Tuesday, October 11, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 2)

In case you missed Part 1 of this series, a short recap:

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. Here's #11-20.

Part 2 (11 through 20)

11. I'm obsessive about my weight. I weigh myself every day, and if I go one pound over what I was yesterday, I adjust my food and/or workout to get rid of that pound. This is very shallow, empty-headed behavior.

12. I am intolerant of music I don't like. I like a lot of different things, from Rob Zombie or The Chemical Brothers to Billy Joel or Eric Clapton--but the list of music I don't like is far, far greater--and I simply can't tolerate the stuff I don't like. I moan and whine like I'm being forced to watch execution videos. I really have no room to talk, either, because I listen to Gwar, which not one other living person seems to like except me.

13. I refuse to mingle with household garbage in any way. That's the sole reason I got married. The deal at our house is I do all the inside cleaning and Brian does the outside stuff (lawn, mostly) and takes out the trash. Once in a while, he takes out the trash and forgets to put a new trash bag in the can, and then he leaves for work. I will actually leave trash sitting on the floor next to the can all day rather than just putting a new bag in there myself--that's "boy work." When he gets home from work, there's a tidy little pile of refuse waiting for him.

14. I often speak before I think, which can lead to embarrassing exchanges that haunt me for years. Fortunately for me, I speak at a very fast pace, so my only hope when I've said something so retarded that chills run down my spine the moment the words leave my lips is that maybe, just maybe, they didn't catch it or are unsure they heard it right. They probably spend the next hour or so running it over in their minds asking themselves, "Did she say what I think she said? No, it's not possible. No intelligent person would say anything so stupid." Little do they know.

15. I have no ambition or competitive spirit whatsoever. If I'm playing a game with someone, I don't really care if I win, and I've never been one of those people who really sets career goals for myself. I don't know if I could handle success, but I've totally mastered mediocrity.

16. I have a major fear of my house burning down. We have a fireplace that I basically won't let my husband make use of. My big fear is of the house burning down and taking all my photos with it. The lengths I've gone to to avoid this are comical--I have scanned each and every photo we own--literally thousands--and saved them to CD, making two copies. One copy stays at the house, just so I have the digital images to screw around with, and one copy goes into a fireproof safe at my father-in-law's office. All my negatives are in that safe, too. Then of course, there's my secondary fear: That someone will break into my father-in-law's office and steal the safe. The sad part about this is that if you could take a look at these photos I cherish so dearly, you'd just see a lot of drunk people with retarded looks on their faces, and you'd wonder what I'm getting so sentimental about.

17. I sleep with a big brown teddy bear. Yes, like a three-year-old might. His name is Roe.

18. I change my clothes in the car a lot. Usually while driving, but more often at stop lights. I can't stand to be too hot or too cold, so I usually have a change of clothes and shoes with me, and I change in the car rather than hauling everything into a bathroom to do it properly. I'm like Superman, only without the phone booth. And without all that do-gooder baggage.

19. I love leaving drawers and cabinet drawers open. This is not to say that I am too lazy to shut them, but that I love leaving them open. It just seems sensible to me--if I'm going to need another bowl later today, why not just leave the cabinet open so it'll be easier to get to? And no, I wouldn't want the cabinet doors removed instead, because then things would look cluttered, and I like things to look neat; hence the beauty of closing the cabinets on those stacks of dishes when company comes over. But when it's just us at home, why not leave them open? Well, according to Brian, it's because he keeps whacking his fragile skull on the open cabinet doors. I never do this myself because I expect them to be open. He expects them to be closed, so he continually slices his head open on the doors, then gripes and pleads for me to close them from now on. I nod solemnly and tell him I'm sorry. Then I continue to leave them open.

20. I had my husband's wedding band inscribed with this heartfelt phrase: "Put it back on." I proudly gave it to him and expected a big laugh when he read it. Instead, he was visibly disappointed with the lack of romance. I had to keep saying, "But isn't it funny? Come on, that's funny!" He didn't think a wedding band was the right place to crack a joke.

But come on, it's funny, right?

44 comments:

Chosen said...

Seems funny to me. You could have done worse with some syrupy gobbledigook that would make you cringe every time you thought about it.

Miladysa said...

ROFLMAO!! You are UNIQUE!

Yoda said...

Karla, that's the best laugh I've had in a while! If I ever get married again, I'm going to use that.

Hilariously funny.

~Kurt

chesneygirl said...

YES! It is funny! And I wish I would've thought of it for my husband! I LOVE IT!! :)

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Oh HELL YES it's funny!

I do the same thing with the trash! I started after this: http://www.thescanlons.net/weblog/index.php/weblog/letter_to_my_husband/

ianmack said...

the wedding band is the BEST place to crack a joke.

FTS said...

You must pack a suitcase every time you get in the car to change so much.

Do they even have phone booths any more?

HW said...

That's totally hysterical. I love it.

psquared said...

I love Gwar less for their music and more for the pageantry.

Yes. That may be the best and funniest thing to ever write in a wedding band I have ever heard. Husband needs to improve humor. It’s not like you wrote “one ring to control all others” from Lord of the Rings.

I look forward to the next 80 things you will admit to the general public.

Best -

p2

H0kie Erin said...

I wanted to put that on my hubby's wedding band, too! Unfortunately, he didn't see the humor either and nixed it before I could get it done. Drat! Must be a male lack of sense of humor thing. Spoilsports.

miss kendra said...

i think it's hilarious. AND i like the LOTR idea.

because i'm evil! eeeeeevil!

mwa ha ha ha!!!!!

