Monday, March 20, 2006

Don't judge me. There's a reason I'm this way.

You guys are a vicious, catty bunch; I realize that. Passing judgement, criticizing at every opportunity. I know you think I'm evil, wrong, a bad parent and a bad person, maybe even a criminal and a lunatic. But I swear, it's not all my fault. If you could see the hell I deal with every day, the sheer insanity I put up with in this house, you'd have a lot more sympathy for my flaws.

Case in point:

This is a photograph of what my husband considers a properly cooked bowl of oatmeal.
No, your eyes aren't deceiving you--it does indeed have the consistency of puke soup. He puts a couple of scoops of perfectly good oatmeal into a bowl, drowns it in a pony keg of milk, and microwaves it for a split second and voila! A bowl of slop that looks like something you'd expect to eat in a POW camp.

This is the kind of absurdity I deal with every day. Was he raised by a roving band of gypsies who subsisted on gruel and bread crusts? Does he think this is normal, acceptable behavior? Or is he really trying to drive me mad? I suspect it's the latter. I think he has devised an elaborate scheme to repeatedly commit small acts of absurdity in the hopes that over time he will be able to drive me to complete hystseria.

The man can't be reasoned with. I've tried to explain to him that this is what properly cooked oatmeal should look like: It should be one solid mass that you have to break into chunks with a knife. It should be so thick and gummy that your jaw aches from chewing it. It should be cooked to a point of dryness normally seen only in attic insulation. You should be able to turn the bowl upside down without the slightest resulting movement from the oatmeal itself. Washing the bowl afterward should require the use of a jackhammer and a bottle of adhesive remover. But he just stands there as I explain this, blinking his eyes at me in silence, as if I'm the crazy one. Then he slinks off to slurp up his curds and whey, either unaware or unconcerned that all across America, nursing homes are packed to the rafters with the toothless elderly who are eating the exact same meal.

Why is he doing this to me? I have a theory that he plans to drive me to the point of dementia, then have me committed to a lockdown mental institution so he can have complete control of the TV at all times. But I am not to be underestimated. I will devise my own plan to drive him crazy first, whereupon I will have him committed, and I will have free reign to leave all the kitchen drawers and cabinets open, and leave the toilet paper roll off the holder.

The challenge, of course, will be how to drive him batty. It won't be easy, because by nature I am an incredibly reasonable, agreeable person, loved and admired by all. A pillar of society. Therefore, it will be difficult for me to consciously attempt to behave in ways that a person might find objectionable or unreasonable. It comes so easy for Brian, but it will be a real challenge for me. But you'll see; I'll rise to the occasion.

53 comments:

psquared said...

I like the bowl

Masked Mom said...

I'm with ya on the oatmeal issue--and I'm sure if you really put your fevered mind to driving Brian out of his mind, you'll be a rip-roarin' success!

melissa.in.london said...

Won't it be ironic when you get him locked away...

...and THAT'S what they feed him all the time?

:D

Victory will be sweet...

Caryn said...

My husband and I also share completely different preferences in oatmeal preparation. My way is, of course, correct (and, sorry, different from yours and your husband's), but my husband has yet to see the error of his ways and learn how to cook a perfect dose of oatmeal. First we have to concentrate on training him to boil water with the lid on the pot. Then we can move on to more complicated stuff.

pat said...

Just for the sake of arguement, you're all wrong -- oatmeal should, in fact, be supplemented with a shot brandy and the set alight.

Brian said...

I follow the instructions on the back label of Quaker Oats. I use the "heart" column which provides the perfect balance of milk to oats and "provides 3 grams of soluble fiber". Mmmm, very tasty!

-Brian

browser58 said...

Oatmeal is an art form, not something that can be categorized as right or wrong. So you are the Rembrandt of Oatmeal and he is Picasso. There has to be enough room in the world for us to appreciate the true meaning of oatmeal with out being tied down with specific implementations. You need to learn to go with the flow, well, not in your case of course, since there is no flow to a lump of granite.

rach said...

i'm so glad i finished my oatmeal before reading this.

nita said...

do what i do! i claimed overwhelming stress and got yummy meds. now, i'm a mom and have no time for stress OR stress meds, so i dose the man and the dogs! peace.and.quiet.

go ahead. clap if you want to...

CommonWombat said...

