Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Dear Jake: A List of Grievances

Jake, you are sweet and adorable, and I love you ferociously. That said, you can, on occasion, be a bit of a pain in the arse. I have a small list of complaints I'd appreciate you addressing immediately. And since I know you're a faithful reader of my blog (as are many 11-month olds), I'll post them here.

1) I'd like it if you'd stop screeching like a banshee when I wipe your nose. If that's not possible, then at the very least, clear up the mystery of why you find this to be such a violation. You blithely allow me to perform a great number of actions that seem far more objectionable than an innocent beak-wiping. For instance, you chatter happily away while I repeatedly grab at your kicking feet so that I can trim your toenails. The kicking, grabbing, and hit-and-miss clipping sessions can go on for a small eternity with no real objections from you. Likewise, you're downright agreeable about allowing me to poke you in the ear with a Q-tip while you splash away in the bathtub. You cheerfully acquiesce nearly every time I propose the idea of snatching off your diaper and swabbing your nether regions with a cold Wet Wipe. Most surprising is your laissez-faire attitude as I take your rectal temperature. And yet when I attempt to make a harmless pass across your beak with a Kleenex, you wail like you're afraid I'm one step away from jamming my thumbs knuckle-deep into your nostrils. As soon as you learn to talk, I'm going to demand an explanation for this completely irriational fear of yours.

2) You're right, it is incredibly cool that you can now get around on your own! I don't blame you for being excited about all the things you can examine and all the places you can explore now that you are a whiz at making your way across a room without help. However, it would be nice if you would finish your bottle sometimes before popping up and heading for the window to bang joyfully on it. Don't get me wrong, the joyful banging is super cute, as are the grimy little fist-sized smudges all over my windows. But all I ask is that you finish your bottle before hopping up. You need your energy for pounding on the TV screen and the smudged glass-top coffee table that I now realize it was a mistake to buy.

3) What's so bad about naps? Naps are nice. When you become an adult, a nap will be your friend. I often spend large chunks of my day wishing I were napping. Heck, I'm half-asleep right now. But you do not share my affection for naps. You seem to view nap time as a time to cry and sob until you pass out in a pool of your own snot and tears. Learn to love the nap. Surrender, and embrace the nap. Someday when you're grown up you will appreciate how a good long nap can change your whole attitude, temporarily halting the fantasies you may have about killing your coworker or ramming your car into the a-hole who cut you off in the grocery store parking lot. Naps save lives.

4) I don't mean to nitpick, but you can be a bit of a messy eater. But here's the thing: It should be easy for you to bring food to mouth without mishap, given that your arms are so disproportionately stubby. The distance the food has to travel, therefore, is short. Of the two of us, I should be the messier eater. My arms are way longer, and there's far more room for error when food is traveling that great distance from hand to mouth. So from now on, there'll be no more of this: I expect more of you, my stubby-armed, filthy bib-wearing friend.

5) There's nothing exciting about the drain in the bathtub. It's shiny and may look deceptively interesting, but when you get a close look at it, you'll discover that it's not a toy, not food, not a button that, when pressed, sets off a carnival of lights and sound. No, it's just a hole in the tub. Very boring. So stop trying to climb out of your baby tub and get your soapy mitts on that drain. Everything that glitters is not gold.
6) A rarely-discussed fact about electrical cords is this: They look tastier than they actually are. I do find your electrical cord radar to be quite an impressive thing: Any time you're deposited in the middle of a room, your ability to quickly locate, make your way over to, and stuff in your mouth the nearest electrical cord is really quite amazing. However, your ardent love of gnawing on electrical cords is in direct conflict with my desire to keep you alive into adulthood. So cut it out, or I'll be forced to duct-tape your arms to your sides.

