Thursday, October 06, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 1)

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of “I like puppies,” and “My favorite food is pizza." While this idea appeals to the narcissist in me (which, admittedly, takes up most of the space in me), it just doesn't sound like it would be as entertaining to you guys as reading 100 things wrong with me. Of course, this brings up the problem of trimming the list down to a mere 100...but here goes. And because I'm long-winded, I'll post this in segments, lest you fall asleep reading it. Here's 1-10.

Part One: 1 through 10

1. I like to talk conspiratorially to Jake about Brian, and have Brian "accidentally" overhear me. For instance, I'll be changing Jake's diaper in his room and I'll hear Brian come home from work. As he's walking in the door, I'll pretend to be in mid-conversation with Jake. In a sympathetic tone, I'll be saying, "I don't know why Daddy doesn't love you. It's not because you're a bad kid, though--you're a great kid. Daddy just doesn't seem to care about you. It's okay though, because you've still got me." Brian will come in to indignantly defend himself, and I'll act surprised that he overhead me. Of course, this kind of fun will have to stop when Jake starts understanding me. Damnit. But I can keep doing it with the dog, which is how this little game originated, before I had a baby to play with.

2. I eat basically the same thing day after day, like a Cocker Spaniel.

3. I can't stand being wet. Don't get me wrong--I love a nice, long shower--but I hate being wet afterwards, to the extent that I stand in the shower and meticulously dry off each body part thoroughly before stepping out into the air. Once, I was sitting at a boyfriend’s house waiting for him to shower so we could go somewhere, and I saw him just wander out of the shower, dripping wet, only half-heartedly swiping a towel over a body part once or twice. His whole back was still beaded with water! And then! He just got dressed! Dry clothes on top of wet body! The horror! I do like going swimming, because when you get out you’re still baking in the nice warm sun, so it’s not a cold wet. But I don’t like hot tubs at night, because while they're nice to sit in, it sucks to step out of them, shivering.

4. I have a degree in writing which I have never made use of. I have always worked non-writing jobs.

5. Regardless of what I may actually look like, I always think I look about ten times worse. For instance, if I looked like Angelina Jolie, I'd look in the mirror and see myself as Ellen Degeneres. If I looked like Ellen Degeneres, I'd see myself as Janet Reno. If I looked like Janet Reno, I'd see myself as the Green Bay Packers.

6. I don’t mind most household chores, but I hate to mop floors. I can’t even admit to you how seldom I mop my floors, lest you ostracize me from the community.

7. I'm vain. I never leave the house without fixing my hair and putting on some mascara. Also, I'd never go anywhere in sweat pants. This is very silly behavior, since it's not as if the paparazzi are hiding in my bushes waiting to snap my photo or anything. No one really gives a rat's ass if I'm put together or not.

8. I am fairly patient with people, but in a spectacular display of stupidity, I have no patience whatsoever with things. For instance, if I try to close a desk drawer and it won't close, I am very likely to start slamming it shut over and over like an angry chimp until something breaks. I understand, as I'm doing this, that even a 5 year old knows the solution is to look inside the drawer and see what might be stuck, but I turn into a pouty robot bent on destruction, with an eye toward teaching that drawer "a lesson." Man, does that sound stupid when I confess it in writing. And yes, it's just that stupid in real life. Of course, owing to my extreme vanity, I would never lose control of myself like that when other people are around (except, occasionally, my poor husband). It's just not safe to leave me home alone with breakables.

9. I hate having the toilet paper roll on the dispenser. No, I don't mean I'm too lazy to replace the roll when it's empty, I mean I hate having it on there. I hate having to paw at the thing to get a few squares off of it--it's just faster and easier to hold it in my hand and unroll the amount I need with my other hand--and I'm all about speed and efficiency in the bathroom. My husband hates not having the roll on dispenser, so the compromise is to use those kind of toilet paper dispensers that are only closed on one end, so that you can slip the roll off and on easily. Oh, and remember when I said I break things when they don't instantly succumb to my bidding? Just the other night I went into the bathroom to blow my nose in the middle of the night, and I didn't turn the light on. I took the roll off the holder, unrolled the amount I needed, and then attempted to replace the roll onto the holder. But it was dark, and I stabbed at the thing a couple of times and it didn't go on. Then I just started jamming it like I was trying to punch it out, and of course...I won! I got it on there. But now it sits crooked on the wall and looks all ghetto. But I did teach it a lesson. It understands that I'm the boss.

