Monday, October 17, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 4)

In case you missed the first 3 installments of this gripping series, a short recap:

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love synchronized swimming," and "I have 9 cats." I thought about doing this, but everything I thought of to say about myself sounded like a hideous flaw. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. I have to post it in installments, or its sheer bulk would break the internet. Here's #31-40.

31. I have over-trained my Rottweiler, to the point where she’s no longer an imposing guard dog, but more of a fluffy bunny.

32. I can’t sing. Not much use at dancing, either. I used to go dancing a lot when I was younger, though, which means I'm either not as bad at it as I think, or I used to have no idea how bad I was at it. That might have had something to do with the copious quantities of alcohol I consumed. (However, I was never so drunk that I thought I could sing.)

33. When telemarketers call, I don't bother with politely declining their offer; instead, I unceremoniously hang up on them. It usually goes something like this:
Me: "Hello?"
Telejackass: "Hello! I'd like to take just a moment of your time to..."
Click.

34. If you've read this blog for more than two entries, you probably know this, but I'm irrationally scared of bugs. Strangely, the ones that scare me the most are not the ones that could actually hurt me, like wasps or spiders. I'm most scared of June bugs and grasshoppers. Mostly it's their crazy kamikaze nature that I find unsettling. A grasshopper can be over there, looking that way, and you'll think, "Oh, he's not interested in me, he's looking the other way. Probably doesn't even see me." Then, without any warning, without turning his head or body, he will suddenly catapult straight into your forehead like a terrorist sacrificing himself to attack his enemy. Oh, and when I see a bug, I don't just jump up and flee the scene, I first emit a high-pitched screech that would lead a bystander to believe I am being eaten alive by no less than 7 lions. This makes me look incredibly stupid, and believe me, I have tried to suppress that infernal, ridiculous girly noise. It has a life of its own.

35. I hate peppy people. I want to stab them with a pom-pom handle.

36. I like to use our digital camera to take hideous photos of myself making ugly faces, then laugh like a madman as I look at them. My husband can almost always be seen nearby, shaking his head and wondering how to get out of this marriage. I thought about posting one here for an example, but that would mean sifting through the hundreds of photos to pick one. At which point I'd probably just start cackling like psycho, and nothing would get accomplished.

37. When people repeat themselves over and over, it inspires me to kill. For instance:

Dum-Dum: Can you pick me up at the airport at 5? Because my plane comes in at 4:30, so that should give me just enough time to get through baggage claim. My mom was going to pick me up, but she can't get off work.
Me: Sure, I'll be there at 5 to get you.
Dum-Dum: Great. Because my plane comes in at 4:30, so that should give me just enough time to pick up my bags at baggage claim.
Me: Okay, sounds great. See you then.
Dum-Dum: Thanks a lot, that's a big help. My mom was going to pick me up, but it looks like she won't be able to get off work.
Me: No problem. I'll be there at 5.
Dum-Dum: Awesome. That'll be just about right, because I'll pick up my bags at the baggage claim after my plane comes in at...(interrupted by my fingernails gouging him in the eyeballs).

38. I hate pork. It just seems suspicious to me.

39. I find Spam hilarious. I could never bring myself to eat it, because I'm pretty sure it's not actually food, but Spam plays a big part in my life. One of my most prized possessions is my Spam snow globe.
I have a Spam merchandise catalog which delights me to no end. You can order Spam wine glasses, a Spam onesie for your baby, a Spam ice scraper, a Spam hair scrunchie, Spam sunglasses...the list goes on and on. There are hundreds of things in there! Does anyone else find this hilarious? No? Well, screw you.

40. I used to use this keychain. My husband hated it. I thought it was hilarious, even when I would absent-mindedly forget how crude it was and casually set it on the counter in stores as I was paying for my purchases. Only when I saw the clerk staring slack-jawed at me did I remember my offensive keychain--and I also realized then that not as many people saw the movie Kill Bill as I had assumed when I bought the thing. Still, I thought it was funny, if only for how horrified my husband was by it. Then I got pregnant. There's nothing funny about waddling around with a big pregnant belly and a Pussy Wagon keychain. At first I thought I'd put the keychain away for the remainder of my pregnancy, and then use it again afterward...but don't worry, it only took me a few moments to realize that the only thing worse than seeing a pregnant chick with a Pussy Wagon keychain is seeing a chick carrying an infant and a Pussy Wagon keychain. So I gave it away, with much sadness in my heart.

52 comments:

Yoda said...

Karla,

Yep, it's official: You're a hoot.

My brother-in-law deals with telemarketers who call during dinner by simply saying, "Hold on," and setting the phone down next to his plate. He figures that they can hear the ongoing dinner conversation and the clatter of silverware and take the frigging hint.

My best friend's father-in-law used to work for Hormel, making Spam, so for his birthday one year, they took him to the Spam Museum. Yes, the Spam Museum. They came back and gave me a Spam t-shirt. I love it: there is nothing quite so entertaining as a fat guy in a Spam t-shirt. Well, there is...a fat guy in a Spam t-shirt and a Viking helmet.

