Sunday, March 12, 2006
I have this weird and funky little dresser that I bought years ago from a catalogue. I wanted it because it had drawers which swung out to the side, rather than coming straight at you like most drawers, which I thought was cool and unusual. I might have been drunk at the time. I think the catalogue billed it as a lingerie dresser, but I imagine the only people who have enough lingerie to fill an entire dresser are hookers, strippers, Vegas showgirls and Mariah Carey (who seems to be a combination of the all three). Since I'm not any of those (anymore), I figured I'd use the dresser for socks and underwear. Actually, most people don't have enough socks and underwear to fill an entire dresser, either, so I wasn't sure exactly what I'd use it for, but I felt I had to have it. It cost a few hundred bucks, and I later discovered it was kind of a waste of money.
For one thing, the funky side-swinging square drawers are only hinged by one corner, which is part of the supposed coolness, but it also means there's really nothing to keep them in place when they're pushed in (in the "closed" position), so they're likely to swing back out at will if your floor isn't perfectly level...which mine isn't, since I live in a treehouse built by gnomes. Owing to my redneck roots, I attempted to solve the problem by attaching little velcro squares to the backs of the drawers so they'd stay closed. As you can imagine, this was a silly idea. You can see the black velcro when the drawers are open, which looks pretty ghetto. Not a huge deal since the drawers are mostly closed, not open, but there's also the problem that if you put anything silky in the drawers, it's likely to get snagged on the velcro, which sort of ruins it. And the truth is, really, it's way easier to toss all your undies into one big, normal dresser drawer instead of having to divide your collection among several smaller drawers. At any rate, I've kept this goofy little dresser for years out of sheer stubbornness. I figured I just had to have it, I ordered it, I paid for it, and damnit, I'm using it. Kinda like I'm punishing myself for my bad impulse purchase.
This stubbornness was all well and good before Jake came along. Now that I have a 1-year-old, I've discovered what millions of mommies before me have known for years: Toddlers derive unparalleled joy from emptying out drawers. Brian has put cabinet and drawer locks on the cabinets and drawers throughout our house which contain things that might potentially maim or impale Jake, but we've left open a few of the ones that contain harmless items, so he can get his jollies by tossing the contents out onto the floor for us to pick up several hundred times a day. He has three drawers in the kitchen he has access to (filled mostly with tupperware, measuring spoons, etc.), one in each bathroom (filled mostly with towels, brushes, etc.), and all of the ones in his bedroom (filled mostly with clothes and blankets). The ones in our bedroom that contain our clothes are a non-issue, since they are heavy dresser drawers which are impossible for him to open at this age. That is, except for my Cambodian sweatshop-produced lingerie dresser.
The contents of my so-called lingerie dresser have always been as such: The drawers on the left side contain socks and the drawers on the right contain panties. Colored socks are in the top few left-hand drawers, and white socks are in bottom few. Regular panties are in the top few right-hand drawers, and thong panties are in the bottom few. Jake can't reach the top drawers, but he's at the perfect height for the bottom ones.
There's no good explanation for why we have a random, ugly, kitchen-type chair sitting in our bedroom, but we do, and it so happens that it kind of blocks Jake from getting into my sock drawers on the left side of the dresser. But the thong panties in the bottom right side of the dresser are at his mercy. At any given moment, I am likely to stumble upon an array of scattered thong panties littering my bedroom floor, like breadcrumb-type trail left by a kidnapped stripper hoping to be rescued. But since everything that Jake tosses onto the floor is first shoved in his mouth, that means he snacks on my thongs for a bit before discarding them. He's the little perv in mid-panty raid:
Judging by the look of joy on his face, I have to assume these things are pretty tasty. Well, and judging by the rave reviews of truckers all over the U.S. as well. But how do they fit into Jake's diet?
His pediatrician spouted a lot of babble about how he's supposed to get so many servings of veggies, milk, candy, and processed spreadable cheese each day. I don't recall exactly what he said, but I think he said a "serving" should be about the size of his head, and he should get 19 servings a day of Hormel products, 4 servings a day of Hershey's products, and 8 servings a day of microwavable items. He didn't mention thongs. How do I factor this into his diet? Can I microwave them and put them into the last category? Someone please advise me; I know a child's diet is a very important thing, and I take my responsibilities seriously.
In the meantime, I have a free lingerie dresser for anyone who wants to come pick it up. I'll even throw in a few pairs of saliva-coated thong panties.
Labels: The Karlababble Household