You're both utterly wrong. HERE is the proper way to prepare oatmeal:

1) Place exactly 1 cup of Quaker Oatmeal in a microwave-save bowl.

2) Pour 3/4 cup skim milk over the oatmeal.

3) Sprinkle a palmful of brown sugar over the oats and milk.

4) Microwave on high for 3 minutes and allow to cool

5) Feed that shit to your dog and pour yourself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch. Preferably Peanut Butter Crunch. Or Crunchberries. Mmmmmmmmm, Crunchberries.

Stacie said...

yeah...his oatmeal...is gross! Stacie

melissa.in.london said...

Amen, Wombat!

Jess Riley said...

At our house the battles are fought over correct dishwashing and dusting procedures. If I could get my husband to even eat oatmeal, I would feel victorious.

If he also quit "sneak-smoking" and started a fitness program consisting of more than walking to the couch and turning on the television, I would die on the spot of happiness.

melissa.in.london said...

Amen, Wombat!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Misspelling occasion is a good start, I'd say...

karla said...

Dually noted and corected, Horsetail Snake.

Ha! I crack myself up....

Mr. Fabulous said...

You are both mad, mad, I say!

Oatmeal is disgustingly wretched. Bacon, eggs, and pop tarts are a PROPER breakfast.

I think you both should be committed, but not until granting me power of attorney over your affairs.

I await the paperwork.

dennis said...

What's wrong with soupy oatmel ???

There are many ways to eat it. If you are late for work, take your beer bong and chug it down. (With Karla and the little one chanting chug chug chug).

Or spill it on the kitchen counter and snort it up like coke.

Phoenix said...

I think you are all wrong although CommonWombat is closest to correct. In my opinion, the only correct way to eat oatmeal is to bake it into cookies first! :-) Then they can properly be dunked into milk if desired.

love your blog!

Carolyn said...

Actually, I think the best oatmeal would be a perfect blend of each of your oatmeals (is that the plural of oatmeal?). Although, I hate the stuff, so what do I know?

Virenda said...

LOL. First off I take my oatmeal VERY seriously and whatever your husband did to his, is WRONG! LOL. Oatmeal is NOT soup. It HAS to be gummy and have brown sugar in it and just enough milk. I prefer NOT to stab my oatmeal but whatever makes ya happy.

LOL. You sounds so agreeable and easy. No really, you do. I promise. I'd never lie, I mean NOT really.

Maui said...

Wow. That's pretty controlling don't you think? I just stumbled over your blog and it never ceases to amaze me the amount of usesless nitpicking we do (me included). Why can't everyone just act the way I want them to, then my life will be perfect. Anyway, I will read on and stop in from time to time. Tony

Maui said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Antonio said...

I'm with wombat and fabulous on this one. Puke soup tastes pretty good after you've had oatmeal.

AnthonyLemons said...

Oatmeal needs to be eaten like concrete. No liquidity for me, please.

Paige said...

Of course you will honey.

karen! said...

1. I like my oatmeal somewhere between his mushy one and your brick one. More of a medium blend.
2. I also drive my husband batty but by not even trying. The open cabinets do drive him batty, also leaving lights on all over the house, not sweeping up cat litter on the floor, leaving the pantry door open, my junk around the sink vanity, not doing the one thing he asks me to do for the day. I'm sure there is more. Good luck with that!

Kiki said...

His "version" of oatmeal is putrid. ugh.

I can't wait to see what hijinks you have in store!! lol

miss kendra said...

you're both right.

his oatmeal is for when ytou can't poop, and your oatmeal is for when you poop too much.

seriously? you could build a house with that oatmeal.

CommonWombat said...

I have to add that being bothered by your husband's oatmeal preperation method is perfectly normal.

Being bothered by your husband's oatmeal preperation method enough to take PHOTOS and post them on the INTERNET, however, qualifies you for my annual "That bitch be crazy" award. Congratulations!

Janet said...

I'm with you. Oatmeal should be nice and thick.

But, even better, is Cream of Wheat with honey. Thick as well. Mmmm.

The Bard of the Wood said...

I just spent ten minutes reading your oatmeal post and all the responses.

I want my ten minutes back.

Word of the Day: ooftiza

tfg said...

I'm with Brian, with respect to the proper preparation of oatmeal. Besides, the decreased viscosity makes it much easier to get into the appropriate apparatus.

The Bard of the Wood said...

