In case you missed Parts 1 and 2 of this series, a short recap:
Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "My favorite color is blue," and "I'm half Irish, half Dutch." I thought about doing this, but the boring details of my psyche began to put even me to sleep. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. I've chopped it up into nice, bite-size pieces, lest I lose your attention somewhere around #54. Here's #21-30.
21. I am the absolute worst at sports; just completely inept. In grade school and junior high, it seemed imperative to the other kids that they end up on the team I was not on, or else the world might end. There was much groaning and snivelling amongst the members of the team that got stuck with me. Snot-nose little bastards.
22. I take issue with women who think men should put the seat down after using the toilet. Why not the other way around--why shouldn't women put the seat back up after using it? I think any woman who just goes racing into the bathroom heedlessly, yanking her pants down in mid-run and flinging herself on the seat without looking at it first deserves to get a wet butt.
23. I leave the refrigerator door open the entire time I'm in the kitchen. I am tempted to rationalize it by saying that I might need something else out of it before I leave the kitchen, but that's only sometimes true. The real truth is, there are plenty of times when I take something out of the fridge knowing that I won't need anything else out of there, and I still don't close the door. I can't explain to you why I like having the door open. What I do know is that it makes my husband want to wring my neck. He'll close the refrigerator door behind me, and I'll turn around and open it again, just to be evil.
24. I'm genuinely stupid when it comes to math. I actually use my fingers to add. I don't even try to hide it, which means that not only am I a big dummy, but I'm not even smart enough to be ashamed of it.
25. When Brian and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary, I thought it was our first. Brian was shocked and appalled that I seemed to have no idea how long we'd been married, and my attempt to play it off with "Time flies when you're having fun!" didn't fool him. Now, in my day-planner it doesn't just say "anniversary" on October 5th, but it also tells how many. This year it said "3rd anniversary." I've also been known to get my son's birthday wrong when asked, and the kid is not even a year old yet. I don't think.
26. I'm a picky eater. I pick up each piece of chicken with my fork and inspect it closely on all sides, looking for anything suspicious that I might need to saw off. I look like a forensic scientist inspecting for clues. Except that I eat what I inspect after I'm done inspecting it.
27. I rarely cook. My mom owned a restaurant when I was growing up, and because she worked all the time, there were no at-home meals. When I was hungry, I walked to the restaurant and ordered off the menu. Nowadays you'll find me sitting at my big, empty dining room table, waiting sadly for someone to come along and serve me.
28. I regularly utter the phrase, "I hate people."
29. I have no hobbies. It seems like there have been ten billion occasions in my life when I've had to fill out a form that included the question "What are your hobbies," or someone in conversation asked me what my hobbies were. I always feel like a soulless mannequin when I am forced to admit I have none. The whole goddamn world is out there skiing, rock climbing, whittling, playing tennis, knitting, cooking, bear hunting, or making homemade tampons out of masking tape and dental floss, while I fritter my life away cracking jokes and reading Fark.com. All I can come up with is that I like to read, write and watch movies, which is really the same as saying, "You would swiftly die of boredom if you had to hang out with me for even one day."
30. When The Sopranos current season is airing, I spend the entire season doing something that must be really irritating. You know how the theme song says, "Woke up this morning, got myself a gun?" I continually try to find ways to bait Brian into letting me tell him that I woke up this morning and got myself a gun.
A sample exchange:
Me: You won't believe what happened this morning.
Me: I got myself a gun. (Then I cackle with laughter as he rolls his eyes.)
Then, half an hour later:
Me: Oh crap. I just realized I have to get up early tomorrow.
Me: To get myself a gun. (More psychotic cackling.)
Mind you, I don't even necessarily do this while we're watching The Sopranos (although I consider that a bigger score if he falls for it during an episode of the show), but randomly throughout the season. It gets harder and harder to trick him as time goes by, of course, and I have to get more creative as he gets more suspicious. Eventually, every time I open my mouth, he probably thinks I'm going to pull the Sopranos trick on him. One day I'm probably going to be having a heart attack or stroke, and he's going to think I'm about to pull the "got myself a gun" gag on him, and he'll simply ignore me.