10. It drives me insane when people pronounce things wrong. I took a sign language course in college, and the teacher pronounced specific “spee cific,” as if it were two words. It sounded like she was saying "spee" to rhyme with "bee," then taking the slightest pause and finishing with "cific." It used to eat at my brain. Our first assignment was to think up a sentence, look up how to sign it, and then get up in front of the class and sign it for everyone. Mine was "I'll do anything for ten dollars," but it should have been "Learn to pronounce “specific” or stop saying it, asshole."


Yoda said...

It used to drive me nuts when people pronounced "amenable" as if it's pronounced, "uh-mee-nuh-bul". I'd secretly consider them stupid and ignorant, and then do my level best not to treat them like they were stupid and ignorant, because let's face it, I'm too nice a guy to be that way.

Then it turned out that pronouncing the word with the long "e" is perfectly acceptable.

So, basically, I was the stupid and ignorant one.

Not that "spee-cific" would ever be in the dictionary. I'm just saying, is all.

By the way, you're not alone with the whole angry chimp thing. The cable box quit working for a while last night -- some sort of electronic hiccup -- and I sat on the couch jamming buttons on the remote while shouting GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT! GOD DAMN IT!! while my daughter just looked at me like I was from a hostile alien planet.


Anonymous said...


C'mon. Only 100?

dizzy von damn! said...

10 dollars, eh?

i'll start saving.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You eat Cocker Spaniels? Sounds like it. Are they as good as opossum?

That's a funny bit about the toilet paper holder. A lesson, indeed. The bastard.

(Jake: She's a mean mother. Don't get her riled....)

Paul Michael Peters said...

Kinny-garten rather than Kindergarten

Poe-gram instead of Program

You are absolutely correct about toilet paper

Ritmeyer said...

Oh, when people pronounce things wrong I could punch them in the kidney's. My husband does it on purpose just to piss me off!

You guys seem like fun, we are coming over on Friday.

Miladysa said...

Bugs me too when people are unable to pronouce Fork Orf correctly!

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Good List girl!

My boss says things that drive me apeshit! He says "Its not rocket scientist, people," and he says "exspecially" - I count in the weekly meetings with little checkmarks on my notepad how many times he says that shit. My co-worker always kicks me and says I am going to get fired one day.

One day I know I am going to snap and yell "It's rocket science douche bag, not rocket scientist and it's especially, not f--king exspecially."

The other phrase that he uses that makes my skin crawl - "okaaaay campers" - Uggghhhh! - Sorry, I totally just ranted on your site.

Anonymous said...

I also tend to want to teach inanninmate objects a lesson. My glove compartment is an excellent example. I slam that thing shut repeatedly until it finally clicks, usually destroying some important document, like my registration, in the process.

AvR said...

I love knowing these things about you far more than I would ever pretend to care about your alleged love for "puppies", so kudos for striking out in a new direction. I very well may have to imitate this. That being said, I too hate the whole wetness thing: dunk me in a pool? Fine. Soaking in a tub? Lovely. But don't you DARE spray me, splash me, or even SPRINKLE me with water. It will irritate me like precious little else can. And I too pat dry meticulously.

I don't mean to be all "hey! me too!" everytime I read your posts, but as with objects, I sometimes dream of kicking appliances violently, or smashing them if they don't work. Like my cell with get better reception if I bash it on a rock? It may not work better, but even the idea of it makes me calm "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" only with violent dreams.

Excellent as always. The writing degree obviously has some use!

Dave Morris said...

Nope. Nothing dysfunctional here.

I should make MY version of this list, though... you'd feel SO much better about yee-self.

Masked Mom said...

