Dear caller who identifies yourself by saying, "Hi, it's me!"
You self-important prick. I only get a call from you once in a blue moon, and you have such a massive ego that you assume I'll immediately recognize your voice? Are you really so egotistical that you believe I have you in the forefront of my mind at all times, and that your voice is tattooed on my brain? Or do you simply think I'm such a loser that you're the only friend I have, and that any time the phone rings I assume (nay, I pray!) it must be you? I have two shocking revelations for you:
1) You are not on my mind all day every day. In fact, you're barely on my mind when I'm actually in the room with you. You can't see it, but when I'm talk to you on the phone, I have to periodically punch myself in the face to keep from nodding off in the middle of your boring stories. Sometimes I have to put the phone down while you're in mid-blather so I can run to the bathroom, put my head in the toilet and flush to revive myself. Disgusting, yes, but still better than listening to you drone on about how your coworkers are mean to you or your boyfriend doesn't like to cuddle.
2) I have a whole life that does not, in fact, revolve around you. I have other, better, friends, and many things to occupy my time and energy. When the phone rings, I do not assume it's you. In fact, every time you do that ridiculously pompous, "Hi, it's me!" thing, I spend a confusing several minutes trying to figure out who the fuck "me" is, and the eventual realization that it's you brings me no specific joy. What that basically means is that you're not even a fraction as unique or special as you think you are, and moreover, you're embarrassing yourself by assuming everyone you know spends their days staring at their telephones praying you'll call. Get over yourself, asswipe.