Thursday, October 06, 2005
100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 1)
Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of “I like puppies,” and “My favorite food is pizza." While this idea appeals to the narcissist in me (which, admittedly, takes up most of the space in me), it just doesn't sound like it would be as entertaining to you guys as reading 100 things wrong with me. Of course, this brings up the problem of trimming the list down to a mere 100...but here goes. And because I'm long-winded, I'll post this in segments, lest you fall asleep reading it. Here's 1-10.
Part One: 1 through 10
1. I like to talk conspiratorially to Jake about Brian, and have Brian "accidentally" overhear me. For instance, I'll be changing Jake's diaper in his room and I'll hear Brian come home from work. As he's walking in the door, I'll pretend to be in mid-conversation with Jake. In a sympathetic tone, I'll be saying, "I don't know why Daddy doesn't love you. It's not because you're a bad kid, though--you're a great kid. Daddy just doesn't seem to care about you. It's okay though, because you've still got me." Brian will come in to indignantly defend himself, and I'll act surprised that he overhead me. Of course, this kind of fun will have to stop when Jake starts understanding me. Damnit. But I can keep doing it with the dog, which is how this little game originated, before I had a baby to play with.
2. I eat basically the same thing day after day, like a Cocker Spaniel.
3. I can't stand being wet. Don't get me wrong--I love a nice, long shower--but I hate being wet afterwards, to the extent that I stand in the shower and meticulously dry off each body part thoroughly before stepping out into the air. Once, I was sitting at a boyfriend’s house waiting for him to shower so we could go somewhere, and I saw him just wander out of the shower, dripping wet, only half-heartedly swiping a towel over a body part once or twice. His whole back was still beaded with water! And then! He just got dressed! Dry clothes on top of wet body! The horror! I do like going swimming, because when you get out you’re still baking in the nice warm sun, so it’s not a cold wet. But I don’t like hot tubs at night, because while they're nice to sit in, it sucks to step out of them, shivering.
4. I have a degree in writing which I have never made use of. I have always worked non-writing jobs.
5. Regardless of what I may actually look like, I always think I look about ten times worse. For instance, if I looked like Angelina Jolie, I'd look in the mirror and see myself as Ellen Degeneres. If I looked like Ellen Degeneres, I'd see myself as Janet Reno. If I looked like Janet Reno, I'd see myself as the Green Bay Packers.
6. I don’t mind most household chores, but I hate to mop floors. I can’t even admit to you how seldom I mop my floors, lest you ostracize me from the community.
7. I'm vain. I never leave the house without fixing my hair and putting on some mascara. Also, I'd never go anywhere in sweat pants. This is very silly behavior, since it's not as if the paparazzi are hiding in my bushes waiting to snap my photo or anything. No one really gives a rat's ass if I'm put together or not.
8. I am fairly patient with people, but in a spectacular display of stupidity, I have no patience whatsoever with things. For instance, if I try to close a desk drawer and it won't close, I am very likely to start slamming it shut over and over like an angry chimp until something breaks. I understand, as I'm doing this, that even a 5 year old knows the solution is to look inside the drawer and see what might be stuck, but I turn into a pouty robot bent on destruction, with an eye toward teaching that drawer "a lesson." Man, does that sound stupid when I confess it in writing. And yes, it's just that stupid in real life. Of course, owing to my extreme vanity, I would never lose control of myself like that when other people are around (except, occasionally, my poor husband). It's just not safe to leave me home alone with breakables.
9. I hate having the toilet paper roll on the dispenser. No, I don't mean I'm too lazy to replace the roll when it's empty, I mean I hate having it on there. I hate having to paw at the thing to get a few squares off of it--it's just faster and easier to hold it in my hand and unroll the amount I need with my other hand--and I'm all about speed and efficiency in the bathroom. My husband hates not having the roll on dispenser, so the compromise is to use those kind of toilet paper dispensers that are only closed on one end, so that you can slip the roll off and on easily. Oh, and remember when I said I break things when they don't instantly succumb to my bidding? Just the other night I went into the bathroom to blow my nose in the middle of the night, and I didn't turn the light on. I took the roll off the holder, unrolled the amount I needed, and then attempted to replace the roll onto the holder. But it was dark, and I stabbed at the thing a couple of times and it didn't go on. Then I just started jamming it like I was trying to punch it out, and of course...I won! I got it on there. But now it sits crooked on the wall and looks all ghetto. But I did teach it a lesson. It understands that I'm the boss.
10. It drives me insane when people pronounce things wrong. I took a sign language course in college, and the teacher pronounced specific “spee cific,” as if it were two words. It sounded like she was saying "spee" to rhyme with "bee," then taking the slightest pause and finishing with "cific." It used to eat at my brain. Our first assignment was to think up a sentence, look up how to sign it, and then get up in front of the class and sign it for everyone. Mine was "I'll do anything for ten dollars," but it should have been "Learn to pronounce “specific” or stop saying it, asshole."