Have you ever met one of those people who has a tendency to speak too bluntly? You know what I'm talking about, one of those people who could use a polite word in a given situation, but instead choose to use an inflammatory and needlessly derogatory one. Someone who, for instance:

People always claim they want to be dealt with honestly, but that's actually the direct opposite of what they want. What they really want is to be lied to in the most flattering way possible. If a friend says, "I want you to promise to be totally, 100% honest with me: Do you think I'm (insert defamatory adjective here)?" The right answer is never, ever, EVER "Well, yes, maybe just a little." An answer like that will unleash a chain of events which will end with you laying bloody and disemboweled with a garden utensil protruding from one of your nostrils. The only acceptable answer in such a situation is, "Oh, for God's sake, where do you come up with this stuff? Don't be ridiculous! You're not the slightest bit (insert defamatory adjective here)...unless, of course, you want to be (insert defamatory adjective here). In which case, you totally are! And I find it incredibly refreshing!"

I have a tendency to be too blunt with people. When I'm yammering thoughtlessly away on a given topic, I just come right out with the strongest word possible, rather than taking a second to think of a more diplomatic word. People who love me must have grown to love me in spite of this trait. Other people probably find me to be a total jackass with a tiny, dried-up heart the size of a thumbtack. You know who you are.

But I'm no sissy--I can dish it out, and I can take it. I don't get many opportunities to prove this, because people tend to avoid taking shots at me, possibly out of fear. But I want to prove it to you now. So go ahead, say that awful thing you're thinking about me. I can take it. No matter how blunt you are, how undiplomatic, how rude and out-of-line, I will take it in stride. I will not look up your ISP address, track you down and set your house ablaze while you sleep inside. Seriously.

Do you think I'm as dumb as a bag of hammers? Ugly as a sumo wrestler in a Girl Scout uniform? Think I have a beak like a toucan and an ass like an old man in an adult diaper? Think I'm so fat that when I wear a red dress, people yell "Hey, Koolaid!"? Think I have the morals of a sorority girl and the personality of half a can of Spam? Well, this is your chance to get it off your chest.

So come on, hit me with your best shot.

Labels: The internet: A complex maze of literary sewage pipes

Posted by karla @ 3:49 PM