Sunday, March 12, 2006
I have this weird and funky little dresser that I bought years ago from a catalogue. I wanted it because it had drawers which swung out to the side, rather than coming straight at you like most drawers, which I thought was cool and unusual. I might have been drunk at the time. I think the catalogue billed it as a lingerie dresser, but I imagine the only people who have enough lingerie to fill an entire dresser are hookers, strippers, Vegas showgirls and Mariah Carey (who seems to be a combination of the all three). Since I'm not any of those (anymore), I figured I'd use the dresser for socks and underwear. Actually, most people don't have enough socks and underwear to fill an entire dresser, either, so I wasn't sure exactly what I'd use it for, but I felt I had to have it. It cost a few hundred bucks, and I later discovered it was kind of a waste of money.

For one thing, the funky side-swinging square drawers are only hinged by one corner, which is part of the supposed coolness, but it also means there's really nothing to keep them in place when they're pushed in (in the "closed" position), so they're likely to swing back out at will if your floor isn't perfectly level...which mine isn't, since I live in a treehouse built by gnomes. Owing to my redneck roots, I attempted to solve the problem by attaching little velcro squares to the backs of the drawers so they'd stay closed. As you can imagine, this was a silly idea. You can see the black velcro when the drawers are open, which looks pretty ghetto. Not a huge deal since the drawers are mostly closed, not open, but there's also the problem that if you put anything silky in the drawers, it's likely to get snagged on the velcro, which sort of ruins it. And the truth is, really, it's way easier to toss all your undies into one big, normal dresser drawer instead of having to divide your collection among several smaller drawers. At any rate, I've kept this goofy little dresser for years out of sheer stubbornness. I figured I just had to have it, I ordered it, I paid for it, and damnit, I'm using it. Kinda like I'm punishing myself for my bad impulse purchase.

This stubbornness was all well and good before Jake came along. Now that I have a 1-year-old, I've discovered what millions of mommies before me have known for years: Toddlers derive unparalleled joy from emptying out drawers. Brian has put cabinet and drawer locks on the cabinets and drawers throughout our house which contain things that might potentially maim or impale Jake, but we've left open a few of the ones that contain harmless items, so he can get his jollies by tossing the contents out onto the floor for us to pick up several hundred times a day. He has three drawers in the kitchen he has access to (filled mostly with tupperware, measuring spoons, etc.), one in each bathroom (filled mostly with towels, brushes, etc.), and all of the ones in his bedroom (filled mostly with clothes and blankets). The ones in our bedroom that contain our clothes are a non-issue, since they are heavy dresser drawers which are impossible for him to open at this age. That is, except for my Cambodian sweatshop-produced lingerie dresser.

The contents of my so-called lingerie dresser have always been as such: The drawers on the left side contain socks and the drawers on the right contain panties. Colored socks are in the top few left-hand drawers, and white socks are in bottom few. Regular panties are in the top few right-hand drawers, and thong panties are in the bottom few. Jake can't reach the top drawers, but he's at the perfect height for the bottom ones.

There's no good explanation for why we have a random, ugly, kitchen-type chair sitting in our bedroom, but we do, and it so happens that it kind of blocks Jake from getting into my sock drawers on the left side of the dresser. But the thong panties in the bottom right side of the dresser are at his mercy. At any given moment, I am likely to stumble upon an array of scattered thong panties littering my bedroom floor, like breadcrumb-type trail left by a kidnapped stripper hoping to be rescued. But since everything that Jake tosses onto the floor is first shoved in his mouth, that means he snacks on my thongs for a bit before discarding them. He's the little perv in mid-panty raid:

Judging by the look of joy on his face, I have to assume these things are pretty tasty. Well, and judging by the rave reviews of truckers all over the U.S. as well. But how do they fit into Jake's diet?

His pediatrician spouted a lot of babble about how he's supposed to get so many servings of veggies, milk, candy, and processed spreadable cheese each day. I don't recall exactly what he said, but I think he said a "serving" should be about the size of his head, and he should get 19 servings a day of Hormel products, 4 servings a day of Hershey's products, and 8 servings a day of microwavable items. He didn't mention thongs. How do I factor this into his diet? Can I microwave them and put them into the last category? Someone please advise me; I know a child's diet is a very important thing, and I take my responsibilities seriously.

In the meantime, I have a free lingerie dresser for anyone who wants to come pick it up. I'll even throw in a few pairs of saliva-coated thong panties.


That photo will come in handy for future blackmail purposes.

I wouldn't mind having a taste of your panties either...preferably while you're still wearing them.
this is just weird on so many levels.
I luv it...

seriously though...that dresser is atrocious.
I wasn't going to take the dresser until you threw in the saliva-coated thong panties.

There is something so “Greek Tragedy” about this. But don’t listen to me – I’m am just part of the chorus trying to mislead you. Or should you listen to me???
That is one ugly-ass dresser.
1. I can hear the stampede from Google based on what that post must look like to a bot (and we all look forward to what your top search keywords are, btw).

2. Put the whole dresser, and its contents on Ebay.

3. Put a coin-op slot on one side, and a plexiglass front on it, and ship the whole thing to Japan. *Millions,* I tell ya. Millions.

4. Are the truckers talking about yours, or theirs?

5. It's not that it happens, it's that you run to get the camera *before* you do anything about it.
If thong panties are in the food pyramid - what would fellatio be? I care about your babies diet - but what about mine? And yours?!! I hope its not fattening.

I'm pretty sure most guys will say its not.