Thank you, Karla, I accept your apology even though you worded it in an incredibly weird manner. As a matter of fact, it doesn't even seem like you apologized! Wow, you really DO have a way with words.

And yes, I do disgrace myself in the woods...wait...is that what you said?

Lena said...

You really should've had a straw in that first pic instead of a spoon.

Was he deprived as a child? Does he also like ketchup sandwiches? This could explain alot. Tread lightly. He's obviously delicate.

TSB said...

Heyyyy..I love my oatmeal soupy, I wonder if there is some deep psychological reasoning behind the differences, or did our mothers just f*ck us all up on purpose????

doggerelblogger said...

Um, porridge (aka oatmeal) of all kinds is pretty much totally disgusting. I can't believe you eat that crap.

Ugh.

theotherbear said...

Your oatmeal looks like it might come in handy if you need to do any bricklaying and don't have any grout. His oatmeal looks like it could be used to clean rings off the bath perhaps - with some slight grains in all that liquid it'd sort of be like a cleaning product that removes the dirt without harsh scratching.

No oatmeal is good as a form of food, of course.

Bridgermama said...

My frickin' husband also eats oatmeal soup! Freak! I love it rubbery and lumpy, lumpy, lumpy!

Ariel1980 said...

I'm wracking my brain for some suggestion of how to induce schizo moments for your husband's benefit: small speaker embedded in his pillow, and the resultant disembodied voices whispering "they're coming for you". Something along that line. Hmmm. But you're totally correct about the oatmeal, although I like Pat's suggestion about the brandy. What a way to start the morning!

anne arkham said...

I eat my oatmeal like he does. Puke soup rules.

jlh said...

Am I the only person that caught your last few statements? "It won't be easy, because by nature I am an incredibly reasonable, agreeable person, loved and admired by all. A pillar of society. Therefore, it will be difficult for me to consciously attempt to behave in ways that a person might find objectionable or unreasonable." Excuse me while I move as far away as this as possible as to avoid the huge ass lightning bolt that is about to strike you. Can you say that w/ out your head making the full 360 rotation?!

Karla said...

Oatmeal should be made like you like it drizzled with massive amounts of brown sugar and butter.

lil'bitty said...

I have my oatmeal made at room temperature with breastmilk. It is the consistency of pudding. Very tasty and could be any number of flavors, depending on what Mommy had to eat recently. Chili oatmeal is kinda good. Also mexican oatmeal. You might want to shy away from the breast milk though. It's not for everyone. Maybe a little breast milk in your husbands oatmeal would be more "healthy" for him. . . or your revenge.

Ben said...

Yikes, I'm not sure about that dish to say the least.

TGIF KB.

Maja said...

I'm with you on the oatmeal. Your husband's version looks disgusting.

You should just keep leaving all the cupboard doors open, but open them extra often.

The Jamoker said...

as much as you do for him, why isn't that lazy dude making your breakfast every day...and I don't mean sloppy gruel. breakfast in bed...flowers...nice music playing in the background...a presentation worthy of your esteemed position...

or, at least something to make up for the whole "I brought your offspring into this world."

that slop isn't fit for a tranny fling.

karen! said...

Wow! Look at all the comments you got on this one! I didn't know oatmeal would be so contriversal! or however you spell it.

Amanda said...

puke soup rock!

Hale McKay said...

Wonders what she would think if she saw me putting milk in my oatmeal andbreaking up toast or biscuits into the bowl?

Hale McKay said...

Whew! That stuck in your craw. Yes?
...I guess it goes back to when i was quite young. I'm fairly certain that's the way my dad and his dad ate their oatmeal. Wanting be like dad? Monkey see, monkey do? I'm not sure. To me, it is no different than breaking saltines into a bowl of soup.
...Excuse me, I gotta go put some salt on this watermelon I'm eating.

Photo Phil said...

i find it funny seeing pictures of oatmeal on your website. but i have another controversy for ya, (my gf and i had this one) and the question is what is a spatula??

http://photofill.com/blog/archives/2005/09/what_is_a_spatu.html

take a look, take a vote!:)

Sudiegirl said...

Oh - that husband version of oatmeal is indeed nasty-looking.

I'm more inclined to eat oatmeal like yours, but I'm not an oatmeal fan.

Then again, I eat peanut butter and Cheerio sandwiches, so what do I know?