Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dear Jackass, Volume 7


Dear Weirdo Who Backs Into A Parking Space:

This doesn't really have any negative impact on me, but it's just irritating. Are you robbing a bank, and need to make a fast getaway? Is your car such a heap of shit that you expect to be pushing it out of the space instead of driving it away? Or are you just one of those pompous turds who has to be different? Either way, cut it out. Park normally like the rest of the world and quit being such an attention whore. It's no coincidence that people who insist on backing into a parking space are the same people who keep their stereos cranked up and their windows cracked enough that everyone can be impressed with their commitment to deafening themselves. "Look at me! I'm wild and crazy! I'm so wild and crazy I'm going to make myself deaf by age 35!"

Jackass.

Dear Smile Nazi:

I'm at the gym minding my own business when you walk by and say, in your Howdy Doody voice, "Smile!" So now I'm obligated to fake a weak smile for you, but really, I want to gut you with my car keys. I don't like what you're implying here, which is one or all of the following:

1) I'm a joyless, miserable cow who needs to lighten up.

2) You're a fun-loving saint who was put on the earth to bring happiness to the bitter and disenfranchised.

3) I desperately want to be happy and fun like you, but just don't know how to release my inner child.

Hey asshole, maybe the reason I'm not smiling is I'm in the middle of working out. What kind of goofball works out with a big dumb grin on his face? If you had walked by and I'd been smiling like a loon, you'd have thought I was dipping into Courtney Love's stash. Now you've got me doubting myself, questioning whether or not I'm too uptight. How about you bash yourself in the head with a 50 lb. dumbbell? That would make me smile.

Jackass.

33 comments:

C. said...

I since a lot of anger and frustration.. : ) Hope ya having a great day!

C.

miss kendra said...

that would make me smile too.

if he does it, take pictures.

Edge said...

Well ... you know in Oaklawn at a certain park they play 'hey man, what's up?' rodeo. They back into a spot, wait for another backer and ask, "Hey man, what's up?" and the go have gay sex. Maybe he thinks it works everywhere.

~Jef

psquared said...

Could you please post the ROTC diagram that taught you how to gut someone with your keys? I have a few people I’m looking to practice on.

Thanks
p2

nita said...

that 'smile' crap is my pet peeve. i smile a lot. often. in the car. for no reason at all. cuz i tell myself wicked funny shit in my head. but when working out, hell, i'm way too busy trying to hold in farts and random piss to smile.

next time that jackass wanders by and says 'smile', grimace and say 'bad botox'....

tfg said...

Hey, Karla. Smile.

gina said...

at least it isnt naked chick telling you to smile. now THAT would be weird.

i dispise the backing into parking spots too. wth?

rach said...

i'm so with you on the smile front. of course, i'm just a cold & bitter bitch, but you smile when you're good & ready.

and i'm sure you've got a dazzling sneer.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, there's no question about whether you're too uptight. The question is, "How much too uptight"?

A smidgeon? A bit? Some? Plenty?

GOBS!!?? More than gobs?

Poor baby.

Badger said...

I back into parking spots at my kids' school, only because the other parents are a bunch of assholes who drive like shit and it's much easier to back INTO a spot than OUT OF one up there. Although now I'm feeling all left out that no one has offered me gay sex since I've been doing this. Damn.

I'm with you on gutting the smile nazis. I was just going to use my dirty fingernails, but car keys would be better, probably.

The Bard of the Wood said...

I hate jackasses who are always telling me to smile (although I love your use of the word "jackass"...one of my favorites.) Usually when that happens I simply stare and say, "Go...AWAY." Usually they do.

The Bard of the Wood said...

And then I smile on the inside.

Anne Glamore said...

In my exercise class, not only do they command us to smile, but they expect us to sing aling to the songs!

If I wanted to sing I'd be at choir practice, not the gym.

melissa.in.london said...

My assigned parking space is RIGHT NEXT TO one of those jackasses. Our shifts end at the same time, so moron is almost ALWAYS in my way when I go to get in my car.

I think HE deserves to be gutted with car keys, since I have them handy anyway.

trisha said...

I hate the smile people.

TSB said...

The smile people aggravate the shit out of me,....

lil'bitty said...

