Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Not many people can start a story with, "That reminds me of the time my mom had crabs...."

I know all you seafood fans enjoyed the Two-For-One Crab Special I ran back in August. If you missed it, I encourage you to go back and check it out, if for no other reason than its uplifting, spiritual message. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll douse your home in Raid.

But if you're in the mood for some more crab, I have it for you here. This one comes from my friend Joe, and it involves his parents. And yes, it is 100% true. You can't make this shit up.

Joe was attending college, but was home for the weekend to visit friends, and to support the local liquor stores. Apparently his parents were out of town, so at some point in the booze-filled evening, he and his comrades took the party to his parents' house, where his cousin Henry ended up romancing some lady of dubious moral character in Joe's parents' bed. (Note to self: Never, ever leave town after Jake reaches puberty.)

Why wouldn't Joe's bed have been the natural choice? We may never know. Perhaps the vomit present on that item of furniture was distasteful to the questionable lady in question. Perhaps there were four nearly comatose alcoholics already peacefully napping there. Perhaps the tipsy couple were unable to locate Joe's bed, or perhaps they thought there were in Joe's bed. Either way, the deed was done--probably very sloppily--and Joe returned to his college life after the weekend of fun and frolic and displaced fornication.

Sometime during the following week, Joe received a panicked phone call from his father back home. Joe's mom was accusing his dad of cheating on her because she found herself with a case of crabs--which, naturally, would send up a red flag to any thinking woman. Dad's flustered reply of, "Well, I didn't give them to you; you must have picked them up from sitting on something," was not going over well with her. A divorce, and possibly a fatal stab wound, was imminent unless some hasty detective work could produce a more acceptable explanation for the sudden panty invasion. It didn't take a genius to know the investigation should begin with Joe.

Joe called cousin Henry, cousin Henry was forced to reluctantly call Mom and claim responsibility for the crab infestation, and probably to apologize very, very profusely and sincerely and repeatedly for having the bad judgment to use their marital bed for the site of one of his STD-collecting expeditions. Dad was removed from the Shit List, at least for the time being, and Joe was left with the rare distinction of being able to say he was at least partially at fault for his mom getting crabs. And Henry, I assume, was off to the nearest pharmacy.

And they all lived happily ever after.

36 comments:

seeingdouble said...

Thank you ffor the best laugh I've had in a while. That's priceless!! And gross. Ewwwww.

skigil said...

nice!

jules said...

That is freaking hilarious!

HizzleThizzle said...

OMG! Im never leaving my kids alone in my house after this.

The Bard of the Wood said...

That's just...wrong. On SO many levels that I haven't yet reached them all.
Outstanding story.

justacoolcat said...

Ahhh yes, the "rare distinction" of being able to claim atleast partial fault for mom getting crabs.

You wacky wacky Texans . . .

I'll bet they were actually the size of lobsters.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"...happily ever after." Even the crabs?

Crazy MomCat said...

That was hysterical. Thank you for 1> making me feel like the most boring person alive because I've never come close to infestation and b> making me forget that this has been a shitty night with my son who is acting like a T-U-R-D.

anne arkham said...

That's almost beautiful.

at the Lake said...

Texas Lobster Crabs! Hilarious!

Heidi said...

hahahahahahhhaaaaa

Malnurtured Snay said...

Wow.

rach said...

there are things you just don't want to know about your parents, and the fact that your mom's got crabs is one of those things.

but dammit, you can't beat a good crab story.

gina said...

YIKES!!!!!! but hilarious.

tfg said...

Nothin' says lovin' like some Old Bay on the oven.

browser58 said...

What a great story. My son lives with me, I must remember to get a lock for my bedroom before my next vacation.

Lyvvie said...

I agree with the Bard, it's wrong..just so wrong!

Can I borrow that for a novel I'm writing?

Have I mentioned I have blog envy? Well I do.

bornfool said...

If someone had given Dad a heads up, he could have taken mom to a barn for a roll in the hay....

melissa.in.london said...

Mother of all that is holy...

The old post was hilarious, but this one was much better! My coworkers now think I'm crazy (yet again) because I choked on my water, snickering the whole time.

"...and Joe was left with the rare distinction of being able to say he was at least partially at fault for his mom getting crabs."

Dying lauging. I am. Really.

Amanda said...

oh lordy...it's the stuff of family folklore. love it.

Mrs. Ca said...

Wow...that is definitely a hillarious story. Who knows what some people are thinking when they do certain, stupid things.

Katrina said...

That is so funny I think I peed a little bit.

AnonymousCoworker said...

This is funny because in Maryland we eat crabs. We don't put them in our beds.

Just Some Gal said...

I think I'll have to assume the same attitude as you, when my boy reaches puberty...

God...that is too funny but horridly disgusting!!

Writer Mom said...

I'd like to thank Dora the Explorer for teaching my children at a young age that crabs are to be avoided.
"Crabs! Crabs! Crabs!"
"Can you help us take the path that doesn't have crabs?"--says Dora.
"Yes!" my children say in unison.
Whew.

Very brave post!
I could never write it.
Family members would realize my hubby broke patient/doctor privilege.
To his defense, I already knew.
*When getting a cleaning, you don't have to tell your son EVERYTHING that happened in the seventies.
(I will deny I ever wrote this comment.)

miss kendra said...

those must have been super crabs to survive just hanging out in the bed.

are you sure that dad didn't just let henry take the fall?

Anonymous said...

From the CDC:
Pubic lice are usually spread through sexual contact. Rarely, infestation can be spread through contact with an infested person's bed linens, towels, or clothes.

http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dpd/parasites/lice/factsht_pubic_lice.htm

karla said...

Good to know. I may beat the odds, then, if I ever do leave town after Jake reaches puberty.

Arctic Skipper said...

Heh . . . this would have been good information for me to have several years ago when I let my best friend lure her crush into my parents' bed . . . looks like I dodged a bullet with that one! (And I let her do that - does that make me a bad person??)

a fish on a bycicle said...

see!!!

and you can pick up nsu's from toilet seats too!

ps the deed is done, I am your toy, and posted back on my site - though to be honest I think my hair looked better when I just cut lumps out of it.

a fish on a bycicle said...

can you lip read?

It's just two words...

The Bard of the Wood said...

I was on eBay tonight and for some reason when I saw this item I thought to myself "Karla must own this."
http://cgi.ebay.com/Biohazard-Zippo-Lighter-New-in-Box_W0QQitemZ6245536352QQcategoryZ952QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

sarcastic journalist said...

That is awesome. I just want to know what Henry got as a Christmas present that year.

a fish on a bycicle said...

by which I meant, obviously, "fat chance"....although I do know a shark. But I don't think that my ex is likely to lend me any of her body parts.

Kiki said...

I'm convinced that you know the most freakin hilarious stories!!

Edge said...

This is just proof to my theory that shavin' the pubes is a good thing!

I had a girlfriend that got crabs while she was at school. Always questioned how she got them. She claimed they were in the bed ... ( silence ) I'm sure it had something to do with the bed.