Thursday, January 26, 2006

Dumb but lucky

So I'm a great big dummy--we've established that. I don't need yet another "How much do you know about___" quiz to remind me exactly how little I know about anything. And yet occasionally I am compelled to take another one. Why do I do this to myself? I think some unreasonably optimistic part of me holds out hope that this time I'll do well, thus restoring some of my lost faith in myself. On some level I must be thinking that maybe someday the right quiz will come along and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all those other quizzes I've failed in the past were wrong, and the real truth is I'm very, deeply intelligent. Downright brilliant. Amazingly astute. Profoundly wise. Impressively gifted. So I keep taking the cursed things, and time and time again they reveal that I'm a big stupid dum dum-head.

The latest one was brought to my attention by my friend Donna, in an obvious attempt to shrink my ego further. It's comprised of questions from the US citizenship test, plus a few extra. In a spectacular failure, I managed to get 18 right out of 30, meaning that really, I should be kicked out of this country immediately. Even as we speak, there are scores of very intelligent, hopeful foreigners standing in line at the Department of Immigration, asking for a shot at living in this country, and by some unfair twist of fate, I got in free by being born here. No way could I make it in if I had to pass that test, clearly. In fact, judging by my score, it's doubtful I could even muster up the brain cells required to locate and drive to the Department of Immigration to fail the test. If I did make it there, and was handed the test and a No. 2 pencil, I'd probably sit on my haunches and begin eating the pencil and rubbing the test under my armpits. Then I'd start flinging poo at the test moderator. I'd be quickly deported back to the country from whence I came, where I'd go back to living in my mud hut and farming leaves for 2 cents per day. The most excitement I'd ever get in my impoverished life would be when Sally Struthers occasionally showed up to make another tear-filled commercial begging rich fatcat Americans to dig up their spare couch change to feed my entire village for a month. I'd be featured in the commercial, rail-thin and encircled by flies, clutching my distended belly. Meanwhile, Sally would stuff entire Sara Lee poundcakes into her face between takes. It would be a far cry from the easy life I live here in the U.S.

So I'd like to apologize to all those unfortunate, deserving men and women standing in line at the Department of Immigration, about to leap through several thousand hoops and shimmy up two billion miles of red tape hoping for a chance at a better life here in America. I know it's not fair that I'm here instead of you. I'd give you my place if I could, really! Okay, not really. Let's face it, I'm not tough enough to survive the mud hut/leaf farming life. And I'm not a big Sally Struthers fan.

39 comments:

seeingdouble said...

Oooh, I wanna take the quiz! I'll probably fail too, but hey, I was born here, what do I care?

leesepea said...

I got a 24.

Of course, last year I taught 8th grade Language Arts and Social Studies.

CommonWombat said...

I got a 24 as well. I'm smarter than you. I'm also nicer and I look better in a skirt.

Don't worry about being kicked out of the country on account of your stupidity. There will always be a place for you here. I mean, SOMEONE'S got to wash the dishes at the diner...

JamesO said...

18 out of 30? That's 60%. Over here you'd get an A for that. They'd probably ask you to be Prime Minister.

JamesO said...

Bah! I only got 17. There goes my chance of joining the tired and huddled masses.

Amy said...

Well, don't feel too bad, I work for an immigration attorney and I got a 19 when I first took it...

TSB said...

I'm not taking the damn test because if you failed I am sure to get something like a 12....

melissa.in.london said...

I have to say that I'm surprised Wombat didn't comment on the image of you throwing poo...It's a nice image, by the way.

I took the quiz. I JUST took American History last semester, so that kind of helped. Oh, and I do enjoy history. So that kind of helped, too. I got a 26.

AnonymousCoworker said...

I got a 23. Does that mean I get to stay?

Good.

The revolution will not be televised.

rach said...

i will NEVER AGAIN claim to be smarter than my immigrant parents.

it's a damn shame that i only got a 17. a whole lotta good that college education did me.

miss kendra said...

i got a 22.

which is probably good because i live about two blocks down from an INS office.

Hope said...

I failed it too. But is it really necessary for immigrants to know american history? Instead they should be asked things like, "Do you know how to drive at or above the speed limit?" and "Will you please promise not to take a job in customer service until English-speakers can understand you?"

justacoolcat said...

I scored a 29. (Wifey is a history teacher)

Thusly, I should be able to say who can and can't stay in the country.

You can stay as long as you promise to continue buying consumer fad products like shirts that button at the crotch, leg warmers, coats that cover one third of the torso, and slinkies.

I also tend to think understanding driving rules, currency exchange,
and English swear words should be more important criterion for citizenship.

Writer Mom said...

I thought Nixon resigned before he got impeached.
Damn trick questions.

doggerelblogger said...