Pirate said...

I agree it funny. In fact its down right crap your pants funny. I think you must have taught my oldest son how to graze in the kitchen. He wouldn't close a drawer or cabinet he opened if I held a gun to his head (that's because he knows I wonm't shoot him). As for music, what don't you like? Don't tell me country rock. Yanni I could agree with but not country rock.

Stacie said...

OMG! that is hilarious! Stacie

Crazy MomCat said...

HIL-arious! And I like this take better than your standard, run-of-the-mill 100 things about me.

Your husband may not have found the humor in the ring engraving, but I bet he doesn't take his ring off either. So, that idea was funny AND functional. HAHAHA!

bihari said...

Yes! It's funny!

Your list is unnerving though. I think we might be the same person. Or at least, we have the same flaws.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, No. 20 is the epitome of something or other: You think everything should be funny.

(Come to think of it, though, that's the only thing on the list that is GOOD about you. Heh.)

cinefille said...

A wedding band is the most appropiate place to craxk a joke. That is ingenious.

And I'm the same way with music. If I don't like it, I can't stand it.

RainStorm1212 said...

You are something else!! I must say, your blog is the best I've read so far. You now have a loyal reader. ;-)

Aitch said...

DAMN SKIPPY IT'S FUNNY!!

Oh man you slay me and I love you reasoning with the cabinets.

jane said...

Oh yeah, it's freaking hilarious!

Jessica said...

Yes...it is funny. In fact, mind if I borrow that?

Neptunebaby said...

Very funny, indeed. I chuckled while reading the entire entry to be honest with you.

Brandy C. said...

Karla- You and I are more alike then I knew. And yes that is damn funny!

leesepea said...

I don't know if I could handle success, but I've totally mastered mediocrity.

Right up till then, I'd have sworn we were twins separated at birth.

Because I am the exact opposite.

I won't even accept mediocrity from my students.

It's a wonder they don't all hate me.

Christi said...

Makes me wish I'd put that on my hubby's ring. He would have loved it, I think...

Yeah, I was thinking we were soul sisters for a while there. Aside from the weight thing, where you care too much, and I don't care enough, I had little hints of similarities to you. I thought, "Hmmm, we could be really good friends." Then, number 19 came along...Yep, I couldn't even hang out with you on a regular basis. I would go INSANE if you left cabinets and drawers open around me. Along with the whole trash issue and him not taking it out, the biggest problem in my marriage, which has led me to contemplate divorce quite often, is that my husband leaves drawers open. I spend entire days being mad b/c he leaves his underwear drawer open! I could foresee me hating you after a week!

Of course, other than that, you seem lovely, and I would more than love to hang out with you in a controlled space where nothing could be left open!

Carbon said...

One reason he must of fell in love with you was for your humor so he shoulda expected that no??? Thus, he can't be mad about it. ha ha ha.

Brian said...

Wow, I almost forgot about the message on the inside of my wedding band. It was definitely a surprise, but I was laughing about it within a few hours.

The original ring was a little loose, so we took it back to get sized. They said that it couldn't be re-sized because of the Millgrain pattern, but they would engrave the new ring for us. The poor jewelry store clerk asked for me to write down exactly what was inscribed on the original ring. I'll never forget the look on her face as she read what I had written.

Brian said...

Karla still likes to punish me when I take the ring off. She likes to play "hide the ring" when I leave it on the ring holder in our bathroom. She'll usually put it on the end of the towel rack, under the hairspray cap or in the can of cotton swabs.

Curator said...

"I have no ambition or competitive spirit whatsoever."

I'm very surprised by this 1ne given your capabilities. I would have pegged you otherwise.

Cheers.

DeeJay said...

The wedding ring entry is to die for. I love it!!

Ellen said...

You like GWAR?! Oh honey.

Rude Cactus said...

"Put it back on" - that's classic.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Well, I would think that inscription was funny . . . especially since it's on someone else's ring.

Carolyn said...

I think the wedding band is hilarious. Don't let him make you second-guess it.

But I have to say that I'm with your husband on the closed cabinets/drawers thing. My husband leaves drawers open all the time. I can't stand it. I'm glad my daughter is as anal as me. She can't even stand it if the cabinet door is even slightly opened.

Leesa said...

Another great list:) I have a fear of fire too, I always triple check that I blew out candles, etc.
I think the ring thing was hilarious!

TL said...

My friend had her husband's band inscribe with "if your reading this your not wearing it." Yes it is VERY FUNNY.

Hope said...

The wedding ring inscription is awesome. My friend's husband searched far and wide to find someone who would engrave the green lantern symbol on his ring.

Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I still sleep with a baby blanket.

RitMeyer said...

I put from your first wife on my husband's. What, is that wrong? I'm with you, funny lasts longer than romance anyway.

gina said...

wish i would have thought of a funny wedding ring engravement!! ROFLMAO!!!
i am thoroughly enjoying lurking over here at your blog. keep on sister.

Zen said...

It's officially funny. Could've been worse, could have said "Put Gwar Back On." :)

babyjewels said...

Love the wedding band inscription. Anytime is a good time to crack a joke.

Karla said...

Thats really funny.

a fish on a bycicle said...

20!!

It IS romantic, because it's funny

Anonymous said...

You sound very neurotic. Chill out.