Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Dear God, if you exist and if you can hear me, please let this man roast on a spit in hell

Once, in a college writing course, my classmates and I were tasked to write a paper explaining in detail whether and why we believed human nature was basically good or basically evil. Although I don't remember all the romanticized B.S. that I used to support my stance, I do remember that I took the position that human nature was basically good. However, in light of something I came across recently, I've discovered that I've been dead wrong all along, and am now officially reversing my position.

Did you go read the link? No? You lazy prick. How did you expect to understand the rest of this post without reading the damn link? I know, I know--you rarely understand any of my unintelligible posts, and don't care to spend the next week and a half trying to unravel this one. Look, quit being difficult and just click on the link, smartass. Thanks.

I've got to hand it to the guy--if deceit is a skill, he's number one in his field. But not wearing a condom? That's really showing his commitment to not getting caught. He's willing to risk catching Exploding Penis Disease just to keep his wife from catching him cheating. That shows a level of dedication--and stupidity--unparalleled by even the most seasoned Lying Scumbag.

Here's where my dilemma comes in: I've never believed in heaven or hell, but I reallyreallyREALLY want this guy to char like a marshmallow on a stick. It's the only way I can reconcile what I've read about him. Either that, or I have to comfort myself by assuming that his wife (who we tend to assume is an innocent victim here) is, in reality, a very bad person who stomps puppies to death and mocks the handicapped, and being married to this guy is simply how karma is working its poetic justice on her.

So please, God, if you exist and if you can hear me, please let this woman be a puppy-stomping cripple-mocker, or please let this guy blacken like one of my home-cooked "meals" in the fiery pits of the hell that I now hope exists. Thank you.

43 comments:

Amerloc said...

Gee. A whole lot of below-average guys sure look good in comparison.

I knew there had to be a silver lining.

But the concern about the smell of a condom? WTF? He doesn't bother to shower?? Time to go puke.

heidi said...

I want to kick this guy in the balls or sell him into white slavery. WHat a Shmuck!

CommonWombat said...

It's like a house of cards... The more elaborate your lie is, the closer it is to collapsing, and the more spectacular the crash is. I have to believe that at some point this dude's shit will all come down on him in flames. Either he'll get the "exploding penis disease" (niiiiice.) or his wife will catch wise and have him killed. Now there's a thought.

An even better thought? While he's constantly away on his "business trips," maybe she's getting down to business at home.

Tron said...

Although it was fucked up, I had to admit he was playing a damn good game until I got to the no condom part. Honestly, that's the stupidest thing evar.

Like the wifey won't notice when her hubby gives her some anga-dangus disease??

jon deal said...

I've known a couple of women who have gotten diseases they could not get rid of from their philandering husbands.

That just ain't right.

AnonymousCoworker said...

My guess? He's making it all up some he can feel special.

miss kendra said...

he's a liar.

it sounds well thought out, but someone who has time to think up and keep doing 14 steps for something like that clearly doesn't have time to be with 10 women as well.

he's probably jiggling his fat rolls in his momma's basement somewhere.

justacoolcat said...

If in fact this is real, I think we all agree on what gift we'd like one of his mistresses to give him.

Since it's probably not real I'd like to answer this posed question
"Have I forgotten anything?"
Yes, imagination.
We already have a Postsecret. It's pretty cool.

justacoolcat said...

err, on second thought, after reading a few more posts on the site it's kind of like reading a train wreck.
The first post "An Affair With an Older Woman" is really quite touching.
I quote
"so everytime i smell that sweet perfume or an older more mature female"

I don't even know where to start.

melissa.in.london said...

What a skeeze. I agree with Kendra. He's lying. It's doubtful to me that that big of an asshole could land a woman, let alone marry one.

Anonymous said...

I think the guy is telling the truth. In American, he may not have a chance in hell, but in Japan, very possible. There's no doubt about it though - this retard is gonna rot in hell for sure.

lil'bitty said...

Some people should be beaten with a latex bat until they can't get no satisfaction baby and see if that can be traced by the smell of it - oh i can't believe some moron would actually - who does he think he's - foul filth and filth and foul - that guy is probably telling the truth - stupid euro trash using sheltered japanese women as pawns in his perverted std roulette game. Great this is the society that I get to grow up in. . . . well, maybe not THE society. Japan and the US are not exactly the same in culture and such. But it's the same ballpark. I could thow this dude out a window.

lil'bitty said...

that should have been throw, but now I kinda like the gangsta style thow better.

RitMeyer said...

Karma's a bitch and this guy deserves worse than hell. I hope he doesn't give his wife anything.

CoolChic said...

He probably has a teeny-weeny, so he feels the need to sleep with a bunch of women to make up for his penis woes!

JamesO said...

