Sunday, January 29, 2006

I need your advice, dear readers

Okay, so my son's first birthday is coming up, and being the excellent mommy I am, I'm planning a party. True, he's too young to appreciate a party, and will have no idea why all these people are at his house. True, he will have little interest in presents beyond trying to eat the wrapping paper. True, he will probably need a nap before the end of the shindig, and will possibly even get a little crabby. And true, he doesn't actually have any friends of his own yet, so "his" party will be filled with my friends and some little kids I've recruited to act as his friends. But according to the laws of motherhood, I am required to have a party for him. That much I know--but there are a few details I am still unclear on. I know some of you have kids (many of them kidnapped or bought on the black market, but hey, they're yours now), or at least have siblings who have kids, so surely you can help me out with a bit of advice. Here are the points I'm unclear on:

1) How many kegs should we provide for a one-year old's party? I know when adults congregate, it's common to have a couple of kegs, maybe three to be on the safe side, but remember, most of our guests will be under 30 lbs. They can't go through more than one keg, can they? Maybe I could even get by with just a pony keg? Then again, it's bad form to run out of beer, and I don't want a house full of half-drunk toddlers nipping at my calves in anger over a depleted alcohol supply.

2) Do I hire strippers for this event? Or is that something that would be more appropriate for his 5th birthday?

3) Is this the kind of party where we all put our house keys in a big bowl and exchange them? (And yes, I'm talking about the grownups only, you perv. Jesus.)

4) Is it bad form to expect people to bring their own blow? Or do I have to provide it? I don't want to sound cheap, but the idea of cutting down on expenses by asking people to BYOD is sounding pretty appealing right now.

I think that's all the questions I have for now. I'll await your answers while I blow up some balloons and make some snickerdoodles.


Anonymous said...

1. pony keg

2. midget stripper

Johnny Blogger said...


1) Beer Ball-not keg. A keg is kind of cold and intimadating whereas kids are familiar with balls and will gravite voluntarily towards the drink. That said, the pony keg on the side might save you money for the infants that just need a bottle refill here and there.

2) I don't like clowns. Those kids won't appreciate the strippers near as much as the adults. I think an Avante Garde troupe costumed in Pink Hippopotamus would be a real nice touch.

Dr. H.O. Potamus

SeeingDouble said...

Skip the key bowl, because that many sets of keys near toddlers could be disasterous. You don't want to have someone pulling off couch cushions and checking diapers for the missing set of keys. Also, it should DEFINITELY be BYOD, what happens if you buy enough blow for 15 people, and 4 have a cold, 2 are teething, and 3 bring a friend? You're screwed, that's what!

Badger said...

My kids are 8 and nearly 10 now, so I can help.

1. The rule is, one keg for each year of age (of the birthday child) plus one extra. So, two for the first birthday, three for the second birthday, etc.
2. I usually wait until the third birthday for strippers, but it really depends on the maturity level of the child. You know your kid best!
3. This is optional, but the key exchange is much more appropriate for a toddler party than simply pairing off and finding an empty room in the party house. Who's watching the kids?! Use a little common sense, people.
4. BYOD is totally acceptable for the first birthday, but again, by the third birthday folks are going to expect you to provide a little something. HOWEVER, you don't have to lay out a bunch of blow on the buffet table as long as you tuck some into the goodie bags (you know about the goodie bags, right?). And the goodie bag approach makes for less cleanup after the party.

Learn from my mistake and DO NOT put the keys/drugs in the pinata. BAD IDEA.

CommonWombat said...

Well, so far everyone has gotten this one completely WRONG. Allow me to help you out.

1) I have found the most efficient way to provide booze at a toddler party is simply to get the mothers hammered and then let the magic of breastfeeding take its course. The advantages to this are a) it allows you to simply use the "adult-keg" math, and not have to worry about factoring for the kids, b) The kids can keep drinking long after the adults have passed out, provided they can crawl over to a nearby boob, and c) lots of exposed breasts to keep the guys interested.

2)Strippers are fine, but there is a better way to handle this one. Just make the party "diaper optional." This way you can be assured that there will be all kinds of hot toddler-ass crawling around the party for Jake to oggle. Sure, you'll have some messes on your carpet to clean up afterwards, but what good party doesn't have carpet-messes? You should have already accounted for this and rented a steam-cleaner.

3) Yes, this should be a "key" party. However, when grown adults with children exchange keys, it works a little differently. You do not exchange spouses, but rather swap houses for the night. This way you can compare their appliances to yours, assure yourself that your bed is, in fact, more comfortable, etc... Oh, and fuck their dog.

4) I have found that a fun way around the "do I porvide drugs" question is to simply take all the various perscription drugs in the house and dump them in a large bowl. Blindfold each guest and have them pick out and swallow five pills. The resulting side effects / adverse drug reactions should be hillarious.

If you follow these suggestions, not only will you AND Jake have a fantastic party, but you also greatly increase Jake's chances of having foster parents down the road, which, lets face it, could only be a step up.


Jess Riley said...

I don't know if I could handle strippers at my future child's first birthday party, because inevitably, he or she will end up lusting after these much larger mammaries. And then I'll only be able to take solace in liquor. Which probably would have happened anyway after the midgets didn't show up.

Anonymous said...

I had four strippers, two of each gender - skipped the kegs and opted for an open bar - and had a live band that provided all the blow.
Does that help?
Lemme tell you honey, it's the five year old parties that kill you. Damn condoms and all that. HA HA

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Aw, wait till he's 12 and rent him his very own teacher.

tfg said...

Jesus, the depravity grows with each passing day. It's a damn good thing Texas is known for its illiteracy or Social Services would have punched your ticket years ago.