We know you've ingested cockroach dust, developed cross-country butt rash and had a Metallica license plate, but you're somehow concerned about being ostracized from this community for not mopping your floors enough?!


Arctic Skipper said...

Great idea! I may have to steal it. :) Actually, maybe I won't. I have a pretty good thing going with Shorty. I'd hate to give him a cheat sheet of all the reasons he should drop me like the psycho nutcase that I am . . . ;)

Anonymous said...

I was going to ask how you managed to eat Cocker Spaniels every day...
... seems like it might be difficult to keep the supply going...
... but I see I've been [sort of] beaten to it.

Christi said...

Wow, we have more in common than I ever would have thought! I have a lot wrong with me, eh? Let's see, numbers 1,2,3,5,6, and 10. I can't wait to see the rest!

Jessica said...

Karla - where have you been all my life? I adore you!

Melissa said...

I'm still laughing, Karla -- what a great post. The t.p. and drawer thing really got me -- my 3 year-old asked from across the room, "Mommy, what's making you laugh like that?" Can't wait to read the rest. Oh, and I have photographic proof of commonwombat and the M&M costumes ....

ianmack said...

what kind of writing degree? fiction, non-fiction? journalism? online ranting? cereal box blurbs? movie critic quotes? (ala: "A Slam-Bang Action Thriller!"); dvd instruction manuals? advertising copy? clothing tags? phone books? just curious.

Anonymous said...

haha, among other things you've said in here i agree with.... MUST-DRY-EVERYTHING... haha

Nature Girl said...

This is great! I have been trying to come up with 100 things about me and got stuck at like 60ish, but 100 things wrong with me? No problem! Mind if I steal this? Oh and the added r's on words that don't belong there usually come from the middle of words that are supposed to have them. For instance the R that should be in mahbles (marbles) usually ends up on idears (ideas) I've noticed this here in CT. It drives me insane and people correct me!?! You gotta be kidding me. LOL Thanks for the laugh

CommonWombat said...

1) Absolutely fucking genius, as usual.

2) My understanding of the part of Texas that you live in (I have a sister-in-law who lived there for 7 years) is that the "putting on make-up to go to the grocery store" phenomenon is not limited to you. Here in the part of Baltimore where I live, you're lucky if the old broads take their curlers out.

3) My "platonic life-partner" Paul is of French descent and LOVES to rag on me whenever I mispronounce a french word, which is quite often. The worst offence has got to be the time I refered to a female singer as a "chantenuse." he's never letting me live that one down, the snob.

4) Dog Butt, don't you dare start spreading those M&M pictures around. I know where you live.

Maja said...

"like a cocker spaniel"
me too.

Pirate said...

I think you are delightfully sick. I love your blog. By the way you do look like a cross between Ellen and Angelina. You have a nicer mouth then both.

Keep the pot stirred my blogger friend because those idle-asses are watching and they need something to keep their blood pumping.

Leesa said...

Wow, #8 fits me perfectly. Great list.

leesepea said...

I'm with you on 3, 6, 7 and 10.

It just kills me when people mispronounce things. Almost as much as when they misspell. Or make a grammatical error.

Though I'm teaching math and science, I am constantly correcting my students' grammar. And they say things like, "But Ms. D, this is math! What difference does it make?"

So I respond with, "Because grammar is math with words!"

Yes, they think I'm weird.

And now, you probably do, too.

Tom Kluender said...

Hi Karla, Cool Site. I really Like the design. Thanks for the spam tip I am new to this blog thing. Peace,tommy k

Anonymous said...

What a great idea this is! I would love to steal it and do it on my site, but I'm scared I couldn't stop at 100 then it would take over my blog entirely!

Oh, and I do the drawer slamming thing, too...Even as I do it, I know I'm acting like an idiot, but yet...I can't stop!

Me said...

I hate it when people say "Illinoise," "Golf of Mexico," "Jagwires," and "youse."

I'm sure there are others, 'cause I'm an anal-retentive bitch about this stuff. Poor spellers get on my nerves too (especially my ex-husband).

Maddie said...