Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I'm going to end up like Axl Rose

Axl Rose used to be a nobody. Just a young kid looking for a good time, he started a nothing little rock band, hoping to score some girls and have some fun. Fast forward a few years and he was a huge star, a household name. Women were falling all over themselves for a chance at him. He was filthy rich, gorgeous, on top of the world. But then it all dried up. He blew all his money on drugs and booze, turned into a world class a-hole that no band could get along with. Now where is he? Probably crashing on some hooker's couch, digging through ashtrays in dive bars looking for cigarette butts, trying to remember at least some portion of that decade-long blackout he drifted through in the 80s.

That could be me someday. See, I've been nominated for a Best of Blogs Award. Sounds neat, right? Who wouldn't want to win an award? Well, I've got news for you: This is how it started with Axl Rose. He had his little band, he was having fun playing in the local bars and partying with the local groupies. Life was good. Then he started getting some recognition, playing bigger arenas, winning awards, til eventually he was catapulted to the highest pinnacle of stardom. That's the curse, people--stardom. It made him into a junkie, a drunk, a total prick. In the days since, he has managed to pummel his liver to a fine puree, pick off his brain cells one by one like ducks in a shooting gallery. He probably shoplifts his underwear from Goodwill now.

Is he lucky to at least have lived the glamorous life for the short time he did? Hell no! If stardom had left him alone, he'd probably have led a life of quiet mediocrity, happy enough with his little circle of friends and family. He'd have sang in his local band for a few years, then settled down with a normal job and an average nice girl. He wouldn't be where he is now, which I think we can all assume is curled up in the fetal position next to a Jack in the Box dumpster, sleeping off the fifth of cheap whiskey he drank this morning and waiting for the night shift to throw out the burgers that have sat too long under the heat lamp.

I may be just an average nobody, but I like my life. I have friends, a house, a family. I may not have all the things I want, but I have everything I need. I don't want to end up a sad tale of woe on an episode of True Hollywood Story. I can see it now: It starts innocently enough with a Best of Blogs award. Next thing you know, I'm hobnobbing with Paris Hilton, engaged to Colin Farrell. I'm photographed and interviewed at every twist and turn. Soon, rumors begin circulating that I'm immersing myself too much in the Hollywood club scene. The tabloids publish shocking photos of me passed out topless in the lobby of the Four Seasons hotel after a week-long coke binge with Michael Irvin and Pam Anderson. In an attempt to reclaim my former good-girl image, I enter rehab and write a children's book. But soon enough I'm shooting smack with Scott Weiland and going overboard on plastic surgery procedures. A scandalous home video of my sexual escapades with 50 Cent is released without my permission at about the same time my Beverly Hills mansion goes into foreclosure. Anorexia turns me into a skeletal shell of my former self, and not even a very public romance with Ellen Degeneres can salvage my career. Soon, even OJ won't be seen having dinner with me. My husband and son, abandoned by me long ago when my star was rising, have no sympathy for me now that it's all come crashing down and I've called them begging for forgiveness and a small loan.

Think I'm being dramatic? It can happen. Look at poor Axl. And if it does happen, won't it be kind of neat to be able to say you knew me back when I first started up my silly little blog, back when I was a nobody? They might even interview you for my True Hollywood Story. You can tell them what a shame it is to see how low I've sunk, and how witty and clever I used to be before the prescription painkillers got the best of me. You can tell them how you used to read my blog faithfully, before I became empty and hollow and vain, and pissed away every good thing that came my way, finally ending up a tabloid joke.

If you'd like to ensure that you have that opportunity to say you knew me when, then by all means, vote for me for Most Humorous Blog. I don't know how long voting will remain open, all I know is begins on the 10th of January. And I may not even make it that far--right now I'm just nominated (thanks, Jason, Melissa and Ally) along with lots of bloggers who couldn't possibly be as funny as me. The list will be trimmed down to 10 bloggers in each category before the voting starts. Considering the judges (whose votes will weigh more heavily than those of you mere mortals) are probably not high and drunk like my regular readers, I may not be as funny in their eyes. But as the diplomatic losers are obligated to say, it's an honor just to be nominated. Or something.

47 comments:

Some Random Girl said...

I just wrote about blog awards....

CommonWombat said...

I resfuse to believe that there isn't ALREADY a picture of you somewhere passed out topless and coke-smeared.

I look forward to the day I can proudly say "I knew her before she was a hugely rich and famous egotisctical asshole... back when she was just a regular asshole."

Just Some Gal said...

LOL Ok I can't top commonwombat's comment. I wouldn't dare try.

Congrats and you've got my vote!!

Vincent said...

Okay, so it wouldn't be so good for you, but on the plus side, reading about that descent into depravity would be unmissable for the rest of us. So stop thinking of yourself and start hitting the hard stuff. I've heard M and M addiction is where most people start. Now where's the voting form?

Crazy MomCat said...

The real question here is can you do the snakey weave and wear the do-rag as good as Axl could? Because you have to look good in the rag to be as great as he was. I bet that rag keeps his head warm next to Jack's dumpster, don't ya think?

HA! This was a classiclly funny Karla post. You are a shoe-in to win....

jon deal said...

You forgot about step 9 in your slow downward spiral: Robbing the local 7-11 and getting caught on tape.

JaeFox said...

You'll get my vote for sure.

Do you think they could have come up with better prizes? Like a spa weekend or something???/ Bloging is TOUGH!!!

JaeFox said...

BTW, if you have to submit an entry, the post office/flunking toll booth school entry is the one to dazzle them with!!

