.

Of course, by "entertain," I mean I'll go "Pull my finger. No really. Pull my finger." Over and over and over...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I do not work there, or have a piece of Postal Service stock, but I vote strongly for the West Salem, Oregon, branch of the Postal Service. Sorry, Karla, but, NO YOU CANNOT HAVE OUR PEOPLE.

SoniaK said...

I just found your blog (dang it if could remember how I wound up here though!), and this is the first post I read, and you had me in stitches. I don't go to the post office very often, but I'm betting the training center for the USPS is right next door to the training for anyone ever employed by a courthouse. I deal with them daily and man are they ever slow, cranky, and annoyed that you're actually making them...gasp...work.

Amy said...

honest to goodness some huge reprimand must have happened in PA years ago to all postal employees as they are now so over-the-top nice it's almost sickening. Same at the DMV. I kid you not. It's worth moving here. Well, we're expecting 8 inches of snow tonight, but if you can deal with that you have great postal and dmv workers! (does chief slacker live in PA, too?)

Anne Glamore said...

I had such a bad experience at a local post office last week that I blogged about it ("Going Postal") and I have since received coments, phone calls and emails out the wazoo telling me that everyone else in town knows exactly the bitch I wrote about! Oops-- I'm afraid she may get run out of town (if that can happen to a government employee?)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karla, would you like to come over to my place and lick my stamps???

Maja said...

Maybe you could pay someone else to go to the post office for you.

I really think you should send this post as a letter to "The Man" of the post office, cause it's amusing enough not to be insulting.

Surely the USPS is interested in delivering good customer service?

Hahahahaha

psquared said...

Workers don’t like to lick stamps, so now they are stickers.
Workers work too many days, so they need another holiday.
Workers don’t like to compete with FedEx or UPS so they are going to raise the price of stamps.

I think that this employee centric government run agency is pretty good evidence that the idea of communism is pretty bad.

Imagine any public owned and run operation functioning with the same service – they would be out of business in a year.

That is, unless your product were addictive like crack – the way fast food and designer coffee is made.

geena said...

I live in Sweden. They pretty much did away with the official postal service here a few years ago and now you go to the gas station or mini-market to do your post office business.

If I could choose between the gum-popping teenagers who now handle my mail business and the angsty USPS folks who used to...I'll take the teenagers every time. Plus the bonus of being able to buy bubble gum along with my stamps.

Crazy MomCat said...

Fucking hilarious! I'm sorry, that's all I could say to this one. It's TOO true as well!

H0kie Erin said...

Ohhhhh there is a woman at my local post office that hates me! (In all fairness, the feeling is mutual) I went in with a form that the USPS said I could deliver to my local post office and she informed me that I would have to "mail it to my old post office in Virginia. NEXT!"

Uhhhh, it was still my turn. When I asked her about it, she gave me attitude (I don't take it from kids at school and I'll be damned if some old bitch will do it to me in public).

Whore.

Thanks for the memories! :)

Casually Me said...

Now that was funny. I worked at a post office for 90 days once. My 90th day happened on New Years Eve. It didn't work out for either side. They usually put the lamest folks up in front, honestly. The ones that don't sort mail very fast, or cannot deliver it. Post Office rejects. Thanks for giving me a laugh.

kathi said...

Thanks for stopping by, I'm glad to have been led here. You, darlin, are one funny lady. And, don't let it scare you if I call ya 'baby', it's a non gender & non sexual term with me. Hmmmmm, unless I use it in the middle of sex with the male gender...oh, never mind, I'm confused now. Must be the meds, hell...they've got me on valium 3 X's a day. Anyway, enjoyed the visit, and I'll be back. :)

Amy said...

There is a post office exactly 10 steps from my office door, however, we use the online mail services whenever possible. The man who runs the counter at this particular establishment makes it his life's work to make sure that you have to re-package, re-label or change your letter or package in some way, everytime you are there...no matter what. He will also mock your driver's license picture and pick on your size, height and weight. I loath him with all of my being.

torrie said...

I have been selling stuff on Ebay, so I've been at the post office a lot lately.
There is this one guy who stands amongst the customers and answers their questions.
Everytime I'm there he's saying the same things.
I now know how many years he's been working for the post office, how many hours he's been working each day, and how if he doesn't follow the rules he could be fired.
It's the same speech EVERY TIME.
He is obviously desperate for attention.

The mojo in the post office is so bad I can't wait to get out of there.

JaeFox said...

I agree about sending your post to the post office in question...it will give them a laugh, and drive home your point. Hell, I may even copy it and send it ti MY post office.