This concludes my list of grievances. And just so you don't think I'm all take and no give, I'm willing to change a couple of my behaviors that I know you don't like. I hereby promise to stop putting you into strangers' shopping carts at the grocery store when they're not looking, just to see their reaction when they turn around and see you there. And if you're very well-behaved, I'll stop taping photos of my ex-boyfriends to the inside of your diapers. I realize it's funny to me, but a bit uncomfortable for you.


Ben said...

I think the Jakester will soon need a nice, eloquent, soothing set of *DRUMS* to keep him out of your hair KB.


SeeingDouble said...

Hahaha! I want to write a list of grievances for my pre-schoolers.
1. Stop telling me you have to poop 6 times in a row before you actually go. Just go.
2. When I ask you to discontinue a behavior, or to please sit down, the proper response is NOT "I'm not dooooing anyfinnnnnnnnngggg!!"
3. Less crumbs. Not every food should create crumbs. There is no need to crush all of your meals into a fine powder.

Anonymous said...

What is it with kids and the aversion to nose-wiping? I never understood that.

melissa said...

It's amazing that you can stick a cold, hard, long object up a kids rear but taking a freakin' Kleenex to their nose is a crime against humanity. Sometimes they just don't make sense.

P.S. Perhaps another behavior change for you could be to stop cooking your child in a pot on the stove in a succulent stew to feed him to your cannibalistic friends. Just a thought. :)

Jess Riley said...

I sense a new business opportunity! In the same vein as toilet paper embossed with the visage of politicians, personalized diapers printed with the images of exes!!! There could be diapers just printed with names, too--for the budget conscious.

I poop on you, Jonny Blozinski.

Anonymous said...

This is too funny not to comment- however, I'm at work so I have to be all stealth-like and leave a quick comment. I love it! I hope the day I have this situation I'm just as comical about it.

Mrs. Ca said...

Too funny! I hope he shapes up soon, although I'm on his side with the whole taping pictures in the diaper thing. I think that's an even trade for the ever-present fingerprints on glass and messy eating.

But, seriously, he's adorable.

dizzy von damn! said...

you're going to stop the photo in diaper thing?

i was just getting ready to send you my batch.

oh well, looks like i need to go to the drugstore. what size depends would you say i am?

dizzy von damn! said...

you're going to stop the photo in diaper thing?

i was just getting ready to send you my batch.

oh well, looks like i need to go to the drugstore. what size depends would you say i am?

Monogram Queen said...

Ha being a Mom of a 15 month old I can totally relate!

justacoolcat said...

Being that I have no children I'm completly unqualified to comment on this post.

Being that I obnoxious,drunk,and high on paint thinner, I can't stop myself.

I'd add:
1) Get a job, you're almost a year old, the rent doesn't pay for itself.

2) At the very least, find a way to start paying the credit cards I've taken out in your name.

3) Hone your initiative. Now that you've mastered vision and walking, can't you can see my beer is empty?. Hint.

4) Eat what is being served. Burbur is an industry standard.

Sass said...

Get them all out now. When he's 15 he'll have a list of his own grievances.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jake:

First I want to tell you, "Good Job!" for all your hard work with mom. You are staying right on schedule with everything.

I find it a touch of genious how you resist the kleenex, but enjoy the anal play of the rectal thermometer. This will play well into your advantage in the future.

Eledue the the fact in your teens that you have gay tendencies because of this and that's why you enjoy a$$ wiping and rectal probing. Your parents will be putty in your hands while you pretend to teter on this decision later.

But don't ...

On eating, continue to refuse to be neat, but in the future only ask for Root Beer and sweet things for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My daughter has mastered this and that's that. Learn from her, grasshopper.

Finally, do everything you can during the day to tire mom out. It is your top priority.

Why? You don't want mom and dad having ANY sex! You want mom to be so tired she doesn't even want to look at your dad when he ventures home randy from a hard day's work.

Why, you ask? Because Christmas is MUCH better as an only child. You get 100% of the money devoted to kids. No sharing with an annoying sybling.

Take care my young padowan. Divide and conquer.


... Paige said...