~Kurt

annearkham said...

Don't feel bad about the telemarketer thing. They're not allowed to stop talking until you hang up, so there's no polite way to get them off the phone.

Arctic Skipper said...

Spam and Spam products are hysterical. Anyone who disagrees has a warped sense of funny.

You are so not alone with the bug thing. Yes, bugs are creepy, and I don't particularly like any of them. If I see a tarantula I'll squirm away - but the sight of a less-dangerous pincher bug will throw me into irrational, hysterical fits of high-pitched shrieking and flailing. I hate that is seems to be a completely innate response, too. I can't stand girly-girls who wig at the sight of a bug, but pincher bugs - with their great, big, long anntea *shudder* - completely freak me out.

Lovin' the Pussy Wagon keychain!

chesneygirl said...

Crackin' up at how you amuse yourself by taking pictures of yourself making funny faces. That's hilarious!!! Now I've REALLY gotta get me one of the digital thingys!! (yes I'm still living in the 80's with my 35mm, I'll give Boy George a kiss for you)

I hang up on telemarketers also. It's not like they don't expect it or anything!!

FTS said...

These are hilarious. Keep this up and we'll start a petition to up it to 200 things. :-)

Deranged Doctor said...

You have a son.
That son still qualifies as a baby.
Why does he not have a Spam onesie?

karla said...

Deranged Doctor: I thought about getting him one. But it turns out my son doesn't think Spam is funny at all. Damn it, the kid's got his father's sense of humor, apparently.

JaeFo said...

If you ever stop blogging, I will kill myself.

Best,

Foxy

Magnolia said...

Hah! I hate those fucking junebugs too and they -totally dive bomb- your shit and cling to your hair because they -know- they are driving you insane.

Also before I had Hunter? I had a purse that looked like a corset with tits. I thought it was -so- cute. However, once I began to walk around with the tiny boy I realized I was holding a extra pair of breasts that were not ponying up to the milkproduction around the house and..unfortunatly I was not 16 anymore.

The purse is now in the attic.

Poka Bean said...

i'm asking for a subscription to the spam catalog for christmas. or maybe just for someone to buy me the spam scrunchie 'cause obviously that's the next best thing to a spam snow globe.

trisha said...

Pork is suspicious. You are right to be wary.

You *are* a hoot.

mrhaney said...

very good post karla. i just love reading your post. we have collected a lot of things through the years but never have we collected any thing about spam. personally i hate the stuff.

CommonWombat said...

"33. When telemarketers call..."

Once, I fielded a call from a peppy telemarketer who offered me a fabulous free estimate on new siding for our windows. "That sounds awesome," I said, "But our house has no windows."

Without missing a beat she said "Well we do roofs also!"

"Yeah," said I, " We don't have a roof either."

At that point she finally got the hint and started laughing. Usually I use the same method as you - the oh-so-rapid hang-up.

"38. I hate pork..."

Okay, I'm coming out there just so you and I can re-enact the pork scene from pulp fiction. Because, in the words of Vincent Vega: "Pork tastes goooood, bacon tastes goood..."

Ham I could really do without though. Go figure.

"40. I used to use this keychain..."

I LOVE that before you gave it away, you took a picture of it. WEIRDO.

karla said...

Did I just get called a weirdo by a guy with an M&M costume hanging in his closet?

Miladysa said...

ROFLMAOPMP!

H0kie Erin said...

Somewhere I have a "Perky Morning People Should Be Shot" t-shirt. It's one of my faves. :)

Anonymous said...

Spam... the official meat of Hawaii... or at least that is what I am told... there is even a big cookoff with the stuff, have you seen that on the FOOD network? Really rather amusing!
Lulabellah

RitMeyer said...

I usually like to mess with telemarketers. I tell them thank god they called because I have something to sell them... Do you wish you had bigger boobs?

Loved the killing people, you and I should probably never hang out. We might actually hurt people.

the Caitlinator said...

I am also distrustful of pork. Smart move.

Heather B. said...

The second a telemarketer calls and misprounounces my last name, it's over. They will automatically get hung up on.

Must say, I've been looking forward to Part 4 of your list. Seriously hysterical.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I'm not exactly a Karlababble veteran, but #37 is THE best thing you have ever written on your blog.

miss kendra said...

why do you live in texas, instead of right near me?

oh the humanity.

karla said...

Anonymous: Yeah, the Hawaii thing is true. We went there for a vacation a year or two ago. They have Spam dishes on the menu at restaurants! People wear Spam t-shirts proudly there--no joke on their part. I hee-heed my way across Hawaii. But sadly, I did not take the opportunity to buy a Spam shirt. Now I guess I gotta go back.

Hope said...

The fact that you hang up on telemarketers is not a bad thing about you. When I was in college I had a job calling alumni to solicit money. I liked it when people hung up on me. They didn't waste my time like some of the people who would let me talk for 10 minutes and then still say no. But it's better to say, "take me off your list" before you hang up, because by law they have to, otherwise they'll just keep calling you back..

sorry to be all serious... hilarious post as usual!

