Saturday, October 08, 2005

I am a freak magnet.

The weirdos have been out again, surfing the internet for sad and strange things. Which always seems to land them here, on my site.

To the person who found my site by searching for lessons i've learned in the movie riding in cars with boys: I didn't see this movie, so maybe I'm way off base here, but I bet the only lesson to be learned from this movie is this: Avoid any movie starring Drew Barrymore like it's the goddamn plague. There's nothing more irritating than watching someone put on a fake lisp for two solid hours. And when did a lisp become something to pretend to have? People who legitimately have a lisp should be indignant about this. They probably spend all their time trying to make it look like they don't have one, and this horrible actress pretends she does have one.

To the pervert searching for chloroforming girls: It really is a shame how little useful information there is on the internet on how to successfully chloroform a girl. We all know it has something to do with a rag and a suspicious-looking bottle, but the details are important, and hard to find. Like, how do you do it without accidentally chloroforming yourself? And isn't this kind of a stinky, and therefore unstealthy, crime to commit? We all know there's got to be answers out there to these important questions, but where, where, where? Unfortunately for you, Mr. Predator, not here. You'll have to figure out the details on chloroforming girls the old-fashioned way: By trial and error. That's how our grandfathers did it, and their grandfathers, and their grandfathers' grandfathers.

And to the person looking up where is karla now: How exciting! Someone is looking for me! Hopefully it's not the chap who was looking up how to cholorform girls. Knowing my luck, it's probably the IRS or the free clinic. If it's the IRS: I didn't declare any wages that year because all my income came from illegal activity. If it's the free clinic: I got it from him, he didn't get it from me.

To the person who found me by searching for accidentally sit in urine on a public toilet seat: I understand why your search led you here, since I wrote extensively, one angry day, on the subject. But still, I think it's sad--I picture you, poor soul, wet-bottomed and angry, banging away at the keyboard of your computer looking for advice on how to remedy your unfortunate situation. As many times as I've haplessly sat in a stranger's pee in a public restroom, I never thought to get on the internet afterward and search for advice. I have an answer for you, though, my soggy friend: Go dry your butt off.

To the person looking for pregnant farm slut: I'm not sure why you think I'm the person you want. I did live on a farm for about four years as a kid--and I have been pregnant once in the recent past--but these two events did not happen even close to the same time. And as for the slut accusation, well, I won't even dignify that with a response. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some strangers to sleep with.

31 comments:

HW said...

Public Restroom Rule #1 -- LOOK BEFORE YOU PEE!

Romeo Jensen said...

I surfed in cause ur a damn good writer and... well Karla... ur effin cute too :)
okay that was self serving but hey... I'm a guy... it's what we do... cause we're guys... and... we pee on toilet seats... guys... we do that... cause... we're... ummmm... guys

okay... well now I want to go drink some beer and see something naked

romey

FTS said...

If it's any consolation, I get some odd searches, too. I used to post them at the end of the month, but I quit doing it a while back. Maybe some day I'dd dig them out again...

cinefille said...

Amen to the Drew Barrymore comment. But if you have to watch any Drew Barrymore movie better make it "E.T." Just because it is the only pre-druggie Drew AND pre-really crappy Drew Barrymore movie.

And public restrooms freak me out. Can't go in them, can't walk past them, can't even think about them. I wonder if that makes me weird?

Miladysa said...

Heavens above! Who are these people?!

Christi said...

I'm waiting for someone to find my blog by looking up eating poop, or peeing on Mommy. I just know it's bound to happen someday, and I'm all ready for it!

mrhaney said...

good post karla. i just had to drop by and see what one of my favorite bloggers was blogging about. yes there is a lot of weird people out there. have a great weekend.

CommonWombat said...

Why is it, out of the 17 metric tons of funny that comprise that post, that it was "Go dry your butt off" that got a guffaw out of me?

I guess I'm just picky that way.

Leesa said...

This is my first time here, great post! I always wonder too how people find my site with the oddest words.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I knew a lisp-lady who lived on the Oregon Coast who had a collection of plants. Why, when she had a lisp she picked this kind of plant for a collection is beyond me:

"shucculensch."

Neptunebaby said...

I just wanted to say that I love your site. I found it through Zazzafooky and laughed my ass off after reading a few of your entries. I just had to add you to my blogroll! I apologize for not having more on my site at this time, but I had a little temper tantrum last week and deleted the last several years worth of entries. It happens. There's nothing I can do to get it back now.