Not sure if it the same at your local post office, but another maddening thing about those people are their effin' air of superiority. THEY are better than YOU. THEY control what is going on, not you, and for eight brief, shining hours, they do, and they RUN with that. You are low-down ground-in dirt, and they are gods. I f****** hate that.

Sympathies for the incoveniences with Jake - it's really hard to have a small baby and do those errands at the same time. Some days are really tough. But you get tolook at his face while standing in line - infinitely better than looking at THEIRS.

Which reminds me>>>>>more JAKE!!!! Where are the cute Christmas photos? Of him sitting under the tree? Or on it?

HizzleThizzle said...

I actually got a nosy postal worker the other day as Im mailing packages to all my family in Ireland...

"Wow ma'am this is one right heavy package? You sending a dead body or something?"

Why yes, yes I am as soon as you climb into that box roughly the size of a watermelon. Thanks for your cooperation please dont make an airhole.

And Im in Oklahoma.. they all should like the duke boys.

HizzleThizzle said...

should = sound

thats what I get for thinking I was being funny and not proof reading

Sass said...

Hey Lady, when you get a moment check out my site. I included you in something

TSB said...

You really should be doing standup comedy....

NA said...

Isn't there a Budlight commerical about them??? If not.. dammit there should be!!

melissa.in.london said...

Posts like this one are why I continue to quench my thirst for hilarity here!

They must put the bottom of the barrel at the front desk. Too stupid to sort mail? Help our customers!

nita said...

in stowe, verrrmont there is a guy who is the biggest jerk of all time. knows my first and last name and everything about me and makes me show a license to write a check. there's more, but i don't wish to drone on and on....but here in massachusetts, they are lovely at the PO. it weirded me out, but i figure maybe it's a PR thing cuz massachusetts is so hard to spell or something...

trisha said...

This is why I never, ever mail anyone anything.

Awesome post, Dude.

lil'bitty said...

My Mommy used to work in the DMV and she was ALWAYS happy and helpful. She was the exception though, and after 5 years of working with the miserable trolls that turned the DMV into a stinking cesspool of human misery, she quit.
I think the post office has to be a similar work environment (though I don't know why), and it just breaks people down over time and turns them evil.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I actually don't think you're far off from having the personality of a postal worker as it is, you're just vocal about it while they have resigned themselves to a lifetime spent in the shadow of mediocrity.

The Complimenting Commenter said...

That was really funny. It does seem that no matter the request or the timing, it is the longest of waits. Thanks for making me smile a little though.

Jen said...

Ha! We have a teeny tiny post office at work in the NASA headquarters building at Kennedy Space Center and it is almost never busy. I was there today and didn't have to wait at all. You have to be a badged employee to even get to this particular post office, so there are not that many people that can use it, and the employees there only work 10:00 to 3:00 so they are quite happy and pleasant.

mrhaney said...

well don't hold back karla. just feel free to tell it like it is. postal workers are known to be slow. i can not say to much though because i worked for the water department for 21 years.

Jessica said...

A real friend, Karla, would offer to come and pick up your packages and mail them for you...regardless of where they live. If Wombat is willing to entertain you while in line in Baltimore, maybe he'll volunteer.

Thomas said...

Any recommendations for someone leaving Texas in 18 days?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

BAHHH! That was a good one.

I can't remember if I mentioned it in the last comments (guess I could go look) but I love your blog set up. Classic with the martini glass!

Yes - the USPS is perhaps the last bastion of an actual incarnation of Hell on Earth. I think it is the unique combination of unoinized workers and a recruiting process that favors the metally handicapped and emotionally unbalanced.

It has been almost two decades since a postal worker went crazy and "cleaned house" with an AK-47, but I think we all still use the term "going postal" in our lexicon. Must be a reason for that. Could it perhaps be that the same conditions which foster that type of behavior still exist? YEP!

psquared said...

Karla - I look forward to seeing you here in Michigan. I was at the new post office in Ypsilanti where a line of twenty went out the door. They were well organized and moving fast - I was through the line in two minutes ten seconds. My person was nice and even searched for my Regan stamps (which they are all sold out of.)

See you soon.

Best-
p2

HMT said...

I hear you're very vibrant.
r

C. said...

Gotta love the "buzz kill" stamp vending machines that never seem to be accepting change or dollar bills when you need a stamp on closed hours...
Very nice blog.. :)

C.

Thomas said...

Is this post the blog version of "going postal"?

Michele in Michigan said...

ROFLMAO

This is SO fucking true!!!!! I remember years ago when my parents would give the postman a fifth of booze for Christmas because he was friendly and did a good job.

Not me.

anne arkham said...