Little Light said...

All of them are hilarious! I usually can tell when telemarketers (or bill collectors) are calling because they pause before they say my name. That's my cue to hang up.

RainStorm1212 said...

Karla, you are one funny 'gal'. And to think, I could have been reading your blog a long time ago!

Miss Burgoo said...

Stabbed with a pom-pom handle? You and my brother would make a perfect pair. King and Queen of threatening bodily injuries!

trb said...

I'm there there with you on the bug thing. I will scream, pee and poop myself when I see a roach, junebug or cricket. I just know those little devils are out to eat my face off.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

My husband makes "poor man's sushi" out of spam, rice and seaweed paper. He calls it Musubee. He said that they ate it all the time in Hawaii (he grew up there).

I will not let him buy the Spam for his Musubee when he is shopping with me, he has to buy that nasty shit on his own time!!!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Yeh, I saw it. It's now a centerpiece in one of those Bond movies. I think "Pussy Galore" has it.

NA said...

I love the keychain!!! And I think everyone is affraid of somethings.. Mine is Spiders.. Ever since that movie arachnophopia.

Rico said...

everyone loves the keychain, what can I say, I'm a follower. That is so funny. I used to carry around a Beavis and Butthead keychain.

Sorry, but I have no excuses...

Janet said...

I made a giant Spam can in high school sculpture class.

#37. TOTALLY annoying.

Stacie said...

OMG! You are a riot! I hate telemarketers. They are the bane of my existence. I am on the national do not call list so on the rare occaision I do still get a call, I totally go off on them.
Stacie

Rude Cactus said...

The Spam obsession? One of the funniest things I've heard all week. Love the Spam snow globe. As for telemarketers - I usually just start screaming that I'm on fire. That does the trick. Plus? It cracks me up.

small bus to hell said...

I can relate to #31. My rottweiler looks like a bad ass but in reality I have a better chance of the cat guarding the house.

As for my own personal telemarketer story; when I ordered the phone service for my new house and the sales rep asked me how I wanted my number listed I gave her the names of 2 of my dogs. So now when someone calls & asks for Olivia Trump I tell them the dog is no longer allowed to answer the phone.

OH and Peppy people SUCK. Let me just tell you that I work with someone who when we have team meetings waives pom-poms & has a set of those plastic clapper things. Never fails you just want to poke her eyeballs out with toothpicks.

Mel

Lyvvie said...

You don't like peppy people???

I'm somewhat confused because I was under the impression you were somewhat peppy. Am I mixing jovial with peppy? I think I need ytou to give me some example of peppy in your own reference so I can understand.

Need to borrow my pom-poms?

And I love the pussy wagon keyring, and I've not even seen Kill Bill yet.

Chief Slacker said...

I know something else wrong, you havent' stopped voer for Slacker Week! Stop by and join in the slack! :O)

Curator said...

"35. I hate peppy people. I want to stab them with a pom-pom handle."

I knew you were a good egg. :)

Cheers.

Carolyn said...

Is it wrong that I think all of these things, and in your previous lists as well, are exactly what is RIGHT about you?

ianmack said...

i prefer to ask telemarketers how they're doing this evening. and then i launch into my own rant and try to sell THEM something.

Pieces of Me said...

LMAO you are so funny! I want one of those key chains!! Thanks for coming over to my place...and thanks for the nice comment! TTYL

zazzafooky said...

I'm with FTS, you so need to keep going with these. Hysterical.

leesepea said...

I thought I was deathly afraid of those huge, blue-green June bugs, too, till my boyfriend pointed something to me:

June bugs are small and almond-colored and completely harmless.

Japanese beetles are the big, blue and green things that dive for your forehead.

Makes sense, then, their kamakaze attitude, since they're Japanese.

I know they don't bite. But that horribly loud buzzing noise they make? Sends shivers down my spine.

*Shudder*

john boy said...

Bwaaahahahhaaahaa! Hahhhhaaaha!. Hahaa. Ha. Oh..hee.

I need to come here more often.

Taylor said...

You are hilarous! Thanks for the laugh.

Christi said...

Okay, we are getting less and less like each other with each post. I am terrified of spiders, but not so much grasshoppers! I do, however, also let out a high-pitched scream when I see one! My hubby really hates it!

I love you! I'm so glad you came around for me to read about!

Maja said...

Oh karla, you make me laugh out loud. So much!

Masked Mom said...

Spam! The Wonder Meat! (I wonder: is it meat?)

a fish on a bycicle said...

hey, funny face, could you drop me a quick email at aday_atthezoo@yahoo.co.uk please, I'd really appreciate your help

gina said...

holy crap who did you give it too???? ROFL

homelessthoughts said...

51 comments!
blig, blog, bliggety bloggin over here.

The grasshopper thing -- laughing.

And the pussy wagon, I was a big 'Greese' fan in middle school and I always thought it was fairly innocent.
Then last year my girls were listening to 'Greese Lightning' and I'm jammin along with them...did he just say, "It's a real pussy wagon"?

He did, he did say pussy wagon -- smut!