You are doing a grea job kid! I can't wait to see what mommy says when you learn to turn the door knob and pull at the same time. WOW!

Blondie... said...

Ah, the list will get longer...

You'd think Jake would spend more of his free time writing his thesis for Harvard than banging on windows.

Kids these days... No attention spans to speak of. ;-)

acw said...

I was the complete opposite when it came to the nose wiping thing. I would sneeze, and snot would hang from my nose to my belt, and I would lean WAAAAY over so the snot wouldn't touch me, and then I would scream my fool head off until somebody came and wiped my nose.

My mom still laughs about how horrified other people would be to find out that my blodd-curdling screaming was a direct result of me "having a boogie."

Jessica said...

Dear Jake,

Clearly your mother needs to get off her high horse and just up her daily intake of booze and oxycontin!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Forget the naps, Jake. You might miss something, like your Mom throwing up.

Mighty Dyckerson said...


Rusty said...

Oh, Jake is too cute to have grievances about him! My grievance is that I don't have any little ones to put down for hated naps and blow noses for!

That said, it has to get really tedious putting up with all that 11-month-old stuff, but I suppose soon he'll be a "big boy" and you'll miss the tedious 11-month-old stuff. You can't win!

CommonWombat said...

I really REALLY want to write something mean and pithy here, but your son has just sucked the venom and bile right out of me.

No not literally. That would be both disgusting and illegal. I just mean that one look at those pictures and I have nothing but sweet, wonderful things to say.

About Jake.

You, you're 3-car garage packed to the rafters with issues. I weep for the children. The ones that come from your womb in particular.

doggerelblogger said...

I have some killer nap advice (and unsolicited, too - the best kind!) for you, Karla - it's found in a book called Health Sleep Habits = You May Continue to Live in My House - or something like that; trust me, it is a GREAT book.

J decided at about 20 months that he was too old for napping, so I suggested he get a job. Of course, he ignored me.

kim said...

"Naps save lives"

Maja said...

Is Jake always happy, or what? He's always smiling or laughing in these photos.

Hey, could you please wipe his nose and take a photo of it? Do it a few times, see how angry he gets. Maybe even a shot with your fingers still on his nose!

Does he still fit in the pot?

Christi said...

Oh, the ideas you've given me! I'm sure my hubby will greatly appreciate the next time he changes the baby's diaper and find a pic of my ex in there!

Oh, wait, that would mean he would have to change a diaper, huh....

He's getting so big! It's scary isn't it? I looked at Taryn today, and I swear she looked a year older all of a sudden! When the hell did that happen! I'd just looked at her ten seconds before, and she just looked like her normal seven month old self!

Oh, and those biter bisquits are your first mistake. Get him cleaner food...preferrably the animal crackers and Gerber Puffs (or puffer fish, as my son calls them!). So much cleaner, and quite tasty, too...

Bridgermama said...

Seriously hilarious! I have a 6 month old and my list of "grievances" is just starting. I have a clear view of my future in your post. Good luck, you have a cute little guy. I look forward to visiting your blog in the future.

Laura said...

If he lets you in on the secret of why the nose wiping is so offensive please let me know, there seems to be nothing worse I can do to my daughter.

lil'bitty said...

I don't so much like the nose wiping, or face washing either. My Daddy has made a big theatrical production of the whole thing, so I am much more inclined to let him get away with that hated violation because I'm laughing at his silliness. Mommy, on the other hand, is more businesslike about it and we don't do so well with it.
We don't like it because it interferes with our free head movement, pinches our sensitive nose, constricts our breathing and restricts our field of vision. How would you like a hand the size of a basketball all over your face?

mandy said...

hello! just wanted to let you know some random stranger linked to your blog from their site(me). you're hilarious, and i read your blog everyday, and, the way i see it, if someone has the misfortune of stumbling upon my site, they should have the fortune of then stumbling upon yours.

~Tim said...

But, food is so much more fun when you wear it!