How do you come up with these posts? I always draw a blank.
Okay, it may be cute now, but under no circumstances should you EVER show Jake that photo later in life. Chewing on your mom's panties is that special kind of fucked up that makes kids grow into serial axe murderers. Tell him nothing about his mom-panty munching ways. Even if, at age 18, he burps up a Fruit-of-the-Loom tag, just pretend you have NO idea where it came from. Trust me on this. If I was shown a picture of my younger self chowing down on my mom's undies, I'd experience a full-body horror shudder and throw myself off the nearest cliff.

Also, there's an obvious joke about how your panties fit into the "spreadable cheese" part of Jake's diet, but I'm showing restraint today. You're welcome.
lmao. nothing better than weird, paradoxical situations to brighten my day. thx.
:) He looks like he is having such a good time! Too funny.
Karla, this is soooo wrong, so so so so wrong, but hysterical!!!! You have no need to save for college, you'll have blown all the money on therapy by the time he's 17.
Well, you finally did it, Karla - you managed to feature your underwear in a blog post. Congratulations.
I keep thinking of the name Oedipus, but I can't really figure out why...
you really opened it up for perverts on this one.

i'm sure that the saliva coated undies are a real selling poing on the internets.
ROFL opened it up for the perverts indeed!! ROFL>
Ok so let me get this straight. You attempted to keep the kid from crawling on any thing dirty so he could remain germ free, but you let him chew on your panties, and god knows where those things have been. Very interesting Karla, very interesting.
B. Carson (otherwise knowns as my niece Brandy): Who says I attempt to keep him from crawling on anything dirty? When you're here for your upcoming visit, I'll let him sit on your lap, and that's proof that I'm not a germphobe.

(Whoa, a zinger! Thank you, I'll be here all week!)
Definitely heed the advice of commonwombat. I can already hear Stone Philips' voice: "And then Jake's life took a turn for the worse. At his 18th birthday, Jake's mother showed him this picture from his youth. Things would never . . . be the same."
He is going to LOVE it when you show that picture to his girlfriends say about 15 years from now! It's a keeper!
1) That dresser is quite possibly the fugliest piece of furniture I have ever seen.

2) Thong panties are not part of the food pyramid, but when he gets all his teeth, he can use them as floss. The money you save on dental work can go into the therapy fund.
Why is everyone so angry at the dresser? Dressers have feelings too... Ok, maybe they don't, but my point remains: STOP PICKING ON KARLA'S DRESSER.

We should respect all things that are different, not point out their flaws and call them ugly (allowances exist for Chris Tucker). This is not simply a cabinet with freakish rotational drawers which we have the right to mock; it's a dresser with a disability -- one which we should support... Possibly with little pieces of folded up cardboard, so that the shelves don't swing out and go all wonky.

Thank you.
Wow, I never thought I'd see a random slam of Chris Tucker focusing on his looks.

Photographs are a tool of the devil used by parents to embarrass their kids later in life
He's just practicing. He'll get it right one day.

Those dresser drawers look about right for CD/DVD storage, though (except Jake wouldn't be near as embarassed down the road to be seen chewing on a CD).
another belly laugh! thanks!
You MUST have been stoned when you bought that dresser. That looks like something used for hatching eggs on Planet Ork or something.

As for what food group the thongs belong in...can't process...too many options...must stop now...

This post made me laugh out loud. And I needed that.
Fiber. A thong a day will keep him regular.
Your mistake was buying a treehouse built by gnomes.

Everyone knows that elf-built treehouses are far superior and always up to code.
Have you never heard of edible panties?
That's hilarious.

Just wait until he finds your pads and tampons. I came home one day and I see my hubby with a big box of pads putting them all back into the box cuz the little one emptied it EVERYWHERE. Hilarious.
Do those thongs make his head look fat?
Reading this story makes me feel somewhat less alone. When I was 2-3 years of age, I was forever banished from sleeping with my parents (hey, it was the late 60s, early 70s), when mom got up to go to the bathroom, only to return to see my little 2-3 year old hand wrapped around my soundly-sleeping dad's shween... a three year old death grip as it were... and if you hear her tell the story... I was cutting a tooth, and she claims I was poised *AS IF* I were going to um..... well you can fill in the blank!
Panties go under the fiber category, but pediatricians don't like to advertise that. You know, embarassment over discussing panties, etc.
Somebody please save that child! The number of problems he will likely have later in life are becoming too great. It makes it so I can hardly look at your thongs.

And, yes, what were you thinking when you bought that dresser??
Okay. Nugget Maven wins. Next post please.
Too funny!
Happy St. Paddy's Day KB

The boy needs his fiber!
Let this be a lesson, always wear your panties! You took them off one night, and now look what happend.
Oh Karla..children will do anything. I guess he likes the taste. He wouldn't put it in his mouth if it tasted horrible.
Question: "How can you ladies (and some men) wear thong underwear? The whole idea of having that string up you bahama must be irritating as HELL!
I don't have any children so I only know the joys of my friends who do.
Lynda too her son to the salon for a haircut. He was about three. When the beautician got the blow dryer the lad call out: "Time for the blow job!"
John Balone
In Search for a food pyramid to tell me how to feed my weaning 1 year old I ran across this and (I have been online searching the most boring nutrition articles) I have tears streaming from laughing so hard because I know to the humor/horror of your son chewing on your panties and you wonder if you should photograph the moment to show to future girlfriends or quietly pretend it didn't happen ... Thank you for making my night

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