The word scumbag springs to mind here. I kind of hope that whilst he's busy screwing his way round Japan, his wife's entertaining a number of Gaijin clients of her own. Imagine the scene - he finds a new 'mistress' on an internet chatroom. They arrange to meet at a sleazy hotel in downtown Shibuya. He get's there first, sets everything up. There's a discreet knock at the door and... 'Hey honey, what you doin' here?'

Either that or his dick should fall off.

Zen Wizard said...

Okay, yeah: He's slime,

But what IS it with you females and foreigners??

They are thinking the same stupid stuff WE are, they just don't know how to communicate it yet, so they keep their mouth shut!!

(Misinterpretation: "Jacque is so MYSTERIOUS!")

Do I need to carry one of those "I am a deaf-mute"-cards, or something??

Deranged Doctor said...

You know what? I totally agree with everyone here, rot in hell, scumbag, all that.
But what gets me the most? "The wifey."
"The wifey."

The Jamoker said...

I agree with the others who said he's prolly lying. There's no way he can keep up all the appearances at home, have a job, and get busy with ten different lovers...no way...no one has that kind of stamina, not even the Euros...

tfg said...

It sounds like utter bullshit to me.

Neil said...

Sorry. Even if his wife is the biggest asshole in the world, he's one also.

Elizabeth said...

This guy really torks my jowls!

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Some people are just sad.
Poor excuse for a fellow human being...

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

What an asshole. I'm sure he'll get his someday. What goes around really does come around. Sheesh.

Ivy the Goober said...

Human nature IS basically good, KB... (I just nicknamed you KB, partly cuz i'm drinkin' and partly cuz i'm lazy - but maybe i'm not the first to do either - get drunk or name you KB) anyways, this guy (and a few others I know) is going to burninhell, and I DO believe there's a hell.

o crapamoli, i cant even get past the word verification thingy

Rusty said...

I call bullshit on the guy, mainly because I hope there isn't anyone that incredibly stupid and self-centered on earth (although I realize I'm wrong on that one) and also because I think his 14 "rules" are way too many to remember and keep up all the time. Commonwombat is right...he's going to get caught, and his life is going to go down the tubes. Thank God...he deserves it! That bastard is definitely burning in hell, which I believe in, thankfully, after hearing about crap like this.

elcapitanhink said...

I don't buy it for second. In fact, I'd wager that he's a henpecked cuckold who gets off fantasizing about having the balls to cheat.

Fantasies are thusly complex; reality is rarely so compliant.

gina said...

wow Karla. as clever as your posts are, your commenters really have a way with words too.
Way to go , fellow commenters of Karla's blog- i agree with what ya said.

a fish on a bycicle said...

my God, he exists, truly exists? It can't be true, surely he's some Quixotic figure in reality, 96 years old with a bladder problem and varicose veins....

Ben said...

There must have been a French Figure Skating judge on the awards panel.

Cheers KB!

It's Me, Maven... said...

The whole thing was distressing; however, this is what I found MOST distressing:

...12. I never use a condom. The smell of latex or rubber can be traced, and also the rubbers are difficult to hide. In Japan most women don’t care if you use a condom or not, and many of my women will actually say that it feels better without it.

Apparently this guy thinks that STDs don't exist in Japan?

This made me ill to read.

lil'bitty said...

I asked my Daddy about the possibility of this scenario, and he said it is entirely possible with the culture and societal roles that are predominant in Japan. He spent a couple months over there over the years, so he is familiar with thte culture and such. It may be that this guy is full of it, but he may be lrgit. So. .. . someone needs to go to Japan and pose as a mistress in one of the chat rooms until they come across this guy, spend a couple of months gaining his DNA and trust and then when a large enough portfolio of his transgressions has been compiled, entice him into the an abandonded fish warehouse and have some ninjas kick the crap out of him as his wife does um. . . who ever it is that volunteered to do this. Karla? Need a vacation and some gratuitous violence?

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

What a scumbag. Unbelieveable.

The Bard of the Wood said...

What a load of crap. This is some of the funniest hoo-ha bull-jiving I've read in a while.
But if it's true, this guy is the lowest of the low. Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon track.

Writer Mom said...

As the 35th visitor, nothing new to say. Just thought I'd share...
Jameso's comment put The Pina Colada Song into my head.

Go here when you get the time:

http://home.att.net/~e.zeiser/lyrics/
pina_colada_song.htm

Now don't you feel better?

mrhaney said...

well karla i have gone to your link and i have to say that this guy is a scum bag. that is about the best thing i can say about him. why is this guy married in the first place. how he can deceive his wife time after time and then go home and not even feel guilty about it. what a shame.

Lyvvie said...

ARG!!