Wait til next time you see this particular smile pusher and just before they can say anything, give them the most maniacal grin you can come up with. . . a little drool might help out too. I can almost promise I will leave you alone. I meant "they" will leave you alone. . . . um yeah. . . they not me. Sorry gotta go now, I have to get Mommy to go turn our car around.

Jessica said...

Karla, you're so adorable....

minwah said...

I always get that "smile" crap at work, when I'm in the middle of balancing a $35 million budget, or trying to find the missing genetic link.

During the most important moment in the project, when I'm hunkered down and very serious - some idiot will walk by and say, "Having a bad day? Something wrong? Keep smiling!!"

Like I'm really going to sit around with a stupid lobotomy grin on my face, while I'm CONCENTRATING, just to make this douche bag feel comfy and warm inside..get a freaking life and some self-esteem, and you won't need my "approval" of your existence with my "smile".

All of the "smile" people are Asswipes.

justacoolcat said...

I'm smiling thinking of an exercise class that commands you to smile and sing along.

Reminds me of my cult.

The backward parking sucks, but the gay sex fringe benefits are amazing.

Aitch said...

Must kill the smile nazi's. They are almost worse than the Happy Monday police!

Janet said...

There is nothing about the gym that makes me smile. Except leaving.

Carolyn said...

I was just thinking about doing a post about people who back into spaces. I just don't get it. It takes them longer to back into the space than if they just parked normally and then backed out. Aaagghhh! I hate them!

Ben said...

KB a little high strung, but that's OK; it keeps the blood pumping.

Cheers you guys.

pat said...

Dear Karla,

I would just like to say that you've hooked my friends into reading your blog. And it wasn't even like I was shamelessly pimping your site -- She just happened to start reading it, got hooked, and now wants to have your babies. And now she's trying to get her sister addicted to you, too.
So in conclusion, you should quit your job and join some type of travelling circus, becaue you, Karla Lastnameskee, are a zoo. :)

Sincerely,
Patrick

rm said...

Hey - cool blog

I agree about backing into car spaces. I recently visited a town where to park on the street by the beach you HAD to do a 60 degree back-in park. Not only is this rather tricky on a busy road when idiots from the beach like to walk straight through the spot you're backing into without looking, it's also insane.

RM

Heidi said...

You are just jealous because you can't park ass in or something.

I usually back in because the two assholes in the spots next to the available one have parked so fucked that the only way I'll be able to get out of my car without having to break the windshield is to back in thereby allowing for easier door opening action.

IncognitoJoe said...

I gotta tell you Karla...

I've been parking like that since I started to drive. My grandfather(who taught me everything I know about cars/driving) told me to back in to parking spots for once simple reason. Safety.

His idea that when driving to park, it is easier to see possible obstacles, as opposed to reversing out. Does that make sense?

I've taught my wife and children to do the same. It seems much safer to drive forward out of a parking spot.

Maybe that's just my brainwashing coming through.

kim said...

The smile thing makes me wish I were brave enough to whip out the bird to jackass "smile" sayers like that.

It gets my inner femenist's undies in a bunch too because ladies are seen as "in a mood" when without smile, while the gentlemen are typically veiwed as "deep in thought".

I did extensive research on the topic during my waitress days. From co-workers -- a non smiling, busy waitress is often asked, "what's wrong?" While the straight faced busy waiter would be asked, "what do you need?"

Don't even get me started on the,"look at that young man working so hard" over, "where is that stupid waitress?" side of things.

Maja said...

At my work they made it a rule that everyone has to reverse park. They said it's for safety reasons. I park forward sometimes just to annoy them. But it is nice to drive straight out when you start your car.

I hate those people who tell others to smile for no reason! They totally suck but I would smile if I could punch them in the face first.

Rain said...

I hate that! When someone tells me to smile. Hate it. Also a guy who works next door to us backs up in the parking space in front of our store with his big ass car. He is just off his mark enough to partially block our drive way. He also has a massive comb over! We call him Mr. Back em up.

tigger said...

Please tell me the smile nazi was NOT a gym employee. If so, you must complain and have him fired immediately. There's no excuse for being cheerful at a gym.

The back-in parker was a man. Guaranteed. It's part of testosterone. If you were to analyze the hormone, you could actually SEE the molecules for the "back-up parker."

Hippo said...

Ima readin' some dis 'er blog and I done be likin' its...

Dr. H.O. Potamus - Smile Coach