Thursday, March 09, 2006

Dear Jackass, Volume 8

Dear caller who identifies yourself by saying, "Hi, it's me!"

You self-important prick. I only get a call from you once in a blue moon, and you have such a massive ego that you assume I'll immediately recognize your voice? Are you really so egotistical that you believe I have you in the forefront of my mind at all times, and that your voice is tattooed on my brain? Or do you simply think I'm such a loser that you're the only friend I have, and that any time the phone rings I assume (nay, I pray!) it must be you? I have two shocking revelations for you:

1) You are not on my mind all day every day. In fact, you're barely on my mind when I'm actually in the room with you. You can't see it, but when I'm talk to you on the phone, I have to periodically punch myself in the face to keep from nodding off in the middle of your boring stories. Sometimes I have to put the phone down while you're in mid-blather so I can run to the bathroom, put my head in the toilet and flush to revive myself. Disgusting, yes, but still better than listening to you drone on about how your coworkers are mean to you or your boyfriend doesn't like to cuddle.

2) I have a whole life that does not, in fact, revolve around you. I have other, better, friends, and many things to occupy my time and energy. When the phone rings, I do not assume it's you. In fact, every time you do that ridiculously pompous, "Hi, it's me!" thing, I spend a confusing several minutes trying to figure out who the fuck "me" is, and the eventual realization that it's you brings me no specific joy. What that basically means is that you're not even a fraction as unique or special as you think you are, and moreover, you're embarrassing yourself by assuming everyone you know spends their days staring at their telephones praying you'll call. Get over yourself, asswipe.

24 comments:

ducklet said...

does this also apply to blogs, i wonder?

- me

ducklet said...

well, that would have been a little funnier had MY GRAVATAR AND LINK NOT SHOWN UP

/sigh

jon deal said...

My Mom said almost the exact same thing to me last week when I called her.

And I'm an only child.

Mrs. Ca said...

Oh, jon deal, that is very sad. But funny.

Karla, sounds like you should get caller id if you don't already have it so that you can just avoid this person altogether. Sounds like the small charge every month would be worth it to not have to deal with the annoyance. I did that once to avoid calls from an ex-boyfriend who wouldn't get the hint. It was wonderful to never talk to him again.

Ashley said...

I think I want to marry you.

bekah said...

I work as a receptionist, and this is my biggest peeve ever. Do people not realize how many times a day I answer the damn phone? I even once had someone tell me, "You need to get better at recognizing voices!"

I almost told her she needs to get better at learning some manners, but I sorta want to keep my job.

Used Hack said...

Oh, I fucking hate that too.

However, I noticed did it with my wife, parents, and best friend.

Since I have nicknames for all of them, I just started saying, "Hey Pookie, how's it going?"

(BTW, none of them are nicknamed "Pookie.")

I need a nap. I'm just sayin.'

Mr. Fabulous said...

Fine! I'll stop calling!

Jesus!

:)

CommonWombat said...

What if the person calling you is named "Me?"

See, it just goes to show you how incredibly insensitive you are.

browser58 said...

Well, here is a fun game to play next time "HIITSME" calls.

Respond cheerfully, "Oh I'm so glad you called, you have to hear what Jake can say, he loves to talk on the phone. C'mon Jake, say hi its me, Hi its me, hi its me, hi, hi, hi,.........."

Caryn said...

I actually find myself doing this, usually on answering machine messages for my family or very close friends, and it always makes me cringe because, well, what's the point? If they can't recognize your voice from the rest of your conversation, what does the "it's me" part contribute? Everyone's a "me"; it does nothing but give a little more airspace for the other party's voice recognition abilities to kick in.

Mel said...

i had a client once who used to do this. i HATED this girl, and she had no clue...no clue that i hated her, no clue about life in general. After our first initial phone conversation, the next time she called (and i have caller ID but didnt recognize the number) she gave me the "it's me". so i had to fake it for the first few minutes bc i didnt want to look like an ass to a client. after that, i learned the number and when she'd say "it's me" i'd just sit there not saying anything until she said "me.....Andrea....from XYZ company????" and then i'd act all surprised... "OH! Andrea, hi!" hahahah. she finally started saying her name when she called.

idiot.

The Bard of the Wood said...

The trick is to just stop caring who is on the other end of the line...really, does it even matter? Just become much more self-absorbed (I know you'll really have to work on this because at heart you're a giver) and it won't fucking matter who you're talking to. Because the conversation will always be about YOU.

Ian said...

Awesome

Rolligun said...

How often do people tell you that you're an extremely funny writer?, the hell with it, I'll skip that part.

"hi it's me" also suggests that you have on going communication with someone, maybe she just needs to read more or something, to better understand the idioms of the english language.

tfg said...

Hey, nobody said running 1-900-WET-TARD was going to be easy.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Hit, it's me. I'm going to need another hundred meth-filled gnomes. Folks around these parts can't get enough of them.

justacoolcat said...

Hi, it's me.

Hillary said...

THANK YOU for posting this!!!

Sometimes I don't even get the "it's me" bit. I have one person who calls me and jsut says hi. And it's barely audible. Sometimes jsut to prove a point I've made all kinds of small talk and after a few minutes, I say, "who is this?"

They might get the point better if I forwarded them your post!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

For crap's sake, Karla. Give your name when you call. What a dweeb.

Blogdacity said...

Had to out a link to this post on my site yesterday. You are on of Blogdacity's favorites. Blogdacity is still a work in progress - I've just moved it over to Wordpress. I'm going to add you to the Blogroll, hope you'll consider adding us.
Take care and have a wonderful weekend.

Lena said...

I once dated a guy whose initials were M.E. I wasn't allowed to date, so I would write all over my jeans (remember that?) and all over my school binder "I LOVE ME". My parents thought I had the best self-esteem EVER.

Maybe he's calling you now, hmm?

karen! said...

Does HITITSME read this blog?

Antonio said...

Oh man, this takes me back to a few months ago when this girl called me that I dated for about a month. She gave me the "Hi, it's me" BS and then got all pissy when I didn't recognize her voice. Yeah we should really get back together.