Don't feel bad, Karla. This complicated story will explain why: there's this Canadian comedian called Rick Mercer, who's broadcast a couple of specials called (and I really mean no offence, wait 'till the end, it will all make sense then) Talking to Americans, in which he takes a trip down south and, well, asks Americans questions about Canada which, naturally, they can't answer. HOWEVER, I always like to point out that, if he asked the same questions of Canadians, I am sure they would ALSO not be able to answer correctly, so it's not really fair. (Admittedly, that Cornell University professor should have known that Canadian Inuit do not place everyone over 65 on ice floes to die, but hey, maybe he was having a bad day). My point? Well... I guess it's that nobody knows as much as they should about their own country... I guess, actually, I'm saying that we're all a bunch of idiots.

There - feel better?

I am commenting from Saskatoon!

Jessica said...

Karla, come see my recent post about MASH - I wanna know who ends up on your list (please?).

Jess Riley said...

Karla, you need to write a book. Seriously. You don't even need to know about good citizenship-type crap.

Girl Next Door said...

Hey! I'm an American. I wonder if they watch the History Channel to get those answers?

GNDTX

Hillary said...

I got a 14! But, I'm Canadian...

Rick Mercer is the BEST! It's hilarious what he gets people to give opinions about (like Canada deciding to change to the 24 hour clock cause the 20-hour-day system was becoming difficult to manage.) Heeheehee

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Ah, Sally,...uh....Babbler... Karen?... You're not that mean. No, really. You're not.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I got a 67.

(I'm not good at math either.)

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Holy shit, I actually scored a 24. Nice to know I didn't kill all of my brain cells while in college.

The Bard of the Wood said...

Certain that I was alone, I took the entire quiz with my hand on my crotch and scored a 23. I noticed many people have excuses for answers missed. Not wanting to be the exception...my excuse for missing 7 of them is that I didn't know the damn answers. Call me ignorant or apathetic, whatever. I don't know and I don't care. I was born here so that makes me better than the rest of the world.

elcapitanhink said...

27 bitches! And it should be 28, considering the two impeachment thing is a wash. Any impeachment based on a blowjob is a mulligan. I want partial credit.

Sorry Karla. Perhaps you were having a bad day and your conscientious citizen bits weren't with you. Hell, just the other day I woke up late for work, spilled coffee on my nuts in the car, and -- wouldn't you know it -- by 12 noon I was selling secrets to Red China. D'oh!

We can't all be good citizens all the time.

Ally Bean said...

No way am I taking this quiz. I know how dumb I am, and see no point in sharing it with the world!

Thank goodness some really great ancestor of mine had the sense to flee the homeland before quizzes became so popular here in the US.

I like being lucky.

bornfool said...

I missed three: the who was born in texas one, when was the last ammendment ratified, and what ammendment changed voting age to 18.
It said I passed. I guess I get to stay in the states. I was hoping to get deported to the Netherlands.

Ben said...

I'd probably fail that quiz too, terrible quiz taker here. Have a nice weekend and TGIF!

Cheers.

a fish on a bycicle said...

oops, I've just been deported...

mrtl said...

You make me want to be a better American... Curses! There's no apple pie in the house.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

25!! Pack up and get out, dummy.

No, wait. You're pretty and NOT blonde. You can stay.

karla from canada said...

I got 20 on the test, but hey I am from Canada!

Karina said...

So, since I failed miserably (17, shame on me), I should be REALLY glad that my poor parents, barely being here the 7 years required, took and passed the citizenship test before I turned 16, automatically making me a citizen huh? Thanks mom and dad!

Of course, I could use the "I missed alot of american history in school because I was learning my home country's history" as an excuse...but who needs excuses? I'm an american now...failing the test proves it! ;-)

In all fairness, anyone who takes a citizenship test crams for WEEKS before taking it. It's a lot of studying, and I'm not saying it's easy, but they do study, so, maybe if we studied we'd pass too?

Rain said...

I got an encouraging message that said I was really really close to passing. Well I didn't get to study right?

La Boom said...

yes, but it does NOT surprise me. I know where you went to school

karla said...

Boom: My (OUR) school might not be entirely to blame for my inadequate education...the real problem was it was impossible for me to get any learning accomplished with you screeching like a banshee in the chair next to me.

Psycho.

Stacie said...

At least you were brave enough to take the test! I took one look at it and said...Nuh uh! Now way Jose`

Stacie

nita said...

i got a 25. too bad there isn't some way for you to get paid for inspiring us all to partake in highlighting our disgusting american laziness :)

Aeryn said...

Wow. I got a 15. That's just SO SAD.

Hippo said...

Hey,

Charla, I took the test and I got a 23. Can I now be a "temporary guest worker." BTW, the Burger Kings phone number is:

1-800-EAT-MEAT

He's anxiously sitting by the phone, eating a big mac, waiting for your call.

Dr. H.O. Potamus