Zen Wizard said...

You HAD me at, "Getting Drunk With Pornstars."

No need for further lobbying.

FTS said...

Oh no. Karla has sold out to the mainstream. What's next? Leno? Letterman? Geraldo?

Divorced and Dealing said...

Congrats Karla

zazzafooky said...

I'm on board with the Wombat... nothing trumps it :-)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

If you win that award, I want a shout-out in your acceptance speech.

Karla said...

Congratulations on the nomination. You deserve it!

miss kendra said...

you sneaky whore!

what blog did your blog have sex with to get in on the bobs?

imean, congratulations... you totally deserve it. ;)

at the Lake said...

I guess now isn't a good time to ask if I can add you to my blogroll?

SlushTurtle said...

So sorry for the beginning of your downward spiral...my advice is to make it a good one!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Fortunately, you don't have a chance. So you will probably remain just a pure, beautiful, wonderful woman with all the appropriate accoutrements (childs, hubbies). It's too bad, in a way. I have a great visual image of you in the gutter, trying to figure out whether that thing is tinfoil or a nickel.

Heh. Hoss 1, Karla 0.

(Not heh: This is wonderfully written, kid. Nice going.)

Writer Mom said...

Please don't marry Collin Farrell.
Just watched Alexander. (shudder)

Congratulations. I'm jealous and I hate you.
Hugs and kisses.

Janet said...

Axl Rose. I love the analogy. Congrats on your nomination. I was nominated too, but I think I'm more of a dare I say, Debbie Gibson.

tfg said...

I read some of the blogs of your competition. You've got the contest in the bag.

gina said...

i was thinking more MCHammerish rather than axl rose. either /or.

Sandra said...

Yep it's all downhill from here...soon starts the shoplifting. Or worse, the infomercials.

heidi said...

Uhmmmmmm Did you just say "Good girl image?"

You are shameless and brilliantly funny

Jessica said...

Hey, I just posted about GNR and my desire to have Duff McKagan hair - what are the odds?!

I hope you win, Karla - you've got my vote. Don't get too strung out, though, 'cause after this, it's the White House, baby!

Dustin said...

Karla, I need your professional advice for somthin' briefly. Come your highness do me a favor and hit up my email when you get a chance?

and yes I'm serious...and I assure you it's brief.
thankkkk you my friend.
tri-baydt@hotmail.com

Ivy the Goober said...

hey, I'm a bigger nobody than you ever thought of being. Does that mean I would turn out worse or better than Axl Rose if I became somebody?

Ben said...

You definitely strike me as a lassie who knows where she is by "choice".

Congratulations on the nomination, that kix ass.

Cheers.

Ms. Mama said...

You crack me up!!!!

TSB said...

OOO but maybe you'll get a chance to really meet Colin, I'd take the chance just for that, and you know that he'll love ya when you're old, he tried hitting on that 70 yr old for over 2 hours. How bad could it really be?????

melissa.in.london said...

: )

Well, since I nominated you, I suppose I SHOULD vote for you...

No contest.

melissa.in.london said...

Oh, and you can stop staring at your monitor. I'm back.

Hope you weren't holding your breath, too...

Hope said...

Your escapades sound eerily similar to the interview Lindsay Lohan gave to Vanity Fair.

Carbon said...

So wait, I'm confused? Do you want my vote or not? I'd vote for ya cuz you are very funny but I just don't want you to go down such a hard road.

Hey, maybe you'll go the other way and end up forever immortalized like Elvis, Marilyn Monroe or James Dean? So, when does voting begin??? ha ha ha

Jim Turner (Genuine) said...

I've been recently seen leaving a Walgreens with a brown paper sack with a Green colored bottle of cold medicine, downing it like Mad Dog 20/20.

Rest assured we judges can sink to the lowest of levels.

Congrats.

The Jamoker said...

agree with all the rest. congrats!

hope ya win...

JustLinda said...

Gosh, it's a honor just to be a commenter for a blog that was nominated! :P

Congrats! (new to your blog, got here from Reign of Ellen).

tigger said...

Thanks for the link to the BOBs! I really enjoyed reading the other nominees for the humorous blog award. They rock!!

Sass said...

That's better than ending up like one of the members of Milli Vanilli or a member of Duran Duran.

Sara said...

I hope you win. :) You are too funny!

zazzafooky said...

...and speaking of which.

I just nominated you for most humorous blog at the Bloggies!!!

Good luck!

Rusty said...

I'm so proud that a blog I read (and howl with laughter over) is nominated for a "major award" - hopefully not a leg lamp. Congrats, Karla! Best of luck.

That said, I must go back to the Axl Rose analogy - when in God's name was he "gorgeous," as you say? He kicked ass, but damn, he's fug.

Arctic Skipper said...

Duder, you'll never end up like Axl Rose. You have much better hair. Milli Vanilli, yes. Axl, no.

Don't forget the part where you attempt to throw your drunken ass over the counter at the local McDonalds. You'll never reach the required level of shamelessness until you do!

Congrats!

Bonanza Jellybean said...

But can you sing "Sweet Child of Mine" in tighty whiteys and a flannel shirt? Just wondering. :)

the Caitlinator said...

"November Rain" came on iTunes at the EXACT moment that I started reading this post. That is eerie. How do you DO that? For that and that alone, you get my vote, Karla.

Anonymous said...

What's so funny about you cutting someone down you don't know. You are just pissed because Axl Rose would never give you the time of day. You suck.

KIPPER said...

you are so funny I forgot to laugh.
AXL ROSE RULES!