The best twenty-five bucks I ever spent were on my fake teeth. I bought them here about 5 years ago. The guy who makes these teeth is no hack; he's the son of a dentist, and these are not your typical ill-fitting, cheap gag teeth. They come with a mold that you use to shape them over your own teeth, so that they fit well. You can talk while wearing them, unlike most fake teeth which, if you try to say a sentence while wearing them, make you sound like you've got a mouthful of...fake teeth. And the kicker? Not only can I talk while wearing them, but I look undeniably HOT. (With or without the jester hat.)
These teeth fall into that huge, cavernous category of things that tickle the shit out of me in spite of the fact that most other people don't find them all that funny. Everyone seems to agree that they're good for a big laugh when I first put them on, but then they want them gone so that we can get back to talking or shopping, or whatever we were doing, with some semblance of dignity and normalcy. Once I put them on, though, I like to wear them for awhile. People tend to object on the grounds that it's hard to look me in the eye while I'm wearing them.

Once, when I was in Calgary visiting relatives, I wore my fake teeth to the airport when we went there to pick up my sister, who was also coming in for a visit. My plan was to be there, bad teeth and all, to shock her as she got off the plane. But at some point I had to go to the bathroom, and I went alone, still wearing the teeth. As I came out of the stall after doing my business, a well-dressed lady washing her hands at the sink glanced at me in the mirror, then quickly averted her eyes, appearing to be deeply invested in soaping her hands up just so. I washed my hands in the sink next to hers, then popped my teeth out to give them a little rinse under the water. She began to shriek with laughter, and told me that she had been thinking, "Oh, that poor girl--she'd be so pretty if she got her teeth fixed." She then dragged me by the hand to where her family was waiting for her so that they could all get a good laugh at my unfortunate grill. Yes, they all stood there, callously laughing at my physical flaw. Mocking me, making light of my embarrassing disfigurement. People can be so cruel.

Sadly, now, it appears my son will carry on this cursed trait. Two of his teeth came in, and we were so excited at first...til it became apparent that they weren't pretty like we had hoped. But let me make it clear that we love this child, no matter what he looks like. Perhaps when the world sees him, they see a hideous freak, but he is beautiful to us. We can only hope that people will love him for his inner beauty, rather than mocking him for his outer flaws.

Labels: The Karlababble Household