I'll join you in the weiner roast. He's foul!! I can't imagine all those women are agreeable to not having him wear a condom, it's outrageous!!

I'm wondering what the HIV/AIDS stats are in Japan now....

I hope he does get exploding penis disease. I don't think the mistresses will find his stubby member as pleasurable.

Mel & Seigo said...

Karla,

As you know, I'm living over here in Japan and I'd like to say I'm shocked...but I can't.

Foreign men get up to a whole lot of stuff over here that they'd never be game to (or allowed to) in their home countries.

I know a man who does the same kind of things and thinks nothing of it. His wife knows about it and just asks that he uses protection...which he doesn't.

It's a sad but common story over here with a large % of women preferring to ignore their (Japanese and foreign) husband's bad behaviour to 'keep the peace' and their comfortable married lifestyle.

Just one of the many frustrating things about living in this beautiful country :)

minwah said...

This happens in America, to American women. My boyfriend was this person, EXACTLY. Except, it didn't come out until he died of a heart attack at 37. He didn't use condoms, either - and had 6 illegitimate children he could have cared less about.

After he died I found out he had a wife (we were together 2 years!!), about 12 girlfriends of anywhere from 2 to 9 years (he'd been married for 9 years, but dating the woman for over 17 years) and SCORES (around 150) of "internet" relationships. Some of the women who had dated him for years didn't even know his real name. He belonged to sex swinger clubs, and often had one night stands, as well. He slept with people in hotels, in his wife's bed, in his State issued vehicle - wherever.

His job - Narcotics Detective. SO, he was well trained on how to fool others, I suppose. We lived in different cities, but he worked in my city. I would see him every day, and he would stay over about 5 times a month. He told me he wasn't married, and had no other women in his life - except his Mom. LOLOLOL! I even tried some low-key detective work - but his shit was locked down like Fort Knox. I never found anything.

When he died, bitches came out of the woodwork like PSYCHOS!!! On top of that, there was the unknown wife. Not a good situation - but I've moved on and now I wear heart armour all the time!!

Guys like this get what they deserve, and my former asshole boyfriend is a good example. "The Wages of Sin is Death". Thank you Lord!

Zen Render said...

Looks like BS to me. Too many of his "aren't I smart" tips just wouldn't work on a day to day basis.
I'm one of those people that walks through the security gates and the video store and my brain instantly starts going "So, if I were to kick a case across the floor or toss it through, would the alarm still go off?" I do this NOT because I'm interested in stealing videos instead of renting them for $3.50 (and then paying $27.98 in late charges), but because my brain just sees security as a puzzle to be solved, or a toy that needs to be properly assembled.

This guy's toys aren't totally assembled.

His whole premise is that European folks in Japan get laid automatically. Most folks avoid you like the big-nosed giraffe you appear to be while you're in Japan. It's not like you wouldn't stick out in a crowd, which makes it kinda hard to have a quiet/secret dinner with the lady from the coffee shop.
He goes out often to buy ink cartridges? Hello? We're supposed to believe he's a successful salaryman who owns an INKJET PRINTER in the most technologically advanced country on the planet? Riiiiiight.

I just felt like his whole "article" was going to turn down the "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me," road any moment.

Oh, and Google thinks he'll get HIV (the GoogleAd, when I read the article was something about "How to Avoid Becoming HIV Positive",) so there IS a God, and God uses crawler bots.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see everyone thinks this guy is nasty. Men and women agree for once.

I just went back there to check on the comments and a woman has posted a response of sorts. Not sure why she'd bother. Why draw attention to the fact that you are a cheater. Proud?

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot, Zen Render. You've made too many incorrect assumptions about Japan.

1. Europeans DO automatically get laid while in Japan. You're right that foreigners are avoided and looked down upon, but it makes no difference when it comes to sex. Think about foreigners in Japan as you'd think about a black man in the average white American suburb: all the girls want a piece, but none of them want to take him home.

2. This guy isn't going to cafes, and he isn't taking these girls out. He's going straight to a "love hotel". In Japan, they've got these love hotels set up everywhere. Pull up, rent a room for an hour or two, excrete, clean up, and leave. These hotels are often built with annonymity in mind -- parking stalls have big gates, rooms might have rear exits, etc. The theme rooms provide good fun even for properly married and state-sanctioned couples, so give 'em a peek.

3. What's wrong with an inkjet printer? They're perfect for Japan. Small, plastic, easily disposed. What's the alternative, a giant laser printer? Clearly, you've never seen the size of the average Japanese home. Where do you think all of those "obsolete" inkjet printers are designed?

The article may be BS, but his exploits are certainly possible here in Tokyo. He's nonetheless a sicko, either way. We need to bring back the Catherine Wheel for guys like this.

Anonymous said...

He's my hero.