Friday, March 24, 2006

Hit me with your best shot.

Have you ever met one of those people who has a tendency to speak too bluntly? You know what I'm talking about, one of those people who could use a polite word in a given situation, but instead choose to use an inflammatory and needlessly derogatory one. Someone who, for instance:



People always claim they want to be dealt with honestly, but that's actually the direct opposite of what they want. What they really want is to be lied to in the most flattering way possible. If a friend says, "I want you to promise to be totally, 100% honest with me: Do you think I'm (insert defamatory adjective here)?" The right answer is never, ever, EVER "Well, yes, maybe just a little." An answer like that will unleash a chain of events which will end with you laying bloody and disemboweled with a garden utensil protruding from one of your nostrils. The only acceptable answer in such a situation is, "Oh, for God's sake, where do you come up with this stuff? Don't be ridiculous! You're not the slightest bit (insert defamatory adjective here)...unless, of course, you want to be (insert defamatory adjective here). In which case, you totally are! And I find it incredibly refreshing!"

I have a tendency to be too blunt with people. When I'm yammering thoughtlessly away on a given topic, I just come right out with the strongest word possible, rather than taking a second to think of a more diplomatic word. People who love me must have grown to love me in spite of this trait. Other people probably find me to be a total jackass with a tiny, dried-up heart the size of a thumbtack. You know who you are.

But I'm no sissy--I can dish it out, and I can take it. I don't get many opportunities to prove this, because people tend to avoid taking shots at me, possibly out of fear. But I want to prove it to you now. So go ahead, say that awful thing you're thinking about me. I can take it. No matter how blunt you are, how undiplomatic, how rude and out-of-line, I will take it in stride. I will not look up your ISP address, track you down and set your house ablaze while you sleep inside. Seriously.

Do you think I'm as dumb as a bag of hammers? Ugly as a sumo wrestler in a Girl Scout uniform? Think I have a beak like a toucan and an ass like an old man in an adult diaper? Think I'm so fat that when I wear a red dress, people yell "Hey, Koolaid!"? Think I have the morals of a sorority girl and the personality of half a can of Spam? Well, this is your chance to get it off your chest.

So come on, hit me with your best shot.

36 comments:

miss kendra said...

i think you're the hugest pat robertson-loving conservative republican i've ever read.

miss kendra said...

also, i'm pretty sure the funny stuff on here comes from a ghost writer named something like "wommon combat."

Dave Morris said...

Your pubes grow so long that you trip.

Kidding, of course. I don't want my place burned.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Karlababble, your feces has a very unpleasant odor.

But I'd do you anyway!

The Bard of the Wood said...

You're just normal.

Caryn said...

Worst I can think of is that you typed "laying" when it should have been "lying". There. That hurts, now, doesn't it?

I have two friends who often use inflammatory words when regular ones will do, and I'm sure that many think they are utter bitches. In fact, I know some think so. But the truth is, when I need some help or comfort or honest advice, they are the ones I run to. And I know that when they ask me for advice, I can give it to them straight, which is so refreshing. All this came about after I got used to their inflammatory ways, of course. Before that, I feared them both.

tfg said...

I think that you are a brilliant writer with untapped creative potential. Nevertheless, I think that your dryer is uglier than a hatful of assholes.

browser58 said...

I have only been following your blog for a short time but I will stick my neck out here and say that that on occasion your Karmometer may tend to register on the negative side.

La Boom said...

I have one word for you...
"KANSAS". Need I say more?

Jodi said...

Well, gosh, we barely know each other. {actually you don't know me at all, I check your blog daily hoping you posted something new so I can laugh like a crazy woman and wish I could write like you!} Anyhoo, my only criticism would be you should blog something new every single day. And that you need to write a book of some kind.

The Jamoker said...

they're all bitches.
or, they're all dicks.

not that there's anything wrong with that...

You?

Honesty in thought and deed brings it's own reward!!!

(I was just kidding 'bout that 'tranny' thing.)

CommonWombat said...

Reading this blog makes me heave so forcefully that I suffer full rectal inversion.

"Where humor goes to die," indeed...

Brian said...

Kendra's ghost writer comment freaked me out. What if karlababble is really the wombat working incognito?

-Brian

Ben said...