I'd love a job at the post office. They make like $30/hr and their benefits are the best around. Yeah, they have to wear those stupid pants, but c'mon. Get over it, postal workers.

Croaker said...

Yes well I live in the Suburbs of Detroit where the term "going postal on you " was born so we don't complain in front of the postal employees anymore :).

Miladysa said...

LMAO! Same over here!

pat said...

lol I bet bad service is the postal worker's way of crying out for help. Their actions seem to just scream out, "REPLACE ME WITH ROBOTS!"

I, personally, cannot wait for the day in which postal robots will greet me in their quirky robotic voices -- delivering my packages with an amusing horoscope and all the pleasantries that 68 kilos of circuitry can muster.

Jill said...

Yes, my boredom is a powerful motivator to blogsurf, but I'll be coming back here for sentences like this: "You move like mommy's calling you to come to the living room for a spanking." By the time I got to the flunking out of tollbooth school, I was laughing maniacally. Tomorrow, I have to go to the post office. I will then return here to ease my frustration.

Arctic Skipper said...

Our post office duder (the one who comes to my office) hits on me constantly. It's a little creepy and very embarrassing - especially since my clients seem to think it's so terribly entertaining. (The fact that he's old enough to be my grandfather may have an impact on the creepiness factor, too. Blech!)

If more timely service was a side benefit of his flirtations, I'd probably be okay with this, but as it's not, (yes, I'd pimp myself out for better mail delivery) I'd much prefer the miserable, slow-paced, how-dare-your-come-to-my-place-of-employement-and-expect-me-to-do-my-job kind of experience everyone else seems to have. Trade ya! ;)

Grandma said...

I think the only thing they are productive at is losing my packages! I find that Mail Boxes Etc. is a more friendly and efficient alternative, if you have that as an option near you.

TinaPoPo said...

Our postal employees also overuse the evil eyeball. I get it, you hate me for being here. Thanks.

Amanda said...

wait, i have an aunt pearl, too!

RitMeyer said...

I hate the post office. I use bill pay and will go to the fedex Kinko's to ship everthing. When I went there to see how much my wedding invitations would cost to mail, I decided to tell the post office to kiss my ass. I hate them all. Oh, except my mailcarrier at work, she rocks.

a fish on a bycicle said...

that's why postmen smell, so that blind people can hate them too..

Amerloc said...

I book-marked Old Hoss three days ago, finally got all his posts read, and have time to work my way through his blogroll. You're number three on his. I may see if I can get you a promotion.

But can you imagine how long it's gonna take me to get to your blogroll, with the size of his??

I never realized so much time could be spent laughing so hard. The only complaint I have is that it slows my beer drinking. That's hard on the economy. I used to support it better.

But yeah - pretty much what has been said: TollBooth School was a line that wasted some beer and some paper towels. So was the suicide-note-voice line. That one caught me by surprise.

caprice said...

ah. happy holidays. postal workers and tsa officials are even friendlier and quicker during this time of year. oh wait, never mind. that was my christmas miracle wish.

Anonymous said...

karla? yeah, this is ashley. and im gonna say that youre in charge of finding me a man. a 20-22ish good man. thats all. um, liberal please. thats all. thanks.

Jay said...

You poor dear.
Perhaps the Canadian post office is a different animal, because I just love the guy that sells me my stamps.

Masked Mom said...

Am I the only one getting concerned that right after she bitched about the post office, Karla seemed to disappear? Do you think someone powerful at the post office (that may be an oxymoron, but you can be damned sure that whoever may have any power at the post office is some kind of moron)took her out in some nasty and unprecedented way that looked completely like an accident?

melissa.in.london said...

I was wondering the same thing, masked mom.

Maybe they bashed her over the head with a tube of bubble wrap and stuffed her in a big box and mailed her to Tanzania.

OR she got caught up in a never-ending poo-fountain from Jake.

OR she met up with miss kendra in vegas and couldn't resist marrying a cowboy named clay...

OR Wombat could be behind it...Anyone who talks so candidly about bodily functions MUST be evil.

Wherever she is, she should look into internet access. We're all getting bored without her...(as evidenced by my spurt of not-so-creativeness.)

john boy said...

Amen, sister! You speak the truth!

john boy said...

Oh, as bad as it can be here, it can be worse. Don't ever try to mail something in Italy no matter what time of the year or day. They make our postal workers look like geniuses on crack. I have a good personal story on this that would probably make you piss your pants, but I'm feeling a bit postal at the moment...

Beeb said...

One question: is there a limited amount of comments one post can receive?? I haven't read them all but I'm sure I agree with every one of them. I'm an agreeable person, what can I say?