1. Mixing alcohol and toddlers is a very bad idea. This can only lead to leaky diapers and drunk and disorderly charges. Choosie moms choose Morphine.

2. If you want your son to have any respect for women, strippers are out of the question. What kind of message do you want to send Jake? That if he wants to see boobies all he has to do is part with some singles? No, this is not the way. Instead, Jake must learn that if he wants to see the boobies then he has to say sensitive, romantic things like, "Drop your drawers and I'll be yours."

3-4. How in the hell did your raunchy wife-swapping fantasies get into this? Listen closely. A "key" exchange party is where people get together and exchange narcotics, packaged in exactly 2.2lb increments, for large sums of money. It's exactly like a Tuperware party, but different.

I hope this helps, but for Jake's sake, I seriously suggest that you look at trading him in for a lawn gnome.

Paul Michael Peters said...

Rather than beer may I suggest hard liquor? Do what the kids these days are calling “the bobsled run” where a groove is cut into a block of ice that is at a 45 degree angle. Pour the shot at the top and the booze flows down the slalom course super cooling it to the toddler’s mouth. I only recommend this because I understand teething pains can be reduced by the cold.

Rain said...

you are a riot. wait till he's thirteen!

gumushel said...

poor kid...

nita said...

1. keg? toddlers require the hard stuff, mama

2. strippers for sure. he's still all about the breasts, yes?

3. aren't you scared with the results of your last random fucking??!!

4. pot brownies should cover your responsibility...and make the people doing blow clean your gd bathroom while they're in there....

5. *my* invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. you didn't put that annoying glitter in it, didya?

have fun. let him take a nap. and a cupcake has more than enough sugar for one day....

Anonymous said...

That sounds like it could possibly be the greatest one-year-old birthday party ever! Throw in a stripper clown and I'm there!

melissa said...

I'm thinking instead of involving just the adults with the key party, that you give the keys to the toddlers (great idea, I know!) and have them swap parents.

'Cause someone else's kid needs to get screwed up, too...

And, I second dennis with the midget stripper idea. Just Jake's size!

Unknown said...

Yes, guests should always bring their own blow.

Geeze you crack me up!

acw said...

Provide the drugs yourself and just cut the blow with baby-powder. Parent's won't notice unles you leave the 6 empty containers of Johnson & Johnson around.

Angeline Rose Larimer said...

Pickles is concerned about her betrothed keeping company with midget strippers. I'll take her for a manicure that day, and explain to her how boys will be boys.
Jack, on the other hand, has his bags packed for Texas. I'll put him on the bus with a wad of ones, and a Tickle Me Elmo.

Serve beer in kiddie themed birthday cups. Better for the photos.

(Easy on the blow. We don't want our grandkids coming out with three arms.)

justacoolcat said...

For logistic reasons I suggest you hold the party in Mexico.

I'm sure there are plenty of *border strip joints that will also provide unlimited booze,beds, drugs, turquoise jewelry, and those tasty food stuffs wrapped in corn husk.

*For legal reasons, my lawyer advises me to add -
I've never been to Juarez.

dizzy von damn! said...

i don't care as long as i'm invited.

and i will comply with any byod rules.

AvR said...

I think you're beating yourself up unneccessarily over the party trimmings.

Have pot, have it in abundance, and volume 3 of "The Family Guy".

Recipe for success!

Many happy returns to your son.

Karina said...

Awww man, I so want to go to your son's first birthday party instead of the one I'm being forced to go to for my friend's one year old, which will undoutedly involve party games and noise makers.

Can I send you her e-mail addy so you can send her some tips? ;-)

Anonymous said...

While it is natural to be a little wary of asking your guests to bring their own blow, surely they will understand that you have many new expenses due to your child. First, of all, it is smart to start a college fund now. By the time he is college age, Yale and Harvard will be $100,000 a year. That is why it is important not to throw any of the unused blow away. Instead, stick in a cookie jar labelled "College Fund" and on weekends, try selling some of it to students at a local college.

Me said...

Wait... you need a donkey for the strippers... everyone loves a good floor show.

If I were you, I'd supply the blow- and plenty of it. I know you're a Texan *now*, but those of us who were born and bred here know it's always good Southern Hospitality to have plenty of party favors on hand... better too much than not enough. This rule also applies to food and toilet paper.

Dustin said...

a skateboard

Fish said...

Have you considered any games?

Hide and get lucky

Pass the spliff

Pin the tail on next doors cat (using a crossbow)

Postman's cock

Mrs. Ca said...

I don't really have any answers for you, but I have to say that sounds like one hell of a party!

Kiki said...

Everyone knows that one year olds like jello shots. Duh Karla.

browser58 said...

You left out the games. The best is Diaper match. Dump all the used diapers in a big washtub, each parent has to pick out there kids diaper by smell. Really gets a party going.

Also on the key exchange, that allows you to take someoneelse's kid for the night. See if yours is really the worst in the whole world.

Lyvvie said...

I'm so lame, I went for the cake and jam sandwich party....I should be living in Texas! more sticking him in drawers then?

Pictures will be a must.

Hope he has a super day, and hope you have one too - it's really your day, you did all the hard work.

Ben said...

1. Any size, however German Bier only (get him started off right)
2. Strippers, yes; Lesbians. (starting off right again)
3. Yes, safe bet.
4. LOL

Your kid is going 2B a rock star, I can see it already.


Me said...

Hello! Ben sent me! Sounds like your 1st b-day party will be a hellava better time than mine! I think I need to jump on this bandwagon!

Anonymous said...

Set up a martini bar....

Enforcer said...

And don't forget that when the cops show up, you want to REMIND them that you pay their salary (they just love those reminders) And don't forget to offer them donuts (you know, the really powdery messy kind)

And did somebody say midget strippers? have em pudding wrastle and I'm so there