Your a high maintenance fucking yuppie bitch with delusions of grangure boasting your NINtelligence as a basis to consider yourself an elitist over those you deem unequivalent.

Pride is your foremost deadly sin which you have mastered over the years.

Your greatest fear is lack of control dictating your outspokeness always of an offensive nature. Perceived as a rock of gibralter, if ever truly cornered you would cower into submission; thus your greatest fear revealed.

And of course... you fucking rock KB, hands down. Keep up the good work as always. Your a brilliant blogger.

Cheers.

Paige said...

I believe you are just a front woman for King Jake. You must answer to his every wish. He operates through you. No matter how much you say otherwise King Jake is the Master! All hail King Jake!

doggerelblogger said...

Porridge Nazi.

Lee said...

Ah what the hell... burn away... the insurance will cover everything and I never liked the cat anyway...

My best shot?

I'd tell you via this comments setion but I just don't think you have the intelligence to understand me, you stupid Mexican.

Lee said...

Excellent... nothing like a typo when you're trying to insult someone's intelligence...

Just kidding by the way.

I know you're not Mexican.

Antonio said...

I've gone back and read half your list of "100 things" and all I can say is that you're friggin weird. It's a good in an anecdotally-hilarious sort of way, but bad in a Lord-have-mercy-on-children-and-husband sort of way.

doctawife said...

Hillbillies are insulted when you identify yourself as a redneck.

The blog is great - I'll let you drier my child anyday! Well, when I have kids, anyway.

Maja said...

I think you're a great writer :)

Li said...

freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak,freak. I like you.

bekah said...

Unfortunately, I've seen old men in diapers running around the streets of New Orleans. I can only hope you don't look like that. Even in a diaper.

I can say, however, that what you lack in parenting skillz you make for in humor. 'N shit.

Heh'. I should also say that whatever is said right now can only be attributed to the amount of alcohol I've consumed. :-)

Stacie said...

I love you! Stacie

Mr. Fabulous said...

Hey, Spam can be *very* personable.

Don't be mean to Spam.

Hale McKay said...

Okay. Here goes with both barrels. You laugh too much!
...In the future, I'll try not to be too funny on my Blog.
...LOL. Thanks for the comments on your visit.

SwallowedAlive said...

I came away from your site scratching my head and figured through careful taste testing that you've obviously given me Brain Herpes and that must be why it itches. Therefore, you are probably a bagnasty, intellisewage drinking, manjaw yapping, uninsightful shiteating Alaskan hookerstain.
There's more but I can't stand how dirty you've made me feel-like when me and Priest are finished.
Thanks a lot asshole.

Lena said...

Hammers everywhere are offended.

lil'bitty said...

You spell like old people drive! Karla is spelled with a C and everyone knows it. But if it it your "real" name, then you have parents who can't spell for crap. Thus making you the product of imbeciles. How was that? That is my first insult ever, so I am a little unsure of what to say.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Your mothering will be recorded in the future as the worst thing to happen to children since SIDS.

Arctic Skipper said...

On behalf of my fellow Alaskan hookerstains - EASY!!! Don't associate Karla with US just cause you guys don't want her!

Karla, your knees are nasty and the things you do with poor, innocent, helpless house plants are horrible and inhumane.

(Lack of sleep = lack of creativity)

It's Me, Maven... said...

...Ugly as a sumo wrestler in a Girl Scout uniform?

Irony of ironies... I'm sitting here eating some Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies...

justacoolcat said...

I think you're actually CommonWombat.

pat said...

You're a REPUBLICAN??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... hwuhhhhhhh... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....
huhhhh... huhhhh... huhhhh... ok... huhhh... I think I'm... done... no wait NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Say it ain't so! Tell me I'm a gullible fool! I doesn't make sense...

Kell said...

Just want to second the PORRIDGE NAZI comment. i have mine like that. Its the right way. Aside from that, I like people who say what they think and are brash with it. Im too scared with my real life friends but online I can be as much as an insensitive bitch as you! I like you ;)

andy said...

That 'Koolaid' bit and the 'zoo' thing are just too damn good. Who needs to take it when you're that good with the dishing out? (I think that last sentence could lead somewhere dark, let's avoid that altogether....) That shit's hotter than a tampon in Ju-ly.