Tish said...

I quit paying attention to how people got to my blog when I posted about being a live action porn star, a patient not wearing panties, and the husband watched with rapt attention. You can imagine how people found that one.

YOU BLOGROLLED ME?? LITTLE OL' ME?? Well, slap me on the flat booty and call me J-Lo, I am in heaven!!!!!! YOu are already on my to read list, dear.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Is "Where's Karla?" like "Where's Waldo?"- we could make a book series out of it, complete with illustrations of wet toilets and little men running around with cloths and bottles.

There are some damn FREAKS out there. I don't even try to read my search results anymore...

CommonWombat said...

Hey Oldhorsetailsnake, I knew a guy who had a severe speech-impediment which gave him a really, REALLY bad lisp. I always thought he was a ballsy dude on the basis of the car he drove. He could have gotten away clean with a Volvo, or a Porsche... even a Hyundai. But no, at some point he had walked into a dealership and said "I'm interesthed in a THUBARU FORRETHTER."

King Andy said...

I note on your profile that you like to wear food items as clothing. Just for you I have created this http://www.propartganda.com/king/cheesehelmet.htm
I hope it is of use to you

Mark said...

i think i will have to come back. p.s. Xander's opening hours for being kissed are "waking hours", which ar epretty much whenever he feels like.

anne arkham said...

Chloroforming girls? How very Jack the Ripper.

mrtl said...

Creepy.

Most of my searches deal with Don Vito.

I am a Milliner's Dream, a woman of many "hats"... said...

Hysterical post...and I loved the 10 things wrong with you and look forward to reading more of the weird stuff about you.

I found you via your comment at Pirate's PG-13 post on his soap-diving day. :)

Sounds like you are using your degree in writing now!

Hh

niQ said...

"chloroforming girls"?? wtf in the world is THAT??

Lyvvie said...

Did Romeo Jensen just admit to sneaking into women's toilets and peeing on all the seats??

How could you not like The Wedding Singer??

tigger said...

At least the pregnant slut has a home, which is in stark contrast to the dental sex chap.

miss kendra said...

pregnant farm slut! HAH!

that's you're new nickname. i might change your link on my blogroll.

melissa.in.london said...

hahahahaha...you're hilarious!

what would be a REAL concern would be if someone searched for chloroforming pregnant farm sluts who were sitting in pee on a public toilet seat...

how do you find out what people searched for?

Dirk the Feeble said...

This is a good post, but I really decided to post something on your blog today to let you know that you are my new favorite commenter. Let's let it always be this way, Karla.

Oh, and I got to your blog by searching for "narcissistic babbling." Ironically my blog came up to, as did the blogs of over 3000 other blogspot users. Hmm . . . google must be having some kind of technical difficulties.

Hope said...

I think it's funny when people type questions into search engines. Perhaps the person who found you via "where is karla now?" is the same person who found me by typing in, "where are those girl's parents?"

karla said...

Melissa In London: It's a website called Statcounter. Go to www.statcounter.com. It's free, and it tracks all kinds of interesting stuff regarding your web site, like how many people have visited (how many people returned for subsequent visits and how many are first-time visitors), where in the country or world they're from, and more interestingly, what link they clicked on to find you. That's how I know who has put a link to my site on their site, which is nice because then I can visit their site and give them some love back. And of course, you find out how people find you through search engines. Anyway, the service is free or you can pay to upgrade to a better service. I use the free one, and the only catch is it only tracks your last 100 page loads, so you have to check it frequently so that you don't miss anything. Check it out.

Hillary said...

Hilarious! I get all kinds of weird searches on my site, too, I'll have to start listing them. (FTS, I like that end-of-the-month idea)

From a fellow member of Ellen's court!

Pirate said...

As I have told Hoss before and I'll tell you now. You are certainly a master. Baiting us into your word play and life of clear observations. When I have finished reading your posts I feel like a good smoke and a hot shower. Thanks.

andrea said...

Wow! You *are* popular, aren't you? How do I get me some o' that unwanted traffic? :) As for Drew Barrymore, Kirsten Dunst is the one I want to avoid like the plague. But how do you see a movie with Orlando Bloom, like their upcoming feature, without having to put up with her...

Christine said...

I'm a fellow Texan and freak. Found you in Ellen's Court.